by Lea Coll
“Are your parents proud of him?”
Her nose wrinkled. “Honestly, I don’t think they’re proud of either of us. It’s hard to tell. They never said good job, or we’re proud of you. They made it known when they disapproved of whatever I was doing.”
“We were lucky. We had both parents, a roof over our head.”
I didn’t point out that her brother was sent away. She told the story of her brother and parents with cold indifference as if it happened to someone else, but it happened to her. She was the victim in her own story and had no idea.
My heart ached for the child she was, how she doubted herself.
The song ended, I led her from the dance floor, grabbing two more champagne glasses from a server’s tray before finding a vacant table in the corner. I didn’t want any interruptions for this conversation.
We settled into adjacent seats. I scooted my chair so I was facing her, my legs bracketing hers. “You know about my last relationship, what about yours?”
Her shoulders lowered. “I dated a guy in law school, but it didn’t work out.”
“How long did you date?”
“One year.”
“You dated for a year and it wasn’t serious? Why did you break up?” I leaned closer.
She took a sip of her wine, licking her lips. “It’s embarrassing, a cliché really. I dated my professor.”
That surprised me. Avery didn’t strike me as someone who’d date her professor. She seemed like a rule follower.
“Someone reported our relationship. When that happened, he denied the relationship, said I’d come onto him numerous times and he’d rejected my advances. It was humiliating.”
I covered her hand with mine wanting to comfort her while at the same time my muscles taut with fury over what her ex had done. “I’m sorry that happened to you. Did you confront him?”
“I did. He had to protect himself. I understood that, but he didn’t have to throw me under the bus, ruin my reputation with the other professors and students. It got heated. He said he wouldn’t want a relationship with me. I was cold and worse.” Her eyes were flat, her shoulders lowered as if it wasn’t the first time she’d heard that.
I’d only known her for a short while, but I couldn’t imagine anyone calling her cold. She protected herself, but that was understandable given her background.
“Did you love him?” I kept my voice neutral. I didn’t want her to think I was judging her. I suspected she’d had enough of that over the years.
“I thought I did at the time, but I was wrong. Were you in love with Lorelai?”
I thought so, but I was wrong or she wasn’t the person I thought she was. It was a complicated question with no easy answer. “We started off dating in college, it fell into an easy pattern, studying in our dorm rooms, parties on the weekends, walking to and from class together. She quickly became the first and last person I thought of when I woke and when I went to sleep. Our last year of college, we planned a future together. We were real with each other, comfortable. I loved her. I’m not sure she was the same person by the time she was sleeping with Damon.”
Her brow arched. “Do you still believe in love?”
“Yes. I do. I think we met young and we changed into different people. I just wish she’d told me that before she did what she did. Do you?”
“I believe in being happy and content with myself. If a guy comes along, then great, but I haven’t met anyone like that. Someone worth putting myself out there for.”
Her words sent a sharp stabbing pain through my heart. She didn’t know what love was because she’d never felt it from her parents or brother. The one time she opened herself up to someone, he hurt her. She’d encased her heart with barriers so that no one could penetrate. She didn’t let anyone in. “You’re content being by yourself.”
“I’ve never been obsessed with anyone. I would think that’s what love is, like you said, wanting to be with them all the time. Forgoing your passions for someone else’s.”
“Not exactly.” She’d simplified it and forgotten the most important part. “When you’re in love, you’ll want to do things to make the other person happy, but your partner will want to keep what makes you happy too. You blend your lives together. It takes effort and commitment. It doesn’t always work out.” It wasn’t always passionate, rip your clothes off sex, other times it was a comfortable intimacy, something I missed.
“I hope it works out for you. You seem like a nice guy who’s had some shitty things happen to him lately.”
Her words were nice, yet distancing at the same time. She was a master of turning things back on me, making me forget what I wanted to know. “Have you ever given anyone a chance?”
“I just told you I dated someone for a year. You know how that turned out. How is that not a chance?” Her voice was brittle as if that experience had hardened her.
“You might have been with him physically, but were you present mentally and emotionally?”
“I’d like to think I was.” She looked away as if she was unable to meet my eyes, telling me I was close to the truth.
I gentled my voice wanting to reach her, wanting her to let me in, hoping I wasn’t making a mistake suggesting she’d closed herself off to the possibility of love, closeness. “I think you don’t know how to do that. Your parents were cold, you said you spent your childhood alone. Maybe you don’t know how to let someone in. You expect to be kept at a distance, so that’s what you do with other people.”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew I should have kept it to myself. It might have been the truth, and I tried to soften it, but I should have waited, taken my time to break through her barriers.
She leaned back, her eyes shuttered.
Avery
His words cut through me, slicing through my carefully woven armor. How did this man I barely knew think he knew anything about me? I stood, smoothing the skirt of my dress. “I better go see if Hadley needs me.”
He stood, grabbing my hand. “I’m sorry. I was out of line.”
He was, but it didn’t matter. I stood tall, tugging my hand from his. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”
The familiar cold wrapped around my heart, encasing it, protecting it. No one would be able to cut me down or lessen my place in the world. Never again.
I walked several steps away before he touched my back, stopping me in my tracks. “Don’t run away. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You didn’t.” My words were carefully measured, controlled.
“I think I did and I’m sorry about that. Will you forgive me? Will you give me another chance?”
I turned slightly toward him. “You’re forgiven. We’re good.”
He gave me a sad smile that did more to break through the ice than any of his sweet words.
“I better find Hadley.” If I gave into this attraction to Griffin, he’d demand more than my exes had. He wants all of me, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my love. I wasn’t capable of that.
I found Hadley and Dylan by the silent auction items, gathering the bids, compiling the data, noting the winners.
“Are you ready to make the announcement?” Dylan asked Hadley.
“I am.”
“Sorry I wasn’t around more to help.” If I’d been more focused on the auction, I wouldn’t have been alone with Griffin. He wouldn’t have said those words that rung clear in my head, like a church bell on a cold crisp day.
“You looked like you were having a deep conversation with Griffin. We didn’t want to interrupt. Plus, we can handle tallying some numbers. No big deal,” Dylan said.
I wanted to argue. I wanted to say we weren’t having a meaningful discussion but I didn’t want to call more attention to whatever was going on between us. When had I ever been at a party, able to block out everything around me? Griffin broke through my anxiety, making me focus on him, and nothing else.
My reaction to him confused me which meant it was a bad idea to spend time
with him. My eyes caught his across the room as he stood next to Cade. His eyes were shrewd, knowing. He knew I was retreating.
“Let’s do this.”
We walked to the podium together. Our plan was to stand together, Hadley giving a speech, thanking everyone for coming, updating them on her progress in Annapolis, then announcing the winners. As I stood next to Dylan, it was apparent that we’d had a great turnout. I recognized a few members of the press that had shown up to events for Morrison Rebuilds. There were even some school board members and the state superintendent.
It was encouraging. I was proud to stand next to these women working toward this goal of getting this program into every school. For once in my life, I was doing something that wasn’t solely for myself.
My eyes snagged Griffin’s knowing ones. He thought he’d figured me out, but he had no idea. I never doubted my capacity to love. I was afraid—afraid my feelings wouldn’t be returned, that I’d be alone in a relationship. I’d rather be on my own than living with someone but in an empty relationship. That’s how I felt living with my parents.
That was something he couldn’t understand. He had a loving family, he took care of his nephew. He’d had love before he lost it. What was the point of searching for something you’d never experienced, you’d never have?
When he ducked out of the fundraiser early, I told myself it was for the best. He had a nephew to care for and I had my firm and Kids Speak. He’d broken through my defenses, made me feel things I’d kept tapped down for years, but I wouldn’t let him in. I’d been burned too many times.
Chapter Seven
Griffin
I’d had to leave the fundraiser early because Declan had gotten scared at Ian’s house, and wanted to come home. I’d texted my apologies to Avery because she was at the podium with Hadley and Dylan. It wasn’t how I wanted the night to end. I wanted to talk to her again.
Last night was enlightening. I’d made progress with Avery then taken ten steps back. She was a hard one to get to know, resisting me at every turn. It made me want to break through her barriers even more.
Every step with her would require strategic planning like playing a chess game. Each move, countermove carefully considered before engaging. I hope I wouldn’t regret my decision to play.
I flipped the pancakes on the griddle, my back to Declan who spun on the barstool, the base creaking with each turn. “You’re going to break that chair.”
“I’m not.”
“You are.” I took the first stack of pancakes, placing them on the island between us.
Declan immediately piled some on his plate, pouring syrup over them. He took a big bite. “These are so good. Thank you, Uncle Griff.”
He was the only one who called me by a nickname. I secretly loved it. It was something we shared. “I’m glad you like them.”
I could provide a home, food, and an education for him, but I wasn’t sure if I could provide much more. I loved him. He was my nephew, but shouldn’t he have more? A mother, grandparents, extended family? Here, it was just me. Even though he was in a similar situation with Julian, it was different because he was his father.
“What do you have on tap for today?” I asked him.
“Video games?” His voice was hopeful.
“After your chores are done. Fold and put away your clothes and clean your room.”
“Fine.” He stuffed more pancakes into his mouth.
He was adjusting okay. He had moments where he was sad and I knew he was thinking about his father. He never asked about his mother. I wasn’t sure what Julian told him, but her absence probably told him everything he needed to know.
I never thought I’d be content with a leisurely Sunday, no plans other than feeding and entertaining an eight-year-old, but I was.
“We could go to the park.” It would get him away from the TV for a while. It was one of the things I’d changed my stance on since becoming a father figure. I was no longer the cool uncle who came over to play video games. Instead, I worried about things like how much screen time was too much.
“We could play soccer or throw a ball around, ride bikes?” Declan grinned widely.
“That sounds good. Let’s ride bikes.” Declan had one when I moved in, but I’d had to purchase one. We’d ridden quite a few times since.
“Eat. Do your chores, then we can go.”
He nodded with a mouthful of pancakes.
I wondered what Avery was up to. What things did she fill her solitary time with? Did she get up early and work out or stay in bed reading? Or was she drinking coffee, thinking about last night?
Lorelai was always on the go, shopping or brunch with girlfriends, exercise classes, art gallery openings. There was always something to do. Declan made me realize I liked quiet, slow mornings and physical outdoor activities.
Had anything I said to Avery penetrated? For a moment, I wondered if I’d scared her off for good. I had to push her out of her comfort zone, or she’d never give me a chance. I had to be different than those other guys. I had to be honest and real with her.
Like I’d told Cade last night, anything worth doing, took work. Getting to know the real Avery was worth whatever it took. I didn’t delude myself into thinking I’d be successful, but I’d sure enjoy trying because something about her called to me. Whether it was that moment in her conference room when she selflessly offered to help me after I’d been an ass to her or our second meeting when she described her family, her childhood, I wanted to show her things could be different even when I was stuck in a holding pattern.
I had this home with Declan, enough money in the bank to never work again, but I was lost as to what I should be doing.
Declan finished eating, heading up to his room to do his chores. I cleaned the counters, the griddle, and went upstairs to pull on workout shorts and a T-shirt. I looked forward to spending time with Declan, being someone he could count on. It was nothing I’d ever expected, yet I liked it. I loved him. Things were good and thinking of last night they could be even better.
I wanted to be the one who brought happiness to Avery’s life, to erase whatever brought her pain in the past, giving her hope for her future, whether it was with me or someone else.
I loaded the bikes onto the bike rack on the back of my SUV. In California, I wore suits, worked all day and night. Here, we planned activities outside as much as possible—biking, fishing, and swimming. We tried new things every week.
Declan came running out of the house, he’d grown out his short dark hair so that it hung over his eyes. Wearing his hair like this reminded me of Julian as a kid.
“You ready? Chores done?”
“Yes.”
I wanted to get on the road before it got too hot, so I didn’t check on his progress. I’d do that later before I allowed him to play video games.
“Where are we going?” Declan asked, sliding into the passenger seat.
“I thought we’d park along the Baltimore Annapolis rail trail and take it down to Annapolis, get some lunch.”
“Okay.”
Thankfully Declan was an active kid. I could help with schoolwork and teach him to code, it was the other stuff I was worried about. Was he struggling with the death of his father? Did he want to know where his mother was? I figured I’d take it one day at a time, handle any questions with his counselor as they were raised.
“How are things at school?” I looked at him in the rearview mirror.
“Fine.”
“You like it?”
“I like seeing my friends.”
When I asked him questions, he usually didn’t say much. Stories from his day usually popped up later when he was more talkative. I wanted to ask how he was holding up, but I didn’t. If it was too much he’d tell me, right? The counselor at school would mention if he was struggling, his grades falling. I made a mental note to contact the school counselor to check in.
We parked in a lot used for the trail, only a couple of miles from Annapolis. I unhook
ed the bikes, we strapped on our helmets, biking toward Annapolis.
We stopped after a mile to drink some water. I felt invigorated being outside doing something physical. Declan seemed to be holding up fine, he had a boundless amount of energy.
“I like doing stuff like this with you.”
I enjoyed spending quality time with him too. I worried that eventually the memories of his father would be replaced. “Yeah?”
“Dad didn’t go bike riding.” His tone was wistful.
I didn’t want to compete with his dad. I wanted to create new experiences and memories. “He was probably busy with work and school. I’m not working right now, so I have plenty of time to spend with you.”
His forehead wrinkled, probably considering what I’d said. “Maybe.”
“Your father loved you. He wanted the best for you.” Julian refused all of my offers to help him out financially when his ex left. I’d started a college fund for him years ago, but Julian didn’t know about it.
“It sucks.” He looked at the ground, probably to hide his tears.
I carefully schooled my features so he wouldn’t see how his display of emotion affected me. I cleared my throat, laying a hand on his shoulder. “It does. I’m sorry your father died. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but we’re in this together.”
He looked up at me, his eyes shiny with tears, his tone pleading. “You’re not going to leave me, are you?”
“Why would you think that?” Guilt swirled through me that I’d ever considered it.
“You asked if I wanted to move to Florida.”
My heart clenched at the idea he thought I’d leave him with his grandparents because I had considered that even if the idea didn’t hold any appeal now. “Remember I asked if you wanted to move to be closer to them, not to move in with them. I wanted them to be part of your life too.”
His brow furrowed. “I don’t want to leave.”
“I won’t make any decisions without discussing it with you first. It’s you and me from now on.” Telling him he was mine wasn’t part of my plan today, but it felt right to make that clear. If we moved, it would be together, and it would be because both of us wanted to.