by Lea Coll
“Come here.”
She arched a brow but moved to stand in front of me. I hooked my fingers in the belt loops at her hips and pulled her into me. “Will you stay?”
She probably thought I wanted to talk more about Erin, but I didn’t. I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to touch her, I wanted to lose myself in her.
Chapter Thirteen
Avery
“Will you stay after Declan goes to Ian’s house? Then we can talk.”
He leaned against the countertop, my hips nestled between his widespread legs, my hands rested on his chest, touching his soft shirt. His desire to keep Declan, to be a father figure to him was attractive. His physical nearness and freshly showered scent sent tingles through my body. Every inch of my skin was alive, my nerves all over the place, wanting to get closer at the same time I wanted to push him away. He held me in place with his fingers in my belt loops. I wanted to be with him, my desire for him overriding my sense of preservation.
“Okay.”
He smiled, satisfied by my answer. He leaned down, kissing my forehead. “I’ll go tell him Ian will be here any minute. Why don’t you get comfortable in the living room? Remotes are on the coffee table.”
“Okay.” I wanted to be here. I wanted to spend more time with him. I wanted him.
His head lowered, his lips met mine, soft, lingering as if he couldn’t bring himself to pull away. I wanted to push up on my tiptoes, wrap a hand around his neck, pulling him down to me, and kiss him like we’d kissed the other night. I wanted to feel his body pressed up against mine, my breasts smashed against his chest, his hands gripping my ass, squeezing, pulling me tighter to his body, but I hesitated, uncomfortable to take it further with Declan upstairs.
“There’ll be plenty of time for that later.” He winked, his fingers dropping from my hips.
My face heated as I took a step back.
“Let me get him moving.”
I nodded as he left the room, leaving me alone in the kitchen. Attraction was usually a game to me. I’d keep a guy at arm’s length, only letting it go as deep as I was willing to go. Somehow, I knew Griffin would be different. He demanded more. He wanted more. He knew me.
Standing in his arms, I’d felt more than I ever had with Wes. I’d never relished in the feel of his arms around me, his body cradling mine.
My fingers touched my still-tingling lips. Griffin was sweet with me.
Kisses on my forehead, short light kisses on my lips. If his tight grip on my hips was any indication, sex with him would be anything but sweet. The dichotomy intrigued me.
A knock sounded on the door, followed by Declan thudding down the stairs, then Griffin’s slower steps. I paused in the doorway to the living room, wanting to say goodbye to Declan, but not sure if Griffin wanted to introduce me to Ian’s parents.
Griffin held the door slightly ajar, so I couldn’t see past him, but I heard Ian and Declan laughing and talking. Griffin reminded Declan to behave and a female voice, presumably, Ian’s mother told him she’d call if there were any issues.
They talked a little longer about whether to sign the boys up for the same soccer team before saying goodbye.
When the front door closed, I moved to the couch, watching Griffin as he crossed the room, a predatory look on his face.
I should have sex with him. It would get him out of my system, regain some of the control I’d lost. Each day, I was spiraling, easing my restrictions, letting him in, bit by bit. If I took that physical step, could I keep him at a distance, steeling myself against any emotions?
He sat on the couch next to me, the cushions dipping me closer to him. “You didn’t want to say goodnight to Declan?”
“I wanted to, but he was already outside when I came into the living room. I didn’t want to interrupt since it might be a little too soon to meet Ian and his parents.”
“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know what the protocol is for things like that.” He dropped his arm over the back of the couch. It was casual, yet calculated. His gaze passed over me, assessing, heated. He leaned in, kissing me. My hand curled around his neck, tangling in his hair. He didn’t touch me, other than with his lips. He kept it light where I would have taken it deeper.
Then he pulled away, grabbing a remote. “You want to watch a movie?”
I raised a brow, but he’d already turned his attention to the TV. Now that we were alone, I’d expected him to continue what we’d started in the kitchen, kissing me, then maybe I’d straddle his lap before moving to his bedroom.
I was generally good at predicting a man’s mood, his desires, but Griffin confused me. We were alone. Declan couldn’t interrupt us. Did he want to take things further?
Griffin shifted toward me to make a comment about the comedy playing, but I didn’t register his words, just that he’d moved closer, not returning to his original position. His arm dropped lower, my shoulder tucked under his arm, his warmth surrounding me. When he spoke to me every few minutes, he lowered his head, his words coasting over the shell of my ear.
“Don’t you think?”
I caught the tail end of his sentence, only registering that his voice was low and deep.
“I’m sorry?” I felt lightheaded and shaky. How could he watch TV when I was so distracted by his nearness?
“I asked if you thought this show was funny. It doesn’t seem like you’re into it.”
I glanced at the TV. It was an older comedy, one I’d enjoyed in the past. “No. This is good.”
How could he act like nothing was happening between us? Like watching a movie together was normal and comfortable?
When he shifted on the couch, his thigh touched mine. I wanted to reach out and touch his leg, to feel the muscles, the warmth of his skin. I wanted to drag my nails up his thighs until he turned away from the show, kissing me senseless before pushing me back on the couch.
“You seem bored.”
“I’m not.” Definitely not. Every inch of my body was hyper-aware of him, his body, his voice, his breath. There was nothing he did I didn’t notice with every one of my senses.
“Tired?”
“I don’t think I’m in the mood for TV.”
He flipped off the TV, the room darker than before. “What do you want to do then?”
I raised my eyes to his. “I thought after that invitation in the kitchen you wanted more.”
His gaze hadn’t heated like I expected it to. Instead, he assessed me like he was trying to figure me out. “You want to fuck?”
I flinched, trying to recover quickly. I wanted him. “Yeah, sure.”
He was quiet for a second before saying flatly, “You’re not ready.”
Irritation prickled my neck. “What do you mean I’m not ready?”
He was quiet for a few seconds, the silence making me nervous. Did he not want me?
“I think I misread the situation.” Hadn’t he pulled me between his legs in the kitchen, promising we could do more kissing later? Had I come on too strong? I stood, looking around for my purse.
“You don’t have to go.” His voice seemed like it was coming from far away through a tunnel.
“No. I should. It’s late.” My words were sharp.
His hand wrapped around my wrist, sending my heart rate into overdrive. “Don’t go. It’s not that I don’t want you.”
“Then what is it?” I couldn’t look at him while he gave me an excuse.
“Sit.” He lightly tugged on my wrist until my shaky legs collapsed on the couch.
“Look at me.” His tone was pleading.
I kept my eyes trained on the coffee table. “Please.”
I slowly moved from his gaze from the coffee table to his face but I couldn’t quite meet his eyes. Instead, I focused on his lips moving.
“I do want you, but not like this.” His soft pink lips, the day-old scruff I wanted to run the palm of my hand across.
I blinked, trying to clear my head. “Not like what?”
“Like you’re check
ing off a to-do list.” His tone was irritated, cold, his fingers ticking off the words. “Dinner. Check. Sex. Check.”
“It’s not like that.” My voice was defeated, my shoulders slumped. It was exactly like that.
“Then what’s it like?”
“You seemed into it in the kitchen.” My face burned hotter than before. I sounded like a disappointed teenage boy, desperate for sex.
“I want you.” His hand pressed against my chest, over my rapidly beating heart.
The warmth seeped through my shirt. I wanted to cover his hand with mine, hold it there, until the warmth seeped into my heart.
He pushed his hand against my chest lightly emphasizing his words. “I want you, what’s inside. Not this persona you put on to get closer at the same time you’re pushing me away.”
“I’m not made for that.” I shook my head. I couldn’t even say the words. Intimacy. Closeness. Love.
“You may never have allowed yourself to go there with anyone. When you do, I hope that person is me. I want us to take the next step because you want to be with me, you want to take things deeper, not because it’s a move in a game you play to keep people at a distance.”
“So what now?” I kept my tone light, uncaring. I wouldn’t let this man hurt me, reject me. I never allowed that.
He sighed, removing his hand from my chest. “I wish you’d let me in.”
I almost said I was here. I stayed after you said no, but I didn’t. I was in unchartered territory. I didn’t know how to settle into his arms, resting my head on his chest, soaking up his warmth. Not when he’d said no. I was the problem. It was always me.
“Come here.”
I closed my eyes against the warmth of his voice, his pleading tone. With each soft touch and word, I was softening, wanting more than my solitary existence.
“Please, Avery.”
My gaze settled on his eyes, judging his sincerity. His arms were wide open, inviting me, his eyes filled with care. The pull to move toward him overcame any doubts or insecurities. I wanted his arms around me. As soon as I settled my head on his chest, his body relaxed as first one arm then a second wrapped around me. I closed my eyes, breathing in his scent, listening to the thud of his heart against my ear.
He kissed the top of my head.
Tears formed behind my lids. His words echoed in my head. I want you. What’s inside.
Would he want me when he found out what was inside? A heart incapable of love, affection, or care. I’d been described as cold and indifferent for a reason. That’s who I was. I couldn’t forget that even when the warmth of his body heated my soul.
He shifted, lifting me easily into his lap.
I was cradled in his arms like a child, my head tucked into his neck. The position took my breath away as if I’d been punched in the gut. I struggled to catch my breath. I watched his steady pulse in his neck as I tried to calm mine, knowing I’d never be able to push him away. He had a hold of me. When I pushed, he caught me.
“I do want you.” His voice was so low I almost didn’t hear him. “More than anyone I’ve ever met. You’re important. You’re special. I don’t want to screw this up.”
He had it all wrong. “I’m the one who’s going to screw this up. I don’t deserve you.”
He moved his arm so it was no longer around my back, his hand cupped my cheek as he pulled away to see my face. “You aren’t going to screw this up because you’re going to be real and honest with me.”
I swallowed, his confidence shaking me to my core. What if I screwed up the best thing I’d ever had? “I’ll try.”
He kissed me then, seemingly accepting my response. I quickly gave in to the sensation of his fingers in my hair, his hand gripping my hip, his lips on mine. I wanted more. I wanted to shift on his lap to straddle him, but I let him take the lead.
Griffin pulled away slightly, a hand in my hair. “I don’t want easy. I want you. I want to work for your affection, your love, your trust. Can you wait?”
.
Chapter Fourteen
Avery
When I left Griffin’s house Saturday night, I felt raw, but at the same time, there was this glow left over from the sensation of his arms around me. I craved more. I spent Sunday trying to regroup, going about my regular routine of coffee on the balcony, a walk around town, and reading, trying to push back all of the emotions that Griffin raised to the surface the night before.
Nothing worked. I still felt unsettled, uncertain, yet strangely hopeful. I didn’t allow anyone to take up space inside my head, except Griffin. He was different.
He’d seen right through me last night. I should have been running as fast as I could away from him, but I wasn’t.
When I finally went to bed, I propped myself up, scrolling mindlessly through my phone for a distraction from the running trail of thoughts that had been going through my head all day when a text came through.
Griffin: Are you still up?
A smile tugged at my lips. Yes.
The video call rang a second later. I scanned my body, smoothing my hair, sitting up straighter before I hit accept.
“Hey.” His voice rumbled through my chest, shaking things up, knocking things loose.
“Hey.” I licked my lips, wishing I had some water for my suddenly very dry throat.
“What did you do today?”
“The usual.” I didn’t want him to know how deeply his question affected me. Since Wes, I kept things with men light and easy, but things were already different with Griffin.
His lips twitched. “I don’t know what the usual is.”
And I wanted to tell him. Give him a glimpse of my life. “Well, I like to drink my morning coffee on my balcony watching people walk their dogs. I did a yoga video.”
He considered me. “Yoga. I didn’t take you for a yoga person.”
“Why is that?” I raise my brow, hoping for insight into how he viewed me.
He tapped his chin with his finger. “You seem a little—”
“Strung tight?” I kept my voice light even though I worried he thought of me this way.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
“I try to clear my mind when I do yoga, but it’s tough. I walked around town, came home, and finished my book. What did you do?” My tone was light, playful, hiding how desperately I wanted a glimpse into his day. I was inviting him in when I should have been shutting him down.
“I’d say that sounds like my life before Declan but it wasn’t the same. I never took the time to walk through town or drink my coffee without working simultaneously, either on my phone or computer.”
I could picture him like that. When we first talked on the phone about the lease, he was gruff and impatient, giving me the impression he was a busy man. I didn’t think I’d be attracted to that version of him. “Your old life doesn’t sound healthy or sustainable.”
“It wasn’t.”
We were both quiet for a few seconds, taking each other in. A sense of contentment washed over me, the feeling I sought during yoga but never attained.
“What did you and Declan do today?”
He tipped his head back as if thinking. “We visited a rescue shelter.”
“You did? I didn’t know you wanted a dog.”
“Declan does and his counselor thinks it’s a good idea. A distraction for him if you will.” His tone was cautious, as if he wasn’t sure.
“Oh. Yeah. That makes sense.” I’d always wanted a pet but whenever I’d mentioned it growing up, Mom discouraged me.
“We were just looking, doing research. If we get one, I want to make sure Declan helps out. I mentioned to him he’d have to help feed the dog, walk it, make sure it goes outside periodically.”
“That’s a good idea.” I was impressed he was willing to take on the added responsibility of a dog.
He chuckled. “It only took a few months, but I already feel like a dad.” The pleasure on his face turned to wistfulness. “Even though he’s not mine
.”
The longing on his face dislodged something else in my chest. “He is yours. Julian entrusted him with you. You’re looking out for him, making decisions that affect him, working with his counselor. You’re a great dad.”
“It’s funny because I never wanted to have children or at least I never thought about it.”
“Lorelai didn’t want kids?”
“It wasn’t something we discussed.”
“I’m not an expert on relationships but I would think you’d discuss kids before you got married.”
“I know. It was stupid. Everything was so easy with her, then she cheated on me, Julian died. I realized how short life is. We don’t have forever.”
Talking about whether he wanted children seemed too personal, more serious than I was prepared for. “So, have you decided what you want? Are you planning on working, starting a new business?”
His expression was pinched. “I used Declan as a crutch in that regard. I’m so focused on him, I haven’t given my future much thought. I don’t know what I want to do. I’m not used to being idle but it’s been a nice change.”
“I bet. I can’t imagine what it’s like not to have a goal in mind.” I’d always been so focused on school then my career. I wanted to be comfortable. I wanted the security that came with providing for myself, but what else did I want for my life?
“It’s freeing. I can invest in a company if I want. I can start a new company, come up with another antivirus software that’s even better. I have time to figure things out. My parents are coming up for the guardianship hearing, but I’d like to visit them before school starts.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Once he’s in school, we won’t be able to travel down there.”
“Right. That makes sense.”
“I want to see you again.”