“Good to see you too,” he said as he held me. Eventually, when the others behind us started to seem restless, I forced myself to pull away. “You look like shit, by the way.”
“Gee, thanks,” I said, pretending to be shocked. “What are you doing here, anyway?” As overjoyed as I was to see him, I was also afraid that his presence meant there was more that I didn’t know was going on.
“I’ll get there. Gwen, this is Eric.” He nodded to the other plain clothed man. Eric was everything my brother wasn’t. He was tall where Ben was on the shorter side, bulky where Ben was thin, light haired where Ben was dark.
“He’s cute,” I whispered to Ben before bending forward to take Eric’s hand.
“This will have to do since I’m trapped behind the table,” Eric said, “but later I’m going to have to give you a big hug.”
Normally, I’d be hesitant about anyone who thought they were good enough for my brother. Eric was different. He’d gotten my brother through a rough time which earned him points right away, and now, in person, I could instantly tell he was both a protector and a teddy bear.
Good for Ben.
“Gwen, if you don’t mind, we don’t want to waste the officer’s time.” Norma smiled up at me, but it didn’t feel very welcoming. That phrase “smile didn’t meet her eyes” came to mind. Her eyes were not shining. Her eyes were serious.
I swallowed, remembering the somberness of the situation, and sat down in the empty chair with a nod. I suddenly wished I’d ordered a coffee first. I had a feeling I needed energy for this conversation.
Norma must have seen me eyeing her latte. She passed it over to me as she said, “This is Officer Taylor. He’s handling the case with Dad.”
“Hi. And thank you.” I took a swallow of the too sweet beverage. At least it wet my dry throat. When I set the drink down, I found everybody’s eyes on me.
A chill ran down my spine as a thought suddenly occurred to me. “You didn’t confront him already, did you?” If the cops had talked to him, he’d be pissed. Maybe he’d threatened me. Was that why I had the security dude? Had Ben come because of that? Was this why everyone was so anxious about my arrival?
As irrational as it may have been, the thought of angering my father set me into full-fear mode. My hands felt clammy and my stomach churned. I wanted to believe that I was safe. He was on parole, after all. He was in a halfway house. Yet, he’d managed to hit me once already.
Norma put a comforting hand on my knee. “He’s not going to hurt you, Gwen. Do you hear me?”
I searched her face, but I wasn’t comforted. She was worried and that worried me. I turned to the officer. “What did he say? I need to know.” I shifted my eyes to Ben. “And what does it have to do with you being here?”
Ben nudged me with his elbow. “My being here had nothing to do with any of this, but all of this does make me glad that I happened to come when I did. Now let the cop talk before Norma gets her panties in a wad.”
I glanced over at Norma in time to see her scowl. “Okay,” I conceded. “But you’re filling me in on everything later.” I returned my attention to Officer Taylor.
“Go ahead,” Norma said to him, as if giving permission to talk. Though, from the expression on his face, I was pretty sure he didn’t care whether she permitted him or not.
I liked him already.
“We haven’t actually spoken to William Anders yet,” Officer Taylor said. “We would have, after you filed your report. Or his parole officer would have. But he never came back to his house last night.”
“What does that mean?” Every hair stood up on my body in rigid fear, but I had to be sure I understood what I was hearing. I wanted it spelled out.
Now Officer Taylor glanced at Norma before answering. “It’s a violation of his parole. With the assault charge you’re filing now, in addition to his attempt at extortion, this is enough to see him incarcerated again.”
Ben sat forward in his chair. “I’ll tell you what it means—it means he’s on-the-run. He realized he fucked up with you yesterday, and he’s too scared to go back and face the consequences. It means no one is monitoring him. It means the asshole is free.”
“It means we aren’t safe,” Norma added.
Well. I’d wanted it spelled out and I got it. I took another swallow of her latte, wishing it were something stronger. Wishing I were someone stronger.
I placed a hand over the one Norma still had on my knee and squeezed. She’s overreacting, I told myself. She’s being precautious. We’re still safe. I’m still safe.
But I knew the truth was exactly opposite. She wasn’t the type to overreact. I could even imagine the source of the looks between her and the cop. She’d probably told him not to scare me. To keep his details short and concise. She’d either neglected to lecture Ben the same way or he’d ignored her.
I ran my free hand back and forth across my throat, needing something to do with my fingers, and asked the hard question. “You think he’ll come looking for me again, don’t you?”
“It’s hard to say,” Officer Taylor said. “He came looking for you once, and that makes us more likely to believe he’d come for you again. Especially since he didn’t leave with what he wanted.”
I nodded. God, I felt like a bobblehead with all the nodding I was doing, but it was easier than saying the equivalent words. Easier than saying, I understand what you’re getting at. Easier than acknowledging verbally that I was in full agreement that my father would very possibly come after me again.
A sob caught in the back of my throat. The boogieman of my youth was real and alive and dangerous. How could I not be scared to tears?
And Ben! He had to be as frightened as I was. He’d been even more tormented by my father.
I reached out to take his arm. “You shouldn’t be in town right now.” Ironic that I’d been the one that had wanted him to come to New York so desperately, and now I was telling him to leave.
Ben patted my hand. “It’s scary as all hell, isn’t it? But I’m good. Trust me.”
Behind him, I saw my driver take a seat a couple of tables away. He barely glanced at us. Was he watching all of us, I wondered? Would that be how we lived now? Covertly watched over by strangers hired by my sister?
I didn’t like the idea. Ben was being strong, though, so I decided I needed to be tougher too. I sat up straighter, forcing myself to appear as brave as I wanted to be, refusing to let fear paralyze me. Not like it had in my childhood. “Why is he being so stupid, anyway? I don’t get it. He wasn’t ever a criminal. He beat his kids. He didn’t steal or blackmail. He wasn’t a guy who went ‘on-the-run’.”
“As I explained to your brother and sister before you arrived, prison changes people, Ms. Anders,” Officer Taylor said, patiently. “And fellow inmates aren’t always very kind to child abusers. Your father wouldn’t have had an easy time in there. It seems he developed a drug habit, as well. Crack, I’m guessing. That’s not uncommon, and, the strange thing for many of these addicts is that being released becomes more of a burden than a blessing. Their main concern is where to get their next score and they have no contacts, no money, no place to go back and crash afterward.”
My father’s a crack addict. Great. Should I have been able to tell that when I’d seen him? Had he been shaky? His eyes dilated?
Guilt rattled through me. Guilt—of all things. How fucked up was it that I felt like this was our fault? Like, if we hadn’t put him jail, he wouldn’t be so messed up. If we hadn’t put him in jail, he wouldn’t be a threat to me today.
They were bullshit responses, but I couldn’t help feeling them. I hated the part of me that cared at all that my father suffered. I hated that I wondered why Ben couldn’t just stick it out like I had. Hated that I even thought for a second that my peace of mind now should be any more valuable than my brother’s safety was then.
I couldn’t look at him.
Norma leaned in. “Whatever you’re thinking right now, Gwen, it’s na
tural. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”
Easier said than done. She didn’t know what I was thinking.
As if to remind me what a monster my father was, my face started to throb right then. Remember this pain, it told me. Ben went through this and more. Your father deserves to be a mess.
Hateful words were no more encouraging than guilty ones. I took my hand from Norma’s and crossed a leg over the other. “So what happens now?”
I’d addressed the question to everyone, but it was Office Taylor that answered. “We obviously want to get him where we know he’s going to be. Right now, that’s at the club tomorrow morning. We’ve already contacted the owner and the general manager and plan to have a team waiting for him when he shows up.”
“Will I need to be there?” I stopped breathing while I waited to be told whether I was going to be bait or not.
Thankfully, the officer shook his head. “We don’t think so. We’d prefer that you aren’t, actually.”
I sighed audibly. “Okay. I prefer that too.”
Norma smiled reassuringly. “Matt already said you could take as much time off as you need. He completely understands.”
“Thanks. I’ll think about that.” Really, I couldn’t think about anything anymore. My thoughts were a buzz like a radio dial not quite set on a station. For the rest of the interview, while Officer Taylor took down my report, while he photographed my face, while he dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s, I buzzed. Anything that floated across my mind was lost to the interference. Nothing took hold. Nothing touched me.
I had no idea how much later it was when Officer Taylor made his farewell and Norma and I sat alone with our brother and his boyfriend. At some point, someone had gotten me my own coffee—Eric, maybe—and I warmed my hands around it now. Strange how cold I felt when the shop was stuffy and stifling.
Norma sat back in her seat and studied me for several seconds. Finally she said, “Do me a favor, will you? Take a deep breath. This part is over. Let it go.”
I was tempted to argue with her—I needed my tension; it made me feel safe—but my shoulders were beginning to hurt and my jaw had locked from clenching. Maybe trying to relax wasn’t such a bad idea.
Somewhat grudgingly, I inhaled and then exhaled. I did it again. After the third time, I actually felt a little less stressed. I rolled my neck from side to side and shook out my arms.
“Better?”
“Yes. Thank you. I needed that.”
“I know.” She turned to Ben. “How about you? How are you holding up?”
A glance at my brother said that the day hadn’t been a picnic for him either. “I don’t know,” he said. “I really thought when we did this ten years ago that it was going to be the end.”
“We all did.” Norma’s voice sounded tired, and I realized in that moment that even though she’d missed living with the worst of our father, she’d been fighting him most her life just the same. For us. I was amazed she wasn’t more exhausted.
Ben shifted in his seat a few times, and I recognized the awkwardness of hard emotions. Ones that were heavy and difficult to carry, let alone talk about. “It’s not fair,” he said finally, his jaw working. “It’s not fair that he still gets to make us scared.”
Eric offered his hand and Ben took it, gripping his fingers around his boyfriend’s tightly.
“I’m okay.” Ben’s reassurance was directed to Eric, but I suspected it was for all of us. “Really. Just pissed. Which is much better than feeling ashamed and scared. Trust me.”
I didn’t need to trust him. I knew firsthand that shame and fear felt pretty damn shitty. I was feeling that way right then.
“Can we be done with Dad? And now can you please tell me what you’re both doing here?”
Ben and Eric exchanged a look I couldn’t read. “Well,” Ben said. “Eric and I have been talking about coming out here for a while now. In my therapy, after the hospital, I realized that I’d been pushing away all reminders of the past, thinking that was the way to get over things. It wasn’t, of course. Because the past will always be and I can’t change it and I need to learn to accept it, yada yada, mumbo jumbo psychology stuff. But the other part of that is, when I kept things away that I considered reminders, I really was shutting out the things that made me strongest. You guys, for one. This city is another. Meaningful relationships.” He smiled at Eric at the last one. “So instead of trying to hide the painful things, I’m working on facing them and living with them. It’s really made me a different person.”
“That’s amazing, Ben. I can tell, and I’m so glad. And I’m really glad that you decided to visit, even though I think you have terrible timing.”
Ben let go of Eric’s hand and put his arm around the back of his chair. “We were actually planning to come out next month, but when Norma called yesterday, I wanted to be here now. And we’re not visiting—we’re looking for a place to live.”
“You’re moving here?” I couldn’t have been more surprised if he’d said he was pregnant. “Both of you? But why? I mean, yay! But I’m so confused.”
Ben laughed. “I know. It’s quite a one-eighty. But I’m telling you, I’m different. I’m not letting Dad scare me away anymore. I’ve wasted too much time away from my family. From both of you. I want to be here. I need to be here. Now that Dad’s being an extra special dickwad, I need to be here more. We need to stick together. We work best that way.”
I nodded, again with the bobblehead, but this time not saying anything because I was too happy.
“Anyway,” Ben went on, “Eric’s company is based out of New York, and he can get an easy transfer. I haven’t had a job since I took my leave from the movie theater. When Norma offered to help us out, it felt like a good time to come.”
I turned to Norma. “You knew about this?”
She shrugged. “We’d talked a little about it. He wanted it to be a surprise.”
“It’s a really good surprise.” The best surprise. I beamed, not caring about the pain from my cheek.
“Enough about me,” said Ben, which was funny since we’d barely discussed him. “I want to know about you and this guy you’re seeing.”
The mention of JC brought a new wave of emotions on as I suddenly remembered where I’d left things with him.
“What’s wrong?” Norma asked, reading me as she always did. “Are things not going well?”
I took a moment to answer. I’d been so desperate to go after him earlier. Then I’d forgotten it all while I dealt with the more urgent situation regarding my father. Then there was the distraction that Ben’s arrival had provided. It wasn’t even noon and I’d already been on a rollercoaster of emotions.
Having had a little time away from the morning with JC, I now had some perspective. Perhaps I’d been too dramatic about it.
“Well,” I said, trying to decide how to sum everything up. “Things are strange, right now. Actually, most of it’s pretty fucking amazing. We just said we loved each other. And he took care of me all night after, well, after the Dad thing. JC was really sweet.” I took a sip of my drink, hoping to hide the blush that had crept up as I’d talked.
“That’s fabulous!” Ben said.
At the same time, Norma said, “I had a feeling he’d come around.”
“Yeah, he came around all right. And it was fabulous. But then he ruined it this morning. He proposed.”
Norma perked up, but it was Ben who really reacted. “As in marriage? Get out of town.”
“Yep. Wants to go to Vegas and tie the knot. Tonight.” Telling it to my siblings this way, leaving out the strange parts like the phone call he’d received and his desperate behavior made the whole thing seem ridiculous again.
Or maybe I wanted it to sound ridiculous so that was how I told it. Because I really didn’t want to feel like I’d made the wrong choice.
“Are you going to go?” This came from Norma.
“No! I’m more levelheaded than that. Give me some credit. I don’t even
know his full name. I really don’t even know his first name.” Excuses, excuses, excuses. I recognized that I was making them. I wondered if Norma saw through these as easily as she saw through every other part of me.
“Anyway.” I picked at the sleeve on my coffee cup. “When I left, he said he was heading to the airport and that he hoped I’d join him. He was so final about his goodbye. Like, if I don’t marry him then it’s over. Which if that’s the case, I definitely don’t want to marry him. But also, if that’s the case, I’m really going to be sad.” My bravado faltered at the end, and I bit my lip to keep from getting any more emotional about it.
I waited for Ben to console me or Norma to lecture me or give me whatever it was that I deserved. I wasn’t quite sure what it was. Maybe nothing. Maybe I deserved nothing at all.
I’d shredded most of the coffee sleeve when Norma finally asked, “He’s headed to Vegas now?”
“Yeah.”
Norma sat back in her chair. “You should go.”
“I agree,” Ben piped in.
My head flipped up. “I should marry him?”
“No.” Norma said at the same time Ben said, “Why not?”
Norma considered. “Well, if you want to. But I meant you should go to Vegas. Join him. Be with him. He obviously needs you. And, right now, I’d be happier if you were out of town. Might as well go and work all this out with him. Forget about everything here. Get to know the guy. If you end up getting married, hey, that’s fine too.”
“I so appreciate how cavalier you are with the rest of my life.” I said it sarcastically, but really, I kind of did appreciate it.
She sat forward and leaned her forearm on the table. “I’m being anything but cavalier about your life. I’m trying to keep you safe from a man who has hurt you over and over. JC, on the other hand, has done nothing but good for you as far as I’ve seen. If you said it was what you wanted, I’d approve a future with him in a heartbeat.”
I gaped. When I realized it, I shut my mouth, but continued to stare at her incredulously. This was not like my sister. She was even more practical than I was. She was grounded and pragmatic. She looked for the best return on investments. She didn’t suggest risky ventures. Ever.
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