by Lara Hale
I wait for Harvey to panic too, but he doesn't. Instead, he puts his hand on my leg and squeezes. I have no clue or interest in what's going on—too many other things to worry about—so we just keep on going, making it closer and closer to whatever is waiting for me when I finally face the truth and see her lifeless body.
HARVEY
Chapter 23
It pains me to see the man I love hurt. I mean, not the man I love—Oh fuck it! Yes, yes, the man I love. It's like the moment Lamar said it out loud, it got engraved on my forehead.
“I said nothing to Shane. I promise, I didn't!”
“Hey, it's ok. I believe you.” I tell Tobias.
“You do?”
“I do. Now, let's get ready for bed.”
We arrived at the hotel and decided that it was too late, and we could wait until tomorrow to go to his parents' house. And by 'we decided,' I mean Shane and I convinced him.
“Why are you being so nice and loving to me; in public and all?”
Because I love you!
I want to say it, but I don't know if saying that right now would be the best idea. He already thought I pitied him. He probably wouldn't believe me.
“Do we have to talk about it right now? I know you have other things to worry about, so maybe we revisit the topic when we are back home.”
“Yeah, I guess we can do that. Are you sure everything is alright?”
“Yes, Tobias, everything is ok.” I pull him to me and kiss his temple, he tenses against me, and I immediately worry. What if I've been reading this all wrong? He got all tense when Shane mentioned the rooms, and we never mentioned his feelings since that one time so, what if he doesn't feel the same?
“Thank you for being here, Harvey,” his voice interrupts my thoughts, “I know I can be a brat sometimes, and you could be doing so many other things instead of being stuck here in this close-minded town.”
And as easy as that, he puts my worries to rest. How didn't I see it before? Why didn't I recognize what this man truly means to me?
“Hey, would you eh… could we have sex? I could use the distraction.” I bite my tongue to stop the remark on the fact that he considers being with me, a distraction. I know he is in pain. I can't hold things like that against him.
“Alright, Mr. Spencer, where do you want me?”
“Inside me, Mr. Breevort.”
I stop and stare. Not because I don't want to sink inside him, I just know he prefers to be the one to take. And how the fuck did I end up loving having something up my ass? And not just something; a dick for God's sake. Can I live with this? Can I live like this?
Could I go around, holding a man's hand, saying I love you and telling my family about it? Shit! My family. What if they kick me out and disown me like Tobias' did? Can I live with that?
“Hey? Do you not want to do it? I understand if I'm too much to deal with right now.” His words crash inside my brain; I’ve never seen him so insecure.
“What? No! Are you crazy? Come here.”
And he does. He begins to walk my way, and I put my hand out for him; when he takes it, I guide him to the bed and push him gently onto it so that I can crawl over him. I take his mouth and kiss him, and he kisses me back with just as much passion and desire. I take his shirt off and remove mine; then I lower back down until my mouth is close enough to trace kisses over his chest. A flat chest, a chest that belongs to a man.
I kiss the path that goes down his belly until I get to kiss the edges around the waistline of his pants. I begin to unbuckle his belt; soon, I have his cock out, and in my hand, stroking it up and down, afraid to put it in my mouth, knowing I'm not good at it.
“Get… get your fingers in me, Harvey, please, get them in me.” He requests through pants and hard breaths, and I comply, knowing that my only goal right now is to give him pleasure and be the distraction he needs. I get one, two, and—when he is ready—a third finger inside him.
I can't bring myself to get my tongue on him, not down there, so I use a lot of lube to help with the process. The man keeps a packet in his wallet come what may, and any other time it would make me jealous that he is always prepared, but right now, all I can be is grateful.
When I have him squirming and pushing into my hand, I get up and remove what's left of my clothes. I smile at him, and he responds by smiling back at me, but his smile is so sad, it breaks my heart.
I move back over him, and when I feel my body lying flat on top, with every part of me touching his, I caress his face with the palm of my hand, sliding it up to go through his soft dark hair, and tugging at it a little bit until I hear the hiss out of his mouth; a whispered moan to follow.
“I want you, Tobias.”
“I'm here Harvey, take me.”
“No, Tobias, I really want you!”
“Then, shit! Get in me.”
I give up on trying to get the words out. Maybe I shouldn't try so hard. I put on a condom and begin to slide home. Home; a few days ago, that would have just been a figure of speech, but today it’s a reality. Being with him feels like home.
“Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck!” He chants, and I freak out,
“Am I hurting you?”
“No, this is just so… fucking intense, Harvey!”
“I know, baby, I feel it too.”
I have a feeling that the way he just tensed again is because he doesn't trust me, and I need him to trust me; I need Tobias to believe me. I begin to move slowly in and out of him, and I doubt I could ever not be with him again. I keep going in and out, and the pleasure builds more and more.
“I'm sorry, Harvey…” He whispers in my ear and I keep my face where it is, buried in the crook of his neck, and I talk to him.
“You don't have to be sorry about anything.”
“I do. I'm sorry for—” And that's when I realize he is crying. He chokes on a sob, and my heart hangs on a thread for him, but he continues to talk, “I'm so sorry I'm making you do this. I'm so sorry I pushed you.”
I stop moving, as the tears continue their race leaving his bright eyes and drowning into the pillow. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do in a case like this, so I just hold him and let him talk, even if it breaks me not to interrupt him.
“I don't want this to happen to you. I don't want your family to die, and you not being there for them because they pushed you away.” And then all hell breaks loose. He starts to push me off of him in panic. “You need to go! You need to leave. No one can see you with a man, Harvey! You are not gay, and I can't let people think you are gay. I can't ruin your family, Harvey. I can't ruin yours like I ruined mine.”
“Hey, hey, hey! Stop that.” I look him in the eyes, “You are not doing anything to me, and I am not doing anything I don't want.”
“No, Harvey, you don't know! You can't ruin your life like this and much less for a bit of fun. No… no, you have to stop and then go back to your women. Yeah, and you have to marry one of them and be happy and have kids, and then no one could push you away.”
More tears roll, and my heart keeps shattering.
“I ruined it, Harvey! I ruined my family, and now I will never see my mother again. I ruined it all because I was selfish; because I wanted to fuck guys when I could have just continued fucking girls.”
“Tobias, please stop! You didn't ruin anything. You've made it all better.”
“No, I didn't, I haven't… I just made it worse. Everything I do, does. I shouldn't have told you I was in love with you. Then you wouldn't have felt obligated to have sex with me, and we wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be about to hurt you and to ruin it all for you.”
“Tobias?” He keeps talking, not stopping, not listening to me. “Tobias, listen to me.” He doesn't; he refuses to.
“Tobias!” I shout, and before he calms down, I just say it. I hold his face between my hands and say it. “I love you!”
I said the words, and now I wait.
HARVEY
Chapter 24
He is looking at me
, and I'm looking at him. I wipe his tears with my thumb, wishing I could do more than just that. I can't understand how something as simple as accepting I love him can make it all so obvious.
“Please say something, Tobias… anything!”
“I don't know what to—I mean, you love me? You love me? Why?”
“Do I need a reason? I love you, Tobias. The reasons why are infinite.”
“I don't understand.”
“Tobias, I love you!”
I move a little to get more comfortable and only then realize that I was still inside him. And even though my erection had deflated, he lets out a hiss when I move.
“I don't understand it either, and maybe this isn't the best time for me to say this, but Spencer, I can't let you think that you are ruining my life in any way because it is the opposite.”
He doesn't reply for a few minutes, the tears keep rolling down and getting lost in the pillow, but his panic is gone; still, he won't talk.
“Is it too late?”
He responds with a hum as if to ask what I'm talking about, “Is it too late for me? Your feelings, are they gone?” and instead of giving me an answer to that, he says something I wasn't expecting.
“I'm scared, Harvey.”
“Why, baby? Talk to me.”
“That, Harvey! That right there! You are being too sweet to me, and I'm scared this is just because I'm vulnerable or because I need you. I need you to tell me the truth, because I couldn't risk turning your life in the same shit show mine has turned.”
I don't answer right away because I want to make sure whatever I say next convinces him that I'm honest, that I took my head out of my ass, and that I'm here for him.
“I can't say I'm not scared, myself; the thought of it just terrifies me. But here's the thing, Spencer. I can choose to ignore what I know I feel for you, I can go on with my life and have all the things I supposedly should. Or I could stay here with you, make love to you, and love you until you have no doubt I do. Yes, that could get people to hate me and feel disgusted but let's be honest here… I'm not exactly anybody's cup of tea.”
He smiles, and I count it as a win. That is precisely what I want.
“I'm so confused right now. I want all that you are offering, Harvey, but I don't know if I could get over you when you change your mind.”
“But, I won't.”
“But what if you do?!”
I breathe in, out, and continue.
“Tobias, this is no different than any relationship between people of opposite sex. We could end up hating each other and this between us, not working. But Spencer, we could also live together, grow old together, have it all together. Are you willing to not take a chance? Because I am willing, Tobias, even if I have so much to lose, I'm willing to risk it if it means I get the chance to see how things go with you.”
And when I think I said too much that I put it all out there for nothing, my Tobias is back.
“When did you become such a sap, Breevort?”
I smile at him and kiss his lips. “I blame you for that, Spencer. You started parading that fine ass around my house; I didn't stand a chance.” And he smiles again and again, and I feel complete. He is right. When did I become such a sap?
“I love you!” I breathe against his lips as I kiss them. “I love you!” I say again, as I breathe against his neck, and begin to move my hips, feeling myself as I harden inside him, the feeling being one of the best I've ever felt.
“I want to make love to you, and I want you to make love to me; I want you deep inside me, Tobias. What have you done to me?”
“Harvey…” The sound leaves him, and I know I have him again. I know his panic is gone, and I know damn right that he wants to believe me. I will prove to him that he can trust me.
I keep moving my hips in slow circles, and my idea of overusing that lube makes even more sense now that my dick feels so good, as it glides a little in and a bit out of him.
“Harvey! Harvey, fuck!”
There isn't an inch of air passing between us; that's how close we are to each other. My cock is finally fully erect, and my thrusts become more pronounced, with his cock just as hard, being stroked between us by the move of our bodies.
“God, your dick inside me is the best thing I could be feeling right now.” And the man, after making me doubt myself, finally puts my heart at ease.
“I love you, Harvey!”
And damn it, it feels good to hear those words coming from the person you love just as much. I don't respond because I know he doesn't need it, and I don't speed up because I feel that we are both already on edge.
I thrust into him over and over. I feel a weird squeeze in my chest that is mixed with excitement, with happiness, and I feel grateful and so damn satisfied, knowing I can take care of him and give him something as good as he deserves while the outside world collides for him.
“God, Harvey, I'm going to come!”
I huff and let him know that I’m about to come deep in him. Wanting to get even deeper, I move back so I could push both his legs between us and as high as they would go; when I lower my body and begin to thrust into him once more, I see how his eyes roll back while I get deeper into him than I've been inside anyone else before.
I feel the bliss of all the 'I love yous' we've shared today, and with the tingle that crawls from between my legs and out of my body, I come and come and keep coming as if it will never end.
I jerk his cock faster, and even though I'm empty, I continue to move in him, provoking his orgasm to chase mine, and it does.
I look between us, and I see his seed spilled all over his stomach, and without a single fuck, I drop myself on top of him.
We kiss until the sleep doesn't let us stay awake any longer, and I know that whatever happens tomorrow, this man knows that he has people that love him, and most importantly, he has me, and he knows I love him.
TOBIAS
Chapter 25
Black buttoned-down; gray slacks that have seen better days but are ironed to perfection. Red puffy eyes, a perfect contrast to the outfit that hugs me as I visit my mother, as I see her body being hidden under the wet ground. The rain couldn't be more fitting to the moment that awaits.
“Do you want me to go in first? Make sure they behave?”
Harvey Andreas Breevort. His voice, his tone, a lullaby to my ears and my fogged mind.
“It's ok. No matter how I approach this, I know my family’s welcoming—or lack thereof, will be the same.”
Ugly clouds form a dome in the sky, as if it was raining in every single city, every country, every continent, all at once. The scene could serve as a poster for a sad song propaganda; the only happy color being the coppery shine in Shane's hair.
“Coming!” Ahmed shouts from inside the house after I've knocked twice on the door. Less than a minute later, the door opens and I find him there, surprised, relieved, maybe?
“Oh! You made it. I couldn't reach you, and I thought you blocked my number, so I stopped calling.” Okay, relieved it is.
“Broken phone.” I say dryly, “I didn't have a new one until yesterday. Where is she?”
“At the funeral home. They are getting her ready.” The question in my eyes is apparent, and he responds without me voicing the words, “We used money from the wedding's account. Gretchen is not happy!” He chuckles nervously, but I ignore it; his bratty fiancée, his problem.
“Come in! Dad is in the back.”
Ahmed hadn't realized until now that I'm not alone. He looks Harvey up and down, most likely remembering their last encounter. Then he looks at Shane, with disgust evident in his sneer. Even dressed to a funeral in clothes that aren't as loud as you would expect, Shane’s mannerisms are traceable; obvious even. But again, Ahmed doesn't say anything. I'm not stupid, though, and I know this isn't all. They didn't magically accept me.
A resonant voice takes up the whole house as my father approaches us. “Ahmed! Who's at the door?”
“It's eh…
Tobias.”
The silence seems to last forever until my father appears from the hall, and there is the reaction I was expecting. “What the hell is he doing here?”
“I called him to let him know that—to ask him… to tell him about mom.”
They look at each other as if they have some sort of unspoken agreement, and my father holds back whatever nasty remarks he had in store for me.
“When are we burying her?”
I pray to whichever God is real that he says today, so I don't have to stay in this town longer than I have to.
“Tomorrow morning.”
I mean, was I really expecting to be that lucky? Our family is probably coming from all around the state to say their last goodbyes. I guess they are stretching it as much as they can.
And that brings the reminder, the realization that yes, my family will be here. I haven't talked to them since I left, and I'm not sure mom would've told them.
On one side, I can see her proudly exclaiming to our very Christian family that she kicked her sinner son out of her blessed house. I can also see her hiding it all, so they don't 'blame my gayness' on how she raised me.
“I see. Which funeral home? I’m just going to go see her now and head back home.”
My brother looks back to our father and then back at me, and with fear, in his eyes, he voices his thoughts.
“You won’t be able to. They said they wouldn’t have her ready yet. You’ll have to stay here and see her tomorrow.”
Thomas Spencer—who was almost done tying his shoelaces—jolts at the words and all but runs toward where we stand. The first thing he does is look at Shane and Harvey with disgust, but neither of them has said a single word since we arrived. Not until now, anyway.
“Mr. Spencer.” It’s all the acknowledgment my father gets from Harvey, but honestly? It is much more than he deserves.