by Marie Force
You feel like holding my breath for too long
It feels wrong, it feels wrong
And you taste like defiance on the tip of my tongue
I feel young, I feel young
Pink sky, blue clouds
Where are you now? Where are you now?
Mallory immediately loved the vibe of the song, especially the lyric, “You look like how the Fourth of July made me feel.”
Everyone loved the song and applauded enthusiastically when Evan played the final notes.
“You think we can get that one recorded this summer?” he asked Josh.
“My studio is your studio.”
“Did I hear a reference to Angela Chase in that song?” Mallory asked.
“You sure did,” Evan replied. “That was Grace’s contribution.”
“‘My So-Called Life’ ruled my universe back in the day,” Grace said.
“Mine, too!” Mallory said. “I devoured that show!”
“I’ve never even heard of it,” Stephanie said.
“Oh my God,” Grace said. “Two words: Jared. Leto.”
“One more word,” Mallory added. “Netflix.”
“I’m on it,” Stephanie said.
Evan continued to play while the others began to chat again.
Hailey toddled past Mallory, tripping on her own feet. Mallory lunged forward to save the little girl from falling and ended up with her niece cuddled up to her, thumb in her mouth, eyes heavy and sleepy.
“She’s adorable,” Quinn said.
“We like her.”
“How old is she?”
“She’ll be two in July.” Mallory had long ago committed the birthdays of the little ones to memory and was working on trying to remember all the other ones, too.
“You want one of your own?”
Startled by the question, she looked over at him. “Might be too late for me.”
“You and I both know it’s not too late if everything still works.”
“It still works, but I haven’t thought about having kids of my own in years.” Not since her husband died so young and so suddenly, she thought, but didn’t share that with him. She didn’t have to. She could see that he understood what she meant. “What about you?”
He shrugged. “Never even came close to that, but you never know what might happen. I wouldn’t say no to a little cutie like Hailey.”
Imagining him holding his own little girl made her heart do a funny lunging thing that left her breathless and aroused. For God’s sake. How did he do that to her with words alone?
“You want to get out of here?” he asked in a low tone that only she could hear.
“No, I do not want to ‘get out of’ my sister’s home.”
His face lifted into a sexy half smile. “Poor choice of words. Let me rephrase. Would you like to go somewhere that we can be alone? Is that better?”
Mallory had to restrain the urge to squirm in her seat. Yes, she wanted to be alone with him. Very much so. But she was still concerned about too much too soon with him. “I thought we agreed to slow it down.”
“We did.”
“Soooo…”
“Are you planning to jump me the second we’re alone?”
“No!” Maybe.
“All right, then. Nothing to worry about.”
Despite the casual way he said that, Mallory suspected she had everything in the world to be worried about where he was concerned.
Chapter 16
Needing a breather from the crowd on the deck, Adam went into the kitchen to get a beer, popped it open and drank half of it in one big gulp before catching himself. Getting wasted wouldn’t fix anything, even if it would take his mind off his problems for a few hours. He was tempted until he thought of Abby at home alone, hiding out while she licked a new set of wounds. Adam had wanted to stay home with her, but she’d insisted he come to welcome Evan and Grace home.
He leaned against the counter, looking down at the floor, wishing he could wave a magic wand and make the terrible ache he and Abby were both feeling go away.
“What’s wrong, Adam?” his mother asked when she came into the kitchen. He had no doubt that she’d come looking for him. “And don’t say it’s nothing when I can clearly see it’s something.”
Resigned to having to share their devastating news with his family, Adam said, “Abby and I heard from the fertility specialist who saw her last week. She basically told us it’s never going to happen the old-fashioned way, even with fertility treatment.”
“Oh no,” Linda said on a long exhale. “I’m so sorry.”
Shrugging, he said, “It is what it is, but it’s a bitter pill for Abby to swallow.”
“And you. It is for you, too.”
“I’m far more concerned about her than I am about me. Every time we get bad news about her health, she withdraws so deep into herself that I can’t reach her no matter how hard I try.”
“Is that why she didn’t come tonight?”
He nodded. “It’s hard for her to be around the baby boom knowing it’ll never happen for her.”
“That’s totally understandable.”
“It’s not that she doesn’t love all the kids—the ones we already have and the ones on the way.”
“I know that, Adam.” She came to stand next to him, curling her hands around his arm and resting her head on his shoulder. “You don’t even have to say it.”
“Can I say something totally selfish, and do you promise to never repeat it?”
“Of course to both.”
“I can feel this situation changing her, and I’m so afraid the changes are permanent. She’s remote, as if she’s sealed off her heart, and she hardly ever smiles or jokes, and she…” She recoiled from his touch, not that he could tell his mother that. “She’s not herself.”
“And she won’t be for a while, not until she finds a way to deal with this news and to figure out a new way forward. It’s a blow, Adam, especially to someone who wants children as badly as she always has.”
“It makes me feel like shit that I can’t give her the one thing she wants more than anything.”
“It’s not your fault, and it’s not hers. The universe has a different plan in mind for you two.”
“I hope it’s okay to say I’m a little pissed off at the universe right now.”
“It’s okay, and this too shall pass. You two are going to be marvelous parents someday. I know that in my heart of hearts. It may not happen the way you planned, but it will happen.”
Her certainty made him feel a tiny bit better. “I should probably get home. I don’t like to leave her alone for too long when she’s so down.”
“Be patient with her, honey. She’ll come around, and she’ll remember that you didn’t ask for more than she could give you at this difficult time. I’ll never forget the way Dad was with me after we lost our first baby. He just held me and let me take the lead, and somehow we got through it together.”
“After Mac and Maddie lost Connor, he told me about what happened to you guys. I had no idea.”
“It’s hard to talk about even almost forty years later. One thing I learned from that is things work out the way they’re meant to. If that baby had lived, we wouldn’t have had Mac.”
“And that would be bad?”
She nudged his ribs. “Stop!”
Adam chuckled. “Just kidding.”
“You get what I’m saying.”
“Yeah, I do, and I appreciate the advice. This is a tough one.”
“It’s probably the toughest thing you’ll deal with as a married couple, and your marriage is still very new. Be gentle with each other.”
“I’m trying.”
“That’s all you can do. Be there for her and love her through it.”
“Thanks, Mom.” He finished his beer and set the bottle on the counter. “I’m going to head home.”
“Drive carefully, sweetheart, and let us know if you need anything.”
He hugged and
kissed her. “We will, thanks.” Adam went outside to say his good-byes to the others and drove home thinking about what his mother had said. He knew she was right, and eventually they’d get past the initial shock and despair, but he hoped they still had a marriage left when they got there.
Abby had turned on the outside lights for him at their new A-frame-style home on the island’s west side. The small gesture filled him with an unreasonable feeling of hope that maybe the woman he loved beyond reason was still inside the quiet, remote person she’d become over the last few months. With each new piece of bad or difficult news since she’d been diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome, or PCOS, she’d retreated further into herself, leaving him feeling lonely for her even when she was sitting across from him at dinner or lying next to him in bed.
He went into the house through the garage and noted the flicker of the TV coming from the family room. Abby was curled up on the sofa, her eyes glued to the TV, though he doubted she had any idea what was on.
“Hey,” he said.
“Oh, hi, you’re home. How are Grace and Evan?”
“They’re good. They said to tell you they can’t wait to see you.”
“That’s nice. Glad they’re home safe.” She pulled her feet back so he could sit with her on the sofa.
“Everyone missed you.”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t up for the mob scene tonight.”
“I understand.” He reached for her hand and was encouraged by the way she curled her fingers around his. “Let’s go to bed.”
“Okay,” she said, but with none of the enthusiasm she’d once had for going to bed with him.
She shut off the TV, and he helped her up, leading her through the dark house to the stairs. In the daylight, they had a spectacular view of the water. At night, they could lie in bed and look at the stars through the high windows. They’d both loved the house at first glance, especially the extra bedrooms it had for the children they still hoped to have. What a difference a month could make.
They stood at side-by-side sinks in the master bathroom and brushed their teeth. Abby put on the moisturizer that she applied every night and brushed her long dark hair until it shone like spun silk.
Fuck this shit and the polite silence. Fuck the distance and fuck the bullshit.
The thoughts came one right after the other, and rather than take the time to think through what he should do about them, he acted, taking her into his arms and kissing the stunned expression right off her face. He kissed her until he felt her yield, until she began to kiss him back, until the desperate, grinding feeling that she was slipping away from him began to let up ever so slightly.
Without breaking the kiss, he turned her toward their room and walked her backward until the bed connected with her legs, taking her down and him with her. He kissed her like it was the first time all over again, and he so remembered their first kiss, as if it were yesterday rather than more than a year.
For the longest time, she’d been Grant’s girlfriend and then his ex. It had never occurred to Adam that Abby could be the love of his life. And then he’d run into her on the ferry when both of them were at the lowest point in their lives. After that, it hadn’t taken long to be unable to picture his life without her at the center of it. And damn it, that was where she still belonged.
He kissed her until he was certain she was no longer thinking about doctors or fertility or malfunctioning reproductive organs. Then he moved to her neck, kissing and nibbling on the sensitive skin there.
Her arms encircled his neck, her fingers sinking into the hair he wore a little too long because she liked it that way.
Adam began pulling at her clothes, desperate for more now that he’d had a taste of her sweetness. He could never get enough of her, especially lately when she’d been so hard to reach. No more of that. No more. He helped her out of her T-shirt and cupped her breasts. Normally, he’d want to arouse her to the point of madness before he proceeded to the main event, but tonight he needed the connection more than the madness.
He removed her panties and quickly pulled off his own clothes, the whole time waiting for her to stop him, to say not tonight or give him some other reason why they shouldn’t the way she had so many times recently. Thankfully, she didn’t say anything and held out her arms to welcome him into her embrace when he came down on top of her with nothing between them now but love and need.
What did it say about the state of their marriage that he couldn’t remember the last time they’d made love? That was going to change, starting right now and every night going forward. Things were going to be the way they used to be, back when they were first together and couldn’t keep their hands off each other, before they knew they couldn’t have children, before everything had changed between them.
He took himself in hand and entered her slowly and carefully, giving her time to adjust while watching her face for any sign of distress. But he didn’t see distress when he looked at her. Rather, he saw serenity and a small smile that was another thing he hadn’t seen in a while.
His plan was working. Adam gathered her up into his arms and held her close to him while he made love to her.
“Missed you so much,” he whispered. “I don’t need anything else but for you to be happy.”
She hugged him tighter, moving with him as he moved in her, and for that moment, everything that was wrong felt right once again.
“Love you, Abby. More than you’ll ever possibly know.”
“Love you, too. I’m sorry, Adam.”
He kissed the words off her lips. “Shhh. No apologies. We’re starting over right now, and it all begins right here with us.” Withdrawing from her, he kissed his way down the front of her until he was settled between her legs. He made love to her with his mouth and fingers, paying attention to the subtle changes in her breathing that told him she was close to release.
“Give it to me, sweetheart.” He sucked hard on her clit, keeping it up until she clamped down on his fingers and cried out from the pleasure he gave her. Moving up, he entered her again and drew in a sharp breath at the intense desire he felt every time with her.
She ran her hands down his back to slide over his ass, pulling him deeper into her.
That was all it took to let go of his self-control and give in to the overwhelming pleasure. Afterward, he came down on top of her, breathing hard and more in love with her than he’d ever been.
After a long moment of silence, he said, “That, right there, is what matters. We matter. You and me. Us.” He raised his head and looked down at her, brushing the hair back from her face. “I know you’re heartbroken, and I get it. I really do.”
“I don’t think you can understand being the one who can’t have children, but I know you want to.”
“What I want, Abby, is for our marriage not to be ruined by disappointment. What I want is my wife, with children or without them, I want my wife. I want you.” He used his thumbs to brush aside her tears. “Please don’t do this to me, Abby. Don’t make me have to practically force myself on you to get things back on track.”
“You didn’t do that.”
“That’s how it felt. At first.”
“I made an appointment with Kevin.”
Astounded, Adam stared at her. “You did?”
“Is that okay, him being your uncle and all? It’s not like we have a million therapists to choose from here.”
“It’s fine with me. Of course it is. Whatever you need to feel better.”
“I want to feel better, Adam. I know it might not seem like it, but I do. I hate feeling like this.”
“How, exactly, do you feel? I’d really like to know.”
“Like… Like the world has ended or something.”
“It hasn’t. We still have everything we had before this happened. We haven’t actually lost anything until we lose us.”
“Do you think that’s going to happen?”
“I’ll never, ever, ever let that happen. There is nothing you c
ould do, nothing in this universe that could make me want to be anywhere but right here with you.” He continued to brush back her hair and wipe the tears from her face. “I’ll fight for you and for us with everything I have, but you have to help me, Abby. I can’t do this by myself. Can you help me?”
“I couldn’t do this without you. Don’t let me push you away. Don’t let me get away with it.”
Adam smiled down at her. “I won’t, baby. I promise.”
“We’ve still got it,” she said, returning his smile as she ran her hands over his back.
That got his motor running all over again. As he made love to her a second time, he vowed to keep making love to her, morning, noon and night, if that was what it took to keep disappointment from ruining their marriage.
Chapter 17
After most of the crowd had departed, Mallory stayed to help Janey do the dishes and clean up the kitchen. While she washed, Janey dried. Joe was upstairs trying to get PJ settled for the night. When Mallory insisted on staying to help clean up, Quinn had told her to text him when she was heading home and had left with his brother and sister-in-law.
“Where’s your menagerie tonight?” Mallory asked of Janey’s special-needs pets that no one else had wanted until they’d found a loving home with her.
“In the basement where they can’t get underfoot and steal all the food when no one is looking.” She took a bowl from Mallory and began to dry it. “You really don’t have to do this. We can finish in the morning.”
“I don’t mind at all, unless you want me out of here.”
“Not even kinda. If you go, I’ll have to help Joe. PJ will think it’s playtime, and I won’t get any sleep at all tonight—and sleep is all I want lately.”
“You’re feeling good, though, right?” Mallory had been horrified to hear of the placental abruption Janey had suffered giving birth to PJ. That she might’ve died before Mallory ever had a chance to meet her was an unbearable thought.
“I feel great. Just tired, but that’s normal, especially the second time around when you already have a little one to take care of.”