“Spit it out in any way, shape, or form, and we’ll go from there.”
She took a deep inhalation. “I need you to stay away from my daughter.”
Well, okay.
Didn’t see that coming.
“Wait, what?”
“I’m sorry, Landon, I really am, but I see it in you. I see the damage in your eyes, in your heart, and I don’t want my daughter going through anything so heavy. Not after this. Not after everything she’s been through. Her heart needs a break.”
I gritted my teeth together, feeling sick to my stomach. “You don’t think I’m good for her heart?” How was that possible? I did the right thing. I didn’t keep secrets and crap the way Camila’s husband had. I’d been upfront and completely honest about the situation at hand. I did the right thing.
But still, in Camila’s eyes, I was not good enough for Shay.
“It’s not that, sweetheart,” she promised. Calling someone sweetheart while telling them to stay away from your daughter felt like a new kind of insult. “I just, I can tell you’re troubled. You’ve been through a lot of personal traumas—no fault of your own—but Shay doesn’t need that kind of energy in her life.”
“The same way she didn’t need your energy of not believing her and Maria about your fucked-up husband for years?” I spat out. I didn’t mean to sound so harsh, and I definitely didn’t mean to cuss at her, but my chest was hurting. My mind was a mess. I did the right thing. I told her what her husband was doing. I didn’t lie. Yet, somehow, I was the troubled one.
“I see why you’re upset. You care about my daughter. Just like I do. But if you really care, you’ll let her go, Landon. You’re off to college in a few months anyway, right? And Shay needs to focus on her future.”
“I can be her future.”
“No.” She shook her head. “You have to be her past. She deserves a fresh start. A new beginning. Please,” she pleaded, “I’m begging you to leave her alone. In the future, you’ll thank yourself for not placing your heavy bags against her shoulders.”
“You should leave now,” I said, feeling my chest aching from her words. I stood as tall as I could, and she frowned as she put her sunglasses back on.
“I’m sure you think I’m an evil lady, and maybe I am. Maybe my mind is so messed up that I still don’t know right from wrong. But tell me…would you want your daughter dating a boy like you?”
“You don’t know me.”
“No…but I know your kind—damaged. Please, Landon. I’m begging you. Don’t damage my daughter the way my husband damaged me.”
She walked away, leaving me alone with my thoughts, which was never a good thing.
I wondered how many times a person could hear they were damaged before those words planted themselves against one’s mind.
First Monica, then KJ, and lastly, Camila.
I hadn’t been able to sleep after talking to Shay’s mom. The next morning, I woke up, dragging my feet, feeling like a zombie who’d spent the whole night overthinking every single thing about myself.
Each flaw that I held was sitting at the surface of my mind, replaying itself over and over again in my thoughts. Even though Shay’s father was a complete waste of space, he told me I wasn’t good enough for his daughter, and Shay’s mom said the same exact thing. When two parents thought you weren’t good enough for their kid, that hit you hard.
Maybe they were right. Maybe I wasn’t any good for their daughter. Before me, Shay wasn’t acting out. Yet, the moment we began the bet, a wildness released from her soul. I wasn’t sure it was due to me, though. Maybe it was due to the fact that she’d been a caged bird for so long, and she was finally allowed to fly, but the gut-wrenching feeling was still there within me.
I couldn’t stop my mind from telling me how I was too fucked-up in the head for someone like Shay. I couldn’t stop my thoughts from drowning in self-doubt.
“You’re shit,” it told me. “Someone like her could never love someone as broken as you,” it taunted. “She just said she loved you to end the bet, not because she really cares.” That was the thing about anxiety and depression: there was nothing logical about it. When my brain started to spin the webs of self-doubts, it spun fast, spinning me round and round into its webs of lies. The panic in my chest made it hard to focus on my surroundings. When I got to school, I went to stop by Mrs. Levi’s office to have her smile and feed me some mumbo jumbo about self worth and how I wasn’t a complete failure, but she was in a meeting with another student.
As I walked away from her office, I heard Shay calling my name from behind, but instead of turning to face her, I kept my pace up. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to talk to her. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to talk to anyone.
I headed to the football field and went straight to the bleachers. I gripped the railings, put my head down, shut my eyes, and tried my best to shut up the noises inside my head.
Sometimes it worked. That time, it didn’t.
I skipped most of the school day, only showing up for theater rehearsals. As I walked into the auditorium, Shay was right there with worry in her eyes.
“Hey. Where have you been?” she asked.
“Just skipped school, that’s all.”
“Why? What’s going on?”
“I don’t need a reason to skip school; I just did.”
She arched an eyebrow. “Landon.”
“Yeah?”
“What’s wrong?”
Me. I’m what’s wrong. “Nothing, it’s all good. Let’s just get this rehearsal over with, all right? I don’t feel like talking.” I started walking away, feeling like shit for shutting her out, but I’d spent the last eight hours coming up with every single reason why I wasn’t good enough for her.
The list was long, detailed, and damn accurate.
What could Shay give me if we were together?
Happiness. Joy. So much fucking laughter. A feeling of home. A safe place to fall. Hope. Love. Her mind, body, and soul. Her light.
And what could I give her if we were together?
My scars. My panic attacks. My heaviness. My mood swings. My pain. My depression. My darkness.
It didn’t seem like equal playing fields, that was for damn sure. She’d give me the world, and I’d take it away from her. Everyone was right—she was completely out of my league.
“Land, wait.” She wrapped her fingers around my forearm, and I shut my eyes. Her warmth. Her touches. She’d give me that, too. “Talk to me.”
“Let it go, Shay, all right? Let it go and let me go.”
Her fingers released from my arm, and chills raced through me. The moment she let me go, I missed her touch.
She kept staring at me, reading me, breaking me down piece by piece.
Stop it, Shay… Stop reading these pages. The ink is still wet, and the words ain’t pretty.
“You’re struggling,” she commented. “Don’t shut me out. Please, Landon. Let me in. Whatever it is, I can handle it. I’m here. I can help you.”
She was being that perfect person that I’d fallen in love with. She was standing there with care and concern. Her brown eyes were wide with love. She didn’t even have to tell me about her love. I saw it in the way that she looked at me. Shay Gable looked my way as if I was a prize. As if she saw something in me that I’d yet to discover. I fucking loved how she looked at me. I hated that I’d never be able to live up to those expectations.
“Drop it,” I warned one last time. “Let’s just get this shit over with, all right?”
I hated myself for being so cold toward her. I hated how my mind was all messed up. I hated…myself.
Shit.
I hated myself.
We ran through the show, and when it came time for Juliet to take her life, for the first time during our rehearsals, Juliet cried real tears. They fell against me as she delivered her final lines, emotions pouring out of her as she spoke.
I opened my eyes to watch her, to see her reddened eyes.
I did that to her. I broke her heart, and we hadn’t even really been dating yet. What kind of damage could I have done to her over time?
“Bravo, bravo!” Mr. Thymes applauded after Shay’s tearful performance. He placed his hand over his chest, and his eyes stayed wide in amazement. “And that is why Shay is our Juliet, folks. Shay, what you just did on this stage was breathtakingly raw. What did you tap into to unlock that?”
She gave him a wary smile and shrugged her left shoulder. “Pain?”
Mr. Thymes clapped his hands together in awe. “Pain. Yes, I felt it. Good, good. Keep that up for the shows this weekend. Hold on to that pain. And Landon?”
“Yes, sir?”
“Keep your eyes closed during her death scene. Romeo wouldn’t be staring at Juliet while she’s killing herself.”
“Noted.”
“Outside of that, you two should be very proud of yourselves. The chemistry between the two of you is nothing like I’ve seen before. I can rest easy tonight knowing the show will be a wild success due to the two of you. Goodnight.”
I packed up my things and hurried out of the theater, hoping to avoid Shay talking to me, but unfortunately, she was quick.
“Landon, wait.” She met me at my car. As I was opening the door, she placed her hand on it and shut it before she stepped in front of it.
I grimaced. “Move, Shay.”
“No. Not until you tell me what’s going on. Why are you acting so weird? What happened today?”
“I’d rather not do this. Move.”
“No. Landon, you’re hurting, and I see it. Let me know how I can help.”
“You can’t. I don’t want your help.”
Her eyes watered over, and she placed her hand against my chest. “What did I do wrong?”
What did she do wrong?
She was blaming herself, even though there was nothing she could’ve ever done wrong—
besides falling for a guy like me.
I was watching as it happened, as my coldness began to break her heart. She might’ve been able to read me from day one, but over the past few months, I’d learned how to read her right back. I was hurting her, cutting into her heart and leaving her there to bleed.
I needed to end it now, before we fell even deeper for one another.
“Look, I didn’t want to tell you right away because of all the personal shit you’re going through, but since you’re being so dramatic about it, I’ll tell you now. I won.”
“Won? Won what?”
“The bet.” I gave her an asshole smirk, and my heart died while I did it. “Don’t tell me you actually thought I was falling in love with you? Come on, Chick. This was never real. It was a game—nothing more, nothing less.”
She went to take a step backward from shock but bumped into my car. “What are you talking about?”
“This thing between us, it wasn’t real. It was never real. I was bored, and the bet was a good way to pass some time. But it’s over now, and I don’t want anything to do with you. After this show’s over, we don’t ever have to cross paths again.”
“No,” she whispered, shaking her head. “No. We were real. This is real. I don’t know what happened to you, Landon. I don’t know why you’re talking like this, but I know you. I know your heart and how it beats. I know your truths. Remember? Only truths. No lies.”
My damaged heart was shattering second by second. “It’s all been lies. Nothing was real about this.”
“You...” She shut her eyes. “You showed me your scars, though. You showed me everything.”
“Making Chicks Fall in Love With You 101. Tell them sad crap and make up a sob story. It works every time.”
Her lips parted, and her eyes stayed glassed over, but she didn’t say another word. She tossed her backpack strap higher on her shoulder and walked away.
Later that night, I received a message from her.
Shay: I don’t know what today was about. I don’t know why you shut me out, or why you’re pushing me away, but I just want to let you know that I’m thinking about you. I want you to know that you are good, and worthy, and loved. I won’t stop telling you that, Landon. Even if you push me away, I’ll still keep telling you that this world needs you here. When you’re ready to talk, I’m here.
Fuck, Chick.
It baffled me how someone so good could exist and want me.
I didn’t reply back.
Even though every part of me wanted to tell her I loved her in hopes of hearing she loved me, too.
She didn’t stop writing me each morning and night. During the school day and rehearsals, she’d still walk up to me and check to make sure I was okay. She’d ask me how my heart was, even though I refused to answer her. She was determined to make me not feel alone, and dammit, it was working. But I couldn’t have her, and she couldn’t have me—not in the way she wanted, at least. She deserved a full type of love, and mine was broken into pieces.
So, I knew I had to do the unthinkable. I had to cross a line that I couldn’t come back from.
I had to break her heart completely to keep her from loving me anymore.
So, I sent out a massive text to people.
Me: Opening Night party at my house tonight. Bring booze and your worst behavior.
It amazed me how instantly I regretted having a party every single time.
The opening night performance was amazing. Mr. Thymes seemed overjoyed. Shay cried. I kept my eyes closed. And the crowd gave us a standing ovation.
It would’ve been great if I could’ve celebrated the success with Shay. If I could’ve taken her back to my house and showed her body the way I loved her. If I could’ve laughed with her while we watched Friends. If I could’ve just loved her every day for the rest of my life.
Yeah, that would’ve been great. But it wasn’t realistic.
People crowded my house, drinking, gossiping, and talking about shit I didn’t care about.
I noticed Shay the moment she walked in with Raine and Tracey. It blew my mind how quickly I could spot her in a crowded room. It was as if I was drawn to her energy, her light. Her.
She chatted with people, giving them her grand smile and bubbly personality. She shined in groups of people, being able to talk to anyone about anything. It was one of the very things I had learned to love about her. Her charm. Her wit. Her everything.
She was such a light in the world, and I was about to break her.
She glanced my way, and the smile against her lips faded into a wary frown. She tilted her head in confusion at me. Then, her lips parted, and she mouthed, “Hi, Satan.”
I gave her an accidental half smile. It was hard not to smile when you looked her way.
Hello, brown eyes.
I tore my stare away from her and moved on to something less pleasing to my eye: the rest of the world.
“Spin seven, spin seven!” a few people chanted. It looked like a group of sophomores. Maybe juniors. Either way, I was game to play.
I sat down in the circle, and right as I was about to spin the bottle, a voice pierced me.
“What are you doing?” Shay asked, making me turn to see her.
“Playing a game,” I dryly replied.
She raised an eyebrow, then she sat down in the circle, joining the game.
Why was she being so strong? Why was she still putting up with my bullshit?
There were a few giggling girls sitting next to her, drinking whatever cheap liquor sat in their plastic cups. They were annoying as fuck. The complete opposite of Shay. The complete opposite of everything I had ever wanted.
I was up first.
I grabbed the bottle and spun it, watching it go around and around. Shay’s eyes stayed glued on the bottle while mine stayed glued on her.
“Oh my gosh!” a girl giggled as the bottle landed on her. Her friends joined in on the childish laughter as Shay’s eyes shut. A small sigh released from her lips.
I stood and nodded toward the girl. “All right. Le
t’s get this over with.”
She hurried to stand, still chuckling and blushing like a newbie to the whole spin seven world.
We walked into the closet, and the door shut behind us.
“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m about to make out with Landon Harrison! Like the Landon Harrison.” She gasped, more excited than she should’ve been. She talked about me as if I were some ancient artifact—often studied but never touched.
“What year are you?”
“I’m a sophomore. A junior in a few months, though!” she added, as if that made me more interested in her. It didn’t. I didn’t care who she was, I didn’t care where she was from. I just needed to know she’d follow through with my plan.
“So…” She curled her hair with her finger, and dammit, I wished she was Shay. “Do you use tongue, or—”
“I’m not going to make out with you,” I cut in.
“Oh?”
“Nothing against you. You’re beautiful, but my heart kind of belongs to someone else.”
“Then, why are you even playing this game?”
“It’s complicated. I do need your help, though. When we walk out of here, I need you to act like we hooked up. And really sell it, too. Then, it’s a win-win for us both. You get to say you hooked up with me to your friends.”
“And what do you get?” she asked.
“Not really your business, but trust me, I get what I need.”
She arched an eyebrow. “You don’t even know my name, do you?”
“I don’t.”
“Why would I want to help a guy who doesn’t even care to know my name?”
“I didn’t say I didn’t care. I simply said I didn’t know it. So, tell me.”
“Jessie.”
“Okay, Jessie, nice to meet you. You seem like a top notch girl. Do we have a deal or what? We’re kind of on the clock here.”
She bit her bottom lip. “Okay, deal. But! I get to say we used tongue.”
“By all means.”
Before we walked out of the closet, Jessie pinched her cheeks to make herself look flustered. She walked out of the closet and gave an award-winning speech about how my tongue was shoved down her throat.
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