by Nicole Thorn
Had to. Had to. Had to.
Kill. Maim. Slaughter. Everyone who could turn into a monster. Everyone who had been a monster. None of them were trustworthy. None of them, only children had potential to get away free. Only children were pure.
The power looped back into me again, sending another wave of images through my head.
The Furies were cycling out again. If the images were anything to go by, they were cycling out and it was hurting them. Hurting them, so they had to hurt everyone else. They wanted death almost as much as they didn’t want death. Death meant they wouldn’t be the same anymore, but they hated themselves. The trauma of life destroyed them, but it made them real. They wanted to continue being real.
Something grabbed my wrist. I heard my sisters cry out in surprise and wondered if I did the same thing. If so, not for long, because whoever grabbed my wrist did so at the perfectly wrong time.
I sank through another vision.
She was sitting in her room. A book in front of her. She liked to read when Zander wasn’t around, like he wasn’t right now. Books don’t hurt, just like plants don’t hurt. But she couldn’t go out and plant anything, because if someone saw, then she would be in trouble. No one could know what she could do. What her mother’s blood allowed her to do.
So she read and wondered what Zander was doing. Wondered if he was all right. She wanted at least one of them to be all right, because she was anything but. Even now, her stomach hurt from worry and her fingers were clenching the book so hard that she could barely feel them anymore.
Zander would be furious when he learned, she knew. He would be so mad that no amount of apologizing would make it go away. Not at her, oh, she hoped he wouldn’t be mad at her. If he was, that was something she’d have to deal with, because he was happy right now. She wanted him to be happy. He deserved it.
Now her stomach hurt even more. She slammed the book closed and tossed it aside. It landed softly on the bed. She looked out the window, staring at the backyard. It was so empty. She wanted to fill it with every piece of beauty that she could find. She wanted to put every flower in her head out there, because it shouldn’t be empty. It shouldn’t be like her. Filled with so much and yet nothing at all.
Grass was boring. Toys were meant for someone younger. She just wanted to bring life to the sad little yard and the sad little yard wanted her to bring life to it, as well.
Maybe just…
The door behind her opened. Now she was empty again. Empty was safe. If she was empty, she wouldn’t fill the backyard with poison that would harm them. She wouldn’t hurt them, like she had dreamed of doing. The dreams scared her, because she didn’t understand why they were so vivid, or why she woke up with her heart pounding.
Nope. Empty was safer, because empty meant it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter what they thought of her. It didn’t matter that she was lying to Zander. It didn’t matter that she missed him so much there was just this black hole where her heart once was. It didn’t matter that she was so alone, even when surrounded by people. Especially when she was surrounded by people. The pain, the anger, the confusion, the sadness, all of that didn’t matter when she was empty, so she left the backyard alone. She left everything alone and pulled the plug on everything she was.
Everything she used to be and everything she liked. She couldn’t like something and still be empty. She couldn’t be something and still be empty. The one thing she allowed to remain in her heart, in her empty chest, was Zander. He didn’t deserve to lose her love just because she didn’t deserve to love him. He would understand if he were there.
If he were there, he would also be furious and the very house would tremble in fear.
Gods, why did she want that?
Arms came around her from behind, crossing over her stomach and pulling her back. She felt the softness of the body behind her and she wanted to throw up. If she did, would she go away?
Delicate hands crossed over her hips, grabbing on and warm lips hit her jaw. Her stomach hurt more than ever. She wanted to curl up, but didn’t think that would help her. She wanted to scream, but knew that wouldn’t help her.
A low feminine voice spoke in her ear, “Hello, Kizzy.”
I came to, still on the floor. My head was killing me. It felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to the back of my skull. I looked at my sisters. They were still out, but they were stirring. We couldn’t have been unconscious for long, or the demigods probably would have moved us at least to the couch and chairs.
“Jasper?” Kezia asked, rushing over. There was something in her hands. My vision was blurry, so it took me a few seconds to long to realize it was a washcloth. She dropped to her knees and dumped it on my forehead. Normally, I would have removed it immediately, but she had run some cool water over it and that made me feel better.
I slumped back to the floor. My vision—the one after the Furies—came back to me. Every detail. I swallowed hard. She couldn’t have been very old at the time. At most fourteen, but I had a sinking feeling that she had been younger and just looked mature for her age.
Just as quickly as I remembered it, I shoved it aside. There’s a reason my sisters and I stopped doing this. The second the demigods broke our contact, the visions had changed, focusing on the two of them, since they touched us. Juniper might be out for a little while longer, since Kezia and Zander both touched her, but Jasmine should wake up soon and be able to tell Zander something about his future.
“Are you okay?” Kezia asked, pulling on my arm. I lifted one corner of the washcloth and looked at her face. She was so worried and her eyes were the size of saucers. Guess she didn’t like the show.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Just give me a minute and maybe tell me what happened?” I asked.
“Don’t ever do that again,” she said, instead of explaining what happened.
“Huh?” I asked, looking at her once more. Some water from the cloth got in my eye, but I didn’t mind so much. Kezia did, she pushed it down, so that the cloth was flush against my forehead. Zander came into the room then, with two more wash cloths that he draped over my sister’s foreheads, similar to the way mine was.
“As fun as that was,” he said, “I’d rather never do this again.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“You and Jasmine were practically having seizures,” Kezia said, her voice very quiet. “Juniper just kept talking, faster and faster, telling us about what the Furies were doing and she wasn’t taking any more air in, so she was turning blue, but she just kept talking.”
The fear in her voice was obvious. She had been worried for us. Frightened. So she and Zander had broken our connection. Which sent the three of us into unconsciousness. That was likely to have happened anyway, due to the nature of our visions, but this way, we woke up with headaches. I chose not to tell them that, because I didn’t want Kezia to feel bad.
“And I couldn’t sense what you three were feeling,” Zander said. There was a raspy note to his voice and that betrayed his own worry and fear. “So, yeah, we aren’t doing that. Ever again.”
I sighed and laid back. Waiting for my body to come back online. Something told me they wouldn’t react well if they knew that was how these things typically went. Yeah… Something told me they would do something rash if they learned that.
14: Misery Comes Crawling
Kezia
Jasper scared the hell out of me. I worried for all of them, but it was him that made my heart stop beating. He was pretending to be fine. I wasn’t even sure if he knew he wasn’t fine. I decided it was my job to take care of him, so I did. I wasn’t sure why it was my job, but I wanted to do it.
I got Jasper on the couch and he was just sitting there. All upset without knowing it.
“Food. I’ll make you food,” I decided. The others were in the kitchen while Zander was taking care of them.
They seemed more willing to move. I went to leave and Jasper caught my hand. He held it and I didn’t even want to rip i
t away. “Kezia,” he said softly. “I’m not hungry. Can you just sit with me?”
I did. Immediately.
When I was staring too long, he spoke again. “Really, I’m okay.”
“You’re a liar. You are not okay and I am not okay because you’re not okay and I saw you at the worst of your not okay-ness and it was awful. So I’m going to make sure you’re really okay, okay?”
He blinked at me. “I don’t really know what I’m agreeing to, but okay.”
I pulled him to me and I put my hand over his heart. It felt too steady for what he just dealt with. Like he was so good at lying to himself that his body believed it. Do fucked up people just find each other, or was this the work of the gods?
My hand was on his skin and he was warm. Very warm. Proof that he was not okay at all. I put my hand on his forehead. “Does your head hurt? And remember that if you lie, I will turn you into a tree.”
He sighed. “It hurts a little.”
I knew what to do. I sat him up and stood across from him. “Stay here, I’m going to make you something and you’re going to drink it. Do you understand?”
He smiled. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Good boy.”
I walked into the kitchen and started gathering things up, not speaking to anyone there. They were having a conversation I wasn’t paying attention to at all. I just mixed up something I used to make for myself. I grew the plants myself and figured out a way to make it taste good. It helped soothe headaches and sleep. I cut back on the sleeping part after I woke up a few times in less clothes than I fell asleep in. I shook the memories away and took the mug back out to Jasper.
“Come on,” I said as I took his hand and got him on his feet. I walked him up to his bedroom. Once we were in, I closed the door. I got Jasper on his bed and handed him the mug. “Drink it all.”
He started sipping and I took his shoes off so he’d be more comfortable. “Kezia.” He smiled again.
I pointed at him. “Hush, you. You’re a sweetheart, but you’re a little dumb. No offense.”
“Of course not.”
“You’re only human and if you push yourself, you can do damage. So you’re going to let me be overbearing and annoying so I can take care of you properly. Fight all you want, but I will always win. I’m going to make sure you eat and sleep. You may not care much about yourself, but I care about you. Lots.”
My face burned at the truths, but I didn’t take them back. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, but lying to him will never be one.
He sipped his drink. “Thank you.”
His shoes were off and I stood straight. “You should sleep now.”
Jasper finished the drink and set his mug down on the floor. “Will you stay in here with me until I fall asleep? It might take a while.”
“Sure.”
There was a silence before he said, “You can sit with me.”
In bed. With him. I really wanted to, but I was scared to make my feet move. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. He wasn’t capable of cruelty. So I forced myself to move. I sat right next to him. In a bed. Alone. I felt safe.
Jasper’s eyes were already getting heavy. “What did you give me?”
“A magic potion. Plants can heal. I happen to know the combo to a great painkiller. One of my few skills.”
Jasper laid on his side and faced me. He seemed like he was fighting to keep his eyes open.
I ran my fingers through his hair. “When’s the last time you slept?”
He blinked slowly. “I don’t know.”
“Why don’t you take care of yourself, Jasper? You terrify me.”
He shut his eyes. “I don’t mean to. I just… I don’t know…”
He was almost gone and I was glad I slipped in that sleep stuff. He probably needed a day long nap. Then he moved. His head rested on my lap and his hand found mine. I had no way of knowing if he was still awake without risking actually waking him. So I needed to be brave.
I said it in my head a hundred times. This is Jasper touching me. He was nice and he was safe. I was safe with him. This is Jasper. This is Jasper. No one but him. Him and me alone in his room. And he would never hurt me.
I relaxed as I repeated my mantra dozens of more times. I could see that it was him and no one else. He was different. He smelled like Jasper, felt like Jasper. It was okay. I was okay.
My fingers kept brushing his hair so that even if I wasn’t looking at him, I could feel who was touching me. It wasn’t so bad, actually. He was smiling on and off in his sleep and squeezing my hand.
He mumbled just a little and I couldn’t understand what he was saying. I like it. This. With him. I liked when he touched me and I touched him. It was comfortable and I wasn’t scared. What I was scared of was him finding out why I was so messed up. I didn’t want him to get scared off. To stop letting me touch him. Hold his hand when it came up. I didn’t want him to treat me like glass, but I knew if he didn’t, there was a very good chance I would shatter. How could I be this broken and still feel like there was more of me to break?
There was a light tap on the door and I heard Zander. “Jasper, you and Kizzy in there?”
I whispered for him to come in.
When the door opened, there was this look on Zander’s face that I’d never seen before. It was so many things. Happiness, relief, curiosity, hope. He wasn’t one to hide an emotion.
He smiled so brightly that it could break a heart. “Just taking a nap, honey?”
I kept touching Jasper’s hair. “He needed to sleep.”
“Yeah, the girls are resting up too. Are you, are you all right?”
He knew. He was in tune with emotions so perfectly that he could put a name to it all without breaking stride. But I answered anyway. “Yes. He’s very warm.” I smiled down at the human on my lap.
“This is great, sweetie, but maybe you should take a walk with me. Too much at once might be dangerous. Don’t wanna have another panic attack.”
Then I was angry at my brother. He wanted to take me away from this. He never had any malicious intent with me, but I was still irrationally mad. I felt safe here and now I had to leave. Zander knew best, so I had to do as he said.
I forced myself out from under Jasper and he fussed just a bit in his sleep. His smile was a frown when I got my hand out of his and he laid on his back. Then he huffed and switched to his other side.
When I got off of the bed, I moved over to Jasper again. I touched his forehead and he felt cooler than before. I pulled the blanket up over him. “Pleasant dreams, sweetheart.”
Zander and I got downstairs and he noticed my mood in an instant. “You know it needed to happen, right?”
I glared. “Yes.”
“Honey.” He held my arms. “I’m really happy that you’re doing better. I just want you to ease into it carefully.”
I relaxed. “I know. But it doesn’t feel as bad, when I’m with him.”
Zander hugged me with one arm. “That’s really great. I’m just a little scared that something is gonna happen and it’ll be too much for you. I don’t want you taking steps backwards.”
He was right to worry. I’ve fallen more times than I could count. He’s picked me up off of the ground when the tiniest thing sent me into a tailspin. It was so much worse, right after. I didn’t know how I was supposed to deal with it. I did my best at the time. There were a lot of tears. A lot of nights where I was too scared to go to sleep.
I could still see it when I closed my eyes. I could remember the specific creep of my bedroom door in that house. The horrible alarm, warning me that it was about to happen. That I needed to try and be brave. Be something other than what I was. And I would hear the door close again. Feel the shift in my bed when I wasn’t alone in the dark anymore. Cold hands on me.
“Kizzy.” Zander held me tighter when he saw something on my face. They were gone and I should feel safe. But I only felt safe when Zander was holding me. Or at least, that used to be the case. I was safe w
ith Jasper. I just wasn’t sure it would last.
“I really don’t know what to do here,” he admitted. “I want to protect you from the whole world. If I keep doing that, you might never heal right. I should be a good brother and let you learn on your own. I just don’t know if I can.”
“I don’t deserve to heal, Zander.”
He held my face in his hands. “I wish you’d believe me when I said it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t make her do what she did. It’s not your fault for what her husband did after. They were fucked up people and they took it out on you.”
I stared up at him. “But it had to be my fault. Why would she do what she did if she didn’t think I wanted it too?”
I watched his soul break in half. “You didn’t want it. You couldn’t have stopped it. You were twelve. You’re the only one who’s not to blame.”
“I should have tried to stop her. Told her no more. Or fought harder.” I knew why I didn’t. I had to be careful always, because it was so easy to hurt someone. If I tried fighting her more, I could have killed her. I didn’t want to kill anyone, I just wanted her to stop touching me.
“They’re dead now,” Zander reminded me. “You need to stop putting this all on you. You realize you’re the victim here, right? You didn’t deserve all the times you were nearly beaten to death, or all the times that bitch crawled into your bed. You in no way earned this.”
I just rested my head on his chest. I never believed him. This conversation wouldn’t change anything. It had to be my fault. It just had to.
I was so young when it started. I didn’t really understand that it was wrong, what she was doing. That it wasn’t normal. She started with little things and I stupidly thought it was just affection. Her trying to be a mother. If only I knew better, then. If only my real mother helped me.
The front door rapped and I tensed. Zander rubbed my back before leaving to answer it.
And my day got worse.
Celeste was on the other side. A loose tank top and no bra. Her fucking porkpie hat was tilted on her head and she was wearing sunglasses on an overcast day. I could smell her desperation from where I was standing. It was like magic, how my sadness melted right into rage at the sight of her. A tight skirt wrapped up her whole look. I think she was going for low priced hooker. She nailed it.