by NB VanYoos
* * * *
Tyler had no concept of time so he couldn’t judge how long he’d been searching. The new part of his awareness recorded every galaxy, star, and planet visited, but the numbers boggled his mind.
Out of the millions he’d seen, he’d found hundreds of thousands of planets similar to Earth. But they were not Earth. Most supported life, but much of it was primitive and bestial—civilizations were hard to come by.
Weary from his search, he fended off feelings of hopelessness. That sense of failure filled his mind as he orbited a planet that, from a distance, looked Earth-like. But up close, he realized the colors weren’t ocean blues, brown land, or white clouds. Instead, gasses filled the thick atmosphere obscuring the planet’s true surface.
From a distance, everything within the system seemed similar to what he thought Earth was a part of. There were several gas giants, one with rings, and another with colors he was certain were similar to Jupiter. Even the planet below him had a moon like Earth. But once he was up close, the moon was different and the planet was clearly not Earth.
Maddening depression threatened to deflate his motivation and end his quest. The search was surely hopeless, but the promise of seeing Linda and his home had kept him going. For all he knew, hundreds or thousands of years had passed by while he searched aimlessly through the cosmos. He didn’t pretend to understand time or how it worked, but searching millions of systems clearly took a great deal of time. It was conceivable Earth no longer existed.
The new Tyler could not sense time. Because he moved so fast through the Universe, how much real time flew past while he blurred through the empty space between galaxies? He imagined he could devise a way to measure it, but was too despondent to try. Perhaps later, he thought, perhaps later.
He gazed at the lonely planet below, what little motivation remained dissipated. What life could live in that soup of an atmosphere? Certainly not life as he recognized it. But at this point, any intelligence would be welcome. The loneliness of his quest was taking its toll.
You’ll never find it, give up the hunt. The voice from the depths, small and persistent, urged calmly. He knew it was the alien presence, but he no longer feared it. He began to believe it might be the only intelligent being he would ever find. No, do not give in now! The new resolve rose in defense, fighting to prevent the alien take-over. He was torn by these contradicting feelings and it deepened his sadness. In his current mood, he no longer cared who won.
The swirling colors of the multi-hued atmosphere mesmerized him. Without consciously trying, he transitioned into the thick atmosphere. From his new vantage, darkness filled the space below. It was an indication land might exist. The atmosphere was tinged with blue mottled by streaks of browns and whites. He thought the browns were likely storms as lightning illuminated the sky.
Even with storms, the atmosphere seemed almost calm as the gas barely moved past his awareness. Despite the frustrations, he was fascinated by the world around him. He transitioned to the planet’s surface, and from this depth, the sky was a dark blue, nearly black. The thickness of the atmosphere blocked out most of the sun’s rays, and oddly enough, the isolating blackness was comforting. He hovered above the ground, letting depression seize him in a debilitating melancholy.
He daydreamed of a time before his fate had changed—a time on Earth. He remembered good things and bad, wondering what had happened to Linda and her life. He knew Raul would miss his best salesperson. Tyler could be replaced, but he knew Raul could never trust anyone like he had trusted him. Perhaps Raul finally quit the business, his investments and financial prowess providing him with the comfortable cushion he needed to leave it all behind. With relations in the business, it would have been easy for Raul to walk away.
A part of Tyler hoped he did. He’d liked Raul, even loved him like a brother. Considering Tyler’s current predicament, he wanted better for everyone he knew. He hoped Linda went back to her family and made up for the lost time she’d wasted with him. Maybe she married someone who would take care of her the way she deserved.
He’d failed completely by dragging her into his world of never ending parties where you never dried out long enough to experience lows. He’d always admired her for being able to say no, something he couldn’t do.
Having been without for so long, he felt pangs of withdrawal tempting him with the numbing effects that would ease his pain and suffering. But he knew nothing could do that now. He was alone forever, wandering the Universe, detached, insubstantial, and insignificant.
You are not alone, a voice inside insisted. It was closer than before, winning the battle for control. He didn’t care. Perhaps he should let it take over, let it take what was left of him and force him into exile within.
No, never, the other, stronger self persisted. He wished he could lock it away, place it into the catacombs of his subconscious. It was more than annoying, it was the part that kept him lonely, forcing him to search for a world he would never see again. Go away, he shouted, but his plea held no force.
Maybe these internal battles were making him crazy—some kind of schizophrenia caused by the change? He’d consumed enough drugs to think it might be possible. No, the thought was flat and emotionless, but he wasn’t sure which part had said it. The part of his awareness not focused inside spotted movement in the distance. He refocused to the distant horizon. Over a small rise in the landscape, Tyler watched as a swarm of glowing balls moved on an invisible wind.
Thousands crested the hill like a school of fish in a swift current. In fact, the blue tinge of the atmosphere made the illusion of an ocean more real. He watched them move closer. What were they? Were they alive?
Surely they couldn’t be alive? He had no way to gauge their size, but they were similar to glowing softballs. He moved into the school and inspected each one as it flew past. They emanated a soft pink glow, and inside each globe, small bits of darkness were sprinkled haphazardly. Up close, he decided they were like round jellyfish.
He watched as they flew silently past, wondering if they were alive despite being insubstantial bubbles. They looked alive, as if the school were by design rather than a random event. Suddenly, two of the creatures collided, melding into a single, larger bubble. They stayed together for a short while shifting with patterns and colors. But as quickly as they came together, they separated. When they parted, hundreds of glowing sparkles fell to the ground like pixie dust.
What was that? Had they mated? Were they producing eggs? Tyler grew curious. The alien voice confirmed his suspicions, but he ignored the presence as he watched the funny globes.
More of them merged, dropping their glowing dust as they separated. He watched a pair split and noticed one of the globes faded before disappearing completely. Did it die? He wasn’t sure. He’d heard of animals on Earth that died after mating, their entire purpose for living having been served.
He transitioned downstream as the school swarmed over the next rise, moving with the flow of the atmosphere. Just ahead, two more split from mating, the glowing dust spread across the ground. One of the creatures came directly at Tyler, its glow fading as it approached. As Tyler watched the fading light, he felt a strong pull into the dull ball.
It was the most unusual sensation he’d ever experienced. He was no longer Tyler but the creature and felt everything that made up its simple existence. It was odd, the creature was so primitive Tyler only sensed an overwhelming desire to mate. He needed to merge with another of its kind to produce the next generation.
He floated with the school, familiar sensations filling him with that which he’d missed for too long. He felt the gentle breeze pushing them, and he sensed the creature had been born only a very short while before, its drive to mate ending in death whether successful or not.
His presence brought the creature back to life, if only briefly. The drive to mate was more powerful than anything Tyler had experienced before, and he sensed the presence of the others around him, urging him to merge. T
he yearning desire consumed his thoughts while a part of him remained disconnected and observant.
Another creature flew near and Tyler became excited by the anticipation. He felt it touch, and slowly they merged into a single entity. With a powerful rush of light and sensations, he felt the mingling of souls as their bodies became one. The pleasurable feelings grew greater, building in waves he hoped would never crash. The euphoria consumed him like fire, burning with pleasure beyond his wildest dreams.
Finally, as pleasure became pain, it crested in an orgasmic release that shook the bodies until they tore apart. With the release, a cool sensation swept through Tyler, and their pixie dust eggs fell to the ground to spawn a new generation in the endless cycle. Tyler never felt so alive, so purposeful, and so complete. So this was true mating? He knew it was more than sex. He was part of a greater purpose—whole and complete as he realized the species would survive—that a part of him would survive.
He was giddy from the experience, and felt swept away in its lingering after-effects. He flew happily on the breeze, his mission fulfilled. Almost like dozing off, he felt the creature begin to fade, dying after its contribution was given. As the feelings finally dissipated, Tyler felt a pop as he was pulled out of the creature, left to watch it disappear into the gloom. It was gone, but its offspring would mark the memory of its passing.
As he was released, his motion stopped as the school continued to drift by. I must do that again, he thought, determined to feel those sensations once more. No drug was so intense, so fulfilling, and he moved back into their midst hoping to relive the experience.
If only I knew how it had happened. He watched helpless as they flew through him, merging and separating without his participation. What had I done?
He puzzled over the previous incident as two more separated ahead of him. One of the creatures flew past his right while the other went through him as it began to fade. Once again, he felt the familiar rush as his spirit was pulled into the creature, restoring life into its failing body. Although he didn’t have actual sight, he sensed the community around him as they flowed on the steady breeze. Many passed close, producing the exciting sensation caused by his sense of desperation. He was driven to merge, to produce the next generation before all vanished in the wind. The feeling was so intense he pulsed violently from the anxiety coursing through the fragile body.
Despite his excitement, others in the stream kept their distance, choosing to wait for another. Frustration threatened to overcome reason until another creature moved fast toward him. He glowed brighter as he fought for a chance to couple. As it drew near, he felt an electric current pulse through the body, preparing for the event that would follow. As before, the two bodies touched, merging into a single creature, their essence becoming one. Both shared the ancient need to procreate, to reproduce their species and bring the next generation into the world.
They pulsed with waves of pleasure building to the ultimate crescendo he knew waited at the end. The feeling grew intense, ecstasy sweeping through him, carrying him to a place he’d never known. It would end with a final release, but he held onto it while it lasted.
This was the ultimate drug he’d needed. This was the escape from his predicament. He lost himself in the experience, floating breathless on a sea of pleasure. Like a wave finally breaking on a beach, the pleasure crested with the orgasmic release that sent the next generation showering to take its rightful place in the Universe. The moment satiated him in a euphoric dream state where nothing mattered but the fulfillment of the ultimate purpose.
Once again, the creature faded releasing Tyler from its bonds. He was happy but wanted more of this ultimate high. He still wasn’t sure how he had entered the creature but he was determined to keep trying.
He positioned himself in the middle of the flow, waiting for the transition. Look for the dying ones. The thought surfaced unbidden from inside. Was it the alien communicating? Tyler wasn’t certain but accepted the advice quietly. He focused on a nearby couple nearing release. He followed as they swept past pulsing with the light Tyler knew was pleasure.
Finally they split, releasing their eggs into the current. Tyler focused on one of the creatures, looking for its light to fade. But it didn’t, it continued its journey glowing brightly. He quickly scanned for the other creature, but couldn’t make it out in the swarm. Wait, there it was! Tyler transitioned in front of it too late, as the light left an empty shell falling to the ground. Damn!
The process was too difficult, and Tyler’s anger surfaced from the frustration. Apparently these creatures had differences, like male and female. He wasn’t sure which was which but figured the male was likely the one that dropped dead after mating. This always seemed to be the case.
He scanned the flow, looking for another pair nearing completion. He spotted a large ball but knew he wouldn’t know which was the male. He decided to scan for the telltale signs. As if helping him through the difficulties, the two creatures drifted only a small distance apart after separation. He watched for any indication a creature was dying, and finally, the one on the right dimmed. Tyler repositioned himself, desperate to make this work.
Like being drawn through a long tunnel, he felt the pull that filled the helpless creature with his powerful spirit. As quickly as he took over, he began his hunt, seeking a suitable mate without delay. Once more, he played out the addictive dance, following the music to its conclusion. Tyler didn’t know whether the opposite sex felt the same experience, but he was willing to bet they did. They were fortunate to experience the same pleasure without the destructive ending. Oh, well, to die after such bliss wasn’t necessarily a bad way to go.
Tyler no longer cared for anything except the hunt for the powerful pleasures he would not deny himself. His quest for Earth fell to the side as self-gratification consumed him with lust. Everything took a back seat to his immediate satisfaction. One after another, Tyler kept up the hunt, possessing creature after creature, merging, releasing, merging, releasing, lost in the high that took away the pain and made life worth living.
Tyler lost count of the creatures he went through, as time stood still among his spiraling euphoria. He had a single purpose, merge and release. He took another creature, filling its dying body, bringing it back from death to breed the offspring that would inherit this desolate world. The wind pushed him through the stream as he sought another mate. He felt the presence of another approaching, and excitement grew. It moved closer before suddenly veering upward and away from Tyler.
What!? He was certain it had been coming toward him. Tyler felt uneasy as he sensed the stream of creatures flowing past at incredible speeds. He hadn’t popped out of the creature, so how had he stopped? Everything flew past in a frustrating rush leaving him lonely and afraid. He was no longer moving, his progress stopped by some unknown obstacle. Desperation surfaced as the fear he would never get another chance seized him.
The remnants of the creature yearned to mate—but it couldn’t move. Without appendages, they were helpless, stuck. Just as intense as mating, the sensation of not mating threatened to overwhelm him. He felt horror as the last of the creatures darted past him on their journey in the wind.
The pleasure was replaced with the loneliness of a wasted life. Depression hit hard, dragging him from the earlier highs. He now knew what it was truly like to miss the great opportunity life offered. He remembered his own life and the wasted efforts that didn’t bear fruit. Grief consumed him, his misery rushing back as the reality staggered his soul with frustration. Darkness descended over his awareness, plunging him into a chasm of self-pity, self-loathing, and despair.
He wanted to die. Why didn’t you destroy me? He shouted at the Universal void. Echoes of those voices taunted him with their sweet prediction of things to come. Why did they want him to live? What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to become? Why must he be tortured with a life that never ended?
Even the death of the creature would not release him from his
misery. He would pop-out once more to roam the Universe as an insubstantial creature in the ethereal plane. He had no purpose, no life, and no hope. Adrift in the Universe, he was banished to wander it aimlessly, seeking a distant world he couldn’t recognize that probably no longer existed.
Sure, it exists, you’ll find it. Even his voice of determination was depleted, unable to withstand the depression consuming him. He drifted inward, letting go of his will. He wondered whether the alien could take away the pain and banish him to non-existence.
Sure I can, the voice drifted into his awareness. It was alien, yet familiar. No, don’t let it out! His newfound determination resisted, urging him to take control. Tyler’s awareness listened as the two parts fought for control. He didn’t care who won. He didn’t care what happened. He didn’t care about anything.
He was forever trapped in his own awareness. They would both live useless lives, failing to complete the cycle, failing to recreate their existence.
Linda had wanted it, wanted it for a long time. But Tyler’s selfish addictions kept them from fulfilling that destiny. Now, nothing of Tyler remained on Earth except the fading memories of those who had known him. Soon, those would fade, and he would be just another soul lost in the blurring vision of history.
Perhaps it was fitting, trapped in a creature on some distant world, alone and dying. If only he could die! Die and escape this wandering purgatory where life could only be experienced through others. You could never possess a life of your own. The pleasure of the mating had only been another drug to escape his pathetic existence. His whole life, short as it was, had been nothing more than one giant escape—an escape from everything that made life worth living.
And now he was trapped, unable to undo his past, and destined to repeat it over and over again. He was certain he’d never felt more hatred towards himself than he did at that moment. A life squandered, he thought miserably. Squandered because he was unfit to live, unfit to follow the cycle that existed for millennia.
Perhaps it was his upbringing, or maybe his genetic makeup? But those, too, were escapes, excuses for the failures that were surely of his design. How innocent to think some outside influence brought him here, made him give up his life to waste away the years he should have spent building something with Linda. But he could not surrender to that lie, he was to blame.
It may have been an alien or some cosmic accident that brought him to this distant world, but he was to blame for the life he’d wasted. He hoped Linda not only grieved him, but felt anger towards him for blowing their one chance at proving their worth. He deserved no less than her wrath.
He sensed the creature fading, its life ending after Tyler’s failure to procreate. Tyler didn’t know how long they really lived, but he did take comfort in knowing the creature had succeeded before his hostile takeover—it was he who had failed.
The last of the life drained, and Tyler was released. He felt the insubstantial essence of his being spread out around the dead creature, and he stared at the lifeless husk trapped in a fissure on the side of a small cliff. At least it found death, something denied Tyler.
He transitioned off-planet, into the dark void of space. The melancholy would never leave as he continued to wallow in his shortcomings. He would be the greatest ghost the Universe would know, forever tormenting himself for the life squandered. What better hell for someone who had wasted the precious gifts of life?
He stared at the distant sun, entranced by its intensity. He yearned for it to burn him, destroy him in a fiery blaze of molten gas. He transitioned above its surface, awed by the pulsing of the internal fusion powering the giant ball of gas. He transitioned inside the turbulent inferno surrounded by waves of electric fire dancing to their own rhythms. But still he felt nothing. It was a silent movie, visually intense, but without sound, feeling, or emotion.
A wave pushed through him, blinding him to the surface in a white hot light. He transitioned deeper, seeking out a place to hide, a place to curl into a ball and let the depression consume him. Let the alien take over, I do not want to live, I do not want this existence!
Anger and resolve drove him deeper into the star as he sank deeper into his subconscious. He willed himself away, trying to undo what had been done. He felt nothing of the boiling mass around him, only the blinding light an indication he still lived. It swept through him and around him, as he forced his essence into a tight ball.
I want to die!
The thought filled his awareness as he tried to force himself from existence. Let the alien have it, I don’t care. It was the last thought Tyler had before falling into a deep sleep.