by Karen Lynch
“Do you need to throw up again?”
I shook my head weakly, too tired and embarrassed to look at him. I drew my knees up against my chest and rested my head on them. I wasn’t sure where I was going to get the energy to stand and walk back to my room, and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and go to sleep right there on his bathroom floor.
“Here.” I smelled the gunna paste before it touched my lips, and I raised a hand to push it away.
“Trust me; you’ll be glad for it tomorrow.”
It took only the suggestion of the whopping hangover I was going to have in the morning to make me open my mouth and take the horrid paste. I shuddered as I swallowed it. I thought I heard a soft chuckle, but I was too wrapped up in my misery to care.
“Okay, let’s get you off this floor.” Before I could say anything, he picked me up like I weighed nothing and carried me into the other room where he set me down on a soft leather couch. I huddled with my head on the armrest, and I felt the couch dip when he sat at the other end. For several minutes, neither of us spoke and I tried to come up with something to say to him.
“Were you coming to see me?”
I nodded mutely without looking at him.
“And you had to get drunk first?” Was that amusement in his tone? I wanted to make a retort, but I couldn’t after the way he had taken care of me.
“The trainees had a party,” I rasped. My throat was raw from throwing up.
“Were you coming to invite me?” There was no mistaking the humor this time.
“No, I – ” Now that I was here in front of him, I had no idea how to say what needed to be said. More than that, I didn’t want to say it. I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing him again.
“Take your time.”
I couldn’t take my time because then I’d never get it out and he deserved better than that. Be strong and just spit it out. It’s the least you can do for him. “I wanted to let you know that . . . that you’re free. I’m going to break the bond.”
“What?”
I looked up at the shock and anger I heard in his voice. His mouth was set in a straight line, and for several seconds raw hurt glittered in his eyes before he looked away. I bit my lip in confusion. Why was he upset? I was giving him what he wanted.
“I’m sorry. I know I’m handling this all wrong.”
“Don’t apologize,” he said stiffly. “I don’t think there is an easy way to do something like this.”
My throat tightened so painfully I thought I was going to suffocate. Why hadn’t Tristan warned me how much it hurt to break the bond? How your lungs constricted until you could barely breathe, or about the ice that filled your veins until you knew you’d never be warm again. If Nikolas felt half the pain I did right now, it was no wonder he could not look at me.
“This is why you were upset in training today.”
“No, that was something else.” I couldn’t talk about Nate now, not unless I wanted to totally lose it. There was only so much pain I could handle at one time.
He was quiet for a long moment, and when he spoke, his voice sounded cool, distant. “What made you wait until now to tell me? We see each other every day.”
I decided to tell him the truth even if it killed me to say it. “I-I overheard you talking to Tristan tonight. You said you wanted to break the bond.”
His head whipped toward me and his eyes narrowed. “What are you talking about?”
“You told Tristan you were miserable and that you didn’t want this to happen.” I swallowed painfully. “I didn’t mean to listen, and I only heard bits of it. And then Celine said . . . ”
His voice grew hard again. “What did Celine say?”
“She said it wasn’t fair to hold you to a bond you didn’t want, and that you were too honorable to break it.” A fresh wave of misery swept through me and hot tears spilled down my cheeks. I buried my face in my hands, unable to look at him anymore. “I’m s-sorry. I never meant to h-hurt you.”
“Damn it.” Nikolas slid across the couch and pulled me to him, and I went willingly into the comfort of his arms. “Celine had no right to say that to you. And you misunderstood what you heard me say to Tristan. I told him I never wanted you to find out the way you did, and that I would rather you break the bond than see you unhappy because of it.”
“You don’t want to break the bond?” I asked, more confused than ever.
“No.”
My breath caught. What was he saying? “You don’t?”
I felt his body tense slightly. “Do you?”
How did I answer that question? Did I want to explore whatever this was between us? Yes. Was I ready for a forever thing? No. How did I say yes to one and not the other?
“You don’t have to answer right now,” he said tenderly. He was protecting me again, putting my feelings before his own, and his selflessness brought on a fresh bout of tears. His arms tightened around me. “I’m sorry you had to learn about it all this way. The last thing I wanted was for you to get hurt.”
Minutes passed before I could compose myself to speak again. “Why didn’t you tell me about the bond back in New Hastings?”
“If I’d told you the truth back then, you never would have come here, and I needed you to be safe.” His voice was thick with emotion, making him sound vulnerable for the first time since I met him.
“Tristan told me the bond makes you overprotective. Maybe you would feel different if we broke it. You wouldn’t have to worry about me all the time.” I didn’t want to suggest it, but I didn’t want to be his weakness either.
He pulled me closer until my head was tucked under his chin and his warmth chased away the chill that had invaded my body. I closed my eyes and let his familiar scent fill my nose. “I’ll always care about you. Don’t you know that by now?”
I nodded against his chest.
“What are you thinking?” he pressed gently. “Talk to me.”
“I don’t know what to think anymore,” I whispered hoarsely. “I mean, we’ve been fighting since we met, and I know you weren’t exactly happy to meet me in the first place. My life is a mess and I’ll never be a warrior like . . . Celine.” The other woman’s name left a sour taste in my mouth, but I had to put it out there. I would never be glamorous or sultry or whatever it was that men liked about Celine. I didn’t want to be any of those things. I might be confused about a lot of things in my life but I was also happy with who I was. What if Nikolas wanted something I wasn’t and he didn’t realize it until it was too late?
“Sara, I don’t want you to be like Celine.”
“But how do you know what you want? How do you know if what you feel comes from you or from a Mori thing you have no control over?” I wanted to ask him what the bond felt like to him, to help me understand my own emotions, but I couldn’t put the question into words.
I felt him sigh. “My Mori and I share our minds and emotions, but I always know the difference.”
“I’m so confused. I don’t understand any of this. It’s like I have no control over my life anymore. I’m scared.” How did I explain that it wasn’t being with him that frightened me? That the bond would change us and I was afraid of losing me, who I was?
His hand began to stroke my hair. “I felt the same way at first.”
“You were scared?” I couldn’t keep the disbelief from my voice.
He chuckled softly. “It scared the hell out of me when I saw you in that club and felt something between us. I’d never experienced anything like it, and I wasn’t prepared to feel that way for anyone, let alone an orphan I found in a bar. I wanted to stay with you and get far away from you at the same time. I tried to leave, but I couldn’t. And when I saw you in the hands of that vampire . . . ”
A small shudder passed through him, and I laid a hand against his chest. After a minute, I felt him relax again.
“You said you were confused and scared at first. You aren’t anymore?” I held my breath while I waited for his answer. I
desperately wanted to know what he was feeling, where he saw this thing between us going.
“No, I’m not. Yes, it started with my Mori in that bar, but it wasn’t long before I realized there was more to you than you let people see. You drove me nuts when you were so stubborn and reckless, and you have an uncanny ability to find trouble. At the same time, I couldn’t help but admire your independent spirit and how fiercely protective you were of your friends. You were an untrained orphan with no apparent abilities, standing your own against a Mohiri warrior while defending two werewolves and a troll. You were something to behold. I didn’t want to feel anything more than responsibility for you, but you made it impossible not to.”
His admission left me reeling. Nikolas had never opened himself up to me this way, and his words rang with sincerity. He was telling me that it was me and not my Mori he had been drawn to, and he didn’t sound like a man who was being pulled into something against his will. My world shifted to fit this new reality where Nikolas and I were more than friends. We were past that place now, and there would be no going back. I didn’t want to go back.
“I felt something too when we met. It was like I knew you somehow even though we’d never met. My life was turned upside-down that night in more ways than one. Then you came to see me and I resented you for telling me what I was and for changing everything. I did some pretty stupid things and I hated that you were right about them. I hated that you wouldn’t go away and let me be the way I used to be. I thought you were arrogant and bossy and determined to drive me insane.”
He leaned down to say in a husky voice, “If this is a declaration of love, I’m not getting a warm fuzzy feeling about it.”
“I’m not finished,” I blurted, totally flustered. He just had to use the L-word. I was so not ready to go there yet. “Even when I was angry at you, I knew everything you did was to protect me and I always felt safe with you. It was strange. I didn’t trust people easily, but I trusted you almost immediately. But I don’t think it was until that day at the cliff, before you showed up, that I realized I felt something more. I was alone and expecting to die, and all I could think about was the people I’d never see again. I thought about you.” I took a deep breath. “And . . . I did miss you when you left me here, and it hurt because I thought you were glad to be free of me.”
“I shouldn’t have left the way I did. I should have waited a few days for you to settle in and told you I was leaving for a while.”
“What do we do now . . . about this, us?”
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. I mean . . . ” I took a minute to think about what I wanted to say. “When Tristan told me about the bond, I was upset that you kept it from me, and I admit I kind of freaked. Don’t take this the wrong way after what we just shared, but we’ve only known each other for a few months. I like you a lot, but how are we supposed to know if we want to spend forever together. Forever is a long time.” I groaned inwardly. God, how lame am I?
“You like me a lot?” he asked in a teasing voice.
My faced burned, and I was glad it was hidden in his shirt. “Sometimes.”
He stroked my hair again. “Forever is a long time, but we don’t have to think about that right now. Let’s just take it slow and see what happens. Just promise you’ll talk to me if you have questions or doubts instead of listening to other people.”
“I promise,” I said hoarsely.
“Good. Now, do you want to tell me what was bothering you in training today if it wasn’t this?”
“Nate can’t come for Thanksgiving.” I told him about my call from Nate yesterday, and his hand moved down to rub my back comfortingly.
“I’m sorry. I know how much you were looking forward to his visit.”
“It won’t be the same without him.” I sniffed back another round of tears. “God, I can’t stop crying tonight.”
“Then it’s a good thing my shirts don’t shrink when they get wet,” he said, making me smile.
I hiccupped and Nikolas laughed softly. He shifted slightly, and his lips brushed the top of my head. My heart swelled and I wrapped my arms around him. For the first time in a long time, I felt no anxiety or fear. I had no idea what was going to happen tomorrow or next week, but right now I felt warm and happy. My Mori sighed softly, and I realized I had never sensed it being this quiet and content.
“Do you feel better?” Nikolas asked, his hand rubbing my back in soothing circles that were making me sleepy.
“Yes, but I’m never touching tequila again.”
His chest rumbled with laughter. “If I’d known you were going on a drinking binge, I would have told you that Faeries have very little tolerance for human alcohol, unlike the rest of us. Looks like you inherited that trait from your Fae family.”
“Great, now you tell me. Some trainer you are.”
“Actually a good trainer lets you make mistakes at first so you learn never to repeat them.”
I made a face even though he couldn’t see it. “Then you are the best trainer ever.”
Nikolas chuckled. “How did you ever get by without me?”
“I have no idea.”
Chapter 19
I AWOKE SLOWLY inside a deliciously warm cocoon that I never wanted to leave. Blissfully happy, I sighed and snuggled against the source of the warmth.
“Good morning.”
It took several seconds for the voice to register in my brain. My eyes shot open and the first thing I saw was sunlight pouring through a window. The second thing was the wide chest beneath my cheek. I blinked a few times, trying to clear my muddled head, and I soon wished I hadn’t when I realized where I was and, more importantly, whom I was sprawled across.
“Morning,” I mumbled, too embarrassed to move.
A hand moved against my back. “How do you feel?” Nikolas asked in a husky morning voice that made my stomach quiver.
Last night came rushing back, and I remembered every humiliating detail of my time on his bathroom floor, followed by our conversation and him holding me on the couch. What I did not remember was falling asleep or how I had ended up in my current position.
“Good,” I said hoarsely. “Considering.”
“Considering the gallon of alcohol you threw up, you mean?” I didn’t need to see his face to know he was smiling. I scowled at his chest. Good to know one of us was enjoying this.
“Ugh, don’t remind me.” I pushed away from him and sat up, unable to meet his eyes. Smoothing my hair back from my face, I wondered how things would be between us now. Emotions had run high last night, and we’d said too much, shared too much, for us to go back to the relationship we’d had a day ago. I was happy with that, but I had no idea how Nikolas felt in the light of day.
“Are you going to look at me?”
“I hadn’t planned on it.”
He laughed softly and sat up. “You know you can’t avoid me forever.”
I focused on the blue sky outside the window. “What makes you think I can’t?”
“Because you like me . . . a lot.”
My face grew hot and I turned to glare at him, but whatever I was going to say was forgotten when I took in his tousled hair, warm eyes, and sensual smile. My stomach did a somersault, and my only thought was that I wanted to go back and wake up in his arms all over again.
His smile grew as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. “See, that didn’t take long.”
“Shut up,” I retorted, and he laughed again.
He put a hand through his dark hair, and my insides squeezed again. It was so unfair for him to look this good in the morning when I probably looked like crap, especially after last night. And I didn’t even want to think about what my breath must smell like. I could probably take down a vampire just by breathing on him.
“Are you okay?” he asked with more seriousness. “With us?” The uncertainty in his eyes made me want to hug him. God, one night on the couch with him and I was a sentimental mess.
I nodded. “Are you . . . okay with it?”
“Yes.” His smile was so tender, I suddenly felt shy.
I got to my feet. “Excuse me; I need to use your bathroom and about a bottle of mouthwash.”
He smirked. “Help yourself.”
Standing before the bathroom mirror, I grimaced at my tangled hair and puffy eyes. I splashed cold water on my face and did my best to comb through my hair with my fingers. Nikolas’s brush lay on a shelf, but it felt too intimate to use his personal things.
Yeah, because using him for a bed wasn’t personal at all.
I was gargling my second mouthful of mouthwash when I heard a knock on the outer door, followed by male voices. The last thing I wanted was for someone to know I had spent the night here with Nikolas. I quietly spat out the mouthwash and wiped my mouth with a towel, waiting for his visitor to leave.
I did not expect the knock on the bathroom door. “Sara, do you mind coming out here for a minute?” Nikolas called through the door.
Oh crap! Nikolas wouldn’t expose me to gossip so that meant there was only one person who could be out there with him. “Sure,” I said nervously and smoothed my hair again before I opened the door.
Tristan stood in the living room, looking equal parts worried and angry as he took in my disheveled appearance. At least my wrinkled clothes were evidence that I had slept in them. I glanced at Nikolas’s tousled hair and bare feet that suggested he had just woken up. Seeing us together, I could only imagine what Tristan thought.
“Nothing happened,” I blurted out. “I got drunk and Nikolas took care of me. That’s it.”
He nodded, but his expression did not change. “Nikolas already explained it to me, and I told him he should have brought you back to your own room or to my apartment down the hall.”
Nikolas smiled, completely unfazed by Tristan’s scolding. “And I told him that whatever transpires between the two of us is no one’s business but ours.”
“Sara is not yet eighteen, Nikolas, and her uncle trusts me to take care of her. That includes her virtue and – ”