by Cecil, Amy
“Yes. After doing some time in rehab, I came back to town. I ran into Ice my first day back and he offered me a job and a place to live. It was the easy answer and so I jumped on it.”
“So the MC is good to you?”
“Yes, they are.”
“I got married last year.” He looks down at his wedding band. “She’s a wonderful woman and I love her deeply. So I guess everything worked out.”
“No, Jack, it didn’t.”
He gives me a curious glance. “What do you mean?”
Now comes the hardest part. But I’ve got him here and I told myself I would tell him everything. If I am ever going to move on, I have to follow through. I take another deep breath and say, “There is one last thing that you need to know.”
“What’s done is done. There is no reason to rehash what might have been or what you did or what I did. We’ve both moved on.”
“No, Jack, you don’t understand.” I look down at my hands as the tears begin to fall.
When he realizes that I am crying, he reaches for my hands, which are folded and intertwined with each other on the table. “Amanda, what is it?”
The concern in his voice breaks my heart; it tells me he still cares about me. I will never understand why. But I also know that he will never forgive me if I go on. If I don’t say anything, he will never find out. He really doesn’t need to know, does he? And then the hard voice of reason speaks to me and tells me what I already know. You have to do this if you ever want to move on and live your life. You will never be happy if you don’t. And the voice is absolutely right.
“Jack, about a month after I got to New York, I found out that I was pregnant.”
He shakes his head. “Why are you telling me this, Amanda? You had left me. Do you really think that I expected you to be faithful to me?”
“You don’t understand. I hadn’t been with anyone after you for a very long time.” I grin ruefully and say, “Actually, it was about a year ago, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make.”
When the realization hits him, his eyes shine with eager brightness. His smile is heartbreaking. Beaming, he says, “Are you telling me that I have a son … or a daughter? Amanda, do we?”
I can’t stop crying. My heart broke when I killed my child and now it is breaking all over again as I’m about to tell its father that I killed him or her. How do I tell him that I have no idea if it was a boy or a girl? How do I tell him that I don’t know who it looked like, or if it was a good baby or fussy? I will never know because I didn’t have the courage to fight for my child.
Finally I say, “No, Jack, we don’t.”
He looks confused. “I don’t understand.”
“Jack, my state of mind at the time, it was off the charts. I …”
He doesn’t let me finish and interrupts, “Oh God, Amanda … tell me you didn’t.”
I’m so ashamed. I can’t look at him. I can’t even respond. My silence is confirmation of his worst fear, and he says, “God damn you, Amanda. How could you?”
I still can’t respond. I have no words, because nothing can tell him why I did what I did and nothing can describe to him how I feel. No words can even begin to touch the surface of my heartbreak.
“I can’t even look at you,” he says and then he gets up from the booth. He throws some money down on the table and then turns and walks toward the door. When he gets to the door he glances back at me and shakes his head in disgust. Turning back, he opens the door and leaves.
It’s done. I really thought it would make me feel better once I told him, but I don’t feel any better. Actually, I feel much worse. Will this ache ever go away? Every time I think about the abortion the memories make my heart ache. I relive that pain over and over again. Will it ever stop?
Chapter 19
It's been several days since Briggs and I had lunch. I have not heard from him regarding our conversation and to my knowledge, nobody has heard from him about the mystery stalker. Emma is starting to relax and I am glad to see it. I know it is early in her pregnancy, but she doesn't need to be getting herself worked up.
Today, Emma and I are having our girls’ day out. I'm so excited; we’re going shopping, going to the spa, etc. What more could a girl ask for? Then after that, tonight will be my first real date with Hawk.
I'm sitting at the kitchen table having coffee with Spike and Dbag when Emma comes down. She plops her purse down on the table, looks at me, and says, "Are you ready for our big day?"
Before I can answer, Spike asks, "What big day?"
She replies nonchalantly, "Honey and I are having a girl's day out today—hair, nails, makeup. The works."
"Oh, hell no!" Spike replies.
"What do you mean?"
"You ladies are NOT going out shopping and doing girly shit today. Hawk told you both to stay put!"
"We weren't planning on going alone."
"I'm not having a spa day with you girls. That would be emotional suicide for a guy like me!"
"It won't be that bad. What do you think, Dbag?" she asks teasingly.
"It sounds like fun," he says.
Spike looks over at him and says, "You're such a fucking pussy! We're not going! And that's final!"
Emma looks at me and I know exactly what she wants. I get up from my chair and together we walk over to Spike and flank him. As we place our arms around him, she asks, "But Spike, you wouldn't disappoint us, would you?" Then she adds, "Honey has a hot date with your VP tonight. You want her to look especially pretty for him, don't you?"
"It's not working, Emma. Your attempts to unman me are not gonna get me to change my mind. I said no and I mean no!" he replies.
And then Emma totally takes me by surprise and plays the old lady card. "Maybe I should remind you, Spike, that I'm Ice's old lady. You know, your club prez? I think he would be very disappointed in you if he knew you weren't willing to take his woman and her friend to the spa and shopping."
"He would agree with me if he knew about the threats," he says defensively. He's absolutely right. I have to chuckle to myself.
"But he doesn't know, does he? And Hawk won't let me tell him, so sweetie, it appears to me that if you don't take us where we want to go today, you're screwed."
Spike shakes his head in defeat. I can see that he knows he has no way out of this. "People are so wrong about bikers. They fear them when they should fear their fucking old ladies. They're the dangerous ones," Spike says.
Emma and I have a blast on our girl's day out. We start at the spa with facials, mani-pedis, and massages. Once we are all prettied up, we hit the stores, have lunch, and then return home. The boys are great sports about it all and there are even times that I think they're actually enjoying themselves, although they would never admit it.
Spike pulls into the driveway and turns the car off. We all get out of the car and walk toward the trunk. Spike opens it up and begins handing packages to Dbag as Emma and I turn the corner to head to the front door. As we approach the front porch, Emma stops dead in her tracks. When I look up at the porch, I see a basket and the fucking lid is moving.
"What the fuck is that, Emma?"
"I don't know, but I saw the lid move. There is something inside that basket, and I'm not going to be the one to find out what it is." We both back away from the steps slowly and I call as calmly as I can, "Spike?"
As he and Dbag come around the corner with all our packages, he says, "What's up, doll?"
Emma points to the steps and says, "That. There's another note. And there is something alive in that basket."
Spike walks up to the basket slowly. Just as he's about to remove the lid of the basket, we all hear the rattle. Holy fucking shit, there's a snake in that basket. Emma begins to hyperventilate and I go over to her to help her breathe.
Spike and Dbag both draw their guns and fire on the basket. The hail of gunfire destroys the basket and reveals the snake, still twitching, lying dead within the remnants of the basket. We wait for the m
uscle reflex to stop.
"A fucking rattlesnake!" Spike yells. "This asshole isn't just trying to scare you, he's trying to fucking kill you!" He walks over and grabs the note. Opening the note, he reads out loud:
Enjoy your shopping and the spa today?
I hope so because before long you will soon realize that you can run.
But you can't hide.
When your biker boyfriend returns from Ireland
Your day will come.
Holy fuck, this guy is not playing around.
Once we are inside the house and the snake is disposed of, Emma goes straight upstairs to her room.
"What's up with her?" Spike asks.
"I don't know, but I am gonna make damn sure to find out," I reply and I march up the stairs after her. I get to the doorway of her room as she is pulling a bag out of the closet. I stand there unnoticed as she begins to grab clothes from the dresser drawers and quickly stuffs them in the bag.
"Whatcha doing?" I ask.
"What's it look like?"
"You're leaving?"
"Yes."
"And where, may I ask, are you going?"
"Away."
"Not good enough. Where are you going?"
"Ireland!"
"Emma, you can't. Ice will be so fucking pissed if you show up there. It's club business; you can't get in the middle of it. You know the rules."
"Honey, I really appreciate the rules and all, and I've done everything I can to abide by them. But now I have my child to worry about. That rattlesnake on the front porch changed the rules for me. I'm going somewhere where I'll feel safe. I'm going to the one man that grounds me. The only man that makes me feel truly protected. If that pisses him off, then so be it."
"You shouldn't travel alone. What if this person follows you?"
"I'm not traveling alone."
"Who's going with you?" I ask curiously.
"Ari."
"What?! Not only will Ice be pissed that you have flown to Ireland, he will be furious that you brought Ari along as well!"
"I don't think you hear me. I don't care. I'm leaving and that's final."
"Then I'm going, too!"
"Like hell you are!"
"You can't stop me! If it is ok for Ari to go, then I see no reason why I can't go."
"What the fuck, Honey? This isn't a party. This isn't a girl's trip to Europe."
"I know that! I'm not stupid, Emma. But you're going to need all the help you can get if this person follows you. It's better to have reinforcements. It's better to have Ari and me!"
She gives me a disgusted look and says in defeat, "I'm not gonna win this argument, am I?"
"Nope!"
"Fine. And I suppose I am paying for the tickets as well," she teases.
"Well … I was kinda hoping that you would offer."
She shakes her head. "I'll get the tickets booked. Hopefully, we can be on a flight in a day or two. Make sure you're ready to go." She pauses and then adds, "And Honey, not a word about this to Hawk or any of the boys."
"You're not going to tell him?" Oh fuck, I can't wait to see her pull this one off.
"Absolutely not. He would lock us up before he would let us leave. Not a word!"
"My lips are sealed," I say as I turn to leave. Guess I've got some packing to do.
"And Honey?"
I turn back. "Yes?"
"Have a good time on your date tonight."
"You think I should still go?" I ask.
"Absolutely. Everything should continue as normal. Nothing should alarm Hawk or any of them that we're up to something. Got it?"
"Yep, I got it," I say and turn and leave the room.
It's 6:30 pm and I am ready to go. Emma helped me get ready and if I have to say so myself, I look damn good. Hawk should be here any minute and I am just sitting in my room nervous as hell waiting for him.
A few minutes later, Emma comes up and says, "Hawk is here."
"Oh fuck."
"Honey, stop. You are gonna have a great time." She pauses and then adds, "Now stop worrying and get your ass downstairs. Your big bad biker awaits."
I laugh and make my way to the door. Taking one last glance at myself in the mirror, I turn and walk out. Here goes.
I come down the stairs and find Hawk pacing. I have to giggle; he's nervous too. It's not like this is a blind date, but we are both acting like it. When he catches a glimpse of me coming down the stairs, he says, "Look at you. You look beautiful," and walks over and kisses me on the cheek.
"Thank you. You're looking pretty good yourself," I say.
He smiles and says, "Ready to go?"
"As ready as I'll ever be." I glance back at Emma and she's beaming. It's comical, she's acting like a mom sending her daughter on her first date. I turn back and follow Hawk out of the house.
Instead of his bike, Hawk has the club SUV. We get in and he heads toward Erie.
"So, where are we going?" I ask.
"Mi Scuzi." He pauses and then adds, "Is that ok?"
"Of course." Mi Scuzi is one of the top restaurants in Erie; it’s almost impossible to get a reservation. "How did you get a reservation so quickly?"
"Being the VP of a biker club has its privileges." He laughs and I join in.
Once we get to the restaurant the maître d' escorts us to our table. It's in a quiet corner and very romantic. We sit and Hawk says, "I hope this is alright."
"Will you stop? Everything is perfect, Hawk," I reply.
We have a wonderful dinner; they serve some of the most amazing food I have ever eaten. Once the initial awkwardness passes, we fall into easy conversation and things seem a bit more normal. He mentions something about going out again on Sunday and before I answer, I realize that I'm gonna be in Ireland on Sunday. But, obviously, I can't tell him that, so I lie and say, "That would be wonderful."
When we leave, we get in the car and he says, "So, what else would you like to do?"
I laugh. I have a feeling I know what he's hoping for, but frankly, I don't know if I am ready. And, since we are leaving tomorrow, I know that I have packing to do. "Would you mind taking me back to the house?" Seeing the disappointment on his face, I add, "I'm kinda tired." I feel bad, but I can’t tell him why. I'm a little annoyed with Emma right now, because her plan to leave tomorrow is fucking with my date, but in a way, I understand too.
"Sure, Honey. There's always Sunday," he replies.
"Yes, there is," I say encouragingly.
Chapter 20
The next day, from Gate 24 of Buffalo Niagara International Airport, Emma makes a call to Hawk. I never thought she would be able to pull this off, but son of a bitch, she did.
I can hear Hawk yelling through the phone. Then Emma replies, "I'm calling to tell you that Honey, Ari, and I are safe. We're in Buffalo at the airport, about to board a plane." Then there is more yelling from Hawk, and then Emma says, "We're going to Ireland." And some more yelling. "Sorry, Hawk, but that's not gonna happen." She pauses then adds, "I love you—really, I do. And I know you're doing everything to keep me safe. But you have a club to run and Ice is counting on you."
The yelling seems to have subsided and Emma is listening. Then she replies, "No, he is not. I'll make sure of that. This decision was mine and mine alone. I can't put you all in danger again. Not after all the turmoil you all went through because of me in the last few weeks. That rattlesnake was the last straw. Anyone could've been bitten. I'm not taking any more chances. I'll be safe in Ireland and I'll be with Caden. I need him, Hawk. Once he finds out about all the threats he will be glad that I'm with him and not here where he can't protect me."
She's quiet again and then looks at both Ari and me. "My initial plan was to go alone. It's a long story, but they both insisted that they go with me. They really didn't give me much of a choice,"
Just then, I hear over the intercom, "This is the final boarding call for Aer Lingus flight 3784 to Belfast. All passengers, please board immediately."
Emma
says, "Hawk, I need to go. They just announced the final boarding call for our flight."
I tug on her arm and say, "Let me talk to him."
"Hang on, Honey wants to talk to you." She hands me the phone.
"Hey," I say into the phone.
"Have you lost your ever-loving mind? You know better, Honey," he yells.
"Yes, I know better," I reply.
"I swear you fucking girls are gonna be the death of me yet. You're gonna give me a fucking heart attack. Is that what you want?"
"Hawk baby, calm down. I'll look after them. No worries. I've got this."
He finally stops yelling and says, "If you say so. Doesn't look I have much of a choice in the matter, now does it? Put Emma back on." I hand Emma her phone back and say, "He's better now."
She takes the phone and says, "Hawk, we really need to go. I'll let you know when we get to Belfast."
She listens for a minute and says, "I will," then disconnects the line.
She looks over at Ari and me and says, "That went well," and we all bust out laughing as we proceed to board our plane.
We get ourselves settled on the plane. Emma purchased first class tickets and I have to say, it's really nice. I've never been on a plane before and I'm a little nervous, but I don't tell the girls that. I've always been the one to ground both of them and I refuse to let them know that I'm a little scared right now. Emma is sitting next to me by the window and Ari is in the middle section of the plane across the aisle from me. Once everyone is on the plane, they close the door and a few minutes later, the plane begins to move away from the gate. Here goes...
Taking off is a rush. The thought of something so big lifting off the ground and flying into the air amazes me. Part of me wishes I had the window seat so I could watch, but the part of me that is still a little shaky about flying is glad that I am sitting on the aisle. Once we reach our cruising altitude—I only know that terminology because the pilot just announced it—Emma takes out a book and begins to read. I brought a book too, so I reach under the seat in front of me to get my backpack and pull my book out as well. Ari gets a set of headphones from the flight attendant and starts watching a movie. The screen is in the back of the seat in front of her, so it's like she has her own personal movie theater right there. It's really cool.