"I can remember the pain. It was like when you get a paper cut and it stings so bad, only this cut was right through my heart. I felt all the blood leaking out. My head was suddenly very light and my legs felt wobbly, but I didn't faint. I remember that I nodded and left the office.
"When I stepped into the hallway, I remember I looked down toward my homeroom, but I found myself outside the school. I ran a lot. Eventually, I got on the right bus. Don't ask me how I knew where I was going at that point. I guess something takes over inside you, some second-self that works you like a robot.
"The next thing I remember I was standing in front of the hospital. I didn't think at all about being in trouble for running out of the school or about what it was going to do to Granny. I guess what I thought was if I could just speak to Steve, maybe hold his hand, he would be all right again and our future together could still happen.
"That's what gave me the strength to go into the hospital and ask for him at the information desk. They said he was in something called intensive care and only immediate family could visit. I said that was fine. I was his sister. No one challenged me so I followed directions and went to the elevator.
"When I opened the door to intensive care, I was greeted immediately by a nurse. Once again, I said I was Steve's sister. She looked like she didn't believe me, but something in my eyes must have told her that if she didn't show me to him, I would be trouble.
"'He's still not responding,' was all she would say. She brought me to his bed and told me I could stay about ten minutes.
"His head was bandaged and there was another big bruise on his face, just on the left side of his jaw. His eyes were closed so tight the lids looked glued shut. They had all sorts of stuff flowing into his arm.
"I worked my fingers around his anyway and I began to talk to him.
"'I'm here, Steve,' I said. 'It's me, Star. I knew something was wrong when you didn't show up. I knew you wouldn't let me down. Please get better, Steve. Please,' I pleaded.
"They said I was crying very hard and that was why the nurse came over and made me leave. The way it worked was I could return in an hour, actually every hour on the hour for ten minutes or so. Some nurses let me stay longer than others. I talked to him more the second and third times. One time I just held his hand.
"No one else came to see him of course. His daddy was still in jail and probably wouldn't have come. Debbie certainly wouldn't come.
"I didn't eat- any lunch and I never thought about Rodney until it was too late. I found out later that he waited for me and then gave up and found his way to Granny's all right. He was crying when he arrived and Granny went frantic and called the police. By then the school had called anyway and I guess Mr. VanVleet came up with the thought that I had gone to the hospital to see about Steve.
"Late in the afternoon, before the police came to the hospital to look for me, something happened in Steve's head. Some kind of a blood clot. I don't know all the fancy medical details but his heart stopped and they went into an emergency procedure just as I walked in again. I saw them all around his bed working on him. No one seemed to notice I was standing there. I saw and heard them give up.
"I only have very sketchy memories after that: a policeman talking to me, walking toward the front entrance of the hospital, running, being in the street, being in some alley someplace, wandering through a lot full of garbage and broken-down cars, some old man smiling at me, his mouth toothless, grimy hair on his face and chin, standing by a heavily-traveled street and then . ."
I looked at Doctor Marlowe.
"Then they said I tried to kill myself by walking out on the street and just standing in the way of traffic. Car horns were blaring all around me, people were shouting, one car hit its brakes too fast and another crashed into the rear of it. Glass was shattering. There was so much noise, I put my hands over my ears and pressed them so hard, they actually carried me off the street and put me into the back of the police car with my hands still pushing on my head.
"I ended up in a hospital, too. Suddenly, I blinked and found myself looking up at a strange doctor who smiled at me and told me to try to stay calm. I went in and out of sleep. Granny told me I was there nearly two days before I was alert enough to know where I was and who she was.
"Naturally, I was very frightened. Later, I found out about all the trouble I had caused, especially the car accidents. Someone had gotten hurt. Granny was so upset, I was afraid she would have another heart attack, but I felt so weak and tired, I just slept a lot.
"They put me in psychological therapy in the hospital and then I was released and Granny had to bring me to court where a judge put me on some kind of probation connected with seeing Doctor Marlowe.
"That's how I got here. Remember, we were kind of answering that question?"
The others all nodded simultaneously as if their heads were somehow connected by wires.
I sat back.
"Just recently, I found out where Steve is buried, but I haven't been able to go to the grave. Granny isn't too happy about the idea. She's afraid it might cause me to do something stupid like step out on a busy highway again. Doctor Marlowe is supposed to help me deal with all that, right, Doctor Marlowe?" I asked, not hiding my fury.
"I'll try my best, but you have to be the one who ultimately helps yourself, Star. You all have to make that commitment, to want to do it," she said.
"That's convenient," Jade said. "If we get cured, you're a hero. If we don't, it's our fault for not caring enough about ourselves."
"Would you rather I pretended to have all the answers and some miracle in my back pocket?" Doctor Marlowe asked her. Jade just stared. "I would have thought all of you were tired of hearing false promises:'
"What am I supposed to do, forget what happened?" I fired back.
'We all thought Jade was saying something stupid at lunch when she wished we all had
Alzheimer's disease like your mother,' Misty said. "Maybe that wasn't so stupid. Maybe all this is stupid."
"I hate my memories," Cat suddenly added. "I don't want you to make me remember them," she said to Doctor Marlowe with more anger and aggression than any of us had seen in her so far.
For a moment I felt like we were all ganging up on Doctor Marlowe. If she felt it, she didn't mind it. She looked like she almost welcomed it.
"You're all going to do this," she said slowly, "look for people to resent, targets for your anger. Your anger's justifiable, understandable, but if you let it run your lives, it will ruin them What I want is for all of you to first admit to your anger, deal with what's caused it, and then use it, make it work for you. In short, free you from it."
"Right:' Jade said and looked away.
"Did you want to tell us any more today, Star?" Doctor Marlowe asked.
"I don't think so:' I said.
"What about your mother?" Misty asked, suddenly remembering her.
"Oh yes, Momma. She called while I was in therapy at the hospital. She was in North Carolina and now she was with Aaron's cousin instead of Aaron. Granny told her what had happened and she was disgusted and told Granny that she couldn't handle a problem like me just yet. She had intended to send for me and Rodney, if you can believe that, but once she heard about the trouble, she thought it would be better if we stayed where we were until she was better established.
"What were you saying about promises, Doctor Marlowe?"
"Exactly, Star. You know which to take seriously and which not to at least," she said.
"That's not hard, Doctor Marlowe. Any promises my Momma makes I throw in the garbage. Anybody else, I just don't believe."
Misty laughed.
Cat nodded and Jade looked up at the ceiling, took a deep breath and announced she was sufficiently depressed for the day.
"I hope you'll get more from this than that," Doctor Marlowe said.
Jade looked at me.
"I did," she admitted. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to belittle your story."
"I'm not worr
ied about it," I said.
"I know you're not:' Jade fired back.
We stared at each other for a moment and then Doctor Marlowe stood up and we all followed her out.
"All right, girls. Thank you again. Jade, tomorrow?"
"I wouldn't want to miss it for anything," Jade said dryly. "The chance to be another Star."
She looked at me and laughed and I laughed too. Sometimes, it just felt better to laugh.
We stepped out.
Misty's mother had a cab for her this time.
"Daddy's got another bill to pay," she announced.
Jade's limousine was right behind it. Across from it Cat's mother waited and watched us like some bird, not looking directly, but nevertheless we could see she was aware of every step we took.
Granny pulled up last.
"What's your grandmother's name?" Jade asked. "You've only referred to her as Granny?'
"Betty," I said. "Betty Anthony."
Jade sauntered over to the car as she walked toward her limousine.
"Hello, Mrs. Anthony," she said. "I'm Jade."
Granny smiled and said hello.
"Hi," Misty said hurrying toward the taxicab. "I'm Misty."
"Hi," Granny called back with a laugh.
Cat moved slowly toward her mother's car and paused to nod at Granny.
"I'm Cathy," she said but lowered her head and moved quickly away before Granny could respond.
I got into the car.
"That girl's plenty shy," she said referring to Cathy.
"Yes," I said. We watched her mother pull away first. She looked upset.
"Well," Granny said. "They seem like nice girls for spoiled rich girls."
"They're not all spoiled. Well, maybe they are. I don't know," I said. "Maybe it's not bad to be spoiled," I muttered.
"You all right, child?"
"Yes, Granny."
I looked back as we drove out. What a funny caravan we made, I thought.
"So you did fine?" Granny asked.
"I don't know, Granny. I did what Doctor Marlowe wanted me to do."
`Well, that's good, isn't it, child?"
"I don't know," I insisted.
Granny looked disappointed. I was tired of disappointing her.
"Yes," I said. "It's very good. Granny?"
"What is it, Star?"
"Tomorrow, after breakfast, would you take me to the cemetery where Steve is buried?"
She looked at me, her eyes filling quickly with fear. "It'll be all right, Granny. I promise. I just want to say good-bye, Granny. I never said good-bye. And it's time." Granny nodded.
"Okay," she said. "If you think it's time, then it's time
"Thank you, Granny. Granny?"
"Yes, child."
"I love you."
She smiled. "And I love you, child."
It can't all be bad then, I thought.
Can it?
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