by Molly Green
She described how happy she was to know he was safe, and that she’d come and see him as soon as the CO could let her off. She deliberately didn’t mention anything about his changed feelings towards her. She needed more time to think how to answer that letter.
She received a quick note in reply saying of course he understood and to come whenever she had a chance.
That same day she’d heard from Alec. Thankful the postman had come early this morning, she was able to read it before going to the station.
Raine, my darling, my dearest,
I can’t stop thinking of you. And remembering our time in Windsor. I know it was terrible about the bombing, but nothing – not even that – could take away my joy that we were together as we were meant to be. I felt so close to you in every way and I think you felt the same.
Raine, I love you and I’m not pretending. You do believe me, don’t you, my love?
I wish I’d never asked you to play such a stupid game as it almost backfired. I just wanted to let you think we could have a nice relaxing break from this bloody awful war, and that if we were in love it would be even more magical. In my mind I thought if we played at it – pretended – we would actually feel it for real – although I always did. I just had to convince you!
We’ve been extra busy in the department but soon I should get a day or two’s leave and hope it might coincide with yours. Let me know and I’ll work things out. Where would you like to go? I don’t mind, so long as I have this gorgeous woman holding my arm and looking at me with those fascinating eyes! That’s all it takes to make me happy.
Well, darling, I have a long day ahead of me so I will close now and wait for your letter.
Sending you love,
Alec
XXX
A lump settled in the back of Raine’s throat. She swallowed hard, but it wouldn’t shift. She knew he loved her as well as she loved him, even though she still hadn’t said the three magic words she knew he wanted to hear. But now things had taken a new turn and he didn’t know it. He wouldn’t love her when he heard that Doug was back. But how could she face Alec and explain? And how could she face Doug?
She hadn’t mentioned anything about Alec in her letter to Doug. It would have been cowardly just to have written it, and she prided herself on always meeting trouble or any difficulty head on. She needed to see both of them face to face. But her insides quaked at the thought.
This was another one of those times she wished she smoked. A cigarette would have helped, been a comfort – that’s what every smoker told her anyway. If only the weather would pick up. It was almost March and the first daffodils were in bud. Soon, she hoped, they’d be making a splash of colour. She shivered. Yes, the room was cold. But that was not the reason why she suddenly wanted to crawl back into bed and pull the bedclothes over her head.
Chapter Thirty-One
‘We have a new chap joining us today,’ one of the adjutants announced in the crew room one morning. ‘He’s a Czech. Maximillian Janda – Max for short.’ He paused to take a drag of his cigarette. ‘He’s one of the RAF’s best pilots. Utterly fearless.’
Why is he here then? Raine thought.
‘Afraid he had a bit of bad luck last year,’ the adjutant continued. ‘Shot down by our own side. Bloody unfortunate. His right arm took the brunt as well as his Hurricane.’ His eyes swept the room. ‘So give him the usual welcome. Make him feel at home. Well, when I say “at home” I don’t mean that literally – it’s a bit of a trek to go.’ There was a ripple of polite laughter. ‘He’ll be one of our senior pilots and will also act as an instructor as and when.’ He looked towards the door. ‘Ah, here’s the chap himself.’
All eyes turned to the figure in the doorway. Something flickered in Raine’s mind. She’d seen him before but it took her a moment to place exactly where. Of course. He was the foreign chap who’d tried to be kind to her that time when she’d had a rotten flight, but she’d refused to let him tell her his name. She’d thought afterwards his accent might have been Polish.
And then she noticed the right sleeve of his tunic and gave a sharp intake of breath. It simply hung flat, empty. Poor bloke. His arm hadn’t just taken the brunt, it had been amputated. So how on earth …?
‘Let me introduce you to some of your fellow pilots, Max, old chap,’ the adjutant said, gesturing him to join them.
Max walked in. He stopped and hesitated. He was an attractive man, craggy-featured, with his very dark hair and brown eyes. Although he smiled politely at everyone, he wasn’t smiling with his eyes at all, though Raine was sure he was taking everything in. His glance fell on her with a look of recognition.
A few people stared at the empty sleeve, but there was a warm murmuring of approval. Doubtless he’d been tested on his ability to still be able to fly, but Raine knew nothing would be commented on in public. Audrey sent Raine a wink and held up her thumb. Raine hid a smile. She knew enough about Audrey to know that she had already set her sights on him.
Max Janda proved a popular figure around White Waltham. It was a little embarrassing for Raine at first when she remembered how she’d treated him so curtly that first time in the NAAFI, but he didn’t seem the least bit put out when Raine stopped and introduced herself, breaking the ice between them.
‘Nice to know your name, after all,’ he said, smiling. That same smile that didn’t light up his eyes the way it should.
Probably not hearing from his family at home, Raine thought. It must be terribly worrying for him. She resolved to have a proper chat with him soon.
‘Douglas White is in the visitors’ room – probably having a sneaky cigarette.’ A smiling nurse pointed along the corridor Raine had just walked along. ‘First on the right.’
‘Thank you.’
Raine’s heart hammered. She could feel it throb in her ears. She took a deep breath and knocked and opened the door.
Three men were sitting at a small table drinking tea and smoking. They turned towards the door as she entered.
‘Raine!’ Doug jerked up, then half lost his balance and clutched the edge of the table.
The man sitting next to him caught his arm. ‘Steady, mate.’ He eased Doug back into his seat.
Doug raised his eyes to her. ‘Sorry, love, I can’t move as fast as I’d like.’ He looked at the other two men. ‘This is Lorraine who I’ve told you about.’ He turned to her, laughing. ‘Probably bored the pants off them.’ He held out his hand. ‘Come and sit down, Raine, and let me introduce you to Fred Simpson and Johnny Burton. Bertie, as we call him, is from my old squadron.’
The one called Bertie got to his feet and gestured to her to take his chair. He slid an empty one over to the other side of her and sat.
‘So you’re the beautiful girl he left behind,’ Bertie said, turning his head and giving her a wink. ‘I can see why he was anxious to get back to you.’ The admiration in his eyes was plain.
This was worse than she’d feared. It seemed Doug had already told other people about their relationship – how he saw it – before she’d had a chance to speak to him.
‘Nice to meet you both,’ she said, briefly glancing at the two of them and removing her forage cap.
‘We’ll be getting along, I think,’ Simpson said, standing up. ‘Come on, Bertie, time to leave the two lovebirds alone for their romantic reunion.’
Bertie seemed reluctant to follow. His gaze fell on Raine.
‘Shame. Just as I was getting to know her.’
‘I’m sure you’ll get to know her,’ Doug cut in, grinning, ‘but not as an available woman, if I have my way.’
‘What a spoilsport,’ Bertie laughed, his eyes roving over her. ‘Well, Raine, it’s very nice to put a face to the name.’
Politely, Raine held out her hand to him, annoyed he was using her diminutive name without asking, and annoyed with Doug’s presumptuous remarks. Keeping his eyes locked with hers Bertie took it and raised it to his lips. With a wink at Doug this time he followed Simpson
out of the door and shut it with a click.
‘Don’t take any notice of him,’ Doug chuckled as he took Raine’s hand. ‘He’s a bit of a womaniser. Can’t resist a pretty girl. And I don’t blame him. Who could resist you?’ He paused. ‘What’s wrong, love? Bertie didn’t mean any harm. He’s just a charmer, that’s all.’
‘It’s not that,’ Raine said, biting her lip, ‘although to be honest, I didn’t find your friend charming at all.’
She watched Doug’s brow crease. She probably shouldn’t have said that about one of his mates.
To her relief he broke into a smile. ‘You’re probably right. He can be a bit of a devil sometimes.’ He tapped his thigh. ‘So if it’s not Bertie, what is it?’
How could she say the words that would destroy his happiness and his love for her? He was holding her hand and smiling at her.
‘This must all have been quite a shock for you to find out I’m alive and kicking.’ He glanced at his leg and chuckled. ‘Well, not exactly kicking, but you know what I mean.’ He gently pulled her round to face him.
‘Doug—’
‘I’m sorry I’m not much good at standing at the moment, but I will be. It’s all healing properly this time. I want to take you in my arms and thoroughly kiss you – the way we never have before.’
‘Doug, I—’
Clumsily, he put his arms round her and took her chin in his hand. ‘Oh, Raine, this is what I’ve been dreaming of.’
‘I don’t think this is the right place,’ Raine said, averting her face, her eyes drawn to the door. ‘Anyone could come in at any moment.’
He took the still burning cigarette from the ashtray and stubbed it out. ‘Raine, you did realise in that letter I wrote that I’m in love with you?’
She realised she was holding her breath. She looked at him. His dear face. His clear blue eyes.
‘Doug, you’ve taken me completely by surprise. I never dreamed you felt like that about me. You were always my big brother.’
‘That’s the way I thought of myself, too,’ Doug chuckled. ‘No one was more surprised than me when I realised how crazy I was about you.’
He’d lost weight and looked older, but when he laughed she could see the old Doug shining through. Her dearest friend. She swallowed hard. She’d rehearsed her words so many times for this moment but nothing felt right. It all sounded so false to her ears.
‘Dare I hope you feel the same about me?’ He squeezed her hand gently.
When she said nothing he looked at her, his expression anxious.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ Raine said truthfully.
‘I expect it’s a shock, but that’s what war does. It makes you realise what’s important and do something about it before it’s too late.’ Doug patted his dressing gown pocket. ‘Drat. That was my last cigarette. They keep count in here and you’re only allowed five a day.’ He gave her a rueful smile.
Say something, Raine. You’ve got to tell him. It isn’t fair on him … or Alec.
As though he’d read her thoughts he suddenly said, ‘By the way, Raine, I’ve been meaning to ask who this Alec is that you mentioned? You thought I was him on the phone.’
Dear God.
There was a tentative knock at the door. Desperately grateful for the interruption, Raine jumped up and opened it. A white-faced girl stumbled in, sobbing her heart out.
‘What is it?’ Raine put her arm around the shaking shoulders. ‘Come and sit down a minute – here.’ She patted her chair and frowned to Doug, nodding her head towards the door for him to leave them.
‘We need to finish this conversation, Raine,’ he said over his shoulder.
‘Yes, I know. I’ll catch up with you in a bit.’ She turned to the girl sitting beside her. ‘What’s the matter, love? Is there anything I can do?’
‘N-n-nothing.’
‘Would it help to tell me?’
The girl looked at her with tears still streaming down her cheeks. ‘I’m trying to find the chapel. I need to say a prayer for someone.’ She brushed away her tears with the back of her hand.
‘For someone you love?’ Raine said softly.
‘Yes,’ the girl whispered. ‘My boyfriend. I didn’t get here in time.’ She broke down again and held her hands to her face.
Raine’s heart turned over.
‘What is his name?’ Somehow Raine needed to know this was a real person who had lost his life and not just ‘another one’.
‘Ken.’ The girl’s voice cracked as she said his name through her trembling wet fingers.
‘And your name?’ Raine asked gently.
‘Pat,’ the girl said thickly. ‘We were to be married next month. And now he’s d-d-dead. I don’t know what I’m going to do.’ She looked at Raine for the first time. ‘You see, I’m going to have a baby.’
Raine stroked Pat’s hair. ‘I don’t know where the chapel is, love, but I’ll ask someone. Where are your parents?’
‘I haven’t told them about the baby,’ she said. ‘They’ll probably throw me out.’
‘I’m sure they won’t. They love you and they’ll be thrilled to be grandparents – once they get used to the idea.’
Pat didn’t look convinced.
‘I’m going to find out where the chapel is,’ Raine said, standing up. ‘Will you promise to stay here? I’ll be back in a jiffy.’
‘Yes, all right,’ Pat sniffed.
Raine walked swiftly back to Doug’s ward. He saw her and waved her to come over, but she shook her head and spoke to the sister.
Sister nodded. ‘Leave her to me,’ she said. ‘I’ll show her where it is and stay with her. She shot off as soon as we told her, poor girl.’
‘I’ll tell her so she knows I haven’t abandoned her,’ Raine said.
Sister opened the visitors’ room door and Pat looked up.
‘Sister is going with you to the chapel,’ Raine said. ‘I have to say goodbye now to the person I was visiting.’ She patted the girl’s thin arm. ‘But I’m thinking of you and will say a prayer for you.’
‘Thank you.’ Pat gave her a watery smile.
Sister briskly took hold of her. ‘Come on, my dear. After your visit to the chapel we’re going to make you a nice cup of tea and you can tell me where you live. We’ll make sure you get home safely, so don’t you worry.’
‘Thank you, Sister,’ Raine said. ‘I’d better get back to Doug.’
Doug was sitting on a chair beside his bed. He looked up at her approach and her heart lurched at his serious expression. She grabbed another chair and set it down opposite him.
‘Sorry about that,’ she said, ‘but I had to do something. Her boyfriend died before she could say goodbye to him. It’s so sad.’
‘Yes, it is,’ Doug said, an impatient edge to his tone. He caught her eye. ‘Now, where were we?’
This was it. But how could she say anything in a ward full of people?
A nurse suddenly appeared. ‘Sorry, visiting hours are over. Mr White is due for an X-ray, so please say your goodbyes.’ She began to swish the curtains together.
Saved again, Raine stood, despising herself for being so cowardly.
‘But we haven’t had any time to—’ Doug began.
‘You know the rules.’ The nurse gave him a disarming smile. ‘Your girlfriend will come and see you soon, I’m sure. Anyway, you’re due for discharge in a few days so you’ll have plenty of time together.’
‘If only.’ Doug looked like a bad-tempered schoolboy.
Everything seemed stacked against her telling Doug the truth, but it was no good. The hospital just wasn’t the right place to have such a personal conversation. Even the nurse assumed she was his girlfriend. It would be a rotten trick to spill out her love for another man in front of other patients and nursing staff, as though she’d picked such a place on purpose so he couldn’t give a natural reaction. And afterwards, he’d be left on his own to absorb the shock. Then there’d be all the questions he’d want to ask.
> Raine picked up her coat and leant down to say goodbye. He tried to kiss her mouth, but she turned her head a fraction and his kiss landed on her cheek.
‘I’ll see you soon, Doug,’ she said, putting on her coat and collecting her cap and handbag.
‘All right, love,’ Doug said. ‘Take good care of yourself.’
‘You, too,’ she said.
‘Raine, just one more thing.’
She turned.
‘I love you,’ he said. ‘Don’t forget it, will you?’
‘I won’t.’
Tears sprang to her eyes she walked away, along the corridor and out of the entrance door. She couldn’t wait to get back to White Waltham where the only turbulence was in the air.
Chapter Thirty-Two
It wouldn’t have taken more than a minute or two to have explained to Doug who Alec was – and it would have stopped him having any further illusions – but the nurse had glared at Raine, putting her in a difficult position. Raine tried to convince herself that the dreaded moment had been put off by no fault of her own, but a little voice inside her head insisted that if she’d really wanted to tell Doug, she would have asked a passing nurse to direct that poor sobbing girl to the chapel.
But it had been impossible while he was in hospital, she argued with herself. She needed to meet him somewhere where no one was liable to burst in at any moment. She’d have to make do with writing him a letter, but not make a big thing of it. Simply tell him to let her know when he was to be discharged and they could then have a proper talk.
She received his reply in a short note saying they were discharging him in exactly a week and where could they meet. And how much he was looking forward to seeing her again now his leg had improved, and they could talk things through and make their future plans.