And when he whispered for her to let go, she had no choice but to obey, her body exploding into a million glimmering flashes all around her. It was as if light and fire rained down over them, consuming her even as it set her ablaze her from the inside out.
“More,” she whispered as she returned to herself, because still it wasn’t enough. “I want all of you, Finn.”
She couldn’t let him stop now because if she allowed reality back she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to deny what a mistake this was. Yes, she’d been the one to put limits on what was between them but he’d effectively busted through every internal defense she’d created. She was teetering on the edge of fully losing her heart, and still she didn’t want it to end.
“Nothing I want more,” he said as he reached for his wallet.
She swallowed back a whimper of protest when he shifted away from her, but after sheathing himself with the condom, he returned. The weight of him felt glorious and she tried to remind herself that this feeling of security was an illusion. In a few weeks, his plan for retooling the bank would be in place, and he’d return to Seattle. She’d stay in Starlight and though only an hour separated them, their time together would be at an end.
That was how she wanted it.
Why was it so difficult to hold on to that thought?
“You okay?” Finn asked, his voice so gentle, tears pricked the back of her eyes. She could feel him at her center, but he didn’t move, and she knew he would stop this here if that was what she wanted. He was allowing her to choose, willingly giving her the power to decide what happened next. Kaitlin had spent her life being forced into decisions based on fear or anxiety or a host of other unhealthy emotions.
This moment was hers.
She rolled her hips, bringing him closer. “I’m better than okay,” she promised. “Please, Finn. Now.”
He licked a path from the base of her throat up to her jaw. “You with the please,” he said, then claimed her mouth.
A moment later he entered her, all heat and velvet strength. Kaitlin moaned, the feel of the two of them joined in this way so right. She knew she’d never be the same but welcomed the change. It was a reclaiming of sorts—of trusting herself to decide without an overarching fear of what would come next.
She wanted to be done with worry ruling her life, and Finn felt like a perfect way to forge a new path. Sensation bathed her in golden light, and she welcomed it. Welcomed everything she hadn’t allowed herself to feel.
So what if it ended? This was her moment and as they found their release together, she knew that this moment was all that mattered.
Chapter Twelve
Finn blinked awake early the next morning, a slow grin spreading across his face at the sight of Kaitlin sleeping next to him. Her blond hair spread across the pillow like a slumbering wave. Last night had been...
Amazing. Mind-blowing. Scary as hell.
The last thought had him tensing, and he forced himself to relax again when she stirred with a soft humph. She turned her head but didn’t seem to wake, a tiny gift for which he was eternally grateful.
He needed a minute to gather himself and his chaotic emotions. Mostly because the emotions were a shock.
In the throes of passion, it had been easy to rationalize them as a reaction to great sex. Mind-blowing sex. Even this morning, if he really wanted to pretend, he could allow himself to believe that the vague twinge in his chest was the waning afterglow.
But that was a lie.
His heart had shifted sometime in the night, or maybe the overarching pleasure of being with Kaitlin had finally shaken loose the emotions he’d been trying to control. She meant something to him. She made him feel things he hadn’t allowed himself to in years.
Which gave her the power to wreck him.
After his mom died, it had been easy for Finn to close down his heart. What other choice did a motherless son have? His father had been too consumed by his own grief to shepherd Finn or Ella through theirs. Finn understood he was stunted by the loss but until now it hadn’t mattered.
He’d made himself a success, which was important. More significantly, his two best friends had agreed that the complications of love weren’t worth the trouble. He wasn’t alone. He belonged to a trio of hard-hearted men, and although it might not be healthy, it worked for all of them.
In fact, he figured the walls he’d built around his heart were a benefit in the long run. When he left Starlight, he hadn’t planned to ever marry, but when it became clear it was expected in the firm, he knew he’d be able to choose a wife based on practical criteria. Someone who could be a partner for him. His imagined wife would complement him and he’d support and make her happy to the best of his ability. He simply wouldn’t fall in love.
Easy enough.
Only not with a woman like Kaitlin. Last night was proof that he had no defense she couldn’t breach, no way to keep any part of himself from her. Or to keep himself from craving all of her.
That simply wouldn’t work.
He quietly got out of the bed and gathered his clothes, carrying them out of the bedroom and into the main part of the house.
As he dressed, he tried a million different ways to convince himself he was overreacting. Maybe this was the proverbial sowing of his oats. After all, Kaitlin had made it crystal clear that she didn’t want a future with him.
He thought her argument about coming from two different worlds a bunch of nonsense, but it might be the thing to keep them both safe.
Still, he needed time. Distance. A bit of perspective. He wasn’t an inexperienced kid reading too much into a night of passion. He would have laughed at his rambling thoughts if they didn’t make him feel so damn pathetic.
He started a pot of coffee and then left the guesthouse, lifting his head to the gray sky overhead. A fine mist hovered in the morning air, giving the property an odd, somber quality. A perfect match for his mood.
He let himself into his dad’s rancher through the laundry room, remembering all the times he and his buddies had stopped up the utility sink with dirt or gravel they’d gathered from the woods that bordered the backyard for terraria or other boyhood projects. His house had been their central hangout, and looking back on things with the perspective of adulthood, he realized his father had done the best he could. He might not have been emotionally available, but Jack had allowed Finn and Ella to make messes and forts with friends, trashing the house and yard as long as it kept them busy and seemingly happy.
Not that any of them had found much happiness once they were without Finn’s mom. He took the stairs two at a time and changed into a T-shirt and shorts before returning to the main floor. It wasn’t even six in the morning, so he had time for a run before showering and getting ready for work. He hoped pounding the pavement, or at least the trail that wound through the forest, would help clear his head.
“Late night?” a voice asked as he entered the kitchen.
His father sat in one of the swivel chairs at the island, a newspaper open in front of him. He reminded Finn of some of the older partners at the regional office of his bank, who started every day with a cup of coffee and the Wall Street Journal, the same way they had for decades upon decades.
Back in the day, Finn’s mom had been the one to gather the morning paper once his father left for work, shoving it into the recycling bin, muttering about how she was a glorified maid.
“Do you miss her?” Finn blurted, then felt color rise to his cheeks when his father’s eyes widened.
“It’s been almost twenty years,” Jack answered, slowly folding the paper.
His plan for a run forgotten, Finn hurried toward the coffeepot next to the sink, both because he needed the caffeine and to give himself an excuse to avoid eye contact with his dad.
They hadn’t discussed his mother in over a decade.
“I know,” he said as he
poured a cup. “But nothing has changed in this house since the day she died. Being back here makes me think of her more, so I can’t imagine it’s different for you.”
“I’ve changed,” Jack answered. “I don’t need to get rid of frames or tchotchkes that belonged to her. I still regret how badly you and your sister were hurt by her death and how I handled it, but I could never regret the time we had with her.”
“Tell me you’re not lying about being in remission,” Finn whispered.
As if sensing that Finn was on the precipice of losing it, his father stood. “It’s the truth, son. I’m not going anywhere. It’s good to have you back in Starlight. The bank is going to be okay with your help. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that—”
“Wait.” Finn held up a hand, a sick pit opening in his gut as instinct flared. “Did you purposely put First Trust in this position so I’d be forced to step in?”
His dad’s gaze softened even further. “I haven’t been able to force you to do anything since you were in elementary school, and barely even then. I love this town and the people who live here. I think I lost track of the fact that I have to balance running a business with my desire to help people who need it.”
Finn studied his father, trying to decide if this was the truth or a master manipulation.
“Come on,” his dad insisted. “I couldn’t have predicted you’d be back here for Daniel’s funeral or that Doug would talk to you about the current state of the bank.”
“But I would have heard about it sooner rather than later anyway. You know part of what my division does is liquidating struggling financial institutions.”
“The bank has been part of my life forever.” His dad shook his head. “I wouldn’t sabotage it.”
“Fine,” Finn answered, but part of him wasn’t convinced. “I’m going for a run before I shower. I have a meeting with senior management at eight thirty.”
“I’ll see you at the office,” his dad said as Finn turned for the door. “What made you change your mind about Seth’s loan?”
Finn paused. “Nothing in particular,” he lied as an image of Kaitlin’s dark eyes flashed in his mind. He rubbed at his chest. “The more I thought about it, the more sense it made.”
“I’m not sure I believe you,” Jack said, “but I’m glad for it.”
“Yeah,” Finn agreed, not meeting his father’s gaze. He wasn’t sure when Jack Samuelson had gotten so damn insightful, but he didn’t like it one bit.
“One more thing, son,” his father called when Finn was almost to the hall. He stopped but didn’t turn.
“Kaitlin is special, and not just to me. She deserves to be happy.”
At that, Finn turned. “Are you implying that I can’t make her happy?”
“Not at all.” His father ran a fingertip over the empty ring finger on his left hand. “I’m warning you to leave her alone unless you plan to make her happy.”
Finn wanted to argue. He hadn’t liked being told what to do when he’d been a kid, and he sure as hell didn’t now. But he only gave a sharp nod and headed out of the house. Kaitlin deserved happiness, and if his dad wanted to advocate for her, so be it.
He hit the ground at a pace he hadn’t managed since he was on the cross-country team in high school. Maybe the physical punishment would clear his head and his heart.
At least it would hurt enough to help him ignore everything else for a time. That might have to be enough.
* * *
Main Street Perk had a line of people almost to the door when Kaitlin walked in the next morning on her way to the office. She’d been so baffled at waking to find no trace of Finn that she’d left her travel mug of coffee on the counter.
She struggled not to feel hurt that in the morning light it was as if their night together hadn’t even happened. Had it meant so little to him that he’d been eager to make his escape?
It counted in his favor that he’d made coffee for her before he sneaked out. Sort of. The coffee had been thoughtful, but it didn’t change the fact that he’d left without a word or note.
She couldn’t let herself read too much into either his tenderness while they were together or the unexpected disappearance this morning. She’d been the one to mandate the rules. For all Finn knew, she didn’t want anything more than a fun night of passion with him.
Except it had been so much more than that—at least for her. Thank heavens she’d mandated the rules before they got naked. Those guidelines might be the only thing keeping her heart safe.
A few people left the line, grumbling about the wait, and she moved forward. She should really be at work already but her stomach turned to knots every time she thought of facing Finn.
So much for living in the moment as she had last night. Now that the moment was over, the one that had left her feeling satisfied in a way she hadn’t realized was possible, all her doubts came flooding back. Doubts about her worth as a person and whether or not she deserved the happiness she’d found in Starlight. Impostor syndrome reared its nasty head like a venomous snake just waiting to strike.
The line moved again, and she tried to tamp down the anxiety that rose like a wave inside her. Maybe she should go for a cup of herbal tea instead of caffeine.
“Can I help you?”
Kaitlin blinked, realizing that she’d made it to the counter, so wrapped up in her own head she hadn’t even registered the passing minutes.
A pretty but harried-looking brunette stood on the other side. She flashed Kaitlin a smile that was just this side of panicked.
Although the woman seemed familiar, Kaitlin was almost positive she’d never seen her in the coffee shop. “I’ll have a grande skinny vanilla latte.”
The woman stared at her for a moment, then grabbed a cup. “Can you repeat the order, but a little slower this time?” She met Kaitlin’s gaze and grimaced. “It’s my first day, and I’m not exactly up on the ordering lingo.”
“I’ll take over.” A skinny kid plucked the cup and marker the woman held. “Brynn, you can wipe down tables.”
The woman’s mouth thinned. “Nanci wanted me taking orders,” she protested weakly.
“Not when you keep getting them wrong,” the kid answered with a sneer. “You can come back to the counter after the morning rush.”
“Sure,” the woman agreed. “James will finish your order.”
Kaitlin nodded and offered what she hoped was a reassuring smile.
She watched Brynn Hale walk away, shoulders slumped, as James quickly marked the cup with the shorthand for her order, which wasn’t overly complicated as coffee drinks went. Still, she felt a huge wave of empathy for Brynn.
She’d only met the woman personally once or twice, but everyone in town knew the story of Brynn’s recently deceased husband, whose body had been found in the wreckage of his truck with his alleged mistress. Brynn now had a son to raise on her own, and she imagined the widow had taken this job as a first step in her new life as a single mother.
She paid for her coffee and, after the barista handed it to her, headed for the door. But at the sight of Brynn swiping at her cheeks as she filled the napkin dispenser on the far counter, Kaitlin detoured toward the woman. “It won’t be long until you get the hang of things around here,” she said, making a show of taking a napkin like that was her main purpose.
Brynn let out a disbelieving laugh. “I drink black coffee,” she admitted. “I don’t seem to know what customers are talking about half the time.”
“You’ll figure it out.” She placed a hand on the woman’s sleeve. “New beginnings can be hard.”
“Harder than anything I’ve ever done,” Brynn whispered, her gaze trained on Kaitlin’s hand.
“I’m sorry about your husband,” Kaitlin said, feeling like she needed to offer something in the way of a condolence.
Brynn’s mouth tightened, but s
he nodded. “Thank you.” She glanced up at Kaitlin. “You work for Jack Samuelson, right?”
It was Kaitlin’s turn to nod. “I’m Kaitlin Carmody.”
“Nice to officially meet you, Kaitlin. I’m glad Finn is staying in town to help with things at First Trust.”
“It means a lot to his dad. I guess you and Finn were friends in high school?”
“We grew up together,” Brynn said, her mouth gentling into a small smile. “We all hung around in the same crowd. It was a huge shock when he left town. Everyone assumed he’d take over the bank.”
“I think he wanted to make his own way in the world.”
“Yeah.” Brynn sighed. “Neither Daniel nor I had that choice. I guess that’s part of what made him so dissatisfied with his life. I held him back. His future was determined with one reckless decision on prom night.”
“Would you have left Starlight if you had the chance?”
Brynn’s eyes widened for a moment, and Kaitlin immediately regretted the question. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to pry into your personal life. It’s just that this community feels perfect to me. It’s hard for me to imagine why anyone would want to leave.”
“It’s pretty great,” Brynn agreed. “I don’t mind the question. I wouldn’t have changed anything because my son is the best thing I never imagined happening in my life. He’s worth all of it. Now I just need to figure out how to support the two of us.” She placed the box of napkins under the reclaimed-wood sideboard. “The woman who owns this place used to babysit me, so she offered me a job and was willing to be flexible with my hours. If possible, I want to work while Tyler is in school.”
“I hope you’re able to manage that.”
“I might need to find something that I can actually handle. Mara Reed did my training and I thought I was ready, but this morning has been a rude wake-up call.”
“Like I said, you’ll catch on and be whipping up half-caff soy extra-shot lattes in no time.”
The Best Intentions (Welcome To Starlight Book 1) Page 12