“Are we having a blackout because she quit?” someone asked.
“What are we supposed to do?”
Apparently, sit in the dark.
After about fifteen minutes, my history teacher, Ms. McQuade, came in. “What are you kids doing in here? Didn’t you hear? The electricity is out in the whole school. There’s some kind of problem with the power lines. You have the rest of the day off.”
At that, everyone started cheering.
CHAPTER 40
The mission was accomplished with satisfying precision. My squirrel pawns chewed through the power lines of the boy-ogre’s so-called school in minutes, then vanished into the trees like the ninja shadow raccoons of the planet Kleen 897.
After removing the VQ helmet, I contemplated a Victory Nap. But instead, I opened the boy-ogre’s laptop and performed several vital searches.
Earth satellite “approval process” time length
why do ogres make everything so difficult?
butter sculptor for hire
crustless tomatoless pizzas near me
While searching for dinner, a messaging box popped up in the center of the screen.
I know what you’re doing.
I felt the fur on the back of my spine rise up.
You won’t get away with this.
Get away with what? Trying to find a pizza free of disgusting vegetables?
Your days are numbered, Mr. X.
Now this was interesting. I typed a response.
That is absurd. My days are infinite! Also, I despise that name.
What should I call you then?
I considered how much to reveal about myself. But for too long I had kept my true identity a secret in this dismal wasteland!
You may call me . . . WYSS-KUZZ!
It now took several moments before the next line appeared.
Do you mean WHISKERS?
No, you FURLESS OGRE! I do NOT.
Furless what?
I paused. I didn’t want to give away too much. As the ancients say, ’Tis better to know your enemy than to know yourself.
Who IS this?
It doesn’t feel so good to be the one getting hacked, does it, WYSS-KUZZ???
Ah, so it was the agent-ogre from the fortress across the street! And she appeared to think she could challenge me. How preposterous! Still, it was nice to have an opponent—particularly one who had no hope of success. She typed another message.
We are onto you and your sinister plans.
My paws flew like lightning over the keyboard.
You have no idea how powerful I have become. I am one slight step away from TAKING OVER THE ENTIRE EARTH! And there is NOTHING you can do about it, Human!
I waited for a response, but none came. What was she doing? Well, I did have ways of finding out.
CHAPTER 41
Since school had ended about twenty minutes after it started, Cedar and Steve decided that we should go over to Annie’s house early. Cedar wanted to finish bagging the last of the leaves, and we all were hoping for more cookies.
Baked goods aside, I wasn’t excited to be there. I was still worried that Annie had somehow figured out about Klawde. But I was glad to be hanging out with my friends. I’d missed them. And as I scooped up leaves to put in the bag, it seemed like even my allergies were better.
“See?” Cedar said. “I told you it was the flu.”
Yeah, the VQ flu, I thought. Maybe the cure was being outside. The actual outside.
When we were done, I rang Annie’s doorbell.
It took a minute for her to answer, and when she did it was almost like she was surprised to see us. As she got out some money, she said, “Oh, shoot! I’ve been so busy with work today that I forgot to bake your cookie bonus.”
“Oh, that’s okay,” I said, even though I was bummed. I’d been hoping for snickerdoodles.
Cedar and Steve hopped on their bikes to head home, and I turned to go across the street.
“Hey, Raj, can you hang back a moment?” Annie called.
I felt a knot in my stomach. What did she need to talk to me about now?
“I’m right in the middle of something on the computer so I only have a second, but I need to ask you a question,” she said. “Does the term ‘furless ogre’ mean anything to you?”
My heart started beating faster.
“Uh, no,” I said, trying hard not to sound like a liar. “Is that, like, the title of a kids’ book or something?”
“No . . . ,” Annie said. “Frankly, I don’t know what it is. How about ‘Wyss-Kuzz’? Does that mean anything to you?” Her face suddenly looked concerned. “Raj, are you feeling okay?”
No, I was not. “I’m fine,” I croaked.
As I did, a leaf fell on my head. Glancing up, I saw a squirrel staring down at us, almost like it was following our conversation. It looked just like a furry gargoyle.
CHAPTER 42
Operating the Zom-Beam in single-squirrel mode, I was seeing through the eyes of a pawn perched upon a branch. From this vantage point, I observed the agent-ogre’s attempt to interrogate my Human. I was pleased that he did not crack under the pressure; perhaps there was hope for him yet. Clearly, the agent-ogre had become obsessed with trying to stop me.
This, of course, was flattering, as nothing speaks to the brilliance of a powerful warlord like having a foe desperate to defeat them. Even a Human one.
I lost visual on the boy-ogre as he fled the agent-ogre and entered our fortress, but I heard the clomp of his footsteps as he came up the stairs. (Such noisy beasts, these ogres.) I removed the VQ helmet to find the Human staring at me with a stern look.
“Why hello, Raj,” I said. “You’re home early today. Was school less electrifying than usual?”
He looked confused for a moment. Then he shook his head and pointed at me. “Why was Lindy’s mom—you know, the FBI agent—asking me about ‘furless ogres’?” he demanded. “Have you been chatting with her online?”
I curled myself up on his sleeping platform. “Absolutely not. I swear on the life of my minion. I swear on your life.”
“You’re lying,” he said. “And I know it, because you also told her your name was Wyss-Kuzz!”
I purred.
“Fine. It’s true,” I said. “I have been communicating with her. We are that special kind of friends known as ‘enemies.’”
“She called you a hostile entity.”
“I know—it is a nice thing to say about someone.”
“I don’t think you know what it means.”
“I don’t think you do.”
The boy-Human groaned. “She’s going to get you.”
“She can’t stop me.”
“Stop you from what?”
There could be no reversing my scheme now, so why bother keeping it to myself? I told my ogre everything.
CHAPTER 43
When Klawde finished explaining, my legs practically gave out from underneath me.
My evil alien warlord cat was a billionaire tech entrepreneur who had bought a network of satellites so he could take over Earth with an army of zombie squirrels. And the one person who could stop him happened to live across the street and paid me to do her yard work, partly in cookies.
And people call movies unrealistic.
“But, Klawde!” I said. “Why would you want to conquer Earth?”
“I’m surprised by your reaction,” he said. “I thought you would be happy that I am taking an interest in your planet.”
“But what’s—it’s”—I stammered—“you have to—”
“Use your words, Human.”
I took a deep breath.
“You can�
��t conquer Earth, Klawde,” I said. “You just can’t!”
“Except, in fact, I can,” he said. “Why are you so worried about it, anyway?”
“Why am I worried? Are you insane?”
“I won’t do anything to you. You already serve me,” he said. “You will be my number-one lackey.”
“But not just anyone can go and buy twelve satellites,” I said. “They’re, like, in space!”
“In fact, anyone can buy them,” he said. “Provided they have twelve billion dollars.”
“Twelve billion dollars? You just spent TWELVE BILLION DOLLARS? Wait—never mind,” I said, “because none of that matters. Lindy’s mom is totally onto you! You have to quit all this.”
“As if I would surrender when I am on the very cusp of conquest!” Klawde gave a single swish of his tail. “And besides, I am glad for the agent-ogre. Because what would be the fun of world domination if I did not have at least one opponent trying to stop me?”
Is it hot in here? I thought.
As I went outside, I passed my dad, just coming home.
“Hey, buddy,” he said. “Where are you off to?”
“I need to get some air,” I said.
For the next who knows how long, I wandered around my neighborhood in a daze.
Was I about to be arrested?
Was my cat about to be arrested?
Or was he going to succeed in taking over the entire world with an army of squirrels?
There were so many things to worry about, I didn’t know which one to pick.
CHAPTER 44
Finally! It had taken another interminable Earth day, but the sale of the satellites had gone through, and I was in possession of the necessary access codes with which to control them. All that was left to do was upload the Zom-Beam software. I could hardly contain my glee!
I called Flooffee on the communicator. “Do you have the upgrade, minion?”
“You betcha, O Glorious One,” Flooffee said. “I was stumped for a while on how to program these primitive Human satellites, but then I went to the ancient history museum and found some old feline ones of almost the exact same construction! I was able to use the same software, even though it was a couple hundred thousand years old.”
“Fine job!”
I know—a good leader should never praise his underlings. But this was an extraordinary situation.
“I’m really anxious to see how this works,” Flooffee said once the upload was complete. “I have to say, this might be my favorite evil scheme ever. I mean, squirrels! How cute is that?”
A purr vibrated through my entire being as I placed the VQ helmet upon my head. I engaged GLOBAL MODE, which would allow me to send all of Earth’s squirrels on the same mission at once.
“3-D MAP!” I ordered.
At once, a spinning virtual Earth appeared, crisscrossed with lines representing the planet’s power grid. All I had to do was give my zombie squirrels the command, and Earth’s electrical supply would be cut, bringing the planet down to its hideous, hairless knees!
Purr!
“ZOM-BEAM: ENGAGE!” I commanded. “SQUIRRELS: WORLDWIDE STRIKE!”
The effect would be instant!
Instant, I said!
Instant?
“So are you in control of Earth yet, O Lordly Master?”
“Shut up, fool!” I said. “Something is wrong!”
ERROR MESSAGE 692976
Curse the eighty-seven moons! What was the meaning of this?
“It looks like someone has taken all the satellites off-line,” Flooffee said.
I threw down the headset in a rage.
Who could have done this? Ffangg didn’t even know about this plan—nor did any of my other enemies. Well, except for—
No! It could not be! Not . . . a Human.
Was it even possible? With all the excitement surrounding Earth’s conquest, I had neglected my surveillance of the agent-ogre. I glanced out the window toward her fortress, and there she was. Not inside of it, but standing on what the Humans call “the front lawn.”
My front lawn.
There were other ogres approaching the fortress as well. Or should I say, invading my territory. All of them wore jackets bearing the acronym of Furless Brainless Idiots upon their backs.
This was an annoying development.
CHAPTER 45
“Can you babies shut up down there?” Scorpion yelled from his bedroom window. “I’m trying to finish level eighty-three of Psycho Warrior 7.”
Steve, who was about to hurl a bunch of wet leaves at me, stopped. Cedar, who was sneaking up behind him with her own handful of slimy leaves, did the same. Obviously, we weren’t supposed to be having a leaf war—we were supposed to be cleaning the gutters.
Scorpion kept glaring down at us. “Besides,” he said, “don’t you losers know that the help is supposed to be quiet?”
Cedar, Steve, and I looked at each other. Then we took our slimy leaves and hurled them up at Scorpion’s window. We didn’t hit him, but the look of fear on his face was awesome.
Being one of the Three Gardeneers, it turned out, was pretty great, and work could actually be fun. You know, once you started goofing off.
All in all, I felt better than I had in days. The VQ had totally been messing with my mind. I didn’t really have to pull a shift at Starista every day and Klawde wasn’t really going to take over the world—he’d probably just gotten into the catnip again. And it wasn’t like the FBI was going to come arrest me.
We got ice cream on the way home. As we turned down my street, Steve pointed his dripping cone in the direction of my house.
“Hey, Raj,” he said. “What are all those vans doing in your driveway? And why do they all have the word FIBBIE written across them?”
Uh-oh.
CHAPTER 46
The invading ogres appeared to be positioning themselves for a paramilitary raid. While this was mildly inconvenient, it would also be educational. After all, I needed to study Human attack and siege techniques.
As the agent-ogres approached the front portal, I wondered how they would enter. Would they kick in the door with their massively powerful Human legs? Disintegrate it with lasers?
DING-DONG!
They were ringing the doorbell? The fools! This was not how you raided a fortress.
But the tactical error of the invaders would give us more time to prepare our counter-strike. I considered revealing my identity to the parent-ogres so we could join forces in battle. But then I considered something else.
Why save them when I could simply save myself?
I quickly stowed the VQ headset in my litter box command center alongside the communicator, covering them both with sand.
Next, I ascended the stairs, only to find that the mother-ogre had willingly opened the portal to our enemies. Was she surrendering without a fight? I would have expected this of the father-ogre, but not her.
To protect myself, I assumed the disguise of an Earth cat.
“Me-ow,” I said. “Me-ow. Me-ow?”
But I had no idea what to do next. Then I thought, What would Flabby do?
Of course! I should eat some disgusting kibble. Fearing my fangs would dull if I chewed the rocky pellets, I swallowed them whole. As I did, I chanced a glance up. No one was looking at me.
Could the Furless Brainless Idiots actually be buying my ruse? Even when it was so obvious that I was the criminal mastermind of the fortress?
The neighbor-Human interrogated the parent-ogres. She had many questions about Wyss-Kuzz, but my Humans simply shook their heads in confusion.
I realized I had underestimated the neighbor-ogre. Perhaps she was not worthy of the exalted title “nemesis,” but she was a more able foe than I had given her credit for.
Audaciously, I approached and
bestowed upon her the Leg Twirl, simultaneously complimenting and mocking her. Imagine her shock if she knew that the sinister genius she so desperately sought was right under her fleshy ogre nose!
Purr.
I wondered what plans she had for my Humans. Surely she would imprison them, and likely string them up by their flat fingerclaws. Or perhaps she would put them to forced labor. I doubted that they would ever again see the light of day.
Ah, well. Better them than me.
Thankfully, the boy-ogre was not at home. I hoped that at least he would evade punishment. After all, someone needed to keep the refrigerator stocked with dairy products.
The other Furless Brainless Idiots had by now swarmed the fortress, and they were removing various pieces of Human technology, such as the large flat device that the bald ogre sat ceaselessly in front of when he was home.
I only hoped they would take that hideous couch as well.
CHAPTER 47
I froze. What should I do? Turn myself in? How was I even supposed to do that—just stick my hands up? But what exactly would I be turning myself in for?
I watched as a pair of FBI agents came out of the house carrying our TV. They were followed by another agent—who was coming straight for me.
“Uh, we should probably go, Raj,” Cedar said.
“Yeah, I think I hear my mom calling me,” Steve said.
“Wait! Guys! Don’t go!” I whispered to their backs.
When I turned around again, I found myself staring straight at the letters “F-B-I.” They were stitched across the jacket of the agent, who was as big as a linebacker. I looked up, but instead of seeing his eyes I saw myself, reflected back in his mirrored sunglasses. It was terrifying.
Target: Earth Page 7