Remember that if at any time you feel overwhelmed and drawn away by intense feelings or thoughts, you can come back to the breath in the body to anchor yourself back in the present moment, treating yourself with kindness.
Finally, extend loving-kindness to all beings, including your loved ones and strangers and those whom you find difficult. The intention here is to extend love and friendship to all living beings on the planet—and remembering that all living beings includes you! May all beings be free from suffering. May all beings be happy and healthy. May all of us have ease of being. At the end of this time of practice, take time to sit with the breath and the body, resting in clear awareness of the present moment. Whatever your experience of this practice, acknowledge your own courage in taking the time to nourish yourself in this way.
* * *
And it can be hard …
It is hard to bring genuine loving-kindness and friendship to yourself, so taking the time to explore this practice takes some commitment. But it can be done anywhere, at any time, as well as during the formal daily practice. Gradually, you may become aware that it is impossible to nourish others without also nourishing yourself; impossible to be truly loving to others while you are attacking yourself for not being good enough. This is what Cara found when she took one of our courses:
“I started by steadying myself,” said Cara. “After a moment, I started bringing the phrases to mind: ‘May I be free from suffering …’ After a while, I started noticing something coming to mind—a sense of being overwhelmed with the sheer busyness of my life. I returned to the meditation, but it kept coming up. So I stayed with this, seeing if I could bring friendliness to my sense of busyness.”
What was Cara sensing? Afterwards, she reflected further on her experience. “Although I knew I was very busy in my life, I never thought of it as something that was actually doing me harm—that I was actually suffering because of it. It reminded me of another phrase that I had once heard—’May I be safe from inner and outer harm’—and I thought, yes, that’s it. I have always thought that it was the world out there that makes me busy: my job, my family—the whole thing. But what I was hearing now was: Ah, yes, but this is me too—I’m harming myself. I think that I need to be busy; this is a really old pattern for me. And here it was, coming up, in reaction to the ‘wishing myself well’ in this practice. I thought, hmm … I wonder what I’m going to discover?”
Cara certainly felt that she was running to keep up with her life, but in the midst of her loving-kindness meditation, she had a deep sense of not only the suffering that this brought about, but the way in which she was contributing to it. Interestingly, in the context of her mindfulness, there was no self-blame, just a quiet knowing of how things were. Later, she was able to say that, as part of her ongoing practice, she had written five questions to ponder:
How can I nourish myself?
How can I slow down in the midst of my rushing?
How can I stand back?
How can I make choices?
How can I be kind to myself?
Gradually, Cara learned that friendship is the quiet voice inside. It all too easily gets drowned out by the louder voices of fear and guilt. Fear of failure had, for her, tried to “protect” her from love. It told her she’d lose out by being kind-hearted. It warned her that if she was not constantly vigilant, she’d be ripped off, double-crossed and resoundingly used and abused by those around her. It had persuaded her, instead, to be angry with the world. It reminded her constantly that “you are indispensable, so you need to keep going whatever the cost” and that “nobody understands the situation like you do” and “nobody cares.”
By the time Cara came to a mindfulness course, she had begun to feel ashamed about all of the powerful reactions that fear had dredged up. It was in the Befriending meditation—coming after all the other practices that had gradually allowed her to see her mind and body with greater kindness—that she was so forcibly struck by what she had been doing to herself.
Further, Cara realized that she was also compounding her suffering, not only by saying, “I must be busy,” but also by repeating to herself, “Things used to be different. This is so relentless. Nothing will ever be the same again.” She saw how much these and other thoughts were driving wedges between her and the world. They had progressively separated her from her family, friends and colleagues. Her life really had begun to resemble the one in her darkest fears—one that was founded on cynicism and bitterness. She had become very lonely inside, separate from everyone who did not conform to her standards—even herself. Cara realized that she was saying these things to herself even when she was lying in bed at night or walking the dog. Now, at last, something new happened: she saw that at the moment when she was lying in her bed, she was actually in bed, not at work—and that “this is relentless” was actually a (very adhesive) thought she could let go of, regardless of whatever else it might pretend to be!
Jesse agreed: “Yes—you chide yourself for being angry, selfish and cynical. On top of all this, another layer of guilt is imposed on you by society. It’s all-pervading and supremely powerful.”
Jesse’s experience had been a feeling of being “put upon” by everyone since his school days. “It comes down from the Church, the state, our schools and our bosses. They always told me that I was no good—’flawed goods,’ one teacher told me—and they make us all strive ever harder, even though we all know perfection is impossible. They teach us to feel guilty for not working hard enough.”
Cara recognized these pressures too. She said, “Later, if we have children, we are blamed for not looking after the kids and juggling a career.”
By doing the Befriending meditation, both Cara and Jesse recognized that no one had ever taught them to treat themselves kindly. Virtually every facet of their lives was hemmed in by rules and regulations to such a degree that even breathing seemed like a subversive act.
The antidote to all this fear and guilt was, for them, to take a step back and listen to the quiet voice of the heart. They were discovering what countless numbers of people have discovered over the centuries: that if we are to find true peace, we have to listen to the quiet voice of compassion and ignore the bellowing ones of fear and guilt and shame. Meditation can help us to do this, but we have to imbue it with kindness, otherwise we run the risk of finding temporary respite, but not the true peace that lies beyond the ups and downs of daily life. We end up dampening down the noise, but remain deaf to a better, more wholesome way of living. Many studies have now shown this to be true. Kindness transforms things: the “aversion” pathways in the mind are switched off and the “approach” ones switched on instead. This change in attitude enhances openness, creativity and happiness, while at the same time dissolving the fears, guilts, anxieties and stresses that lead to exhaustion and chronic discontent.
Rebecca’s experience was similar: “I’m training to be a counselor. I started a few months ago. Actually I did a bit of counseling a few years ago before the children were born. When I did the meditation, I remembered one of my clients who had not done very well—he’d needed to be hospitalized, and I blamed myself, even though no one else thought it was my fault. It brought up all the old fears I used to have about things being my responsibility if anything went wrong at all.
“As I sat, I felt very vulnerable—but also a sense of empathy and kindness for myself that I’d never had before. I think that I had reacted to my vulnerability by trying to be strong, as if retraining now would make me less likely to get hurt. The meditation reminded me that if I ever stopped being vulnerable to being hurt, I’d stop being the sort of counselor that I believe is most helpful to those who seek help.”
Kindness in practice
Kindness arises through empathy—a deep, shared understanding of another person’s predicament. Brain research shows that the part of the brain that is activated when we are feeling genuine empathy for another is the same part that we saw being activated by mindfulness meditation:
a part called the insula11 (see p. 49).
Although we often talk about having empathy for others, it’s equally important to be open to receiving it ourselves. We often have very little empathy for our own thoughts and feelings and frequently try to suppress them by dismissing them as weaknesses. Or we might try indulging our emotions with treats (mostly accompanied by a slightly bitter feeling of entitlement), such as overeating (because we feel we deserve it). But it may be helpful to imagine that our deepest thoughts and feelings don’t want indulging (or dismissing). They just want to be heard and understood. They just want us to empathize with the feelings that are giving rise to them. We could try seeing them as we might relate to a baby that is crying inconsolably. Sometimes, once we have done everything we can, the only thing left to do is cradle the baby in our arms, with warmth and compassion—just to be there. We don’t have to do anything more than just be there.
Some people think that it’s a little selfish to start by focusing on themselves during the meditation rather than trying to cultivate kindness for others, but this is to misunderstand the long-term intentions of the practice. By spending a little time cultivating friendship toward yourself, you are gradually dissolving the negative forces of fear and guilt within. This reduces your adhesive preoccupation with your own mental landscape, which, in turn, releases a wellspring of happiness, compassion and creativity that benefits everyone. A good way of looking at this is to see kindness as a crystal-clear pool fed by a small spring. You can try and conserve the pool by rationing the water, giving each person you meet a small thimbleful as they pass by. Alternatively, you can unblock the spring that feeds the pool, ensuring that it’s continuously replenished and provides ample sustenance for all. Meditation unblocks the spring.
The Befriending meditation may become part of daily life as much as any other practice you’ve learned so far. See if you can, as much as you are able to, infuse your life with empathy for others. This may not be easy. Many people can genuinely appear selfish, unkind and ice cold, but this may often be a reflection of their own busyness and lack of awareness of the effect they have on others. If you bring kindness to bear toward such people, you’ll soon realize that they are, to a greater or lesser extent, just like us all: stumbling through life trying to find happiness and meaning. See if it is possible to feel their predicament.
Although in the early stages, the Befriending meditation might seem a little difficult, remember that it has already begun its work. Brain-imaging research has shown that within a few minutes of beginning the meditation, the parts of the brain governing the “approach” qualities of kindness and empathy begin to fire.12
Extending the Breathing Space to negative thoughts
In Chapter Eight we said that there were four options open to you after completing the Breathing Space. The first is to carry on with what you were doing before you began the meditation, but with enhanced awareness. The second option is to consciously “drop into” your body to help you deal more skillfully with difficulties. This week we’ll explore a third possibility; relating differently to your thoughts. Earlier in this chapter we explained how your thoughts can trap you by shouting their bad advice, often based on memories that are overgeneral, so that you often only get a biased summary of events that have happened to you. Now, when you have finished taking a Breathing Space, spend a few moments noting your thoughts and feelings. See if you can relate differently to your thoughts.13 You might:
write down your thoughts
watch the thoughts come and go
view your thoughts as thoughts, not as objective reality
name your thought patterns, such as “morbid thoughts,” “worrying thoughts” or “anxious thoughts,” or simply just “thinking, thinking”
ask yourself whether you’re overtired, jumping to conclusions, overgeneralizing, exaggerating the significance of the situation or unreasonably expecting perfection
Habit Releaser
Choose one of the Habit Releasers shown below and try to carry it out at least once this week. If you prefer, you can do both.
1. Reclaiming your life14
Think back to a time in your life when things seemed less frantic, before the time when some tragedy or increase in workload took over your daily existence. Recall in as much detail as you can some of the activities that you used to do at that time. These may be things you did by yourself (reading your favorite magazines or taking time to listen to a track from a favorite piece of music, going out for walks or bike rides) or together with friends or family (from playing board games to going to the theater).
Choose one of these activities and plan to do it this week. It may take five minutes or five hours, it might be important or trivial, it might involve others or it could be by yourself. It is only important that it should be something that puts you back in touch with a part of your life that you had forgotten—a part of you that you may have been telling yourself was lost somehow, that you could not get back to. Don’t wait until you feel like doing it; do it anyway and see what happens. It’s time to reclaim your life.
2. Do a good-natured deed for someone else
Why not carry out a random act of kindness? It needn’t be something big. You could help a colleague tidy their desk, assist a neighbor in carrying their shopping or do something for your partner that you know they hate doing themselves. If you’ve finished a good book or a newspaper, why not leave it on a bus seat?15 Why not get rid of a few possessions that you no longer need and that have been cluttering up your home? Instead of throwing them away or recycling them, try Freecycling them. (Freecycling is an international movement that allows you to get rid of your old stuff by giving it away to people who need it and are willing to collect it. This includes small items like old computer cables, half-used bags of plaster or even fully functioning TVs or DVD players. Have a look at: www.freecycle.org.)
There are numerous other ways of helping others too. Think about your friends, family and colleagues. How can you make their lives a little bit better? Perhaps a colleague is hard pressed on a particular job and you could cheer them up by leaving a little treat on their desk first thing in the morning. A bunch of flowers could transform their entire day. You don’t always have to tell them you’re the one who did it—just do it for the sake of it, with warmth and understanding. If an elderly person near you lives alone, why not give them your phone number in case of emergency? There’s no need to tell anyone else about it. Give for the sake of giving and imbue it with warmth and empathy. If you see someone needing help today, why not give them a hand? Once again, you don’t need to wait until you feel like doing it—see the action as a meditation in itself, an opportunity for learning and exploring your reactions and responses. See how it affects your body. Make a mental note of how you feel.
The genius and wisdom of Einstein
This chapter has been about cultivating friendliness and kindness toward yourself and others. Even as you are reading, you may notice some resistance to these ideas. You may become aware of a rumor at the back of the mind. The rumor says that if you ever let go of striving, or became more compassionate and accepting, you’d lose your “edge” and become too soft for your own good.
Albert Einstein, along with countless scientists and philosophers throughout the ages, always emphasized the importance of kindness, compassion and curiosity in daily life. Although Einstein viewed such qualities as good in themselves, he also knew that they led to clearer thinking and a better, more productive way of living and working. He did not fall into the trap of thinking that being harsh on yourself and others leads to success. Einstein knew that this view arose because we all tend to misattribute success to the harsh, driving voices in our heads, rather than to the quieter, more reasonable ones. He wrote:
A human being is a part of the whole called by us the universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This d
elusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is itself a part of the liberation, and a foundation for inner security.16
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Mindfulness Week Seven: When Did You Stop Dancing?
Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World Page 19