A Secret of the Heart (Amish Secrets--Book 3)

by J. E. B. Spredemann

  “I will just eat in the dawdi haus if it’s too much trouble,” she’d said, as tears pricked her eyes. How could her father be so unsympathetic?

  “Very well, then,” her father had said.

  Mamm had spoken up at that point. “Will you be joining the church?”

  Lillianna understood the meaning behind her mother’s words. Mamm hoped that Lillianna joining the church would make Dat more accepting of her. “I’m unsure yet.”

  Her father huffed. “Well, what are you planning to do then? Surely you’re not dreaming about that man coming to marry you.”

  Lillianna shook her head, uncertain of which man her father referred to. “Nee. No man will come. Clay sent me away. And Tommy, he has gone back home.”

  “You act as though you are saddened by it. Why then did you go and have another man’s baby? Do you expect Thomas to be pleased with what you’ve done? Do you expect him to raise another man’s dochder?”

  “Nee.”

  <><><>

  Remember what I said. I’ll be watching you.

  The note wasn’t signed, but it clearly bore Clay’s handwriting. A shiver of fear danced up Lillianna’s arm and tingled throughout her entire body. She snatched the note from her suitcase and quickly walked to the window and looked out, just to be certain Clay wasn’t there. Did he think she was going to reveal his secret? How could she when the life of her precious daughter was at stake?

  Lillianna walked into the small room where Mercy’s nursery was. There wasn’t much in the room, but she no longer thought it would be a wise idea to let the baby sleep alone. From now on, Lillianna determined to keep Mercy with her at all times. She couldn’t risk losing her. She made certain the doors and windows were locked. With Clay possibly lurking, she couldn’t take any chances. She had no doubt that he’d make good on his threat. He’d already shown what he was capable of.

  <><><>

  A knock outside the door of the dawdi haus caused Lillianna to jump. She quickly glanced out the window and smiled when she saw her sister.

  “Mandy?” Lillianna opened the door. She wondered if her sister would be allowed to enter.

  Amanda looked at her new husband, James, and he nodded. “Will you wait for me at Dat’s?” Mandy’s husband smiled, gazing into her eyes an extra few seconds, then reluctantly left the two women alone.

  “I missed you at meeting on Sunday,” Mandy said.

  “I don’t know if I’ll be going back.” Lillianna shrugged. “I’m sure you’ve heard.”

  Amanda nodded. “Where is she?”

  “She’s sleeping in my room.”

  “May I see her?”

  Lillianna consented then led the way to her room.

  “Do you mind if I hold her?” At Lilly’s nod, Amanda picked the baby up when she squirmed a little bit. “Oh, she’s so precious. She’s tiny. How old is she?”

  “Just three weeks.”

  “Oh my goodness, she’s beautiful! She looks just like him.”

  “I know.”

  “I’m having a hard time understanding why. I mean, didn’t you love Thomas? He was the whole reason you went to work for him. I’d think the fact that the man was married would have been enough to steer clear of any emotional or physical attraction. Although, I must say, he is a good-looking man. I can’t fault you for falling in love with him.”

  Lillianna shook her head. “I’d really rather not talk about Clay.”

  “But why? I just want to know why. You and Thomas seemed so in love.”

  “I do love Thomas.”

  “This makes no sense.”

  “Mandy, what’s done is done. Now, please…”

  “Okay, I’ll change the subject. Is Thomas better now? Did his cancer go away?”

  Lillianna nodded and an ache gripped her heart, remembering Thomas’ last words to her. You wanted me well and you got your wish. The only thing is now I wish I hadn’t survived.

  “What is he doing now?” Amanda gently jostled the baby in her arms when she became restless.

  “I think he went back home to Pennsylvania. He’d mentioned something on the phone before he showed up at Congressman Stevenson’s house.”

  “What are you going to do now?”

  “I don’t really have much choice. Mercy and I need a home, so we’ll stay here. I don’t know how long Dat will allow us to stay, though, if I don’t make a confession.”

  “Have you considered apologizing to Thomas?” Mandy’s brow rose.

  “Apologizing? Nee.”

  “You don’t think he’ll ever take you back, do you?”

  Tears sprang to Lillianna’s eyes and she shook her head.

  “Do you believe he really loved you?”

  “Jah.”

  “Then I think you should try to reconcile with him. You know that no Amish man is going to marry you. If Thomas loves you, then perhaps there’s a chance he’ll forgive you and take you back. If it’s true that love can conquer anything, I think you have a shot. God can heal both of you. The Bible says that God is good and He’s ready to forgive us; He’s full of compassion, and plenteous in mercy to the ones who call upon Him. Maybe you should pray and ask God to give Thomas the mercy he needs to have toward you. Then ask Him to give you the boldness to ask for forgiveness.”

  There was that word again. Mercy. It was a wonderful word, indeed. But that word presented a problem. How could she expect Thomas to show her mercy for the wrong he thought she’d done, when she was unwilling to show Clay mercy for what he’d done. “I hate it when my younger sister makes more sense than I do.”

  “Here. I think she’s hungry. She’s trying to eat my shoulder.” Amanda laughed.

  Lillianna took the baby into her arms and planted a kiss on her plump cheek. “Mommy loves you.” She nuzzled Mercy’s neck, then sat down on the rocker and brought her to her breast. She looked up at her sister. “You know, life is confusing. I do regret being with Clay, but it’s hard to when I have this sweet one.”

  “Sometimes God brings good things out of our mistakes to show us his goodness and mercy.”

  “I know. I don’t know how I could get through all this if I didn’t have little Mercy. She makes life bearable.”

  They both turned at a knock on the door.

  “That must be James. I better go now,” Mandy said.

  “Thank you for coming by. You’re our first visitor.”

  “The deacon has not come by?”

  “Nee, not yet.”

  Amanda offered her a look of sympathy. “I’ll come again.”

  “Mandy.” Her sister stopped and turned to look at her. “Congratulations on your wedding. I wish I could have been there.”

  “Denki.”

  <><><>

  Lillianna stared down at the familiar passage of Scripture. “Okay, Lord. I know You want me to show him mercy and forgive him, but it’s difficult. He wronged me in a big way and I’m having a hard time accepting that. I know I’m supposed to love my enemies, but how can I?”

  Cast your cares upon Me.

  She sucked in a deep breath. “Fine. Take it, Lord. Just take it all. I don’t want to worry about this anymore. It’s in Your hands now. All that I was, all that I have, all that I am and will ever be, belongs to You, God.”

  I will give you rest.

  Lillianna closed her eyes. “Thank you, Lord.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  Dear Lillianna,

  I’m sorry I missed you. Clay said you had to leave quickly on an urgent matter and he let you go. I wish the children and I could have said goodbye. I’ll miss you and that precious baby. Have you given her a name?

  You should see poor Clay; he looks awful! He said he took a tumble down the stairs shortly after you left. I wanted him to go to the ER but he refused. You know how men are with their pride.

  The children and I picked up some outfits for the baby on our shopping trip. I also bought a stroller. I went ahead and sent it along, so it should be arriving any day if it ha
sn’t already. I hope the baby can wear the outfits. I was unsure, since you returned to your Amish community.

  I also wanted to say thank you for working for us. Good help is hard to find. If you ever need another job, I’d be happy to hire you full-time.

  I’ll miss your friendship.

  Sincerely,

  Candace

  P.S. I’ve enclosed pictures that the children drew for you.

  Lillianna looked down at the drawings from Calvin and Camille. One showed Cammie sitting on Lilly’s lap with a book, and the other portrayed Lilly pushing Cal on the swing. She held the precious memories to her chest. She’d become such a part of their lives in the ten months she was in their home that they felt like family. In a way, they were. It was a shame that Mercy would never know her half-brother and sister.

  She opened the package accompanying the letter and found several outfits for the baby. Since she wasn’t part of the Amish church, she saw no reason why Mercy couldn’t wear the new apparel. However, if she visited her folks, she would be certain to dress her in Amish clothing so as not to offend them.

  <><><>

  Thomas had been in the field all day, and quite frankly, he was tired of staring at the back end of a team of draft horses. A farmer’s life might have been suitable for his brother-in-law, but Thomas preferred to work with his hands. He couldn’t see himself doing this for the rest of his life. Besides, just sitting gave him too much time to contemplate the situation with Lillianna.

  He’d tried to force her memory out of his mind, but she kept reappearing over and over again. The whole situation just didn’t make sense. Either that, or he didn’t want it to. He wanted to believe that Lillianna was the sweet innocent girl he’d fallen in love with. After his cancer had been cured, he thought their lives would be perfect. How wrong he was! Nevertheless, he couldn’t imagine never seeing Lil again and just forgetting about her.

  Since meeting Jonathan Fisher, Thomas had been reading his Bible – something he hadn’t done in many years. After Jonathan had challenged him on several issues, Thomas realized he had no more excuses to not believe in God. He could no longer deny Him. There was no doubt God had been working on his heart.

  <><><>

  Lillianna sat down at her desk and penned the short note with a shaky hand. She didn’t know if Tommy would even open the letter, but prayed he would. She couldn’t leave things undone between them. They both needed closure to their former relationship.

  When she dropped the letter off at the mailbox, the postman arrived at the same time. She glanced down at the envelopes and discovered another letter from Candace. She pushed the stroller carrying Mercy, and walked back to the dawdi haus. She kept the sleeping baby in her stroller and wheeled her into the bedroom so she wouldn’t awaken her.

  Once in the small living room, she pulled Candace’s letter out.

  Dear Lilly,

  I hardly know what to write to you. I tried to deny any inclinations I’d had about you and Clay, but the truth always comes out eventually. Clay admitted to me that the two of you had an affair and your baby is his. I can’t say that I didn’t already suspect this; I’d just hoped it wasn’t true.

  Why? Why would you choose my husband? Were you hoping to get more money than we’ve already given you? Is that the reason you’ve torn my family apart? I trusted you, Lilly. You were my friend. I thought that if I could trust anyone, it would have been you – an Amish woman with supposed morals. How wrong I was!

  Clay said that you lured him into bed when the two of you were home alone. You should be ashamed of yourself! Why couldn’t you have chosen someone else? Someone who didn’t already have a wife and children? There are plenty of rich single men out there. Why would you take my children’s father away?

  I have no words to describe how I feel about you. I know that as a Christian, I’m not supposed to hate. I know I’m supposed to love my enemies, but I can’t do that. The pain in my heart is too great. I’ve considered leaving Clay, but he’s begged me not to. He said that he never did love you; he was just overcome by your seductive ways. You came to him in a bathrobe? Really?

  If I never see you again, it will be too soon. God forgive me, but this is the way I feel.

  No longer a friend,

  Candace

  After reading the letter from Candace, Lillianna wished that she could snatch Thomas’ letter back from the postman. How could Clay force enmity between her and Candace, as though what he’d done to Lillianna hadn’t been enough already? When would this man stop destroying lives?

  <><><>

  Thomas sucked in a breath, unsure whether he wanted to read the letter from Lillianna. Not reading it, though, would equate to torture. He hastily tore open the envelope.

  Dear Tommy,

  I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

  Lil

  Thomas immediately crumbled the letter and threw it against the wall. Never!

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  Lillianna held Mercy in her arms while Deacon Herschberger and Minister Miller sat in her small living room. She’d known this visit was coming, so it’d been no surprise.

  “The leadership has discussed your situation. Your father says you will not be baptized into the church. Is that correct?” The deacon stared at Lillianna over the top of his eyeglasses.

  “Jah.”

  “So you do not wish to remain Amish?”

  Lillianna shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not ready to make a decision yet.”

  “Most folks join at eighteen, yet you are…”

  “Twenty-four,” she informed him.

  “Do you refuse a kneeling confession?” The minister raised a brow.

  “I do not need to confess. I am not a member.” She politely reminded them of the rules of their own Ordnung.

  “That is true. However, if you plan to stay in this home, you must make your decision within the next six weeks.”

  Lillianna’s jaw dropped. “So, what are you saying? I either join the church or you’ll force me and my baby out of my folks’ home?”

  “That will be their decision, but we will advise it, jah.”

  At that moment, Lillianna understood what it felt like to be a perceived enemy of the Amish church. She knew this was how many who had left were treated, but she’d never thought they’d treat her this way, especially since she had a boppli to care for. Would they just turn her out to fend for herself? Apparently so.

  “You cannot force somebody to believe as you do; it is wrong. They must choose this life for themselves. How can you turn a young mother and baby away from their own family? How can you claim to be doing God’s will?”

  “And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.”

  Lillianna gasped. She’d never heard such a gross misinterpretation of Scripture in her life. “That’s not what that verse means.”

  “Do you, a woman, claim to have a special interpretation from God?”

  “Nee, but–”

  “Good day, Lillianna. We hope you will think on our words. Consider your little one.” The leaders arose and walked to the door.

  So that was it. Either she joined the Amish church against her will, or she and the baby would become homeless. What a choice.

  <><><>

  Lillianna pulled the door open. Hopefully the ministers hadn’t returned with more messages of doom.

  “Thomas?” She was certain her heart rate increased to a million beats per second.

  “Please, Lil. Don’t say another word. Just hear me out.”

  Lillianna nodded. Should she invite him in?

  “I’m extremely upset at what you’ve done. I’ve told myself that I can’t forgive you, but God won’t let me do that.”

  “God?”

  His arms crossed his chest. “I said hear me out, please.”

  Lillianna bit her bottom lip.

 
“Yes, God. I can no longer deny Him. Anyway, if you promise me that you will never, ever, ever do anything like that again, I will take your word for it. Maybe I’m a complete idiot, I don’t know. All I know is that being without you is driving me crazy. If you can promise me this, I will speak of it no more. The only condition is that we must marry.”

  “Marry?” Her eyes widened.

  He placed a finger over her lips. “Today. No questions, no protests. If you’ll agree to this, nod your head.”

  She nodded adamantly.

  “Get your things and let’s go!”

  <><><>

  Thomas hoped he was doing the right thing. There was a good chance he would later regret this decision. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time he’d given in to impulse. He knew he couldn’t fully forgive Lillianna without taking this step of faith. If she played him for the fool, he’d at least be better for it because he’d known her love. He was willing to risk any loss for his beloved.

  He glanced at the passenger’s seat, attempting to fathom his reality. Was this real or was he dreaming? Lillianna seemed distraught. Was she, too, wondering if this was all a dream? Perhaps she was contemplating his sanity. No doubt, somebody needed to.

  As frightened as he was at the possible outcome of this impending marriage, his heart soared with anticipation in spite of it. He was less than sixty minutes away from fulfilling a life-long fantasy: making Lillianna his bride.

  <><><>

  Lillianna held a breath, afraid that if she let it out, this would all disappear or Tommy would say it was all a joke. She glanced at her sister, Mandy, next to her, who offered an encouraging smile. Mandy’s husband, James, stood beside Thomas. She looked toward her feet to be sure Mercy was still in her car seat. All was well.