by Alechia Dow
Morris leads me to the same nondescript car as before. I jump inside, hoping to quiet my thundering heart before Morris can hear it.
Neither of us says anything. My hands remain in tense fists on my lap. I count anything I can see in my mind, as many times as I can, as hours pass. On my last round, I try to find new things outside my window, even though the landscape is bare and my anxiety is at its peak.
Five, a car. Four, an Ilori. Three...three...focus, Ellie! Three, the moon. Two. I rock back and forth in my seat a little, panting in air. I feel dizzy and hot. Two. Rein it in. Don’t let it win. Two. Deep breaths. In and out. Relax. Sense.
What do you see? I can hear my therapist’s soothing voice in my mind. I always hear her, never my own voice. Two, my boots that squelch on the car mat. One, the stars, sparkly and bright. Zero, I count because I need it, the dirt-smeared Welcome to Texas sign. We’ve left Oklahoma.
“Let me out,” I demand.
Morris doesn’t hesitate. He pulls over the car and turns to me. “Please don’t leave. Please, Ellie. Please, you have to believe me...”
“I don’t have to do anything.” I open my car door and step into the dry heat and early threads of dusk. I have nothing, I am no one and out here I can die by myself. Morris lied—there’s no way to save anyone or anything. He gets out of the car and follows me. “I wish I could have my books back. I wish I could have them all back. And Mrs. Turner’s vinyl records and her player. I promised her. And you burned them. I wasn’t a traitor. You’ve made me a traitor.”
Without a word, he jogs back to the car and pulls a bag—the bag—out of the back seat. My mouth opens.
He drops beside me before emptying it. I see little black chips and tiny boxes, but within seconds, they shift and change into their true form. I fall to my knees to hold the books in my hands. He didn’t burn them. He didn’t destroy them. Why did he lie?
I need them more than anything right now. They are my hopes and dreams and knowledge, my life.
Nearly fifty books surround me. Morris hovers above them. “Janelle—”
“Leave.”
“Please, Ellie. I don’t want the sun to set on us. If you let me explain—”
“I said leave!” My voice echoes through the dirt and darkness. “I never want to see you again.” Bile climbs up my throat, but as I lean over, nothing comes out.
Morris staggers back. His gaze holds mine before he retreats and climbs back into the car. But the car doesn’t start. It—and he—lingers on the outside of my periphery and I turn my back, pretending they don’t exist. If they do, it means this pain raging through me is real.
Tears finally come as I sit surrounded by my scattered books and a smattering of records. I cry for my mom, my dad, Alice, Earth. Everything. Once it starts, it won’t stop. I scream louder than I ever have.
I scream again and again. And then panic sets in—no, not panic—anxiety. An attack this time. My heart is beating uncontrollably. I try to calm my breathing, to focus, but I’m lost in books and darkness. There’s a ringing in my ears as the world swirls before my eyes.
Alone.
I’m going to die alone. Far away from my parents. From everything I’ve ever known. It was always going to end this way, Ilori invasion or not. Every day a struggle to fit in, to be normal, to be this...this thing that didn’t have anger oozing from its heart, or rage within its soul for every misdeed, every snide comment, every inequality and injustice. For having to work harder, be smarter without letting on how smart I really am, to speak softer, and never, ever be aggressive. And now I’m alone.
There’s a wild panic spreading through me as the world around me narrows and darkens at the edges. The numbers don’t rise to my lips. They’ve abandoned me, too. Humanity trapped behind glass walls. Everyone will be gone. The world will forget we once ruled it. I never wanted to care. I made myself believe I couldn’t anymore. That caring only sets you up for disappointment. But I do care, and there is nothing I can do to change that.
Time. It fades in and out. Darkness. Alone.
And then Morris is beside me.
“Breathe.” His voice is steady despite my storm. His hand falls gently onto the middle of my back, spread-out. Fingers. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Tapping with slight pressure, one after the other. Over and over again. The numbers. He knows. My brain picks them up, focuses on them. Fivefourthreetwoone...fivefourthreetwoone...
“I can’t breathe,” I cry out, gasping. My vision blurs.
“Yes, you can. In and out. Feel it, Ellie.” His hand presses harder, steadying the shakes that make my shoulders heave.
I clutch my books against my chest, and still the tears fall. In and out. Yes. My lungs fill, but I swear my heart is beating in my throat. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“Just keep breathing.” Morris doesn’t let go, doesn’t move. I don’t want him to either.
His touch reminds me of a time when Alice found me after the mother and daughter were taken outside our building. She found me lying there and held me in her arms, her fingers on my back like Morris’s are now. “Five, you have me and I smell like Chanel. Don’t glare at me, you know you love it,” she laughed. “Four, these tacky tennis shoes, all scuffed and flimsy. God, I hate them. Three, the air coming through the crack in the door, it sounds like a windstorm in a tunnel, right? I know that’s weird, I’m learning. Two, my warm hand on your back. I’m here for you.
“One, you, Ellie. You are the best person. Even when you’re judgy and you like literally no one else, and the way you hate it when I say literally too much. Your heart is so big and beautiful. You’re my best friend.”
I close my eyes and remember her, that moment. She was my lifeline, and in this moment, so is Morris. For better or worse.
“I’m sorry, Ellie. I’m sorry for not telling you how much I loved the way you sang ‘Raspberry Beret’ to me,” he says gently near my ear. “You make me feel, and I couldn’t show anyone. I couldn’t let them see.”
He’s quiet for another pause. “You’re music to me. You’re ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay, and ‘As’ from Songs in the Key of Life by Stevie Wonder—what a great name.”
I look over at him through shaky breaths.
“These are all the songs that make me think of you, that I want to sing to you. All the songs that would be on the record if we were an album. And there are more. So many more. I just don’t know them yet.” His hazel eyes glance my way. How are they so bright even in the darkness? “I don’t know why you count things when you’re upset, but I know why you cry. I know you hate me right now. But if I don’t tell you the truth, the music will stop and never play again. And your stories... I need your stories.”
My head falls forward, and I close my eyes and breathe. In and out. In and out. “Tell me.”
“I engineered the vaccine.”
I groan in anger.
“I had to.” His voice rises over mine in desperate need to get the words out. “Even as we speak, the vaccines will cross over this country and be administered all over Earth.”
Disgust threads through my stomach and I feel sick again. “Why?”
“You need to know, Ellie.” He takes a deep breath. “I made them imperfect.”
My head shoots up. “What?”
“The vaccine is supposed to shut off the brain, stop the electricity but keep the body alive. It’s like...” He pauses. “If the human brain is a book, the vaccine hides the words, leaving blank pages. On a brain scan, it will look like there is no activity, no residual fragments of memory. That the human is shut down and prepared for implantation.
“But the words, the story...is still there. Inside each inoculation, there’s a chip. Three millimeters big. This chip includes the frequency upload for Il-0CoM. The true Ilori share energy and live forever through Il-0CoM. That is how true Ilori will transfer their consciousness into th
e humans.”
I furrow my brows, trying to follow, but I’m not sure I understand, and my brain’s not used to having to think too hard anymore.
“Once a human is injected, their essence, personality, thoughts, memories flock to the empty chip and sink into a chamber I’ve left inside. I’ve given them the perfect vaccine with desired results. Doctors have no reason to believe it will not work as expected. No reason to suspect. The chips were always part of the plan.”
My mouth falls open and shut twice before I can respond. “What does that mean? Really mean?”
“The humans...they’re asleep. They don’t have control, but they’re still in there. Waiting to be reactivated by a code.”
I think I feel sick. “How do you know it’ll work?”
“It’s been tested before.” He glances at the clouds roving across the sky. “Glind, my mother, experimented with it on me when I was a child. I was the only labmade with the right anatomy whom she could trust then. She wanted me to be human. She encouraged it, for this purpose. That is why I did not need live experimentation. I already had half the formula.”
A strangled sound escapes my lips. I don’t know what to do with that information. Where to begin. His own mother... “How are you going to...activate the code?”
He exhales slowly and glances up at the sky. “In California, there’s a ship, IpS1L. When humans struck at us, that ship, along with two others, crashed to the ground. It has been abandoned as a tomb as it lies close to Andarran land. Ilori aren’t allowed near Andarran land—there’s a treaty that, if broken, could be grounds for war. But the systems may still be intact. They could connect to Ilori command, to the center hub and the physical Il-0CoM.
“You see, all Ilori, both true and labmade, have Il-0CoM. We can share energy, we communicate. But like human computers, like your ‘cloud,’ we need servers to back up information, to hold large quantities of data.
“IpS1L is the only way I can upload my song into the Ilori servers to broadcast it around the world. Once it’s uploaded, set to a timer and broadcasts, it will activate the humans. Any Ilori transplanted inside a human body will die.”
The world seems to spin around us. Die? Activate? Morris did this, all of this. And he’s been keeping this secret for two years. How?
My mouth feels dry and chalky, but breathing becomes easier. “Why?”
“It was the only way for all of us to get what we want.” His tone is soft but determined. So very Morris. “We—some labmades and an underground resistance of true Ilori dissenters—have come to realize we’re all trapped in Il-0CoM. Freedom means revolution. We will need the humans, we will need anyone we can find, to destroy the Ilori Empire.”
I shake my head, my back straightening as realization sinks in. “You want a war, like a Star Wars kind of war.” I picture the ships, great battles and alien races. The death. And then I remind myself that Star Wars is an epic story with a happy ending. This is real life. There are no Jedi, only me and Morris, humans and Ilori. Nothing is guaranteed.
Morris drags a hand across his forehead, and suddenly I can see how tired he is, how keeping this to himself has taken a toll on him. “Earth was never going to be spared. Either they were going to kill humans or use you until you were no longer useful. Like the labmades...like me. Rebellion was a plan before I was even created. But with Earth, the leaders of the resistance, including my mother, saw an opportunity and decided now was the time. To save Earth and humanity, we would first have to let the true Ilori believe they had won, that they were in control. Lives would be, and still will be, lost in pursuit of freedom for both our kinds. But those lives...they were nothing to how much more would have been lost if we didn’t try.
“I was born into this life, it was never my choice. Duplicity was always to be my role, but it was never who I am.”
“What’s the plan?”
He turns to me, the corner of his mouth lifting. “Acquisitions goes home once all of the humans are captured and vaccinated, which will be anytime now. Habitation and building continues, but they’re nearly complete. Within days, Earth will be completely formatted for true Ilori. The New York we left just days ago is already gone. Cities and continents across the world are ready for their arrival. I can already smell the shift in the air, in the atmosphere.
“Everything will be compliant with Ilori systems, the centers will transition to spas, where Ilori can leave their shells behind and upload into human hosts. First there will be a test, a demonstration among the lower-ranked true Ilori. When satisfied, the emperor and leadership will transfer their consciousness into human husks. When they do, my song will broadcast into their systems, on the Il-0CoM frequency. I’ll be killing the Ilori emperor, leadership, and the first of the 1lv line. My family.”
There’s a sadness to him now. Guilt.
“But I will save you, Ellie, and your parents, Alice...all of them. All of us labmades. I will do whatever I can while I can.”
I try to root out the one detail that hasn’t been said. “What’ll happen to you if you succeed?”
“True Ilori leadership, my brother most likely, will take me to my father, and he will end my life. But it will all have been worth it. Allies from other Ilori colonies will come to Earth, and the labmades will stay to stand beside the humans. To fight for freedom. I will have played my role.”
I gasp, my hand covering my mouth. Success means he’ll die?
“If I fail, we all fail. My mother’s life, my fellow labmades, humans, you...depend on my code, my song. That’s why I must succeed.” He gives me a bittersweet smile. “I made my own music, Ellie. Music to destroy. It was my way of showing the true Ilori, my father, who I am. That they might have created me, but they cannot control me. And when my mission is complete, they will capture me.”
The edge of his hand touches mine, but he doesn’t grasp it. “I can’t take you with me all the way to the ship. It’s too dangerous. I...” He scrubs his chin. “I am sorry for everything. For taking you this far, for 0rsa. For the vaccine. For everything I made you feel. The distrust. I am truly sorry.”
There’s still ringing in my ears and I shake my head to clear it. “You did all of this?”
“Not all, no, but some. I’m not that smart and I’m not a natural leader. Communication is limited, so I don’t know most of who work against our empire. It’s best I don’t. All I know is that I’m the only labmade that could create the code and upload it to our systems. The other rebels will make sure it’s broadcast at the right time if I cannot.”
I try to wrap my mind around everything he’s just told me. “You vaccinated humans to save them. You didn’t want to kill us. You had a plan.” The truth is a beautiful, dangerous thing, but part of me is grateful to know it. To know that the end is not as near as I thought.
“I couldn’t stop the deaths. I’m sorry, Ellie. I tried. But I can do something for those still living and in captivity. It is my gift to share. My mother created me for this purpose. She made me understand my emotions, let me experience them. I think... Part of me imagines she did this so that my father would hate me, and that would lead me to coming here, to rebel against him. I was never going to earn the 1lv name, never going to be a proper Ilori.” He sniffs. “Knowing I’ll change the universe is how I cope with my guilt for what I’ve done. For humans, labmades, your mother, Alice, your father. Your center. This world.”
I stare at him, my cheeks wet with tears. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“If we got caught, they could hurt you to get the truth. I didn’t want you to experience that. And I never wanted to upset you. When we were captured outside of that store...the only thought I had was to protect you. I tried, Ellie. I’ve been carrying this with me, alone, for too long. It is time for the truth.
“We were brought to that center because I made a mistake in New York. I asked a question I shouldn’t have. I was rattl
ed and nervous. The doctor compromised my vaccine, and I needed to cover my error and continue with production and distribution. I had my part to play, and now I’m nearly done. I’m nearly free.”
I let that sink in for a moment. “Did you know Whatever-Her-Name-Is would be there?”
“Orsa?” He shakes his head. “No. She caught me by surprise.”
“Did you...?” I look up at him through my eyelashes.
“Did I have intercourse with her?” Morris asks with raised eyebrows. “Does it matter to you?”
I gulp in air, rubbing the palms of my hands against my knees. “I just—I want to know.”
His eyes follow my movements. “No. But I violated her privacy to make her think we were going to. I may not be able to read or implant thoughts into human minds, but I can to other Ilori.”
I frown in confusion.
Morris shoves his hands into his pockets and shrugs. “When she realizes that I implanted images into her mind, I will face a new set of problems. That’s illegal.”
“Why did you do it then? Why didn’t you just have fun with her?”
“Because I have a heart, and it belongs to you. And I have a body that wishes only to be near yours.”
Butterflies swarm around my stomach and my heart flips. Calm down. “You don’t know me that well.”
“I feel like I do.” He moves closer to me with an earnestness in his eyes. “But I wish to know you more. In whatever time we have left. I feel like we...we have a bond. You and I.”
“You’ve known me a week.”
“It’s been nine days, Janelle.”
“This isn’t like the stories I’ve told you, Morris. Where people fall in love in one day and everything works out. Those aren’t real. They’re just stories. You’re an Ilori and I’m human, we’re going two different ways,” I point out.
“I didn’t mention love or falling in love. I mentioned my heart.”