by Cecil, Amy
I smile and say, "Well, that makes us even. I was jealous of you, too." Sometimes, I still am. "I knew that you and Ice had a history and I guessed that you were the reason he never settled down with anyone. He was never going to make me his old lady. I never realized that, however, until you came."
"I'm sorry." There is an awkward silence between us and then she adds, “I really never meant to hurt anyone by coming back into his life."
"I know that, really I do. I was hurt at first, but I know that you are the one that has been meant for him all along. I've never seen him content, truly content, like he is with you. I loved him—hell, I think I still do in a way. But it really makes me happy to see him happy. That's what's important."
"And what about you?"
"Oh, now don't you go worrying about me. I know there's someone out there for me. There has to be, right?" I ask with a laugh.
"I know there is!" She beams. "What will you do now? Will you stay with the club?"
"Ice has assured me that I will always have a place with the club. He has told me over and over again that this club is my home. So, I plan on sticking around. Besides, I really enjoy taking care of these boys and I do consider you a friend." I let the silence between us settle and then say, "You know, he took me in when I had nothing. I will never forget what Ice and this club have done for me."
"What happened to you before you came to the club?" Emma asks.
"That, my dear Emma, is a story for another day. Right now, we have work to do." Emma is definitely growing on me, but I'm not ready to tell her my sad tale.
"Can I ask another question?" she asks.
"Sure, hon."
"Is Honey your real name?" I laugh. Of all the questions she could ask, that was not what I was expecting.
"No, it's Amanda." I don't have the heart to tell her that Ice gave me the nickname, so I lie and say, "The boys gave me the name "Honey" and it kinda stuck." I pause and look at her oddly and say, "Did I really just say that?" And we both start laughing.
Just then, Hawk walks through the front door. "Hey, girls. How are things going here?" Emma looks from Hawk to me and then back at Hawk again.
I look at her incredulously.
"What?" she asks.
"What's going on in the head of yours, Emma?" I give her a look that says, I know you're up to something.
"Not a thing," she replies smugly. "Don't you need to tell Hawk about all the arrangements we've made today?"
I proceed to go over everything with Hawk. He seems pleased with the progress Emma and I made today.
A couple of hours later, Rebel and Ari return and inform us that everything has been dropped at Kandi's and that they picked up some things for us here at the house as well. Rebel and Ari go out to carry them in and when they are gone, Emma asks a lot of questions. She seems especially curious about Rebel and Ari. I think she is playing matchmaker. But I also think she is right. I know that Rebel has had a thing for Ari, but I don't think he's said anything to Ice about it. Frankly, I'm not sure how Ice will take it. He's very protective of his kid sister and rightly so.
"Rebel has been dancing around his feelings for her for as long as I can remember. He's worried that Ice will beat the shit out of him if he messes with his sister. I can't say I really blame him, but at least he could ask him. Don't ya think?"
"He should ask him. What could it hurt?" Emma says.
"For most people, it couldn't. But if Ice is totally against the idea, he could get so pissed off that Rebel would even think about dating his kid sister that he'd beat the shit out of him. And Ice would win. That's why Rebel is scared."
"Would he really hurt him, just for that?" she asks curiously.
"Hell yeah, he would. That's almost as bad as one of the guys going after his old lady," I say as Rebel and Ari come back in carrying a few bags.
As we start to empty the bags that have been placed on the counter, Ari comes up behind us, drops her bags on the counter, and runs upstairs to her room. We then hear the door slam. Rebel goes out the front door and slams that door too. Emma looks over at me and I just roll my eyes, silently telling her to just leave it alone.
Several minutes later, they come back into the kitchen. "You two finally kiss and make up?" I ask in my best motherly tone.
Rebel gives me a look that says, Let it go, Honey. Out loud he replies, "Yeah, we're all good here."
"Yep, all good," Ari adds.
Chapter 13
We spend the remainder of the week preparing food that we can freeze and store at Kandi's. The out-of-town guests are arriving daily and Rebel and Hawk have been so busy, we've hardly seen them during the day. They always come for dinner, and Rebel always stays, but that's about it.
The service is today and frankly, even though I know that Ice is alive, it's the last thing I want to attend. But I do, and other than the Satans showing up, everything goes without a hitch. They didn't cause any problems, but they made damn sure that their presence was known.
Rebel, Ari, and Emma left the after-party early, but Hawk, being the acting prez, had to stay. When we get back to the house, all hell breaks loose. Hawk sees Rebel come out of Ari's room and I can see his anger rise. "What?" Rebel asks defensively.
"Isn't that Ari's room you just walked out of?" he asks smugly.
"Fuck you, Hawk. She fell asleep on the couch. I carried her to bed. End of story. Get your fuckin' mind out of the gutter."
"Yeah, right. Wait until Ice finds out you have been banging his sister."
Rebel gets in Hawk's face and says, "Look, motherfucker. You're talking about stuff you know nothing about. Until you get your facts straight, I suggest you keep your fuckin' mouth shut. You got me?"
Hawk pushes him away and says, "You better remember who you are talking to."
"Fuck you! I don't give a fuck who you are, and neither will Ice—especially if he hears you talking shit about his kid sister."
I’ve had enough, so I step between them and say, "Boys, enough! Hawk, get yourself a beer and cool off. Rebel, you pour yourself a drink, too. You are both acting like a couple of ten-year-olds. Enough is enough! Ice would be pissed at you both, hearing you talk like this." I look over at Rebel and say, "Grow up, Rebel!" Then I turn to Hawk and say, "And you! Go get laid and unwind. You have been wound tighter than a fucking top recently." I scowl at them both. They know better; we don't need this shit right now. "If you two don't straighten up, I'll put you both over my knee. And don't think I can't do it!" I stomp off and head to my room. Damn fucking alpha bikers. I swear their egos are bigger than their Harleys.
The next several days fly by. Everyone else still believes that Ice is dead and we haven't seen or heard from him. Well, us girls, that is. I'm sure the boys have. But we don't see them much, as they are in constant meetings. That leaves Emma, Ari, and me to entertain ourselves. When Rebel can't be at the house, he makes sure that one of the prospects is there to babysit us. Usually, it's Tiny. We actually ask for him. He's great to have around, as he goes out of his way to keep us entertained. He plays board games and cards with us and one of us girls always beats him. But I think he lets us win. And he is quite funny.
But when Tiny isn't around, it gets downright boring. Emma, Ari and I have gotten really close and I like that. I don't have many girlfriends and the ones that I do have I don't see very often. Obviously, Emma and Ari aren't going anywhere, so I'm hopeful. I still have bouts when I can't help feeling jealous of Emma, and sometimes even Ari. They are both a part of Ice's life and sometimes I feel like the outsider. But then they do something really sweet and I feel like I do belong.
It does get better, but we all are just patiently waiting for Ice to come home.
Tonight, I decide to go and find something for dinner in the freezer downstairs. Ari is taking a nap and Emma is reading. I come up from the basement and find Hawk and Ryder in the family room talking to Emma.
"Hey guys," I say. Hawk looks up and smiles at me. I blush slightly; his adoration sometime
s makes me uncomfortable. But before I can say anything, I am pulled into a great big bear hug.
"Hey, Honey girl! I've missed you!" Ryder says.
"I've missed you too, big guy!" I say, smiling. I see Hawk watching us out of the corner of my eye and he looks pissed. He gets so damn jealous and we aren't even officially together, yet. I can't deal with that kind of possessiveness. If he really wants a relationship with me, he had best get over it.
We hear the hum of a Harley pulling in the driveway and I soon realize that it's not just a Harley. That's Ice. I can tell that Hawk and Ryder already know that it's him, but Emma is confused. She gets up from the couch and walks over to the window. I watch as her curious expression turns to excitement when she realizes that he's home. Everything in me wants to run out there and hug him and welcome him home, but I know I can't. I stand firm as best I can.
"Hey guys, Ice is home!" Emma screams and runs to the door. Just then the door opens and she literally jumps in his arms. I watch him hold her tight and wait for them to finish their reunion.
Then I casually walk over to him. He releases Emma and turns to me and says, "Hey, sweetheart."
He holds out his arms and just like it is the most natural thing, I walk into them. Why does this feel so right?
He says, "I told you I'd be back."
"Yes, you did! But I have to say, even though we knew you were alive, I found it hard to believe until I actually saw you!" I reply. There is tension in the room and I realize that perhaps I overstepped. To lighten the mood, I take my right hand and hit him hard on the arm. "Don't you ever scare me like that again!" I scold.
"Yes, ma'am," Caden replies. "Is dinner ready yet? I'm starved," he adds.
"Not yet, but I'll get working on it right away," I reply. Just as I turn to go back toward the kitchen I see the look on Emma's face. She can fucking see right through me and suddenly I'm embarrassed. She has got to know that he will never have the same feelings for me that he has for her. He would never cheat on her. And I know, in time, I will no longer struggle with my feelings for him. It's only been a couple of weeks and already it's getting better. But fuck. I thought he was dead, then I was told that he was alive, but I haven't seen him since he left me the day the clubhouse blew up…what does she expect? Of course I'm a mess of mixed-up emotions.
We are all talking and carrying on when Ari comes downstairs. She says, "What is going on out here? You guys make more noise than the sex-crazed women at a Maroon 5 concert!" We stop talking and look at her. When she realizes that Ice is home, she screams and runs into his arms. "Caden! You're home!"
"Hey, doll face! How's my best girl?" I love to watch him and Ari interact. He is such a great brother to her and I still revel in the fact that he has raised her since she was twelve. Ice is still talking with Ari when I see Emma hold her hand in front of her mouth and run from the room and up the stairs. Just as I'm about to follow her to make sure she's ok, Ice walks by me and says, "I got this Honey, thanks." I nod and step aside so that he can continue up the steps.
A few minutes later, Ice and Emma come back down. I look at her closely and I know. She has a glow about her—and combined with the sudden sickness, it can only be one thing. I watch her pick at her food throughout dinner and when she excuses herself and says that she is still not feeling well, I know my assumptions are correct. Emma is pregnant.
As soon as I realize that, the memories begin coming back. I fight to keep them at bay. No. No. No. Please God, I can’t think about that now! I plead with my brain, but it doesn’t work.
I’ve been in New York now for almost a month and I know that I am pregnant. I’ve been experiencing all the symptoms for the last couple of weeks and yesterday the doctor confirmed my worst fear. This can’t be happening to me…but it is. There is no question as to what I plan to do. The abortion is scheduled for tomorrow.
My heart begins to ache as I remember that awful day.
I arrive at the doctor’s office and they begin the procedure. They are doing a medical abortion, not surgical, and I am thankful for that. First they have to perform a sonogram to determine that the pregnancy is viable, which it is. Now they can proceed. They give me a methotrexate injection, and the minute it goes into my arm, I feel as if I am on death row getting a lethal injection. I guess that’s really what this is, but unfortunately it doesn’t kill me, just my unborn child. They send me home with some antibiotics. I really don’t feel any different, other than the fact that there is nothing left of my heart.
I can’t stop the tears that are now falling down my cheeks.
I go back five days later to get the next lethal dose. They give me miso-something, but they also refer to it as MTX. It’s an odd name for something so deadly. They tell me that this will trigger contractions and that they could happen within a few hours or several days. I pray that it only takes a few hours and for once in my life, God answers my prayers. Three hours later the contractions begin. I know my baby is already dead. I can’t stop crying. I feel dead inside. Once the fetus—I can’t call it a baby anymore—is expelled, I’m sent home with more antibiotics. I have to come back in seven days for a final exam.
I fucking hate it when I get so emotional. It was just an injection and some pills and my child was gone. But it was the worst two weeks of my life and I still suffer from the emotional damage of what I had done.
How can a simple procedure be so life-altering?
Chapter 14
The next morning, I'm downstairs getting coffee when Ice comes down. I look up and smile and ask, "How's Emma feeling?"
He shakes his head. "Not so good. I expect her to stay in bed most of the day. I told her if she isn't better tomorrow, she's going to the doctor."
He looks really worried. I want to tell him what I think—no, not what I think, what I know—but it's not my place.
I try to picture him as a father. I think about how he has raised his sister, how strong he is for everyone he's responsible for. Even though he's done some questionable things, I think he is a good man. He will make a fantastic father. Suddenly a thought strikes me: I never thought about Ice as the father of my kid. Isn't that normal when you fall in love with someone, you try to picture them as your husband, your kid's father, etc? I never did that. Curious.
"I'll make a batch of chicken soup. Maybe that will help settle her stomach," I say.
"Thanks, dear. Keep an eye on her for me, will ya?" he asks and then turns toward Rebel. "We need to head out soon."
"What for?" Rebel asks.
"'Cause we have shit to do."
"Like what?"
"First of all, we need to call church. We need to get moving on the new clubhouse and move forward with the gun trade. Is that ok with you?" Ice has that sarcastic tone in his voice and Rebel immediately gets it.
"Hey man, I didn't mean …"
Ice is clearly pissed, and he cuts Rebel off. "Then don't fucking ask ‘like what?' when I say we have shit to do!"
That's one thing I have learned over the years, do your best never to piss Ice off. Being on his shit list is not a good place to be.
"Yes, sir!" Rebel replies.
Ice's phone rings and he and Rebel step out of the kitchen as he takes the call. About twenty minutes later, Ice comes back into the kitchen.
"Would you like some breakfast?" I ask him.
I get another one of his panty-dropping smiles and he replies, "Naw, darl'n, I'm good."
I get up from the table and pour myself another cup of coffee. When I turn around, he's gone. Oh well, he must have been in a hurry. I take a sip of my coffee and then decide I need to get started on the soup.
Several hours later, Emma walks into the kitchen. I say, "Well, there is our little sleepyhead. How are you feeling, hun?"
"A little better. Have I been sleeping all day?" she asks, confused.
"You have. Whatever bug you got, it has totally wiped you out. I made you some chicken soup. Are ya hungry?"
"I'm sorry, Honey, but I don't
think I can eat anything right now. But I would love some ginger ale if we have some."
"We don't, darl'n, but let me shoot a text to Ice to pick some up for you. The boys are on their way back. He texted a few minutes ago to let me know that Hawk would be joining us for dinner." I pull out my phone and send the text.
"Can I help you with anything?" she asks.
"No way, baby doll, you are not well. You just sit your pretty little self down and relax. I got this." I pause and then add, "And just so you know, Ice gave me strict orders: if you are not better by tomorrow, you are going to the doctor."
"Yeah, he told me," she says, defeated.
A little over an hour later, the boys return. Rebel gets back first, Ice and Hawk come in not long after. Ice greets Emma and then goes into the kitchen to get her a glass of ginger ale and takes it back out to her.
When dinner is ready we all sit down to eat. I notice that Emma still isn't eating. "Do we happen to have any saltines?" she asks.
"We sure do," I reply. I rummage through one of the cabinets and produce a box of crackers and put them on the table in front of her. The saltines will help settle her stomach, especially if she is experiencing morning sickness. Suddenly I feel like a mother bear and want to protect her. I swear these changing emotions are driving me crazy. I wish I could control them. I wish the jealousy wouldn't creep its way in, but luckily right now, it's gone. I'm pleased when I see that she has eaten all her soup.
After dinner, everyone goes into the family room to hang out and visit. I stay in the kitchen and clean up. Emma and Ari insist on helping, but I shoo them both away. I need some me time. Cleaning is therapy for me. The time alone will give me the opportunity to sort through all these conflicting emotions that I am having.