by Dani J Caile
Weekend Quickie 94 - TV License
(peaches, cat, a man in a white van, Betamax)
That man in the white van again. Was it time? Or was I paranoid?
I closed the curtains and turned on the lights, ready for another night in. They were showing some Star Trek shows tonight on TV, out of respect for Leonard Nimoy. Looking for a snack, I opened the cupboards only to find a can of peaches. A few hours later, the shows were over, the peaches gone. Tom the cat came creeping in, purring away. Time to feed him. With Tom in one hand, I peeped out to see the white van still sitting outside. Paranoia overload. Was it really time?
After feeding Tom, I went into the basement and searched the boxes. Found it, along with some old tapes. I hoped it worked. Upstairs, I plugged in my old Betamax, switched it on and it came to life. I unplugged the TV cable from the back of the TV and hid it in the secret hole in the wall. There was a ring at the door. I fumbled with a tape and pushed it into the machine, hearing it whirr away.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me sir, but I'm with the BBC. Can I see your TV license?"
The "Weekday" Quickie #3 - Nagyi
(a letter to your favourite grandma, jelly beans, All about the Bass, vitamins, Hump Day)
Dear Nagyi,
I wanted to write you a letter, so here it is.
I really miss you, Nagyi. Are you coming back? I miss those three hour meals over at your place in the darkest eighth with your crazy neighbour breaking up old furniture for firewood and listening to the heated discussions outside between the whores and their pimps. I miss your pogacsa and noodli and ten ton sponge cakes we used to eat when we came over on hump day.
I'm really sorry you mistook that batch of ecstasy pills which accidentally fell out of my jacket pocket when I visited you that time for your daily vitamins and then you proceeded to dance and sing along to the radio playing 'All About that Bass' by Meghan Trainor followed by you lecturing me on the pros and cons of using wooden handled spoons as opposed to plastic until the early hours of the next day. I'm sorry those pills turned your brains into a can of jelly beans and forced the family to send you to a care home.
So if you can read this, if you ever do learn English, I want to say... I love you.
Csabi
Weekend Quickie 95 (Sunday Edition) - Friends
(a Dvd that you hate, a monkey, a pocket watch, the theme song to Friends. 200 words)
"So no one told you life was..."
"Oh, shut up! It's bad enough I have to watch this, let alone listen to you singing the tune!" I hated Friends. They were all so...smug and self-absorbed. And who the hell stays together like that? All my mates ran off and left me with...Dougie. The Dick.
"Sorry."
He took out his pocket watch and gave it a wind as the program began.
"And stop doing that. Jesus, Dougie, you're so irritating."
His lip drooped, making him look like some sad monkey in his bow tie and waistcoat. Who exactly did he think he was? He wouldn't win any fashion prizes, especially with that bumfluff of a moustache.
"I'm sorry, Brian."
"Don't Brian me, it's Bri, okay?"
"Okay. But just think, I could have put in 'Titanic', my favourite."
"Please! You're killing me! That's the worst movie on DVD that we have! I hate it so much!"
"You hate it. I love it."
"Finally. This is the one with the stoned guy. Small blessings. I'm telling ya, Dougie, this was the last time I let you push me into betting 'double or nothing' in tiddlywinks to choose our Saturday night entertainment."
Weekend Quickie 96 - Red haired Potter
(A Goblin, a red haired boy, a booger, Jose Cuervo)
Whoa, that's the biggest booger ever!" Gizmot exclaimed, scratching his arse.
"Nope. That would be the booger of '74. Grew that one in my nose for 341 days. This one was a baby compared to that, only 112." Flith stuck it to the bottom of a chair. "Wait til the cleaner finds that one!"
"For a goblin, you're pretty disgusting, you know that?"
"Yep. But I'm a disgusting but classy goblin."
"Why's that?"
Flith took out a bottle of tequila from his backpack.
"Double whoa! This is a Jose Cuervo, Reserva de la Familia!"
"Only the best for my mate Gizmot on his...birthday! Happy Birthday, buddy!"
A tear rolled down Gizmot's face.
"Ahh, you shouldn't have..."
"I didn't. That one's for me." Flith snatched it back, smashed the top and swallowed the lot. "This one's for you." He threw a 1985 Austrian antifreeze-filled Auslese.
"Thanks."
"Drink up." Gizmot rested on the teacher's desk and looked at the clock on the wall. "So, when's this boy coming?"
"About now, by all reckoning." They both stared at the door.A little red haired boy came in.
"Him? Him? He's the next Master Wizard?"
"Yep."
"Come back, Harry Potter, all is forgiven."
105 - The Battle for Snagglyprinch
(Written in Dr. Seuss Style (The Cat in the Hat), any Dr. Seuss Character (the Grinch), any machine from a Dr. Seuss book, not associated with the character you chose (Bad-Animal-Catching-Machine (If I Ran the Zoo)) , any Dr. Seuss theme not associated with the character or machine (what he was really saying in one of his books)(the concept of war itself, the moral issues related to war and the outcomes of retaliatory acts (The Butter Battle Book))
I lay in the grass,
The sky so sky blue,
And I said, "Oh, my
I have nothing to do!"
"I don't have a worry,
Not a care nor a woe."
So I lay in the grass
With no arrows in my bow.
So all I did was
lay!
lay!
lay!
lay!
With nothing more to say.
Doing nothing the whole day.
And then something went CRASH!
Followed by a god awful SMASH!
I looked!
I saw him!
That trouble and toil!
I saw him, I said,
"You make my blood boil!
Grinch, why are you here?
With that Bad-Animal-Catching-Machine?
Why are you here?
That thing's so gross and obscene!"
"I want to catch Snagglyprinch,"
said the Grinch.
"I need their soup tails,"
said the Grinch, his grin mean.
"A lot of soup tails,"
said the Grinch with a gleam.
Then I stood up
From my stupor and rest.
And pointed a finger
At that insolent pest.
I shouted, "No! No!
You cannot do this hunt!
Those poor Snagglyprinch!
You should not try this stunt!
You go away now!
You go leave this place.
Or I'll make a vow
To show off your disgrace!"
"Now! Now! Do not fret.
Don't worry," said the Grinch.
"This machine isn't bad.
They won't even flinch!
Why, I catch each one
And take off its tail
Without a whimper.
I'm not known to fail."
I screamed "Stop it this instance!"
And took out my bow
I said "Keep your distance!
I won't have this, no!"
"A bow?" said the Grinch.
"That will get you nowhere.
Here is my gun
And here is its pair."
So with a gun in one hand
And a piece in the other,
The Grinch stood his ground
While I searched for another.
"So it's war that you want?
It's war that you need?
Well, here's my new Uzi
Tha
t'll sure make you plead!
I can mess you right up!
I can fill you with holes!
So big you'll take in
A family of moles!"
"Oh please!" said the Grinch.
"With that little thing?
All it'll give me
Is one little sting.
Now take this big blunderbuss
Kills six at one go.
Don't you know?
Don't you know?
I'll make a nice lampshade
Outta your little head
So I think it is time
You took back what you said."
I said "Look here, you Grinch
You haven't won yet!
Why, I've still got bazookas
And howitzers set.
If you think you have upped me
Then chances that you
Will come to a sticky end
Stronger than glue!"
"Look here you young scondrel,
It was fun to start with
But now I will call up
My bestest best Sith!"
And we stood there together
Armed up to the teeth,
With shotguns and Uzis and swords
Out of sheaths.
We foamed at the mouth
And trembled with rage
Who was going to turn
The next page?
"Well," said the Grinch,
"Perhaps I might think
Of doing this elsewhere.
But then again..." *wink*
List of elements for Challenges 79-105 (including Grudge Matches and Opens) and Weekend and Weekday Quickies 50-96
Challenges and Extras
79 - Genetically Enhanced Garden Gnomes, Camelot, Halitosis, Stratego
80 - Furby, Peel Trident car, a lost Emperor, Dr Pepper
NEWSFLASH: Iron Writers in a Bristle (TIW Blog)
81 (Grudge 10)- bear on a unicycle, all characters are household objects, homemade fireworks, Ninja weapnry
82 - A Arnold Schwarzenegger Commando Action Figure, A New (10th) Circle of Hell (meaning you have to make it up and give it a title), The Dunning Kruger Effect, Perfume Atomizer
NEWSFLASH: Demise of the Deadly Duo? (TIW Blog)
The Mirror - Impromtu Relay (18 9 2014)
83 - image of seeing people stadning over a grave, Saggitians, theme song people would play if you walked into a room, W7JFQ ham radio call sign
Grudge 11 - Neo (from Matrix) holding a Sooty Puppet, One character must be riding a pogo stick, Must contain at least three characters with no spoken dialogue between them, Must implement every line of the William Carlos Williams poem, The Red Wheelbarrow, in order (Lines may be interspersed with other prose but individual lines of the poem must be intact.)
84 - Autumn Preliminary Round (Agatha Christie bracket) - Misophonia, Stockholm Syndrome, Something found on a deceased body that would be an embarrassment to the family, Told from the point of view of an interview of someone not yet born
The Duel of Procrastination - One Man Show (4-6 Oct 2014)
85 - (Autumn Equinox Final) - Learn to train your wife in 5 easy lessons (picture), If you are male, you must write your story from the wife's negative point of view. If you are female, you must write the story from the husband's positive point of view.Main Character suffers from Pseudobulbar Affect. Breast Cancer
86 - (Mathew W. Weaver Challenge) - pickled frog, batarang, goat's hoof, home brewed maple syrup
Grudge 12 - dystopian, red Lionel toy train, (all characters in a cardboard box, one character learning 'duck' language
87 - (Pitman/Caile Challenge) - A group of old west cowboys sitting around a fire, ping pong, an inept hitman, the Gloustershire Cheese Rolling competition
88 - (Richard Russell Challenge) - A bouquet of flowers in a trash can, Draw inspiration from "The Pretender" by Jackson Browne, A critically important secret military message, Encroaching storm clouds
89 - (DL Mackenzie Challenge) - A Montblanc Fountain Pen, Vengeance, Telekinesis, The Tigris River
90 - image of two snails kissing while balancing on floating cherries in water, the Drake Equation, Guy Fawkes Night, fried Bologna sandwich cookoff
Grudge 13 - surviving the rain storm without a shelter, a belligerent raccoon, one half dialogue, one half description, story must be centered around the bubonic plague
91 (Steven L Bergeron Challenge) - Carnegie Hall, Prostate Cancer, Facial Hair, Barbershop Quartet
92 - Molasses flood, a Hobson Choice, the last person alive on Earth, a quilting bee
93 - Soylent Beige (drink), Tap dance shoes, steampunk tiger, half a can of flat Dr. Pepper
94 - Han Solo refrigerator, A jury summons, A tame dinosaur, The story must begin OR end with: "Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?"
95 - Bacon, a pair of skis, a group of faceless aliens in green silver suits -4 - first one putting hand up 'halt' or 'hi', Takanakuy
96 (Winter Solstice Prelim) - A grieving boy, Growing up and growing old, An imprisoning life, An adventuresome journey
97 (Winter Solstice Final) - 1968 Elvis Presley Comeback Special, someone mowing/cutting grass, a note left on a car, argyle socks
98 - Botticelli game, long hair, Tiger lily, Steampunk goggles
99 - (cartoon image of writer (Sylvester the Cat) drinking coffee, smoking and trying to write, a howdah, Told from a POV of an alien who views humans both as food and pets, floor buffer)
100 - anhydrous ammonia, White chocolate or dark chocolate, A flagpole, image of knight being held by 3 guards
101 - Venice Frozen (see image below), A lame llama, Straight jacket, A thumb match to settle a grudge
102 - An event that changes a character's personality, A measuring tape, Tetherball, Haggis
"Escribe de'Trois" Challenge - (a tree stand, star dust, edible underwear)
103 - Iron Handcuffs, Barn owls, A light bulb salesperson, A Bumper sticker
104 - The next to the last person alive on Earth, image of woman reading a book in a windowseat in a house, you have written the best story you could have ever wrote. Tell me about it. A lawn mower blade
105 - Written in Dr. Seuss Style (The Cat in the Hat), any Dr. Seuss Character (the Grinch), any machine from a Dr. Seuss book, not associated with the character you chose (Bad-Animal-Catching-Machine (If I Ran the Zoo)) , any Dr. Seuss theme not associated with the character or machine (what he was really saying in one of his books)(the concept of war itself, the moral issues related to war and the outcomes of retaliatory acts (The Butter Battle Book))
Quickies
Weekend Quickie 50 - image - desert with cacti and full moon, element - a falling star, emotion - Ablutophobia
Weekend Quickie 51 - image - jar of marbles, element - time travel, emotion - philophobia
Weekend Quickie 52 - image - rain on a night city street, element - wish upon a star, emotion - bittersweet feeling
Weekend Quickie 1st Anniversary - All 52 elements
Weekend Quickie 52 - 300 words max, write a postcard to an enemy, 5 words to use - freckles, heckles, pickles, jeckles, spinach, postcard image - couple at ComCon
Weekend Quickie 53 - 300 words max, write a postcard to an enemy, 5 words to use - freckles, heckles, pickles, jeckles, spinach, postcard image - couple at ComCon
Weekend Quickie 54 - Genre: Horror, Time: 5 minutes, Start with: He liked to eat their skin first?, End with: He sat with a smile on his face and his belly full.
Weekend Quickie 55 Sunday Edition - You just got pulled over by a cop for speeding. You are poor, and way too clever to get a ticket. Write down the scenario below with what you would say to get out of it? It is never too late to practice the art of B.S. No more than 300 Words. No more than 10 minutes.
Weekend Quickie 56 - Genre: Fantasy, Word Count: Exactly 250 Words! Start with: The Alien Forces were moved among the?Include the words: carnage, litter box, Facebook Status, and Charlie Brown. While writing, l
isten to this song. Play over and over until finished. https://youtu.be/jY9dQ8hUi7U (Edge of Night (Pippin's Song from Lord of the Rings)
Weekend Quickie 57 (Sunday Edition) The Love Boat, The Song: The Love Shack, Picture Below of *The Love Cactus* Genre: Comedy. 250 Words Max
Weekend Quickie 58 - A member of the Iron Writer, an iron, a blunt object, a noose.Write a 200 word story (exact) and use the above elements.Genre: science fiction
Weekend Quickie 59 - You just received your 'Owl' from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. Write about going through platform 9 3/4 for the first time. You must use the following words:Haircut, iPhone, Dog Collar, Kitchen Utensil. Only 250 words.
Weekend Quickie 60 (Sunday Edition) - You've been nominated to give the next Presidential Election Speech from your State/(Area in which you live-for those of you out of the States). Only in this Speech, your 'hopeful' has lost. Use the words below!Hairdryer, Jar of Pickles, Parliament, Hairy crackers, Massage Parlor. Word Limit: 500
Weekend Quickie 61 - (Amusement Park, Can of snakes, McDonald's, Emotion: Terror)
Weekend Quickie 62 (Monday Edition) - Tom Selleck, Clydesdale horse, Dr. Pepper, refridgerator
Weekend Quickie 63 -(Michelle Obama dressed as Monica Lewinsky, Trick or Treat, carrots, the White House)
Weekend Quickie 64 (Sunday Edition) - The song "Born in the USA", Hungary, Russian hat dance, Happy - 250 words
Weekend Quickie 65 - Murder, Moron, Victory, a feeling of being full - 250 words
Weekend Quickie 66 (Sunday Edition) - Tom Cruise, Protestant, Ian vs Dani, feeling of losing a running race to Richard Russell
Weekend Quickie 67 - Taylor Swift, lollipop, Oklahoma, an International Sidewalk Chalk Champion Artist - 250 words maximum
Weekend Quickie 68 (Sunday Edition) - Write down 5 words that start with the 3rd letter of your first name. (Do not read any more until you do this!) (nail, neither, nowhere, nothing, never). Now, take the third word and write a poem centered around this. (Nowhere). Poem needs to be one stanza long.
Weekend Quickie 69 - Two people meeting for the first time, the number 8, catfish, the feeling of being anxious. Max 250 words
Weekend Quickie 70 (Monday Edition) - The winner of a thumb wrestling competition, time capsule, tax audit - 70 words
Weekend Quickie 71 - The feeling of being tired, winter thaw, hamburger patties , armed and dangerous little red riding hood
Weekend Quickie 72 - You just found out that you won 1 million dollars, Amputated ear, James Franco, Ballet Shoes - 100 word Max