by Cecil, Amy
"Yes, I did," I reply proudly. Oh, baby, all you have to do is say the word and I'll be yours, I think to myself. But I would never tell him that.
"Wanna start today?"
"Yes, sir," I reply.
"Hawk, show her the vacant rooms on the other side of the building and let her pick one. Get the boys to help her move her stuff in." He turns to me and says, "I assume you don't have much in your car—unless you have a moving van coming in?"
I laugh and say, "No, just what's in my car. Clothes and shit, you know."
"Gotcha."
Hawk says, "Come on Honey, let's get you situated."
I am so happy I could burst! What started out as a shit day has actually turned around and just may be the best damn day of my life.
Chapter 2
I've been with the MC for two weeks now and I love it. Hawk let me pick out a room, which is perfect for me. I even have my own bathroom. I think this place was an old motel that was converted to meet the needs of the MC. All the rooms have their own bath. My room was the biggest vacant one, with a small sitting room that was separate from the bedroom.
The boys in the MC are really nice and are very respectful of me. I understand from Hawk that Ice laid down the law where I was concerned and I'm quickly learning that everyone does what Ice says. I guess that's why he's their president.
I've made friends with a couple of the guys, especially Hawk. He is such a sweet man and not bad to look at either. I mean, he's not Ice, nobody compares to Ice, but he's not bad. He keeps asking me about my past, but I'm just not ready to talk about it with him. Perhaps I should. Perhaps it would make it a lot easier to let things go if I do. Hell, I don't know.
The guys love the meals. At first, only a few guys showed up for dinner and I worried that my value to the club would wane and I would have to leave. But after word spread through the club, just about every member comes in for dinner when they can. It warms my heart to see them eat so heartily and the compliments just make my day. I'm definitely growing on them and absolutely love taking care of them.
Today is my cleaning day, so I have worked my way through the clubhouse cleaning the rooms on my side of the building and the common area. I haven't been in the upstairs portion of the other half of the building, but I guess that will need to be cleaned too. I know that Ice's room is over there and I hope it's ok that I clean it.
I walk up the stairs and get to the top. There's a small hallway with two closed doors. I open the first one. This is definitely Ice's room and surprisingly, it's neat and tidy. I walk over to the other room, expecting to find some type of sitting room, but I see that it's another bedroom. Interesting. This room is spacious like mine, with a queen-size bed on the center wall and a nightstand on each side of the bed. On the opposite wall is a dresser and in the corner is another door, which I assume is a closet, like mine. In the other corner is another door, which opens to a bathroom. It's clear that this room is vacant, which I find somewhat odd. Perhaps this is set aside for a special guest or something? It's definitely the nicest room in the place.
In the couple of weeks that I've been here, I haven't seen Ice with a woman and have often wondered why a man like him isn't taken. I make a mental note to ask Hawk about it. I doubt he will tell me anything, so I'm sure I will have to find a way to ask him without it looking like I'm prying. Which is exactly what I'll be doing, but he doesn't need to know that.
I quickly go about my business getting everything on this end of the building cleaned and make my way back downstairs. It's close to dinner time and I have to start getting things ready. Ice gives me a weekly allowance for food so that I can do the grocery shopping on my own and plan out my meals. I really couldn't ask for a better boss or a better situation.
I’ve just finished getting dinner put together when Hawk comes walking in.
"Whatcha doing, Honey?" All the boys now call me Honey; I love how Ice's nickname for me has stuck. I don't even think that any of them, besides Hawk and Ice, know my real name.
"Just got dinner in the oven. You eating with us tonight?" I ask him.
"Hell yeah. I wouldn't miss one of your meals," he replies and I smile. "Why don't you come and have a drink with me? There's something I want to ask you."
I look around the kitchen and see that everything is ready to go, so I agree. Wiping my hands on my apron, I take it off and lay it on the counter and follow Hawk out to the bar.
He goes behind the bar and gets a bottle of water from the cooler, then pours himself a beer. He doesn't even ask if I want one; he knows that I'd decline.
"So why don't you drink, Honey? Don't like the stuff?"
"No, I like it too much." I contemplate telling him that I am a recovering addict, but then I hesitate. What if he tells Ice and he kicks me out? "I do better with water, trust me," I add. Suddenly, memories of my past begin to clutter my mind.
Three years ago …
I have not had a fix in two days. “I can’t do this!” I scream. Nobody hears me because I am the only person in the room.
I am at the Mountainside Treatment Center in New York City. I finally made the decision three years after I left Edinboro to get myself clean. The abortion put me in a tailspin and over the course of the following years, I kept getting worse. My wakeup call came when I almost died of an overdose and landed myself in the hospital. But it’s only been two days…I can’t do it.
I quickly remind myself about what brought me here and begin to talk myself down. But these overpowering cravings are fighting to win. I just can’t let them. And, if the cravings aren’t bad enough, the vomiting, chills, tremors and the never-ending pain in my joints don’t make it any easier.
I’m quickly roused from my thoughts when I hear Hawk say, "Still not gonna tell me your story?"
"Nope." I take a drink of my water. "Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?"
"No, actually…well, I was wondering if you'd like to go out on a date with me?"
I look at him curiously. "Why would you ask me that, Hawk? You heard what Ice said, I'm off limits."
"Oh darling, I heard him. You're off limits for a fuck and dump. That's not what I'm asking." He looks away shyly then turns back to me and says, "Look, I think we might have something here and I'm willing to pursue it and see where it goes."
I am completely thrown for a loop. Hawk and I have become friends and I would have to say that he is currently my closest friend, but I’ve never seen our relationship as anything more than that. I think back over the last couple of weeks and I'm sure that I never gave him any indication that I was interested in more. So why does he think that we have something between us?
"Oh Hawk, I like you. I really do, but I'm not ready to be dating anyone right now. There are things in my past that you don't know…"
"That's because you won't tell me," he quickly interrupts.
"Because I'm not ready to tell anybody, Hawk. It's not you, really, it's me." I cringe inside and think, Oh God, that sounds so clichéd. But it's the truth. Hopefully, he'll understand and will remain my friend.
"Ok, I get it. But I'm gonna tell you this: I'm not giving up. There will come a day when you're ready to tell me and when you do, I'll be right here waiting for you."
"Still my friend?" I ask hesitantly.
"Of course. I'm a big enough man that I can get past it when a beautiful woman rejects me. I won't hold it against you."
I give him a hug and say, "You know, you really are one of the good ones."
"Damn straight I am, and it will do you well to always remember that."
"I'm sure you will make sure that I never forget it," I say and he laughs.
The rest of the members start trickling in and I realize I really need to go check on the roast that I put in the oven. I get up and proceed to the kitchen. The roast is progressing nicely, so I return to the common area.
"Hey Honey, when's dinner gonna be ready?" Rebel calls out. "I'm starving."
"Soon, Rebel. Just finishing
some things up."
"It smells fucking amazing," he replies.
"Thank you."
We've finished dinner, but Ice never came back to the clubhouse. The boys are in the lounge area watching the football game and I'm at the bar, keeping their beers coming. Hawk sits up at the bar with me; I think he's staying to keep me company.
"You know, you don't have to babysit me," I say. I feel bad because I think that he's here instead of hanging with the guys because of me. "You can go watch the game with the guys."
"I can see the game just fine from here. I normally don't hang with the guys anyway."
"Yeah, I've noticed that." I pause and then casually ask, "So is Ice ok?"
"Of course he is, why do you ask?"
"Well, he never came back after he left this morning and I was worried."
"Oh, no need to worry, he just went home."
"Home? I thought this was his home." I'm completely surprised at this. I never thought he had a home other than this clubhouse.
"It is, most of the time. But he also has a house on Edinboro Lake. His kid sister is in college and when she's home on the weekends, he spends time with her."
"Oh, I didn't realize he had family."
"Just Ari, that's his sister. He's raised her since she was twelve. Tragic story, really. Several years ago on New Year's Eve, his parents went out and were hit by a drunk driver, killing them both. They not only lost their parents, but due to some bad investing by his dad, they lost all their money too. Ice was twenty-four when it all went down."
"Oh, that is tragic.”
"Yeah, but once he got hooked up with the MC, things started turning around for him. And the old ladies around here helped him a lot with Ari."
"This really is a family, isn't it?"
"Oh, darl’n, you haven't seen anything yet. But yes, we are definitely one big family." He pauses and then adds, "A lot of the members who have old ladies don't hang around the clubhouse unless we are going on a run or Ice calls church. But about once a month, we do some type of family event where we all hang out, including kids. It's chaos, but so worth it."
"Will I have to cook for this?" I ask, a bit terrified. He's making it sound like I’ll have to cook for hundreds of people, and I'm sort of freaking out right now.
"Oh Honey, no. Ice has it catered. It's much easier and everyone gets to just kick back and relax instead of work. You'll see, we've got one coming up next Saturday."
"Well, that's a relief."
"Yeah, it's a lot of fun. And you'll get to meet everyone."
"I’m looking forward to it."
The night continues on without event and by the time I get back to my room, after cleaning all day and cooking, I'm beat. After I take off my makeup and wash my face, I get ready for bed. When I lie down my body goes limp. I think about what Hawk told me about Ice; I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it would have been for him to care for a little sister while working his way up in the club. Hopefully, I will get to meet Ari and we'll be friends.
Hawk mentioned that the guys' old ladies would be at the party next week. I'm glad—I've really enjoyed hanging with the boys, but some female companionship sounds really good.
Eventually, my thoughts begin to wane and I fall fast asleep.
Chapter 3
Weeks now have turned into months and I have to say that I don't feel like a visitor anymore. This is my home and these boys are my family. I would do anything for them and oddly enough, I know that they would do anything for me.
I've tried really hard to break down Ice's walls, but I get nothing from him. I've only seen him with a woman once or twice, but never the same woman twice. I never asked Hawk about it before, but today, my curiosity is getting the best of me and I have to know more about him. I've become obsessed with him.
It's late on a Wednesday afternoon and it's just Hawk and me at the clubhouse. Ice and the boys went on a charity run, but Hawk remained here. Last week he sprained his wrist playing basketball out back and won't be able to ride for a while. So it's just the two of us, which means it’s the perfect time to probe him for some answers.
"So Hawk, can I ask you something?"
"Yeah babe, what's up?" he says as he takes a swig of his beer.
"I've been here almost six months now and, well, I just find it odd that I never see Ice with a steady girl."
"And you never will," he replies.
"Why? Was he hurt badly at one time?"
"Naw, that's not it. Well, at least I don't think so. He never talks about it much, but I will tell you, he's a fuck-and-dump kinda guy."
"Fuck and dump, huh? You've used that term before."
"Yeah, he's not one to settle down in any type of relationship." He pauses and then says, "Why, you hoping for a piece of him?" I can hear a bit of disdain and jealousy in his voice, so I make a note to answer carefully.
"No. It's just sad, that's all," I reply. Hopefully, that makes me sound more caring than interested. But shit, who wouldn't be interested? The man is a fucking god! The more time I spend with him, the more I have to fight back the drool that wants to escape my mouth. It's a shame that so much sexiness has to go to waste, because I'll tell you what, I definitely wouldn't kick him out of my bed. But I doubt that I will ever get the opportunity.
Quickly changing the subject, I say, "So when do the boys get back?"
"Day after tomorrow." Hawk pauses and then adds, "Hey, you know what? There is no reason you should cook for just us two. Let me take you to dinner." Before I can say anything, he raises his hands defensively and says, "Just as friends. I just wanna give you a night off."
"Sure, that sounds nice. Thank you."
Dinner with Hawk was very nice; he was a perfect gentleman, ensuring that our "date" was simply platonic. He tried again to get me to open up about my past, but I'm still not ready. But even though I’m not ready to talk about it, I can deal with it better these days—I have even ventured into town more, not worrying about who I might run into. I guess that's always been my biggest fear—running into Jack, the man whose engagement ring I pawned and ditched at the altar. I've hurt many people, but Jack is the one I hurt most. I'm just not ready to face him yet. But I know there will come a day when I won't have a choice.
Several nights later, after everyone returned from the charity run, Ice is working late in his office. All the boys have either left or gone to their rooms, leaving the clubhouse quiet and dark except for the subtle glow from Ice's door. After I clean the bar, I go to his office to see if he needs anything before I turn in myself.
I knock and he answers, "Come in." As I walk through the door, he says, "Hey, Honey."
"Hey, I was gonna turn in for the night. Is there anything you need before I do?" I ask.
"What time is it?" he asks in surprise.
I look down at my watch and say, "2:30."
"Holy shit. I didn't realize it was so late."
"You've been working in here all night."
"Yeah, I know, just trying to figure out some shit." He pauses and says, "You know what, I'm done for the night. Can I buy you a drink?"
"Uh, Ice, we have a fully stocked bar."
He laughs. "I know. I was making a joke."
"Oh. Sorry," I reply, feeling really stupid.
"It's all good. Come on, have a drink with me."
"Ok."
He gets up from his desk and walks over to the door and I follow. He sits at the bar and I go behind it. "What'll you have?" I ask.
"Makers, straight up, love." I pour his drink, grab a bottle of water, and walk around the bar to sit with him.
"So Honey, you've been with us what, six months now?"
"Yeah, close to that."
"Do ya like it here?" he asks.
"I do, Ice, I really do. All the men have been really nice to me. I've met some of the old ladies too and I like them. It feels like home."
"Good, I'm glad. I know the boys really enjoy having you around." He smiles that brilliant smile
of his. "None of them have tried anything, have they?"
"Oh no, they have been perfect gentlemen," I reply.
"That's good. If anything changes, you be sure to tell me."
I nod. "I sure will."
"So what are you hiding from?"
Why is everyone so concerned with my past? Every time they bring this shit up, it makes me remember things that I have long since chosen to forget. But like clockwork, my mind begins to remember, again.
At first, during my experimental days, it was the euphoric high and the surge of energy that I would get from the coke that made me want it. Then it got to the point that I not only wanted it, I needed it. And now, after four days in rehab, I still need it…and I can’t get it. I’m not strong enough to make it through this. I can’t do it. I should have died when I overdosed. I don’t deserve to live.
“Uh, Honey?” I’m suddenly taken out of my daze and I look at Ice, who is looking at me like I’ve grown a pair of horns.
“What?”
“What are you hiding from?” he asks.
"What makes you think I'm hiding?" I reply defensively.
"Oh Honey, you can't fool me. You spend every minute of your time inside this clubhouse, except when you go grocery shopping. And when you do, it's always late in the evening. You're avoiding something or someone."
"I am."
"Talk to me."
I realize that I can't hide anything from him and I shouldn't. This man gave me exactly what I needed when I got to town and I owe him the decency of being honest with him. I take a breath and say, "Well, I'm a recovering addict. Before I left town, I was engaged to be married. The night before my wedding I pawned my engagement ring for a fix and left him high and dry. I have not spoken to him since and really don't want to right now."
"Does he still live here?" he asks, never mentioning anything about the revelation that I am a recovering addict.
"Yes, he does. Actually, you know him."
"I do?" he says, surprised.
"Yeah, it's Jack Briggs."
"Get out!" He takes a drink and looks at me. "Really?"