by Amanda Adair
But after three hours of waiting I receive a message from Mom. She’s asking if she should pick us up. I tell her we’ll wait here. But as soon as her father appears in the hallway I know we won’t be able to see Finna. We’ve spent the last three hours reading, listening to podcasts and audio books. We didn’t want to talk, and we didn’t know what to talk about. We’re just worried, so we didn’t have the energy to talk about trivia. I finally finished one of my favorite audio books by Stephen King. The Stand. It’s a fort-five hours long. It’s insane.
“Thanks girls,” he says as soon as he stops in front of us, “for coming here so quickly. But I think you should go home.”
He looks exhausted and nervous at the same time. Something must be really wrong. He has some huge sweat stains on his jacket. He’s wearing a suit like he always does.
“Okay,” Cris says, “can we do anything for you?”
“No,” he says. “It’s okay.”
“Sure?,” I ask because he looks so tired and sad. I know we can’t do anything, and I don’t want to annoy him, but I want to help.
He tries to smile but it looks like he has a muscle strain in his face. Then he turns around and walks back to where he came from. Without saying anything I text my parents to pick up me and Sofia, and Cris and Sage go back to their car that’s parked outside the hospital.
It wasn’t until the next day that we found out how bad Finna’s injuries really are. Apparently she drove to the town center because we asked her to join us at Watson’s. Because I asked her to. But then her car broke down, she got out and tried to find the crossbuck in the trunk. The driver of the other car, a van, didn’t see her and couldn’t stop, so he hit her. The driver was drunk. In the middle of the day.
We didn’t do anything on Sunday. I guess we all sat at home doing nothing. It’s difficult enough for me to lose Remi and now I guess we’re losing Finna. We haven’t heard from her or her parents since the accident. On Monday we all drive to school separately. Sofia and I sit in my Audi and listen to Billie Eilish when she suddenly turns the radio off.
“Isn’t it a bad sign that we haven’t heard from Finna,” she says.
At least we know she’s still alive. But I’m concerned, too. If she could, she would text us. Does it mean she’s still in surgery? Asleep? I don’t want to think about it.
“It is,” I agree, “but maybe she was sick before, so maybe she just doesn’t want to talk to us.”
“We should text her,” she says.
I roll my eyes. “We already did. Like twenty times.”
“Visit her at the hospital?,” she suggests.
“And then?,” I say. “Her parents told us to go. They’ll let us know when it’s a good time to visit her again. We shouldn’t get on their nerves.”
I can see Sage’s Mini Countryman and the car of Cris’ dad in the parking lot. But Sage and Cris aren’t outside. Normally, I’d expect them to wait for us since I’ve texted them we’re halfway there. Because of Tansy our clique is falling apart. I’m glad I have Sofia.
For the first time in many years we can’t even sit together.
When we enter the classroom Sage and Cris sit next to each other, but the seats nearby are already occupied. Sofia and I sit down in the front row. There’s an empty table next to ours, so I wave at Sage and Cris and point at the table. Instead, they look away and Sage texts me. Front row… nah, her message says. Though I understand them, it’s unusual that we’re sitting apart.
At lunch we’re finally sitting at a table together again. It’s pizza day, so at the cafeteria they’re serving three different kind of pizzas today. One is vegan with lots of veggies. One is vegetarian with extra cheese. And one is a ham and cheese pizza. Most of us go for the vegan or vegetarian option, only Cris grabs a few pieces of the pizza with meat.
Before I take a bite I look for Tansy. I don’t want her to sit with us. We’re four and most tables are made for six students. I can spot her at a table on the other side of the cafeteria. She’s sitting with a bunch of other seniors including the new guy, Blaize, and Trisha. Now that I know she’s responsible for Remi’s death and Finna’s accident, shouldn’t I warn those guys about her? Am I responsible, too, in case they’re getting hurt or killed?
As soon as we finish eating our phones start buzzing and ringing. It’s like they’re preforming a concert.
We all look at our phones. It’s a message from Finna.
chapter 13
It breaks my heart to see her like that. Finna sits in her plain white hospital bed in a room she has all to herself, mainly because she will have to stay here for a very long time. She looks pale and has dark spots in her face as well as a scar on her chin. What’s left of her legs is hidden underneath the fluffy white blanket.
“Take a look,” she says. Her voice is clinical, almost dead.
She removes her blanket and reveals her lower body. I have to pull myself so that I don’t look too shocked. The last thing I want to do is make her feel more miserable than she already dies. She doesn’t need any more drama right now. Her knees are wrapped in white bandages. And that’s where her legs end. With her knees. No calves and no feet.
None of us knows what to say.
Cris sits down next to her when Finna pulls the blanket over her legs again. She puts a hand onto Finna’s. I know we all believe it’s because of Tansy. Remi’s death may be related to her stories but Finna’s accident definitely is. The silence is unbearable. None of us says anything. Suddenly Finna starts crying and whining.
“I don’t know what to do,” she says. I can barely understand her.
Now Cris starts crying, too. She usually never cries. Not when she fell from her bicycle and broke her ankle and not when Alyssa from our lacrosse accidentally team broke her nose. It feels like I have no tears left to cry. I’ve used up all my tears on Remi. Finna is the emotional one but she’s also the one hit by a stroke of fate. Fate meaning Tansy.
“Whatever is going to happen,” Cris say, “we’re here for you, Finna.”
“We are,” I agree.
Finna’s achieved most of her photos on Instagram that show her legs. She couldn’t bear looking at them. She hid the photos of us on the ice rink in front of the Rockefeller Center in Manhattan. That was last Christmas when we all met in New York City without families. My parents drove to New York with me, just Sofia couldn’t be there since she was abroad. Finna also hid a photo that the two of us took in front of a wall-length mirror at the mall. She hid photos of herself on vacation in Florida, laying on the beach in a black bikini.
She hid photos of her and her dad, of the girls partying and of her doing a campus tour at the University of Florida, the university of her dreams. She had everything figured out. Ideally, she wanted to move back to Florida after high school and major in biology. Of course, I would have tried to convince her to study at Brown with me.
She can forget her plans for now, maybe for forever. The photos remind her of what she can’t do anymore for the rest of her life. She can’t ice-skate no more. She can’t swim in the ocean or do simple everyday tasks as showering or getting dressed, at least not on her own.
She will need help for the most basic things.
“Why couldn’t I just die in that accident?,” she suddenly says.
“Finna, stop,” Cris says, “you barely survived. What would we do without you?“
“I shouldn’t have gone outside. I was so afraid to drive my car because of Tansy’s story,” she says. That’s why she hasn’t come to school. She wasn’t sick but frightened. And she had every reason to be frightened. Her eyes are filled with tears now. “It’s just that I don’t know what to do without walking, jumping, swimming, skiing. I can’t do anything. My dad already asked the doctor when I can start wearing prostheses.”
“That’s good,” Sage says, “I once saw a model with golden prosthesis.”
“It takes time,” she replies. “That was what the doctor told him. And I think my dad just wants m
e to walk again. To be normal again. I want that, too, but right now I feel like shit. My feet hurt and I don’t have any. How’s that possible?”
What do you tell someone who’s just lost two of her most needed body parts? We’re all clueless. After a while Finna asked us to leave, so she can sleep a little. Cris gave Finna her tablet so she can play games or read or watch Netflix.
“You need it more than I do,” she told her.
I wonder if sleep is what she needs right now. Because she said every time she wakes up she forgot that her accident wasn’t a dream. It must be horrible for her to be reminded of her situation all over again every time she wakes up. I can’t imagine what she’s going through. Sure, her life isn’t over, and she can walk with prothesis but right now she’s stuck in her hospital bed. She can’t shower on her own or go outside in the hallway to the snack machine.
“Sage,” I say as we leave the room and close Finna’s door. “Restroom?”
She nods.
We walk down the corridor and walk into the restroom. I stare at my reflection. I have dark circles live never before. Not even when I pulled all-nighters before a chemistry test last year. I looked way more alive back then. I need lots of make-up to cover those up. Or maybe I just need to get rid of Tansy.
“I already told Sofia,” I say. I look at her through the mirror. “Tansy told me it’s Remi’s fault that he’s dead because he didn’t continue playing her game.” Since Sage doesn’t say anything I keep talking. “The accident is what Tansy used for her story. A car crash because of which Finna can’t walk anymore.”
“I know,” Sage says, “it’s weird.”
“Do you want to get kidnapped and maybe even raped by some stranger?,” I ask. “Do you want Cris to get suspended? Do you want me to get murdered? Do you want my cousin to go to Asia and get some mutated virus?”
“STOP,” she yells. “No, of course not. But what exactly do you think does Tansy do? Is she a witch?”
“No idea,” I say. “All I know is that her stories become reality. Little by little. One by one. I don’t want to be next. I don’t want you or Cris or Sofia to be next.” I sigh and turn towards her. “Let’s meet tomorrow and find out more about this game, okay?”
She nods. “Sure. Now excuse me, I really need to pee.”
The second Sage closes the door to the cabin I leave this sticky small room. Out in the hallway I suddenly feel like the universe is testing me. Tansy is standing next to Cris and Sofia. They’re talking. For a moment I consider turning around but then I just continue walking towards them.
As soon as I stand in front of them I say: “Hey, Tansy, you’re here.”
It isn’t a question. What the hell are you doing here?, I think. Just go back to Cherokee and leave us alone. She shouldn’t have transferred to Horace Blake. We were complete. I don’t mind adopting new girls to our clique. The last time we did it we felt more complete than ever. Since Sage joined us it’s always been the four of us. Me, Sage, Cris and Finna. We drank hot chocolate and lattes at Watson’s, joined the lacrosse team (I might have forced them), received paintings from Cris and chocolate cookies from Finna for our birthdays, and just enjoyed being blessed with true friendship.
“Aspen,” she greets me, pretending like I didn’t accuse her of being responsible for Remi’s death. This time she is just smiling for a second.
She can’t fool me.
I know she’s not really sad because of Finna. “I’ve just heard about the accident, so I had to visit Finna. I mean we just met but…,” she says and looks at Sofia and puts an arm on hers, “… I wanted to be here for her.”
We’re here for her. Her real friends.
It’s because of her that Finna can’t walk anymore. It’s all because of her. How dare she show up here without feeling completely out of place? She took away my boyfriend.
“You’ve been in there?,” I ask her and point at Finna’s door.
She nods. “I was on my way to Blaize`s.”
I almost forgot he existed. Blaize Pettifer. The other new student besides Tansy.
“Hey,” Sage says. I didn’t see her coming. “Tansy.” She looks confused. “What did I miss?”
“Apparently we’re going to Blaize’,” I say looking at Tansy. “What are your plans?”
“Just hanging out,” she says.
Right now the atmosphere couldn’t be more awkward. Before leaving the hospital I turn around and look at Finna’s door. I want her to come with us. I want her to be able to walk away with us. She won’t be able to leave the hospital for a few more weeks, maybe months, and after her discharge it won’t be easy. I just feel like we’re betraying Finna, one of our closest friend, but I know all she wants to do now is sleep.
“Just follow me,” Tansy says before she gets in her car. It’s a Ford Fiesta. “Meet you at the exit.” She puts some dark sunglasses on before closing the car door, even though it isn’t that sunny today.
My Audi and one of Cris’ parents’ cars are parked on the other side of the area.
I wait for her to drive away, then I turn towards Sofia, with whom I walk to the car. “She’s got some nerves to show up here.”
“She told us that you’ve approached her,” she says. “And she said she understands you but she’s just as shocked as we are.”
“Do you believe her?,” I say and looks at her reproachfully. “That is bullshit.”
“No, I don’t,” she says. “It’s just that I don’t think someone actually has the power to kill someone without actually killing them. You know what I mean. She wasn’t there when Remi died, and she wasn’t around when someone accidentally hit Finna. Sure, he’s a total douchebag, or she is, whoever drove this van, but I just don’t believe a human being can actually make such things happen. But that doesn’t mean I’m not on your side. I totally am.”
I rummage through all the unnecessary stuff that’s in my purse. My wallet, my phone, earphones, my e-reader (that I barely use these days since my life’s starting to fall apart), an umbrella (according to the weather forecast on my phone it isn’t even supposed to rain), a book (that I carry around even though I own an e-reader) and a scrunchie. “I don’t have my car keys with me.”
“Okay,” she says
I look around, searching for Cris and Sage. “Did they just leave?,” I say, more to myself than to Sofia. “Wait here, I think I’ve left them in Finna’s room.”
I remember I held the keys when we entered her room. But when we left my hands were empty. Maybe, instead of putting them into my purse I’ve put them onto Finna’s bed or the nightstand.
I walk back to the hospital and look for room 314. When I arrive at the third floor and turn the corner I hear a male voice. It’s Mr. O’Connor’s voice.
“Do you really think this is going to be easy, Ashley?,” he says. I can’t see them, and I automatically stopped walking. I don’t want to walk in on them while they’re fighting. “She can’t even shower alone. Do you understand what that means? Do you?”
“You’re not the one who lives with her,” Finna’s mom says. “Why do you care?”
“Because she is my daughter as well,” he replies. He’s always been a serious man but how can he be so emotionless when his daughter needs him the most. He’s either serious or moody. He can be quite charming when he’s around his friends or colleagues, or when he’s talking to the other moms at school. He’s run for many years ago but then he moved back to Florida. “And this is the most horrible thing that ever happened to me.”
“To you?,” she says. “It’s always about you. Never about Finna. You don’t care about her.”
Then I hear a slap. Did he just give her a slap in the face? I don’t want to spy on them. I just want to get my car keys. I brace up and finally turn around the corner. Both of their heads turn towards me.
“Oh, hi Mr. and Mrs. O’Connor,” I say. “I think I left my keys with Finna.”
“You can just go inside,” Mr. O’Connor says and points at
the door. “But she’s asleep.”
“Alright,” I say, walk past them, press down the cold door handle and disappear inside Finna’s room.
They were right. She’s sleeping.
I remember when Finna, Cris and I had a sleepover at Finna’s several years ago. Sage wasn’t in our clique back then. It was October 31st. Halloween. In the early morning (or rather in the middle of the night) we sneaked out, walked to Remi’s house and died their swimming pool blood red. We bought food coloring. It was hilarious. It was my idea because I’ve been checking Remi out for a while and I knew he and his older brother were always up for some fun. That’s how he knew I exist. We ran away, and I saw him in the window. He was smiling at me and watched us run away.
I look at the nightstand. There is no key.
Maybe it’s somewhere in her bed. But first I get on my knees and look underneath the bed. There’s dust as big that looks like it’s alive. There’s an elastic. And there’s a red baller band. I reach through the grey dust and grab the bracelet. I thought hospitals are supposed to keep the rooms hygienic. Doesn’t look like it.
I hold the wristband in my hand.
Hawkins Valley Summer Camp, I read soundlessly.
I look at Finna whose eyes are still closed, then I put the wristband into my purse. I get up and walk towards the white table that stands next to the wall. I lift a blue cardigan that lies on it. There we go. My key. I grab it and leave the room. Mr. and Mrs. O’Connor are gone.
chapter 14
Cris texted us Blaize Pettifer’s address. They really just drove off without us. He lives at the town’s edge in a modern angular-shaped glass palace. It reminds me of a modern art gallery or a botanical garden. There are potted palm trees spread throughout the house. I’m not sure if this is some welcome-to-Seneca party or if he just likes to invite twenty-plus strangers to his house. We find Cris and Sage standing in the kitchen with Tansy and the new guy.