Gay Indeed

by Lara Hale

“We don't have room here for this much,” he looks us all up and down once more, “company.”

  I stare at my father, tilting my head like a confused puppy, and I wonder how he could stop being proud of me just because I don't fit his mold? Where is the man that insisted on polishing all my trophies so they could be proudly displayed throughout the house?

  “Don't worry, sir,” I tell him, “we won't bother you anymore. See you tomorrow, Ahmed.”

  “Yes, bye!”

  I don't even care about his reply; I'm here for her, for the love she once felt for me. I'm here for her because growing up, if we only had food for four, both she and my father would starve so Ahmed and I could eat twice.

  Harvey, Shane and I make our way back to the hotel, and I feel numb inside and out.

  “Damn it, Tobias! I didn't know.”

  And yes, it's true, I didn't disclose my relationship with my family until this trip began, but Shane must have thought I was just being a drama king. Guess he got lucky, and since both his parents are as quirky as he is, they celebrated his coming out like a second sweet-sixteen.

  TOBIAS

  Chapter 26

  “I know the answer, but I'll ask again. Do you want me to go in first?”

  The next day took the express train and got here way too fast, and now we are at the funeral home, and I'm a nervous wreck.

  “No, let's just get it over with. Delaying it won't change anything.” And I would much rather not find myself face to face with any other family member. I think a thousand times is enough to hear I'm going to hell.

  I enter the room in which she lays asleep. She looks peaceful like she looked every time she took a nap. Her cheeks rose pink; the makeup doing its job. They dressed her in her favorite pantsuit with a flower pattern that always made it feel like Spring was just around the corner. And a tear rolls down my face, followed by another, then another, then anger arises within me, and I lose it.

  “I couldn't say goodbye to you!”

  I shout into the empty space, while the echo of my words howls back to me.

  “I'll never see you again, and you died hating me! It's not fair, mom!”

  I drop down to my knees, my tall frame still allowing me to be able to see her, and I rest my head on the lid of the casket, my hands touching hers. They are cold and lifeless and without a single regret.

  “You loved me, then took the love away from me!”

  I hear the door open, but I don't care who it is; my focus is on letting this woman know what my heart has been keeping inside for so long.

  “You taught me to love others but didn't teach me how to fucking live when others didn't love me. Why did you have to be so fucking selfish? Why did you have to go and die without giving me a fucking chance to win you back?”

  I feel a hand on my shoulder, squeezing in support, I guess. When I look up, I see my uncle; my mother's brother, and when he pulls me up to stand in front of me, he hugs me and pats my back, saying the words I craved and will never have.

  “She loved you, son. She was so proud of you. Don't let the memory of the last year cloud the good things you had before then. You didn't do anything wrong, son.”

  And I wonder if maybe, I made the wrong assumption. What if I pushed my whole family away, but only mom, dad, and Ahmed hated me? The unfortunate answer comes when I look back and see a full room of people that are judging me with their eyes alone. And to make matters worse, my father stalks down the narrow hall surrounded by perfectly-placed chairs.

  “Outside. Now!”

  I wipe my tears with a clean and ironed handkerchief my uncle gives me before making my way out of the room while my father follows; Ahmed is outside pacing the floor, and it is obvious he is not looking forward to whatever we will be talking about. My father doesn't share the same fear because he just goes straight to it.

  “You should have been gone by now. What are you still doing here?”

  I look around me to see who he is talking to; my mother is dead there. What does he think I'm still doing here? “Playing Jenga, dad. What does it look like I'm doing?”

  He looks at Ahmed but points at me, “Didn't I tell you enough times? Once you got the money, he was out! What is he still doing here?”

  I can't believe my ear, my eyes. I can't believe any of my senses.

  “He hasn't. I was waiting until he saw mom so that I could ask for it.”

  “Well, do what you have to do to get him out of here. We don't need him parading the circus of queer he is carrying with him. All three of them; I want them gone!”

  Off the corner of my eye, I see Harvey's clenched fists. I can almost feel Shane's eye rolls. I speak. “So, you've only talked to me, so what? So that I could reimburse you for all this?” Ahmed has the decency to look ashamed.

  “It’s the least you could do after you disrupted our lives with your actions.” My dearest father says. Is he for fucking real?

  “So, you're telling me that,” and as much as I got it together for a brief moment, I lost it again, “you expect me to pay for your fucking wedding? Are you out of your goddamn mind?” And I begin to laugh like a crazy person. “You expect me to pay for all of this? I am not even welcome here! God, you two are fucking gullible!”

  “If you are not going to help your brother and give him the money back so he can marry a nice lady such as Gretchen, then get the hell out!”

  “A nice lady?” I laugh even louder, “Yeah… sure! Ask her about the night I came out to all of you. Ask her about the man she was sneaking around with when she caught me with that guy. Nice lady, my ass!”

  “Don't you talk like that about Gretchen! She is more of a family here that you, you damn faggot!”

  And I just hear the 'whiff' of Harvey's fist, punching the air before it lands on my father's face. Then he looks at me.

  “You are not giving these people any money, and we are getting the fuck out of here. Come back where you belong. Let's go home, Tobias.”

  And when I look around to find Shane, I see the empty area, with Harvey confirming he went to get the car and is picking us up at the main entrance.

  I look at Ahmed's face. I look down the hall where my mother lays ignorant of all that just happened. I see my father wiping blood off his mouth and ready to charge on our way. I don't say a prayer or a goodbye, at least not to them, because I say goodbye to this town, to this state, and to the life I thought was full of unconditional love.

  This all feels like when a season of your favorite show ends on a cliffhanger, and then they cancel it, leaving you without answers. Except I have answers. I don't know what is going to happen, but I know what it’s not.

  I'm not coming back, and I'm ripping the rest of the pages in the book of my life and replacing them with blank ones, so I can create a brand-new future—a future with friends, with co-workers, and hopefully, with Harvey. My knight in fancy armor!

  TOBIAS

  Chapter 27

  Shane and Harvey convinced me that I needed to distress. Whatever the hell that means. So here we are, driving as close to the coast as we can so I can see land and the ocean and all its beauty. It doubled the driving time, but it is good for my soul.

  “Are we staying at a hotel, or are you two going to keep me trapped here for all those hours?” Shane asks from the back seat.

  “Hey! It was your genius idea to make us drive this way.” Harvey tells him.

  “Well, next time, don't listen to me. If only your hunk of a brother were back here with me,” he sighs, “everything would be better with Jared here.”

  “Don't you have a boyfriend?” Harvey asks.

  “Oh honey, he has a bigger crush on your brother than I do. He would so be down for a three-way.”

  Harvey laughs. It is one of the few times I've heard the beautiful sound, and each time it just captivates me. ”I would stop dreaming if I were you. My brother would rather die than join your team.”

  Now is Shane, the one that laughs. A laugh so outrageous that is clearl
y meant to annoy Harvey.

  “Oh, sugar! You of everyone should know how little does that matter. We can be very convincing. Plus, weren't you like, I don't know, super straight,” he mocks, in a grubby macho voice, “before Tobias stuck it up your ass?”

  The laughter dies down the second those words are out. I see Harvey's face change many times in three seconds. From amused to paralyzed, to terrified, to angry, and his jaw twitches.

  “Shit Harvey, sorry! I didn't mean to—” But Harvey just shakes his head, and Shane understands the meaning of it. Shut the fuck up.

  For the next two minutes or so, we drive in silence, but I swear it felt like an hour. Then Harvey opens his mouth, and my eyes almost pop out of their sockets.

  “What makes you think I had it up my ass and not the other way around?”

  I turn so fast I get a headrush and Shane, and I stare at each other in disbelief. I see Harvey smirk when I turn back in my seat.

  “I'm pretty sure Tobias doesn't let anyone near his ass,” Shane tells Harvey, “so do the math sweetie. That leaves your ass, the one to be played with.”

  Then Harvey's answer just makes us laugh even louder, “I guess I can be pretty convincing too.” And for the time being, I don't feel the excruciating pain that has been stabbing at my chest.

  ∞∞∞

  About five hours and many arguments between Harvey and Shane later, Harvey pulls over in front of our apartment building. Shane gets out of the car so fast he leaves the door open, and when I see where he is headed, it all makes sense. Well, in his world, it does.

  The man sees Diandré and runs to him, and when he is within reach, Shane jumps on him and wraps his legs around his boyfriend. Did I mention Shane is that type of person? Anyways, he is that type of person.

  “Alright, from now on, you have to greet me like that whenever I bring you food to work.”

  Whenever he brings me food to work? Does that mean he won't hide? He'll just say, 'fuck it' and let the world know what's between us?

  “I'm serious here. That should make your pal Randy know what not to touch.”

  “Gee, Harvey! Pee on me, why don't you?”

  He rolls his eyes, and before I get the courage to ask if there is an us, he changes the topic.

  “Are you coming over?”

  “I can't. I'm back at work tomorrow.”

  “So? Bring your clothes.”

  I can't hold it any longer. I need to know, despite this being the worst place I could pick to ask the cliché question.

  “Harvey, what are we doing here?”

  He tilts his head to the side like a confused puppy. God, I love it when he does that.

  “I thought it was clear. We are together, right? We are, aren't we? I told you how I feel, and you said you felt the same.”

  He looks so damn cute when he panics, I wish he was always worried, but I can't let him go crazy for my selfish amusement, so I say what I have to say.

  “Well yeah, but I doubt you are ready to—in your words—take a glitter bath any time soon. Are you sure you are ready for this? Are you sure you want to put your sexuality out there for people to judge? For people to run the other way. To kick you out of their lives?”

  He shakes his head and looks down.

  “I'm sorry about your family, Tobias. I'm sorry they don't see how amazing you are.”

  The words are like a blanket to my soul. He delivers them in a soft, smooth tone, like butter, but also powerful and strong, like an old tree. The meaning is clear, he won't hide me, he won't kick me out of his life, he wants me, loves me, as much as I love him.

  “I love you!” I tell him, and for the first time in broad light, he smiles and says, “I love you, too!” And if I had any doubt that I could survive these past few days, he puts them all to rest with those four words alone.

  I kiss his cheek and tell him to wait for me at his place. I'll drive myself there, so I have my car tomorrow morning.

  Somehow, I know that his feelings are real. My family stabbed me with their hate, and broke me down with their rejection, but here is this man who, from day one, has been taking care of me. And I couldn't be more grateful for the little shit that didn't let me in at his restaurant, because now that I have this man, I don't even want to wonder how I would've survived this last week without Harvey, or if I would have at all.

  HARVEY

  Chapter 28

  I arrived home five minutes ago, and I'm desperate as a teenage girl waiting for prom. I've never gotten this gaudy over a woman before, so, maybe I've always been gay.

  Nah, scratch that. I find women hot too, but that's the thing; Tobias is the only man I've even been hot for, and yes, his pretty eyes and pretty soft face might be on the feminine side of features, but that body is… fuck! Every inch of him is in the right place.

  “Hey, mister! Your door was open.”

  Ahh, there he is. Yes, I'm lovesick over him and want him naked already. His eyes blue as the sky on a hot summer day at the beach, his broad chest and wide shoulders, those tight abs.

  “Earth to Harvey!”

  “Shit! Sorry, I spaced out. What?”

  “I asked if you want to order some food while I take a shower.”

  Well, there's an opportunity for something new. “Be honest with me; you just said that so I could think about hot water all over your naked body, didn't you?”

  “Guilty as charged,” he winks, “want to order from that pasta place?”

  But the pasta place is the last thing in my mind when I stare into his eyes and begin to take my clothes off.

  “Is that a 'no' to the pasta?” He asks.

  “Is a 'not right now because we are going to fuck in the shower' to the pasta. Take those clothes off, Tobias.”

  With a smirk and those mischievous eyes fixed on me, he removes his shirt and his shorts, and in just his boxers, he walks away and in the bathroom's direction. I don't know who is fucking who today, but I don't care; I just want this man near me.

  I catch up to him and find him already naked, casually stroking his cock while he searches the cabinets for God knows what.

  “BINGO!” He shouts, and when he turns my way, he jumps back a little, “Jesus, Harvey! What the hell?”

  “Why not the other bathroom?” I ask, “It's bigger.” He licks his lips and looks down to where my dick is already uncovered and hard for him.

  “Yes, it is!”

  “Eyes up here, Spencer!”

  “Boo! You're not fun.” I roll my eyes and repeat the question. “Because Mr. Breevort,” he answers, “this is the one I used when I lived here, so I knew where the lube was.”

  He dangles the bottle in his hand—apparently what he was looking for in the cabinets—and I blurt out the one thing I've had in mind these past few days. “You should move back in.” He gives me the exact reaction I expected… none.

  Seeing as he won't speak, I make my way to him, and when I'm close enough, I hold his face in my hands and press my lips to his. The kiss heats up real quick, and with all the force my body poses, I back him into the wall; we kiss until we crave air and untangle ourselves.

  He has his hands on my hips and I have mine on his face. His swollen lips make me want to dive in back again, and the man gives me the tenderest look and whispers, “You're amazing!”

  “Care to elaborate?”

  “Fishing for compliments, Mr. Breevort?”

  “No, I already know I'm amazing. Just want to know what made you notice it.” I'm just playing, but apparently, he isn't, because the conversation turns in a more serious, less playful direction.

  “The way you've been with me lately, I still can't believe that this is real, that we are real. You just, I don't know, you make me so fucking happy.”

  How was I ever capable of refusing all that this man means to me? I want him, but not just because I'm horny or because I want to experiment; no. I want him, as in, I want to have a life with him.

  “Do you have any idea how much I care a
bout you?” I ask, and instead of answering, he grabs my wrist and leans into my palm with his eyes closed; those beautiful dark eyelashes giving him an angelic look.

  “Come on, let's take a shower.”

  I hold his hand and pull him into the shower with me, but my plans of having a hot fuck in the narrow space disappear as the moment turns more intimate. We hop in and lather each other without saying a word.

  For a moment there, I have him facing my way, so I pull him closer with my hand on the back of his neck. Holding his head as it rests against my chest, I move my hand between us and take him to heaven one stroke at a time. I feel his chest rising and falling, I feel his breathing on my skin, and I close my eyes to get deeper at this moment.

  Still, no words have been said, but our shower is over, and I take him to my bedroom. I feel like we are on the same page here because I don't want to fuck Tobias; I want to make love to him.

  “Harvey…” He whispers.

  “I got you, I'm right here. Lie on your back.”

  He nods and does as I ask. I move on top of him to kiss him over and over while I get him ready to take me. This moment doesn't feel sinful, it isn't dirty; it just feels right, perfect even.

  “Are you ready for me?”

  “Yes, yes, I want you inside me.” He responds without opening his eyes, looking angelic and innocent, even as I know of how dirty he is capable of being.

  “Condoms?” I ask him.

  “No… I trust you.”

  And silly as it sounds, right this second, his trust means the world to me.

  “I've used them with everyone. I promise I'm not putting you at risk of anything.”

  “I told you, Harvey, I trust you.”

  I line myself up and enter him in one thrust that feels heavenly. He hisses, and I soothe him, holding still, giving him time to take it all in, literally and figuratively.

  “Harvey!”

  I know what that means, so I begin to move. I don't know whether it is the lack of condoms or the enormity of what we are doing—maybe both—but I feel like I'm flying without wings, and for the first time, the Westlife song makes sense to me.