by Terence
Dem. Whew!
Naus. What! does this seem surprising?
Dem. Of course it does.
Naus. I wish I had been born a man; I’d have shown ——
Dem. That I’m quite sure of.
Naus. In what way ——
Dem. Forbear, pray, that you may be able to do battle with her; lest she, being a young woman, may be more than a match for you.
Naus. I’ll do as you bid me; but I see my husband coming out of your house.
Scene IV.
Enter Chremes, hastily, from Demipho’s house.
Chrem. Ha! Demipho, has the money been paid him yet?
Dem. I took care immediately.
Chrem. I wish it hadn’t been paid him. (On seeing Nausistrata, aside.) Halloo, I espy my wife; I had almost said more than I ought.
Dem. Why do you wish I hadn’t, Chremes?
Chrem. It’s all right.
Dem. What say you? Have you been letting her know why we are going to bring her? (pointing to Nausistrata.)
Chrem. I’ve arranged it.
Dem. Pray, what does she say?
Chrem. She can’t be got to leave.
Dem. Why can’t she?
Chrem. Because they are fond of one another.
Dem. What’s that to us?
Chrem. (apart, to Demipho.) A great deal; besides that, I’ve found out that she is related to us.
Dem. (apart.) What! You are mad, surely.
Chrem. (apart.) So you will find; I don’t speak at random; I’ve recovered my recollection.
Dem. (apart.) Are you quite in your senses?
Chrem. (apart.) Nay, prithee, do take care not to injure your kinswoman.
Dem. (apart.) She is not.
Chrem. (apart.) Don’t deny it; her father went by another name; that was the cause of your mistake.
Dem. (apart.) Did she not know who was her father?
Chrem. (apart.) She did.
Dem. (apart.) Why did she call him by another name?
Chrem. (apart, frowning.) Will you never yield to me, nor understand what I mean?
Dem. (apart.) If you don’t tell me of any thing ——
Chrem. (impatiently.) Do you persist?
Naus. I wonder what all this can be.
Dem. For my part, upon my faith, I don’t know.
Chrem. (whispering to him.) Would you like to know? Then, so may Jupiter preserve me, not a person is there more nearly related to her than are you and I.
Dem. (starting.) Ye Gods, by our trust in you! let’s away to her; I wish for all of us, one way or other, to be sure about this (going).
Chrem. (stopping him.) Ah!
Dem. What’s the matter?
Chrem. That you should put so little confidence in me!
Dem. Do you wish me to believe you? Do you wish me to consider this as quite certain? Very well, be it so. Well, what’s to be done with our friend’s daughter?
Chrem. She’ll do well enough.
Dem. Are we to drop her, then?
Chrem. Why not?
Dem. The other one to stop?
Chrem. Just so.
Dem. You may go then, Nausistrata.
Naus. I’ faith, I think it better for all that she should remain here as it is, than as you first intended; for she seemed to me a very genteel person when I saw her.
Goes into her house.
Scene V.
Demipho and Chremes.
Dem. What is the meaning of all this?
Chrem. (looking at the door of his house.) Has she shut the door yet?
Dem. Now she has.
Chrem. O Jupiter! the Gods do befriend us; I have found that it is my daughter married to your son.
Dem. Ha! How can that possibly be?
Chrem. This spot is not exactly suited for me to tell it you.
Dem. Well then, step in-doors.
Chrem. Hark you, I don’t wish our sons even to come to know of this.
They go into Demipho’s house.
Scene VI.
Enter Antipho.
Ant. I’m glad that, however my own affairs go, my brother has succeeded in his wishes. How wise it is to cherish desires of that nature in the mind, that when things run counter, you may easily find a cure for them! He has both got the money, and released himself from care; I, by no method, can extricate myself from these troubles; on the contrary, if the matter is concealed, I am in dread — but if disclosed, in disgrace. Neither should I now go home, were not a hope still presented me of retaining her. But where, I wonder, can I find Geta, that I may ask him what opportunity he would recommend me to take for meeting my father?
Scene VII.
Enter Phormio, at a distance.
Phor. (to himself.) I received the money; handed it over to the Procurer; brought away the woman, that Phædria might have her as his own — for she has now become free. Now there is one thing still remaining for me to manage, — to get a respite from the old gentlemen for carousing; for I’ll enjoy myself the next few days.
Ant. But here’s Phormio. (Going up to him.) What have you to say?
Phor. About what?
Ant. Why — what’s Phædria going to do now? In what way does he say that he intends to take his fill of love?
Phor. In his turn, he’s going to act your part.
Ant. What part?
Phor. To run away from his father; he begs that you in your return will act on his behalf — to plead his cause for him. For he’s going to carouse at my house. I shall tell the old man that I’m going to Sunium, to the fair, to purchase the female servant that Geta mentioned a while since, so that, when they don’t see me here, they mayn’t suppose that I’m squandering their money. But there is a noise at the door of your house.
Ant. See who’s coming out.
Phor. It’s Geta.
Scene VIII.
Enter Geta, at a distance, hastily, from the house of Demipho.
Geta. (to himself.) O fortune! O good luck! with blessings how great, how suddenly hast thou loaded this day with thy favors to my master Antipho! —
Ant. (apart to Phormio.) I wonder what it is he means.
Geta. (continuing.) And relieved us, his friends, from alarm; but I’m now delaying, in not throwing my cloak over my shoulder (throws it over his shoulder), and making haste to find him, that he may know what has happened.
Ant. (apart to Phormio.) Do you understand what he’s talking about?
Phor. (apart to Antipho.) Do you?
Ant. (apart to Phormio.) Not at all.
Phor. (apart to Antipho.) And I just as much.
Geta. (to himself.) I’ll be off hence to the Procurer’s; they are there just now. (Runs along.)
Ant. (calling out.) Halloo! Geta!
Geta. (still running.) There’s for you. Is it any thing new or wonderful to be called back, directly you’ve started?
Ant. Geta!
Geta. Do you persist? Troth, you shall not on this occasion get the better of me by your annoyance.
Ant. (running after him.) Won’t you stop?
Geta. You’ll be getting a beating.
Ant. Assuredly that will befall yourself just now unless you stop, you whip-knave.
Geta. This must be some one pretty familiar, threatening me with a beating. (Turns round.) But is it the person I’m in search of or not? ‘Tis the very man! Up to him at once.
Ant. What’s the matter?
Geta. O being most blessed of all men living! For without question, Antipho, you are the only favorite of the Gods.
Ant. So I could wish; but I should like to be told why I’m to believe it is so.
Geta. Is it enough if I plunge you into a sea of joy?
Ant. You are worrying me to death.
Phor. Nay but do have done with your promises, and tell us what you bring.
Geta. (looking round.) Oh, are you here too, Phormio?
Phor. I am: but why do you delay?
Geta. Listen, then. When we just now paid you the money at the Forum
, we went straight to Chremes; in the mean time, my master sent me to your wife.
Ant. What for?
Geta. I’ll omit telling you that, as it is nothing to the present purpose, Antipho. Just as I was going to the woman’s apartments, the boy Mida came running up to me, and caught me behind by my cloak, and pulled me back; I turned about, and inquired for what reason he stopped me; he said that it was forbidden for any one to go in to his mistress. “Sophrona has just now,” said he, “introduced here Chremes, the old gentleman’s brother,” and he said that he was then in the room with them: when I heard this, on tip-toe I stole softly along; I came there, stood, held my breath, I applied my ear, and so began to listen, catching the conversation every word in this fashion (shows them).
Ant. Well done, Geta.
Geta. Here I overheard a very pretty piece of business; so much so that I had nearly cried out for joy.
Ant. What was it?
Geta. (laughing.) What do you think?
Ant. I don’t know.
Geta. Why, something most marvelous. Your uncle has been discovered to be the father of your wife, Phanium.
Ant. (starting.) Ha! what’s that you say?
Geta. He formerly cohabited secretly with her mother at Lemnos.
Phor. A dream: how could she be ignorant about her own father?
Geta. Be sure, Phormio, that there is some reason: but do you suppose that, outside of the door, I was able to understand every thing that passed between them within?
Ant. On my faith, I too have heard the same story.
Geta. Aye, and I’ll give you still further reason for believing it: your uncle in the mean time came out from there; not long after he returned again, with your father; each said that he gave you permission to retain her; in fine, I’ve been sent to find you, and bring you to them.
Ant. Why then carry me off at once; — why do you delay?
Geta. I’ll do so.
Ant. O my dear Phormio, farewell!
Phor. Farewell, Antipho.
Antipho and Geta go into Demipho’s house.
Scene IX.
Phormio, alone.
Phor. So may the Gods bless me, this has turned out luckily. I’m glad of it, that such good fortune has thus suddenly befallen them. I have now an excellent opportunity for diddling the old men, and ridding Phædria of all anxiety about the money, so that he mayn’t be under the necessity of applying to any of his companions. For this same money, as it has been given him, shall be given for good, whether they like it or not: how to force them to this, I’ve found out the very way. I must now assume a new air and countenance. But I’ll betake myself off to this next alley; from that spot I’ll present myself to them, when they come out of doors. I sha’n’t go to the fair, where I pretended I was going.
He retires into the alley.
ACT THE FIFTH.
Scene I.
Enter Demipho and Chremes, from Demipho’s house.
Dem. I do give and return hearty thanks to the Gods, and with reason, brother, inasmuch as these matters have turned out for us so fortunately. We must now meet with Phormio as soon as possible, before he squanders our thirty minæ, so that we may get them from him.
Enter Phormio, coming forward, and speaking aloud, as though not seeing them.
Phor. I’ll go see if Demipho’s at home; that as to what —
Dem. (accosting him.) Why, Phormio, we were coming to you.
Phor. Perhaps about the very same affair. (Demipho nods assent.) I’ faith, I thought so. What were you coming to my house for? Ridiculous; are you afraid that I sha’n’t do what I have once undertaken? Hark you, whatever is my poverty, still, of this one thing I have taken due care, not to forfeit my word.
Chrem. (to Demipho.) Is she not genteel-looking, just as I told you?
Dem. Very much so.
Phor. And this is what I’m come to tell you, Demipho, that I’m quite ready; whenever you please, give me my wife. For I postponed all my other business, as was fit I should, when I understood that you were so very desirous to have it so.
Dem. (pointing to Chremes.) But he has dissuaded me from giving her to you. “For what,” says he, “will be the talk among people if you do this? Formerly, when she might have been handsomely disposed of, then she wasn’t given; now it’s a disgrace for her to be turned out of doors, a repudiated woman;” pretty nearly, in fact, all the reasons which you yourself, some little time since, were urging to me.
Phor. Upon my faith, you are treating me in a very insulting manner.
Dem. How so?
Phor. Do you ask me? Because I shall not be able to marry the other person I mentioned; for with what face shall I return to her whom I’ve slighted?
Chrem. Then besides, I see that Antipho is unwilling to part with her. (Aside, prompting Demipho.) Say so.
Dem. Then besides, I see that my son is very unwilling to part with the damsel. But have the goodness to step over to the Forum, and order this money to be transferred to my account, Phormio.
Phor. What, when I’ve paid it over to the persons to whom I was indebted?
Dem. What’s to be done, then?
Phor. If you will let me have her for a wife, as you promised, I’ll take her; but if you prefer that she should stay with you, the portion must stay with me, Demipho. For it isn’t fair that I should be misled for you, as it was for your own sakes that I broke off with the other woman, who was to have brought me a portion just as large.
Dem. Away with you to utter perdition, with this swaggering, you vagabond. What, then, do you fancy we don’t know you, or your doings?
Phor. You are provoking me.
Dem. Would you have married her, if she had been given to you?
Phor. Try the experiment.
Dem. That my son might cohabit with her at your house, that was your design.
Phor. Pray, what is that you say?
Dem. Then do you give me my money?
Phor. Nay, but do you give me my wife?
Dem. Come before a magistrate. (Going to seize hold of him.)
Phor. Why, really, if you persist in being troublesome ——
Dem. What will you do?
Phor. What, I? You fancy, perhaps, just now, that I am the protector of the portionless; for the well portioned, I’m in the habit of being so as well.
Chrem. What’s that to us?
Phor. (with a careless air.) Nothing at all. I know a certain lady here (pointing at Chremes’s house) whose husband had ——
Chrem. (starting.) Ha!
Dem. What’s the matter?
Phor. Another wife at Lemnos —
Chrem. (aside.) I’m ruined!
Phor. By whom he had a daughter; and her he is secretly bringing up.
Chrem. (aside.) I’m dead and buried!
Phor. This I shall assuredly now inform her of. (Walks toward the house.)
Chrem. (running and catching hold of him.) I beg of you, don’t do so.
Phor. (with a careless air.) Oh, were you the person?
Dem. What a jest he’s making of us.
Chrem. (to Phormio.) We’ll let you off.
Phor. Nonsense.
Chrem. What would you have? We’ll forgive you the money you’ve got.
Phor. I hear you. Why the plague, then, do you two trifle with me in this way, you silly men, with your childish speeches—”I won’t, and I will; I will, and I won’t,” over again: “keep it, give it me back; what has been said, is unsaid; what had been just a bargain, is now no bargain.”
Chrem. (aside, to Demipho.) In what manner, or from whom has he come to know of this?
Dem. (aside.) I don’t know; but that I’ve told it to no one, I know for certain.
Chrem. (aside.) So may the Gods bless me, ‘tis as good as a miracle.
Phor. (aside, to himself.) I’ve graveled them.
Dem. (apart, to Chremes.) Well now, is he to be carrying off from us such a sum of money as this, and so palpably to impose upon us? By heavens, I’d sooner d
ie. Manage to show yourself of resolute and ready wit. You see that this slip of yours has got abroad, and that you can not now possibly conceal it from your wife; it is then more conducive to our quiet, Chremes, ourselves to disclose what she will be hearing from others; and then, in our own fashion, we shall be able to take vengeance upon this dirty fellow.
Phor. (aside, to himself.) Good lack-a-day, now’s the sticking-point, if I don’t look out for myself. They are making toward me with a gladiatorial air.
Chrem. (apart, to Demipho.) But I doubt whether it’s possible for her to be appeased.
Dem. (apart, to Chremes.) Be of good courage; I’ll effect a reconciliation between you; remembering this, Chremes, that she is dead and gone by whom you had this girl.
Phor. (in a loud voice.) Is this the way you are going to deal with me? Very cleverly done. Come on with you. By heavens, Demipho, you have provoked me, not to his advantage (pointing at Chremes). How say you? (addressing Chremes). When you’ve been doing abroad just as you pleased, and have had no regard for this excellent lady here, but on the contrary, have been injuring her in an unheard-of manner, would you be coming to me with prayers to wash away your offenses? On telling her of this, I’ll make her so incensed with you, that you sha’n’t quench her, though you should melt away into tears.
Dem. (aside.) A plague may all the Gods and Goddesses send upon him. That any fellow should be possessed of so much impudence! Does not this villain deserve to be transported hence to some desolate land at the public charge?
Chrem. (aside.) I am brought to such a pass, that I really don’t know what to do in it.
Dem. I know; let’s go into court.
Phor. Into court? Here in preference (pointing to Chremes’s house), if it suits you in any way. (Moves toward the house.)
Dem. (to Chremes.) Follow him, and hold him back, till I call out the servants.
Chrem. (trying to seize Phormio.) But I can’t by myself; run and help me.
Phor. (to Demipho, who seizes hold of him.) There’s one action of damages against you.
Chrem. Sue him at law, then.
Phor. And another with you, Chremes.