by Terence
Syr. (apart.) I wasn’t mistaken; she has been discovered, so far as I understand from these words of his. (Advancing.) I am rejoiced that this matter has turned out for you so much to your wish.
Clin. O my dear Syrus, have you heard of it, pray?
Syr. How shouldn’t I, when I was present all the while?
Clin. Did you ever hear of any thing falling out so fortunately for any one?
Syr. Never.
Clin. And, so may the Gods prosper me, I do not now rejoice so much on my own account as hers, whom I know to be deserving of any honor.
Syr. I believe it: but now, Clinia, come, attend to me in my turn. For your friend’s business as well, — it must be seen to — that it is placed in a state of security, lest the old gentleman should now come to know any thing about his mistress.
Clin. O Jupiter!
Syr. Do be quiet.
Clin. My Antiphila will be mine.
Syr. Do you still interrupt me thus?
Clin. What can I do? My dear Syrus, I’m transported with joy! Do bear with me.
Syr. I’ faith, I really do bear with you.
Clin. We are blest with the life of the Gods.
Syr. I’m taking pains to no purpose, I doubt.
Clin. Speak; I hear you.
Syr. But still you’ll not mind it.
Clin. I will.
Syr. This must be seen to, I say, that your friend’s business as well is placed in a state of security. For if you now go away from us, and leave Bacchis here, our old man will immediately come to know that she is Clitipho’s mistress; if you take her away with you, it will be concealed just as much as it has been hitherto concealed.
Clin. But still, Syrus, nothing can make more against my marriage than this; for with what face am I to address my father about it? You understand what I mean?
Syr. Why not?
Clin. What can I say? What excuse can I make?
Syr. Nay, I don’t want you to dissemble; tell him the whole case just as it really is.
Clin. What is it you say?
Syr. I bid you do this; tell him that you are in love with her, and want her for a wife: that this Bacchis is Clitipho’s mistress.
Clin. You require a thing that is fair and reasonable, and easy to be done. And I suppose, then, you would have me request my father to keep it a secret from your old man.
Syr. On the contrary; to tell him directly the matter just as it is.
Clin. What? Are you quite in your senses or sober? Why, you were for ruining him outright. For how could he be in a state of security? Tell me that.
Syr. For my part, I yield the palm to this device. Here I do pride myself exultingly, in having in myself such exquisite resources, and power of address so great, as to deceive them both by telling the truth: so that when your old man tells ours that she is his son’s mistress, he’ll still not believe him.
Clin. But yet, by these means you again cut off all hopes of my marriage; for as long as Chremes believes that she is my mistress, he’ll not give me his daughter. Perhaps you care little what becomes of me, so long as you provide for him.
Syr. What the plague, do you suppose I want this pretense to be kept up for an age? ‘Tis but for a single day, only till I have secured the money: you be quiet; I ask no more.
Clin. Is that sufficient? If his father should come to know of it, pray, what then?
Syr. What if I have recourse to those who say, “What now if the sky were to fall?”
Clin. I’m afraid to go about it.
Syr. You, afraid! As if it was not in your power to clear yourself at any time you like, and discover the whole matter.
Clin. Well, well; let Bacchis be brought over to our house.
Syr. Capital! she is coming out of doors.
Scene IV.
Enter Bacchis and Phrygia, from the house of Chremes.
Bacch. (pretending not to see Clinia and Syrus.) To a very fine purpose, upon my faith, have the promises of Syrus brought me hither, who agreed to lend me ten minæ. If now he deceives me, oft as he may entreat me to come, he shall come in vain. Or else, when I’ve promised to come, and fixed the time, when he has carried word back for certain, and Clitipho is on the stretch of expectation, I’ll disappoint him and not come. Syrus will make atonement to me with his back.
Clin. (apart, to Syrus.) She promises you very fairly.
Syr. (to Clinia.) But do you think she is in jest? She’ll do it, if I don’t take care.
Bacch. (aside.) They’re asleep — I’faith, I’ll rouse them. (Aloud.) My dear Phrygia, did you hear about the country-seat of Charinus, which that man was showing us just now?
Phry. I heard of it.
Bacch. (aloud.) That it was the next to the farm here on the right-hand side.
Phry. I remember.
Bacch. (aloud) Run thither post-haste; the Captain is keeping the feast of Bacchus at his house.
Syr. (apart.) What is she going to be at?
Bacch. (aloud.) Tell him I am here very much against my inclination, and am detained; but that by some means or other I’ll give them the slip and come to him.
Phrygia moves.
Syr. (coming forward.) Upon my faith, I’m ruined! Bacchis, stay, stay; prithee, where are you sending her? Order her to stop.
Bacch. (to Phrygia.) Be off.
Syr. Why, the money’s ready.
Bacch. Why, then I’ll stay.
Phrygia returns.
Syr. And it will be given you presently.
Bacch. Just when you please; do I press you?
Syr. But do you know what you are to do, pray?
Bacch. What?
Syr. You must now go over to the house of Menedemus, and your equipage must be taken over thither.
Bacch. What scheme are you upon, you rascal?
Syr. What, I? Coining money to give you.
Bacch. Do you think me a proper person for you to play upon?
Syr. It’s not without a purpose.
Bacch. (pointing to the house.) Why, have I any business then with you here?
Syr. O no; I’m only going to give you what’s your own.
Bacch. Then let’s be going.
Syr. Follow this way. (Goes to the door of Menedemus, and calls.) Ho there! Dromo.
Enter Dromo from the house.
Dro. Who is it wants me?
Syr. Syrus.
Dro. What’s the matter?
Syr. Take over all the attendants of Bacchis to your house here immediately.
Dro. Why so?
Syr. Ask no questions. Let them take what they brought here with them. The old gentleman will hope his expenses are lightened by their departure; for sure he little knows how much loss this trifling gain will bring him. You, Dromo, if you are wise, know nothing of what you do know.
Dro. You shall own that I’m dumb.
Clinia, Bacchis, and Phrygia go into the house of Menedemus, and Dromo follows with Bacchis’s retinue and baggage.
Scene V.
Enter Chremes from his house.
Chrem. (to himself.) So may the Deities prosper me, I am now concerned for the fate of Menedemus, that so great a misfortune should have befallen him. To be maintaining that woman with such a retinue! Although I am well aware he’ll not be sensible of it for some days to come, his son was so greatly missed by him; but when he sees such a vast expense incurred by him every day at home, and no limit to it, he’ll wish that this son would leave him a second time. See — here comes Syrus most opportunely.
Syr. (to himself, as he comes forward.) Why delay to accost him?
Chrem. Syrus.
Syr. Well.
Chrem. How go matters?
Syr. I’ve been wishing for some time for you to be thrown in my way.
Chrem. You seem, then, to have effected something, I know not what, with the old gentleman.
Syr. As to what we were talking of a short time since? No sooner said than done.
Chrem. In real earnest?
Syr. In r
eal.
Chrem. Upon my faith, I can not forbear patting your head for it. Come here, Syrus; I’ll do you some good turn for this matter, and with pleasure. (Patting his head.)
Syr. But if you knew how cleverly it came into my head ——
Chrem. Pshaw! Do you boast because it has turned out according to your wishes?
Syr. On my word, not I, indeed; I am telling the truth.
Chrem. Tell me how it is.
Syr. Clinia has told Menedemus, that this Bacchis is your Clitipho’s mistress, and that he has taken her thither with him in order that you might not come to know of it.
Chrem. Very good.
Syr. Tell me, please, what you think of it.
Chrem. Extremely good, I declare.
Syr. Why yes, pretty fair. But listen, what a piece of policy still remains. He is then to say that he has seen your daughter — that her beauty charmed him as soon as he beheld her; and that he desires her for a wife.
Chrem. What, her that has just been discovered?
Syr. The same; and, in fact, he’ll request that she may be asked for.
Chrem. For what purpose, Syrus? For I don’t altogether comprehend it.
Syr. O dear, you are so dull.
Chrem. Perhaps so.
Syr. Money will be given him for the wedding — with which golden trinkets and clothes —— do you understand me?
Chrem. To buy them —— ?
Syr. Just so.
Chrem. But I neither give nor betroth my daughter to him.
Syr. But why?
Chrem. Why, do you ask me? To a fellow ——
Syr. Just as you please. I don’t mean that in reality you should give her to him, but that you should pretend it.
Chrem. Pretending is not in my way; do you mix up these plots of yours, so as not to mix me up in them. Do you think that I’ll betroth my daughter to a person to whom I will not marry her?
Syr. I imagined so.
Chrem. By no means.
Syr. It might have been cleverly managed; and I undertook this affair for the very reason, that a short time since you so urgently requested it.
Chrem. I believe you.
Syr. But for my part, Chremes, I take it well and good, either way.
Chrem. But still, I especially wish you to do your best for it to be brought about; but in some other way.
Syr. It shall be done: some other method must be thought of; but as to what I was telling you of, — about the money which she owes to Bacchis, — that must now be repaid her. And you will not, of course, now be having recourse to this method; “What have I to do with it? Was it lent to me? Did I give any orders? Had she the power to pawn my daughter without my consent?” They quote that saying, Chremes, with good reason, “Rigorous law is often rigorous injustice.”
Chrem. I will not do so.
Syr. On the contrary, though others were at liberty, you are not at liberty; all think that you are in good and very easy circumstances.
Chrem. Nay rather, I’ll at once carry it to her myself.
Syr. Why no; request your son in preference.
Chrem. For what reason?
Syr. Why, because the suspicion of being in love with her has been transferred to him with Menedemus.
Chrem. What then?
Syr. Because it will seem to be more like probability when he gives it her; and at the same time I shall effect more easily what I wish. Here he comes too; go, and bring out the money.
Chrem. I’ll bring it.
Goes into his house.
Scene VI.
Enter Clitipho.
Clit. (to himself.) There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it with reluctance. As this walk of mine, for instance, though not fatiguing, it has reduced me to weariness. And now I dread nothing more than that I should be packed off somewhere hence once again, that I may not have access to Bacchis. May then all the Gods and Goddesses, as many as exist, confound you, Syrus, with these stratagems and plots of yours. You are always devising something of this kind, by means of which to torture me.
Syr. Will you not away with you — to where you deserve? How nearly had your forwardness proved my ruin!
Clit. Upon my faith, I wish it had been so; just what you deserve.
Syr. Deserve? How so? Really, I’m glad that I’ve heard this from you before you had the money which I was just going to give you.
Clit. What then would you have me to say to you? You’ve made a fool of me; brought my mistress hither, whom I’m not allowed to touch ——
Syr. Well, I’m not angry then. But do you know where Bacchis is just now?
Clit. At our house.
Syr. No.
Clit. Where then?
Syr. At Clinia’s.
Clit. I’m ruined!
Syr. Be of good heart; you shall presently carry to her the money that you promised her.
Clit. You do prate away. — Where from?
Syr. From your own father.
Clit. Perhaps you are joking with me.
Syr. The thing itself will prove it.
Clit. Indeed, then, I am a lucky man. Syrus, I do love you from my heart.
Syr. But your father’s coming out. Take care not to express surprise at any thing, for what reason it is done; give way at the proper moment; do what he orders, and say but little.
Scene VII.
Enter Chremes from the house, with a bag of money.
Chrem. Where’s Clitipho now?
Syr. (aside to Clitipho.) Say — here I am.
Clit. Here am I.
Chrem. (to Syrus.) Have you told him how it is?
Syr. I’ve told him pretty well every thing.
Chrem. Take this money, and carry it. (Holding out the bag.)
Syr. (aside to Clitipho.) Go — why do you stand still, you stone; why don’t you take it?
Clit. Very well, give it me. (Receives the bag.)
Syr. (to Clitipho.) Follow me this way directly. (To Chremes.) You in the mean while will wait here for us till we return; for there’s no occasion for us to stay there long.
Clitipho and Syrus go into the house of Menedemus.
Chrem. (to himself.) My daughter, in fact, has now had ten minæ from me, which I consider as paid for her board; another ten will follow these for clothes; and then she will require two talents for her portion. How many things, both just and unjust, are sanctioned by custom! Now I’m obliged, neglecting my business, to look out for some one on whom to bestow my property, that has been acquired by my labor.
Scene VIII.
Enter Menedemus from his house.
Men. (to Clinia within.) My son, I now think myself the happiest of all men, since I find that you have returned to a rational mode of life.
Chrem. (aside.) How much he is mistaken!
Men. Chremes, you are the very person I wanted; preserve, so far as in you lies, my son, myself, and my family.
Chrem. Tell me what you would have me do.
Men. You have this day found a daughter.
Chrem. What then?
Men. Clinia wishes her to be given him for a wife.
Chrem. Prithee, what kind of a person are you?
Men. Why?
Chrem. Have you already forgotten what passed between us, concerning a scheme, that by that method some money might be got out of you?
Men. I remember.
Chrem. That self-same thing they are now about.
Men. What do you tell me, Chremes? Why surely, this Courtesan, who is at my house, is Clitipho’s mistress.
Chrem. So they say, and you believe it all; and they say that he is desirous of a wife, in order that, when I have betrothed her, you may give him money, with which to provide gold trinkets and clothing, and other things that are requisite.
Men. That is it, no doubt; that money will be given to his mistress.
Chrem. Of course it is to be given.
Men. Alas! in vain then, unhappy man, have I been overjoyed; still however, I had rather any thi
ng than be deprived of him. What answer now shall I report from you, Chremes, so that he may not perceive that I have found it out, and take it to heart?
Chrem. To heart, indeed! you are too indulgent to him, Menedemus.
Men. Let me go on; I have now begun: assist me in this throughout, Chremes.
Chrem. Say then, that you have seen me, and have treated about the marriage.
Men. I’ll say so — what then?
Chrem. That I will do every thing; that as a son-in-law he meets my approbation; in fine, too, if you like, tell him also that she has been promised him.
Men. Well, that’s what I wanted —
Chrem. That he may the sooner ask of you, and you may as soon as possible give him what you wish.
Men. It is my wish.
Chrem. Assuredly, before very long, according as I view this matter, you’ll have enough of him. But, however that may be, if you are wise, you’ll give to him cautiously, and a little at a time.
Men. I’ll do so.
Chrem. Go in-doors and see how much he requires. I shall be at home, if you should want me for any thing.
Men. I certainly do want you; for I shall let you know whatever I do.
They go into their respective houses.
ACT THE FIFTH.
Scene I.
Enter Menedemus from his house.
Men. (to himself.) I am quite aware that I am not so overwise, or so very quick-sighted; but this assistant, prompter, and director of mine, Chremes, outdoes me in that. Any one of those epithets which are applied to a fool is suited to myself, such as dolt, post, ass, lump of lead; to him not one can apply; his stupidity surpasses them all.
Enter Chremes, speaking to Sostrata within.
Chrem. Hold now, do, wife, leave off dinning the Gods with thanksgivings that your daughter has been discovered; unless you judge of them by your own disposition, and think that they understand nothing, unless the same thing has been told them a hundred times. But, in the mean time, why does my son linger there so long with Syrus?