I felt like I should be crying. Surely, I should be. But the tears wouldn’t come. They were as absent as my memories.
“Lina?” Cal asked, turning me toward him a bit. “Is any of this helping?”
I bit my tongue and shook my head. “No, I don’t remember them.”
“You will,” he said.
I shook my head. “I’m starting to wonder if that’s true. What if this is my life now? What if I never remember where I came from or who I was?”
Cal’s jaw flexed, and his eyebrows drew together, leaving creases in his forehead. “You’re still the same woman I knew, still the same person. And Lina, I swear. You will remember. It hasn’t been all that much time. I know it’s hard, but you can’t give up.”
He was too kind to me. I forced myself to smile. “Thank you.”
He pulled me back to his side and rested his cheek on top of my head. It felt good to be in his arms like this. It felt like I was where I belonged.
I thought back to the dream I had of my mother when I was in the hospital—the dream where she told me to go with Cal. That he was my flower. I didn’t know what it meant, not really, but in that moment, I couldn’t help but feel that it was true. That my mother had guided me from beyond the grave somehow, like she knew that when I woke, I wouldn’t remember her.
My eyes slid to the brown, crispy bouquet of flowers between the two name plaques on the frozen grass. I couldn’t tell what they had been. Roses, maybe. I licked my lips, and the cold air nipped at the moisture. “Why haven’t I been here?”
“What do you mean?”
I pointed at the flowers. “No one has been here in a long time. Did I not used to come and visit?”
Cal’s grip on my shoulder tightened. “Life gets busy, Lina. I don’t think you were able to come here as often as you would have liked.”
I nodded, even though what he was saying seemed strange. If I lived so close by and worked for him, why wouldn’t I have made the time to spend twenty-five minutes in the car to get here? At least to change the flowers. To sit by their spot and be with them. Maybe I wasn’t that kind of person. Maybe it was too hard to come here.
Maybe I had forgotten them.
“Cal?”
“Yes?”
“What did I do after high school?” I asked.
Cal hesitated before answering. “You know, Lina. We sort of drifted apart after school. I went away to Harvard, and you went to New York. You got a degree. In communications, I believe.”
“Really?”
He nodded.
I frowned. “And I didn’t get a career in that field?”
He shook his head. “No.”
I slipped out from under his arm so I could look up at him. I needed to look him in the eyes. “I don’t know if what you’re telling me is the truth. There’s no way for me to know.”
“Lina, I—”
I shook my head, and he fell silent. “But when I’m with you, something feels right. I feel safe. I feel like I’m home. I know that might sound crazy to you. It sounds a little crazy to me, too. But I can’t explain it. I have nothing—nothing—to look back on and know it’s me. All I have is you and Asher and your dad, and you’ve all been so kind to me. So, I hate to do this, but I need to ask another favor.”
“Anything,” Cal said. His voice was thin.
“I think I want to go to New York to see my old school records. I think it’s time to stop waiting around for my memories to come back. I think I have to go find them. Like what we did today. I found my mom and dad. I have to keep searching. Even if I don’t remember, at least I’ll have an idea of what my life was like before all this.”
Cal nodded. “We can leave tomorrow.”
I blinked. “Really?”
He nodded again. “Yes. You’re right. You need to know. And I still have some holiday time before the New Year. There’s no better time than now.”
I threw my arms around his shoulders. It took him a moment, but he hugged me back. He wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face in the groove of my shoulder. Something was still wrong. I could feel it in my bones. But I didn’t dare ruin the moment.
I was another step closer to finding myself. I had to look at that as a victory today.
And whatever was bugging Cal couldn’t be that serious if he was willing to drop everything and fly to New York with me just like that.
I pulled away, and he smiled at me. “Do you want to stay longer?” he asked.
I shook my head. “No, it’s okay. We can go home.”
He offered me his arm again, and we made our way back to the car. The frozen blades of grass crunched beneath our boots and lay flat in our wake.
The heat in the car warmed me up. I held my hands in front of the vent, and so did Cal, and he shot me a sheepish smile that made him look more like himself than he had all morning.
I chuckled, and he put the car in drive. We drove down the lane, and I felt full. I was taking the right steps. I just had to keep moving, searching, and discovering.
Everything would fall into place. And then I could figure out what this thing was between me and Cal. I could figure out if he was my future, or if he was someone better left in my past.
I hoped it was the former.
27
Callum
Getting through security at the airport had Lina more frazzled than I had ever seen her. I guessed having no memory of who you were made things difficult when the people at the airport were drilling you with questions with blank stares and angry tones.
She made it out alive, and we found ourselves waiting at the gate for our direct flight with twenty minutes to spare before boarding. I’d brought a pack of playing cards, so we played a couple card games and had a few laughs while we waited.
Once it was time to board, Lina was nervous again. She wasn’t too keen on getting on the plane, and I assured her everything would be fine. She wasn’t convinced. She had no memory of being on a plane, so she had no clue what to expect. My words offered her no comfort.
When we took our seats, she sat with her hands tight on the arm rests. I put my hand over hers. “There’s nothing to worry about, Lina. We don’t take off for another fifteen minutes or so. And once we’re in the air, you’ll see it’s no big deal.”
Lina nodded nervously. “So you keep saying.”
I smiled. “I’ve done this a hundred times. Trust me. I’m practically an expert.”
She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye. “Did I fly a lot?”
I shrugged. “I’m not really sure, but I don’t think it scared you. To be honest, I don’t think anything scared you.”
That earned me a bigger smile. “Really?” she asked.
I nodded earnestly. “Really. You’re a badass, Lina. You just haven’t remembered that part yet.”
I distracted her with small talk until it was time to fasten our seatbelts and prepare for takeoff. I held her hand firmly as the plane taxied to the runway. When the engines started to roar, she let out a nervous, high-pitched giggle. She squeezed her eyes closed when the plane launched forward and picked up speed.
“Oh my God,” she breathed. “Oh my God. Oh my God. It’s happening.”
“Yep, it is. Any second now, we’ll be off the ground.”
“Shit.”
I laughed. “It’s cool. You’ll like it.”
“I don’t think I’ll like it.”
The wheels left the tarmac, and Lina gasped. We gained altitude, and within minutes, we were up in the sky, and Pittsburgh was looking smaller and smaller out the window. Lina eventually opened her eyes and leaned over to peer out down below.
“It’s too bad it isn’t night time,” I told her. “The city looks beautiful at night from up here.”
“Maybe on the way home,” she said. Her voice sounded far away. Her grip on my hand had loosened as she practically pressed her forehead to the window to watch everything pass by below us. I let her sit quietly as she enjoyed the view.
When she’d gotten her fill, she sat back in her seat and looked over at me. She had a guilty little smile on her lips. “You were right. It’s not that bad.”
“You see?”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”
The flight attendants brought us coffee and cookies, and as we ate, we talked about Asher, and my dad, and how good Christmas had been. Then she asked me what I did for a living. Lina pursed her lips. “I can’t believe I haven’t asked you yet.”
I shrugged. “It’s not all that interesting. I’m a lawyer, but I’m also running for office. I’ve been getting everything in order to cut down on my workload at my firm and get more engaged in the city.”
“That’s cool.”
“I think so. It’s a lot of work, though. I’ll have my hands full in the new year trying to juggle it all.”
“You can do it,” she said simply. “I know you can.”
I shrugged. “Time will tell.”
“I’m sorry I’m pulling you away from your work. And from Asher.”
I shook my head. “Don’t be sorry. This is important. We should have done it sooner.” Even as the words left my mouth, I was glad we had waited until now to go to New York. I was glad to have had extra time with her before she pulled back the curtain a little farther on her old life. “We’ll be back in Pittsburgh before you know it.”
We arrived at Lina’s old university at four in the afternoon. Young students were milling about on campus, all bundled up in their winter clothes. We cut across the grounds and made for the office, where Lina introduced herself and asked for her student records. The woman on the other side of the counter was elderly, with a perm straight out of the seventies and gold-framed cat’s eye glasses. They were attached to a beaded chain that she hung them off of when she handed Lina her folder.
“Here you go, dear. These are all photocopies. The school maintains the originals.”
“This is perfect,” Lina said. “Thank you so much.”
The woman, who was wearing a name tag that read “Glenda”, gave Lina a friendly smile. “Is there anything else I can help the two of you with today?”
Lina shook her head. “No, this was all I needed. Thank you. Have a good day.”
“You too, dear. Sir.” She nodded at me.
“Thanks,” I said, and Lina and I left her office and made our way back to the street where my rental car was parked.
When we got in the car, Lina opened the folder and stared down at it in her lap. “I was top of my class.”
“Really?” I asked as I put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb. “To be honest, that doesn’t surprise me. You were always a nerd.”
Lina laughed. “A nerd?”
I nodded. “You heard me. A goody two shoes, too.”
Lina’s laughter filled the car, and I couldn’t help but smile. It was, without a doubt, one of my favorite sounds in the world—besides Asher’s laugh.
“Was I a goody two shoes, or did teachers just like me because of how charming I was?” she asked.
I smirked. “Maybe it was a combination of both.”
Lina continued sifting through the papers in the folder on her lap. I let her read in peace, and I navigated the busy New York City streets to get to our hotel for the night. It was a nice place two blocks down from Times Square, with a modern feel and a room that was much bigger and much nicer than I’d been expecting. After checking in and being seen up to our room by a bell boy, who I tipped generously, we stepped into the room, and Lina’s eyes widened.
“Cal, you didn’t need to get something this extravagant.”
I put our bags down on the king-sized bed. “I didn’t realize it was this swanky.”
Lina shrugged her coat off and draped it over the bed beside our bags before peering around the room.
It was massive. The bed was sectioned off from a living room area with cream-colored sofas and powder-blue cushions. A coffee bar sat behind one of the sofas, and a kitchenette was around the corner. The fridge boasted a bottle of champagne, beers, and sodas.
The bathroom was the most luxurious room in the place. A giant soaker tub with jets was right smack in the middle of the room, and it was filled from a tap in the ceiling. Lina walked around it, her lips parted in awe. “Well, I’ll be getting in this bad boy later.”
“Want company?” I winked.
Lina’s cheeks turned pink, and she nodded. “I would love company.”
“Well, how about we go for a walk and find a nice place to sit and have dinner? Then we can come back here and relax.”
“That sounds lovely.”
After freshening up and changing into slightly nicer, but still very warm clothes, we headed back out into the city. The sidewalks were packed full with people, all hustling and bustling to and from their jobs or social outings. People were running by with gift bags, most likely meeting friends or family they hadn’t been able to see for Christmas. The holiday decorations were being swapped for the glitz and glamour of New Year’s Eve, and when we emerged in Time Square, we could see everything in place for the big ball drop.
We found a place to eat with an enclosed heated patio made of glass. That way, we could still enjoy watching everything happening out on the street while we sipped red wine and ate delicious peppercorn marinated steaks.
Lina was a much better view. I watched her as she watched the city. Her eyes were bright and curious as they followed people back and forth on the other side of the glass. She smiled at children who paused to wave. She was a bright beacon of light that I definitely did not deserve to be in the company with.
I certainly didn’t deserve to take her back to my hotel room and have an intimate night with her.
She was slipping through my fingers with every passing moment. She had no clue, but I did, and I knew that sooner or later, this thing between us was going to go up in flames. Very hot, very wicked, very angry flames. And I would be left where I belonged: in her past.
It was wrong of me to want more time with her. It was even more wrong of me to want one more night with her, but damn the right and wrong of it all. I was in love with Lina Nelson. She was the girl who had captured my heart fifteen years ago, and she had still left her mark on me, even after all this time. Even after a wife who I also loved and missed dearly.
Guilt swirled inside me, but so did need and lust. And love.
I was weak, and I knew it. I would savor this one last night, and then I would come clean. Then things would go back to how they were, and I would come to terms with the fact that she and I were over.
Forever.
We indulged in another glass of wine before I paid the bill. We left, hand in hand like the couple we were not, and went back to the hotel room.
As soon as we were inside, Lina took off her jacket. Then she went into the bathroom. I heard her turn on the water to start filling up the bathtub.
I was sitting on the bed, taking off my shoes, when she appeared in the doorway of the bathroom. She reached one arm up and leaned one hip against the frame. She looked like sin incarnate. Her eyes were heavy with lust that matched the burning desire in my soul. A desire to fill her up. To fuck her and make love to her and kiss her. To taste her everywhere. To drink her up.
“Are you coming, Cal?” she asked huskily.
“Hell yeah.”
28
Lina
Cal’s sexy little smirk had my panties soaking through as I stood in the doorway, one hip pressed to the frame, my lips drawn in a pout I hoped was seductive.
He stood from the bed, undid his belt, and pulled it out of his belt loops. The buckle jingled as he tossed it on the floor, and then he came toward me, loosening his tie with every step.
Damn, he was hot as hell.
Steam wafted up behind me from the tub as he gathered me up in his arms and pressed his lips to the side of my neck. He nibbled at my skin, gently at first and then a little firmer, until he reached my ear. His breath on my neck had me t
urning to putty in his hands as he popped open the button of my jeans. Then, slowly, he pulled my fly down, revealing my pink lace panties beneath.
He snapped the waistband at my hip playfully, and I giggled. He started walking me backward into the bathroom.
I looped my arms over his shoulders as he slid his hands up inside my sweater. His palms were warm and soft, and his fingertips traced the underwire of my bra. When I lifted my hands over my head, he pulled my sweater off and tossed it over his shoulder, where it landed on the carpet beside his belt.
I hurried to undo the buttons of his white shirt. They popped open one by one, exposing taut, tanned, smooth flesh beneath. When I got the shirt off him, I ran my hands over his chest. He pulled a condom out of his pocket and flicked it past me into the bathroom, where it landed on the floor beside the tub.
His muscles rippled and flexed beneath his skin as he popped open his jeans and pulled them down. He stepped out of them and then out of his boxers.
My jeans were quick to follow his on the floor, and soon, I stood before him in my matching bra and panties. To say that I had been thinking about this all day was an understatement.
I’d been thinking about fucking Cal again every second since it happened. I’d been fantasizing about his body, about his hands on my body, and the way it felt to have his skin rushing against mine as he thrust himself in and out of me.
Cal put his hand between my legs, cupping my pussy, and I trembled at his touch. He must have been able to feel how wet I was through my thin lace panties as he continued to push me back toward the tub.
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