by Amanda Adair
Mrs. Jeong forced me to come to her office hour once again. It wasn’t her own idea. Mom and Dad asked the school to watch me. As if I can’t handle my boyfriend’s death on my own. I don’t need Mrs. Jeong. None of them know what caused Remi’s death. It could’ve been an accident, sure, but since Finna’s and Cris’ predictions have come true there is no doubt left. Still, I can’t tell my parents or the school psychologist. I was stupid enough to tell my mother about the jewelry box. It’s my fear that made me do it.
Mrs. Jeong, I read as I stand in front of her office. Before I knock on her door I turn around and look for Tansy. I don’t understand why I expect her to be at her locker right now. I may not be afraid of her anymore, but I need to stop thinking of her as our savior. Just because she has played the game some weeks before we did, doesn’t mean she is an expert and knows how to. Beat the curse.
“Come in,” I hear Mrs. Jeong say after I knocked on her door.
“Hello Mrs. Jeong,” I say when I step into her office. During my last visit her office was clean and her desk was empty except of her laptop and other work utensils. Now her desk is covered in letters, envelopes, pens and paperclips.
“Take a seat, please, Aspen,” she says and tries to shove some of the things aside. She continues talking after she put on her glasses. Those are typical nerd glasses. They’re huge, with a golden frame. They look like the ones Sage used to wear before she became popular. Her eyesight is as perfect as her figure, as flawless as her skin. She never needed the glasses. They’re fashion items. Even though she wasn’t considered a fashionable girl back then she did have her own style.
I wonder if Mrs. Jeong already talked to Tansy. She promised me she would but now it isn’t necessary anymore.
“Is there any news on his death?,” I ask before she can ask me anything. Like Aspen, how are you feeling today? Aspen, how often do you still think of Remi? Aspen, why haven’t you been visiting Remi’s parents again? Instead she should ask me if I’m afraid to get stabbed. The answer is an unambiguous yes.
After Finna had moved to Seneca her mom made her go to the school psychologist because of her parents’ divorce. She couldn’t understand her father’s decision to leave her mother for another woman. Well, for many other women, one after another. Finna was able to stop stealing and shoplifting with the help of Mrs. Jeong. But Finna’s problem was a real one, a tangible and concrete. My problem is that I know I’m facing the same fate as Remi or Finna.
“Not that I know of,” she says. “In cases like this one, when the cause of death is unknown, people tend to have difficulties with letting go. You’ve told the police that Remi has ever taken any drugs. Have you been changing any of your habits since he has died?”
I take a minute to make sense of her question. I assume it’s her way to ask if I became an alcoholic.
“No,” I say. The only thing that has changed is that I’ve become afraid to be alone. That nightmares and sleepless nights are now part of my daily life. None of this was caused by Remi’s death. It was, as well as his death, caused by Amaris’ game. I rarely think of Remi. I’m too busy trying to prevent my own death and keep my secrets hidden.
“Any sleep disturbances, headaches or concentration difficulties?,” she says and looks up from her computer. It looks like she’s ticking off the symptoms, so she can prescribe me some pills or therapy.
“No,” I say once more. “I was sad, but the more time passes the easier it gets.” I tell her that because I want her to think I’m healing. It’s a myth that one could heal from everything. Healing is neither obligatory nor easy. There are people who heal quickly and move on and there are some of us who will always remain a little sad. I think that is applicable for his parents. I don’t think parents can get over the loss of a child.
“That sounds like your making good progress,” she says. “I bet your friends assist you with your grief.”
I bet they don’t. Finna and Cris aren’t around, Sofia and Sage have to be as fearful as I am, and Tansy is someone I literally met a few weeks ago. Remi’s death is not what keeps us busy these days.
“Sure, talking to them helps me a lot,” I lie.
Mrs. Jeong asks a few more unnecessary questions before she allows me to leave. I set out for Watson’s right after I leave the school building. It’s a windy and cold day and it almost feels like an early beginning of autumn. When I enter the café I see Sofia sitting at a table with Sage. They’re holding hands as if they’re trying to comfort each other.
“Sage, what are you doing here?,” I ask.
“I came here to get a coffee to go,” she explains.
“And I was sitting here with a hot chocolate,” Sofia adds.
“And the three of us have to go to lacrosse training,” Sage says looking at me. It would be the first time Sofia’s joining us. Did they talk about this before I showed up? Sage lets go of my cousin’s hand and gets up. “I’ll get another drink.”
“Aspen,” Sofia says as soon as Sage is at the counter. “My parents have tried to call me five times today.”
She’s talking to them almost every day, either via text or call, skype or email. It’s not surprising that they’re reaching out.
“I think that’s it,” she says. “I have to follow them to Asia.”
“Maybe they just want to know how you’re doing,” I say. “They’ve probably heard of Remi’s death.”
Horace Blake is trying to cover it up since it happened on their terrain but it’s all over the news. The healthy athletic boy who died out of nowhere. There are some journalists who think it was drugs, a serial killer or maybe a new disease. The game is a disease and we still haven’t come up with a cure.
“There is no American school in Manila,” she says. “But an international one. I could argue that I’m better off in the States if I want to go to college here.”
“Do you want to go to college here?,” I ask, hoping she’ll stay here with me. My life is a mess right now, but I can’t let her leave me. Not now. I always wanted a sister and up until this summer my sisters were Sage, Finna and Cris.
“Maybe,” Sofia says. “I don’t know yet. I want to study international relations. In Europe maybe, as a double degree.”
“Sounds great,” I say, then I sigh because I remember all that Tansy has told me. “I don’t think you’re safe if you stay here.”
“I didn’t ask you two if you want a drink, too,” I hear Sage says. She puts two mugs topped with whipped cream onto the table, one of them in front of me. “A hot chocolate. For you.”
“How could you possibly know that I love hot chocolate,” I joke. “Thanks.”
“Why not?,” Sofia asks.
I remember what she suggested minutes ago. “I don’t think you’re safe staying in the country. What if you catch a virus here?”
“What are you talking about?,” Sage asks.
“She thinks she’s safe if she refuses to fly to Asia,” I tell her.
“Maybe it is,” Sage replies and shrugs her shoulders.
“So, you really believe you just have to avoid parks at night,” I say, “and I have to avoid our guest house and that’s it? We’re safe then?”
“Maybe,” is all she has to say. “Better than some sort of exposure therapy.”
“How about Finna?,” I ask looking at both of them.
“Maybe not,” Sofia says. “Do you think I should just go to Manila?”
I shake my head. “NO,” I say way too loud. The other guests at the café turn their heads. I lower my voice and lean forward, staring at my hot chocolate. I haven’t touched it yet, so the cream has deformed and sunken down a bit, making it look like a mountain scenery. “No, that’s not a good idea. Just tell them the flights are all overbooked.”
“They’re not stupid,” she argues.
Sage looks at her golden watch and says, “we have to go if we want to go to lacrosse training.”
chapter 33
I didn’t want to go to lacrosse tra
ining, yet here I am, standing on the meadow between my teammates. Going here meant having to cross the meadow Remi’s corpse lay on. Everyone but Cris and Finna is present. Our coach introduces Sofia as the new one and tells her about all of our success and rules. Never forget to warm up and stretch. Stay hydrated, especially on hot days. Remove your piercings and jewelry. The most important rules is not to get into trouble. Because getting suspended like Cris could possibly ruin our statistics and endanger our next victory.
“Every single girl that can’t come to practice is lowering our chances of staying on top of the league,” she says.
I am less focused than ever, and our coach lets us run in circles for the last fifteen minutes because of me. Because I didn’t manage to throw the ball into the net. Not even once. I thought lacrosse would get me a scholarship for Brown. Before I met Remi my boyfriend was lacrosse. As a kid my parents made me choose a sport. I liked tennis but I was more into team sports. I didn’t like badminton or basketball, I hated it. I thought cheerleading was cool, but it didn’t involve enough running around. It came down to a choice between field hockey (Mom played field hockey back in high school and encouraged me to try it out) and my beloved lacrosse (which was Dad’s idea since I’m made for running and shooting goals). Our coach thinks I should play offense, defense and midfield all at once. She also told me I’m a skilled goalie.
Back then, when I chose lacrosse as my sport, I was young and didn’t mind wearing a stupid horribly looking uniform. I hate those eye masks, cleats and mouthguards. We all look good in without them but these not so fashionable accessories we look ridiculous. While running I realize I’ve lost my motivation for this type of sport. I’ve lost motivation for most of my ambitions lately. I can forget about my dream board (Brown, Paris, law school) if I fail to safe my life.
“What’s wrong?,” Sage asks as soon as we’re in the locker room. She removes her shirt and throws it onto her bag that lies on the bench in front of us. Then she shakes her head. “Sorry. Of course, everything is wrong. I’m confused and really I wasn’t prepared for that much running. Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I say.
“Ready?,” Sofia asks. She’s become lazy, only wearing jeans and a plain shirt most of the time. She’s wearing her hair in a messy bun or ponytail and she never bother to wear earrings or necklaces anymore. She’s just changed at a record time.
“I have to go,” Sage says as she looks on her phone. “See ya.”
Sage and I are always the ones who leave the locker room last. Normally that is because we like to discuss the latest school and celebrity gossip with Finna. I miss her so much. She told us not to drop by too often as she needs time to adjust to her new circumstances.
“I’ve been watching so many videos about people whose life changed radically after an accident,” she told us. “I’ve read about one really young girl who suddenly lost all of her body hair.”
I couldn’t handle such a drastic change. Whether it is losing both legs or every single hair on my body, including brows and lashes. It was bad enough to lose my boyfriend and it must be horrible to grow up with a violent parent like Tansy.
I look at the bench again before Sofia and I leave. Once Remi and I made out in here – I sat on his lap and kissed his neck – and because we were all alone we even had sex in the girls’ locker room. He wanted to pick me up from practice and go out to eat. Eating out with Remi meant popping over to a restaurant to grab some takeout, then go to either his or my home and chill on the bed. Burritos, quesadillas and chicken wings were his favorite picks. He preferred meat since he needed the protein.
“You’ve forgotten your bracelet,” Sofia says and points at the floor.
When I turn around I see something lying on the ground. I pick it up and untangle the golden chain. It’s not a bracelet, it’s a necklace. I put it into my back pocket. One of the girls must’ve lost it this afternoon.
“I texted them that I’m busy playing lacrosse and going out with you and Sage and having fun,” Sofia says as we sit in my car. “Just so they know I’m happy here.” She pauses. “But you all think it won’t help to stay here.”
“It just doesn’t seem to stop something bad from happening,” I say. “Finna’s story was slightly different from what actually happened.”
She looks away from me and outside the window. Out of the corner of my eye I see that someone’s calling me.
chapter 34
“I’ve seen them together,” she says. Her words haunt my brain and my thoughts. When I got out of the car I called her back. It was Tansy’s name and photo that appeared on the screen.
“Where?,” I want to know from her. Sofia’s standing next to me, waving at me and letting me know she wants to go inside. She has a key of her own, so she can unlock the door whenever she wants to. She doesn’t need my help.
“I drove by her house,” Tansy says. “Sage was inside of it and Gigi was about to leave.”
I have to swallow before I can allow more words to leave my mouth. “Gigi was inside of her house? Maybe she’s moved here and they’re neighbors.” Only after I’ve said it out loud I realize how stupid I must sound with my excuses and explanations. As if I’m trying to tell the world the aliens that bombed us are the friendliest creatures deep down and just confused at the moment. As if I’m trying to tell my girls I can still walk in my heels perfectly even though the left heel’s broken off. It’s BS.
“I think Sage knows Gigi,” she says. She sounds like she’s running. I can hear her breathe through the phone. “Maybe she knew I would play the game with you guys.”
“What does it matter?,” I ask. “If they knew each other before Gigi got here Sage would’ve told us. So, Gigi must’ve reached out to her. I just don’t understand why.”
“Maybe not,” she says. “I don’t know why. I just wanted to let you know she’s here. I’m thinking about going away from here with my mom. I don’t want Gigi to ruin my second chance with her.”
“You’re leaving?,” I ask, trying not to sound too shocked.
“Definitely not now,” she assures me. “I’m going to the movies with her. I’m just saying I can’t let her take away my mom or anything else. Whatever she wants I don’t care.”
And then she hung up on me. Because when I tell her to calm down there is no reply, just a few beep sounds.
“What happened?,” Sofia says. I totally forgot she’s still here. She’s heard me.
“Sage met with Gigi,” I tell her. “Gigi is the girl from the YouTube video. The one Layla called Emma. She’s the one who played the game with Tansy and the other girls from camp.”
“Do you think she wants to hurt us?,” she asks as we walk towards the house.
I unlock the door and say, “I’m not sure if I should warn Sage or if we should be alarmed.”
“Let’s talk about it after dinner,” she suggests. “Your parents have cooked for us.”
That they’ve cooked for us is an understatement. On the table there is more than enough food for five families with three children each. There are two different kinds of salads, red and white soups, bruschetta, chicken fajitas, calzones, shrimps, stuffed peppers and much more. I’m hungry but I didn’t expect them to serve that much.
“This is insane,” I say. “Are we expecting guests?”
“Thank you so much for cooking,” Sofia says. “Everything looks amazing.”
“We are having guests tonight,” Dad confirms and smiles. “Sit down wherever you want.” He then disappears in the kitchen and comes back with a bottle of wine. “Don’t look at me like that. This is just for your mother and me.”
“I know, Dad,” I say. I think he knows I’ve already drunken alcohol (a lot of it), but he keeps telling me not to drink.
“You’re ruining your body and health,” he keeps telling me. “Wait a few more years and never drink more than three times a week.” Sounds like something a doctor would say. Doctors preach staying away from cigarettes but they’re the on
es who smoke as soon as they’re at break.
I sit down next to Sofia. I’ve been wanting a sister for years, so I might as well enjoy her company now. I didn’t get the chance to enjoy living together with my cousin, going to the same school with her, because of all those deaths and accidents.
“There are place settings for four people,” I say and look at Mom and Dad who sit down in front of us. The huge table, that they bought at an online store for designer furniture years ago, could easily fit eight people instead of just four. Right now we need that much space for all the food, appetizers, main courses, desserts and drinks.
Mom reaches out for something that looks like a flat black folder. She unfolds its cover and reveals an iPad.
“Let me introduce you to our guests,” she says and opens skype.
“No way,” Sofia says and smiles.
I look at the screen and glance at aunt Katherine and uncle Ray. “Hi everyone,” they say.
“Hey,” Sofia says, still smiling, but then fear is spreading across her face. She remembers that her parents have a reason to reach out to her. It makes her smile look fake and her eyes look empty.
“I was talking to Helen and she told me you’ve become close friends with Aspen’s friends,” Katherine says. My aunt is one of the sincerest people I know. She’s always concerned about others. She’s informed about women’s rights or Middle Eastern policy and she speaks five languages fluently. Sofia’s always looked up to her mother. I guess that’s why she fell in love with the idea of studying international relations in two countries.
“They’re amazing,” Sofia says after a while. “I love it here. There’s no better place or school to graduate at.” We’re both staring at the screen, unable to move any part of our bodies, waiting for their response.
“Great,” Ray says. “That’s what we wanted to hear. Is our daughter behaving, Aspen?”
“Sure,” I say. “I’m lucky to have her here.” Maybe they’re scared to tell her the truth, I think.