by Morgan Utley
“I’m doing great! I just got back from hiking and canyoneering in Zion National Park,” her brother replied. “It was amazing! I wish you could have come! It was a complete blast, and I met someone! Her name is Gloria. She’s amazing! In fact, I brought her here to meet you all! She’s in the living room talking to Dad.” Chris was practically jumping up and down. He looked like Peyton. He had dirty blonde hair, which honestly looked a little longer than his usual haircut. He liked to travel a lot and was a big outdoors guy, so if he felt like going somewhere, he did it. He had gray-blue eyes that could easily reflect what he was feeling, like Peyton’s, and his eyes right now were full of energy and excitement. He was a pretty good-looking and overall fun-loving and charismatic guy. If anyone felt like going on an adventure, he was the guy to call up and do it with.
“That’s great,” Peyton stammered. “Let me talk to Mom really fast.” She turned around to look at her mom, and she looked just as concerned as Peyton felt.
Peyton walked toward her mom and pulled her into the pantry, shutting the door. “Don’t make me go in there,” she pleaded.
“Peyton, he’s very excited,” her mom said. “Please, put on a welcoming face for just five minutes, and then you can make your excuse and leave.”
“Ouch,” Peyton mumbled, and tears started forming in her eyes.
“Peyton, he would have wanted you to be happy.” Peyton started to look down, but her mother’s hand caught her chin. She knew now that she wasn’t talking about Chris. “He wouldn’t want you feeling this kind of pain after all this time. He would have wanted you to move on as I’m sure you would have wanted the same for him. Don’t let your past keep you from progressing to your future. That’s why it’s called the past. Derek loved you, and there’s no doubt about that.” Hearing his name caused her to wince, and her mom didn’t miss it, but she kept talking regardless of Peyton’s reaction. “But can you imagine if he were here right now? He would tell you to wipe those tears from your eyes and to start doing something for yourself! He would want you to be happy and enjoy the moments, even the little ones. Am I right?”
Peyton nodded her head and began to cry. She was heartbroken, and it wasn’t a secret. For months she had spent her time at home, helping with the farm, working on her dad's paperwork for his butchering company, cleaning as much as she could, and only going out when she had her therapy appointments. She would only run errands with her mom every once in a while because she was always afraid of seeing someone she knew. She usually wore a hat whenever she went out in public now. She hadn’t even gone to church, which was something she had always done every Sunday. But now she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Every time someone asked if she was okay, she was reminded that she actually wasn’t. That the accident really did happen, and Derek was gone because of it. Whenever that happened, it was as if the accident happened over and over again, and it was heart-wrenching.
However, what her mother was saying to her was true. Derek wouldn’t have wanted her to still be moping around at home avoiding people. She should also be happy for her little brother even if it meant stretching herself out of her comfort zone.
“Okay, I can do it. I’ll go out there.” Peyton nodded, wiping away her tears.
“That’s my girl,” her mom said. “Now let’s go. I want to check out this girl.”
They walked out of the pantry and found Chris eating the roast that her mom had made for dinner.
“Christopher Neal, you get your grubby fingers out of that roast right now! That is for dinner,” her mom said sternly.
Chris put his hands up in the air, “Okay, okay. Sorry, Mom. Now that you're done talking, can we go in there now? I think Dad is boring her to death.”
“Yes, we can, but on your way out, grab another plate setting for your little friend.” It was obvious that Peyton’s mom wasn’t happy, but if there’s anything that boy had lacked in learning, it's that no one messes with mom’s pot roast.
They all started walking in the direction of the living room. Peyton took a glance in the mirror to make sure she didn’t look like a mess. To her dismay, she did. She had makeup under her eyes that she quickly wiped off, and her dark brown braid was coming undone. She pulled her hair out and put it up in a high ponytail, and quickly smoothed out her clothes.
In the living room sat her father, who was a tall man with gray hair that was thinning on the top of his head. He was a man who looked as if he was always happy and having a good time. In the chair next to him sat a little Latina woman who was absolutely gorgeous. She had long dark black hair that went all the way down her back, brown eyes that matched with her incredibly long eyelashes, and a big white beautiful smile with red lipstick to compliment it.
“Hey! You guys are home!” her dad said and walked over to stand by his wife while Chris walked over to stand by Gloria, putting his arm around her.
“Guys, this is Gloria! Gloria, this is my mom, Cheryl, and my sister, Peyton,” Chris gestured back and forth between the ladies.
“Hi! It’s very nice to meet you!” she said with an accent Peyton assumed was from Mexico.
“Nice to meet you,” Peyton’s mom said and reached out to shake Gloria’s hand, and Peyton followed suit.
“You have a beautiful home!” Peyton got the impression she was very happy and excited about everything all of the time. This reminded her of Chris, which was probably why they got along so well.
“Thank you,” Peyton’s mom said. “I have dinner all ready to go. Are you guys ready to eat? I know someone is.” She peered over at Chris and gave him a look.
“That sounds great, Mom!” Chris replied to his mom’s jab, and everyone headed to the dining room table.
The roast and mashed potatoes were just as good as Peyton expected them to be. Her mom was a natural at making it, and Peyton never got sick of it. Luckily, she didn’t have to do a lot of talking because her parents wanted to know all about Chis and his new girl, Gloria, from El Salvador. Where they met and all those things that conveniently took up the majority of the conversation at dinner. She tried to ask Peyton questions, but Peyton kept the answers short to try and prevent her from wanting to ask more questions and delve into subjects she had absolutely no desire to talk about. To Peyton’s relief, Chris and Gloria had made plans with another couple for the evening and left shortly after dinner.
After they left, Peyton helped her parents clean up dinner, kissed them goodnight, and headed to bed. The moment she reached her pillow, she cried. She was angry, frustrated, and disappointed. She didn’t understand why Chris could be happy but not her. She didn’t understand how he could find love, but she couldn’t have it. She was upset because he came all the way home to rub his happiness in her face. She was upset because she didn’t want any negative feelings towards her fun-loving, carefree brother. She wanted to be happy for him and congratulate him on doing one of the hardest things a person ever had to do—find love.
Nevertheless, Peyton knew that she really wasn’t upset with her brother, and that she knew already all the answers to her questions. Deep down, Peyton knew that she was jealous. That’s what frustrated her most.
Chapter 3
Peyton woke up Saturday morning with a terrible headache. Her conflicting emotions and stress had given her vivid nightmares that caused her to toss and turn all night. It’s not that it wasn’t normal for her, but last night was just so much worse, and she briefly remembered her mom coming in to console her. She sat up to look at the clock to see that it was ten o’clock in the morning. She bolted straight up from her bed and started scrambling around looking for some running clothes. By now, she should have had her run in, been showered, dressed, and ready for the day. Granted, it wasn’t like she did much during the day.
Her mornings consisted of waking up around seven, going for a run, feeding the cows and the goats she had out back, showering off the stench she had accumulated throughout the morning, and then hanging with her mom or working with her dad. Sometimes she would help her in the
garden or help with dinner. Other times, they would run errands or read together. Most of the time, since Peyton hadn’t been going to church, they would study the scriptures together and read past conference talks.
It wasn’t that Peyton didn’t believe in the church, she did. Admittedly, the first few weeks after the accident, she was angry and repeatedly questioned in her prayers why Derek had to be taken away from her. She felt like she was being punished and didn’t deserve it. Time passed, and she slowly began to understand that everyone has their time, and to her dismay, everything happens for a reason. She still didn’t understand what the reason was, but she hoped one day she would.
Peyton finished her run, only doing a couple of miles due to the accidental sleep in, cleaned herself up, and entered the kitchen. Her dad—Peyton assumed he was out working on the fence—had left his homemade waffles for her with some eggs and bacon. Every Saturday, her dad made a big breakfast for the family, usually involving his homemade waffles. Since he would go to work so early during the week, he hardly had any chances to make them then. So, Saturday became the day for waffles. It was a tradition that even Chris would make an effort to not miss, but she hadn’t seen him anywhere around the house.
“Hello!” As if right on cue. “Hello? Anyone in here?” Chris called.
“Always,” Peyton said.
“Peyton! Oh, sweet. I’m glad you’re here. I was dying to ask you if you liked Gloria!” he said ecstatically.
“Yeah, I thought she was very nice.” Peyton smiled at him for encouragement.
“Awesome! Where’s Mom?” he asked, looking around in an attempt to find her.
“I don’t know. I just got down here,” Peyton admitted.
Chris raised his eyebrows. “Isn’t it a little late for you?” he teased.
“I thought the same thing when I woke up. I didn’t even realize.”
“Well, sleepyhead.” He picked up a waffle and took a bite of it. “I’m going to go find Mom,” he said with a mouth full of food.
“Sounds good. I’m going to go find Dad.” Peyton didn’t know she had any intention of finding her dad, but it had just slipped out. However, she figured it was a good idea since she bailed on him with the chores this morning.
She grabbed a piece of waffle and headed outside to the field. Her dad was hunched over, dripping in sweat and trying to fix part of a fence that a dumb cow had run into.
Her dad was a man who never liked to sit still. He always had to be doing something, especially on Saturdays. He liked to find projects to do and make the most of his time. Sometimes, it drove her mom nuts because she liked to have her dad home, but whenever he was home, he was trying to get something done.
“Hey, Dad,” Peyton said.
Her dad spun around and chuckled to himself, “Did the Sandman get you last night?”
Everybody had noticed she had slept in longer than usual.
“Apparently. He didn’t let me know he was coming, but, yes, he visited.” She decided to play along with the joke.
“Are you doing alright today?” he asked with concern on his face.
“I think so. I don’t know. Thursday was a very off day for me, I guess, and my sleep clearly reflected it. I feel completely jumbled this morning.”
“Yeah, I never thought I’d see your brother settle down or even attempt to. But adventures are better when you have someone by your side enjoying them with ya.” He looked up at Peyton, and tears starting to well up in her eyes. “Oh, I’m sorry, sweetheart. Sometimes I say the wrong things at the wrong times.”
“It’s okay,” she sniffed and wiped her eyes. “You’re right. It is better to have someone by your side. To tackle the world with, to laugh with, to enjoy it. He should want that, who doesn’t.” She knelt in the tall grass and sobbed.
She heard her dad walk over and wrap his arms around her. “Oh, Peyton, my little bumblebee. Someone took your sting.”
“I don’t want to cry anymore, Dad. I don’t. I really don’t. I feel pathetic every time I do, but I still cry. It still happens, and it makes me so frustrated.”
“Listen, Sis. You have been through a tough time. Most people go through life not understanding the amount of loss you have gone through. It’s okay to cry. Your mother and I understand. I can’t imagine what I would do if I lost your mother.”
“It sucks. I know there’s a time to mourn, and Mom was telling me that Derek wouldn’t want me to still be sad and crying, but I’m having such a hard time moving past this. And then seeing Chris with his new girlfriend and how happy he was. I had that, and it was taken from me. I had complete happiness. I did everything right, but it was short-lived.” Peyton was blubbering now and could hardly utter any words.
“At least he got to finish out his life with you! He couldn’t have been any happier than what he was,” her father said soothingly. “He married you, and he left this world knowing he was going to be a dad. What better way to end this life. If there’s any advice I could give you, it's to count your blessings and think of all the people who love you and will always love you for eternities to come. Including Derek. Also, keep in mind that you were left here for a reason. We almost lost you in the accident, but you miraculously recovered. Make the most of this life that you have been blessed with even if you think you're being punished.”
Peyton nodded her head and leaned into her dad’s hug. She knew he was right. It was time to make the most out of life. “Thanks, Daddy, I’ll do my best. I’m going to try and take your advice. I really am. And you’re right, Derek was happy, and I thank heaven that he left this world feeling nothing less.” She had her breathing under control now and wasn’t crying as hard.
Her dad kissed her on the forehead and hugged her. “You can do it. I know you can. Now I’m going to get back to this stupid fence. If that cow runs into the fence again, I just might shoot it,” her dad teased and winked at her.
“Do you want any help?” Peyton asked.
“No, you head back to the house. I think your mom wanted to see if you wanted to go shopping with her,” her dad informed her.
“Ah, I guess I should probably go, huh?” Peyton hated shopping. Not only because her mom took “shop ‘til you drop” literally, but every time they went out shopping, they ran into people, and the questions began.
“I think you know the answer to that, sweetheart. Go have fun!” He turned away from her and headed back toward the warped fence.
She stood up and walked back toward the house. She was surprised to hear her dad mention that she had been pregnant when the accident had happened. It was as if there was an unspoken rule throughout the house to not mention that she had, in fact, lost the baby. Peyton wasn’t sure if it was because of the actual accident or the emotional toll it took on her body once she realized Derek was never going to wake up that had caused her miscarriage. She had concluded that it was probably a good mix of both.
During her walk back to the house, Peyton remembered the day that she had found out she was pregnant…
She had been throwing up for the past week out of nowhere. She thought it was food poisoning because they had tried out a new Mexican restaurant the night before. Then nausea and the puking had continued, and she thought she had a bug. So, she went to the doctor concerned since she had been throwing up so much over the week. He decided to take some blood samples and sent her home to wait for the results.
Not an hour later, she received a call back from the doctor. “Miss Peyton, I got your lab results back, and you show no sign of infection or anything. You’re just pregnant.”
“Excuse me?” It was all she could say.
“You’re pregnant, just barely though. It’s been about five weeks. Have you noticed whether or not you’ve had a period yet?”
“Uh…” As she was thinking about her cycle, she ran into the bathroom where she kept a calendar to track her cycle, and her jaw dropped. She hadn’t even realized that she was a week late. She had been so distracted that she didn’t even
think about the timing of her period.
“Peyton?” The doctor snapped her out of her daze, “Are you okay?”
“Yes, sorry. I guess I didn’t even notice that I was late. Um, should I be making an appointment or doing anything at all?” She could hardly get the words out. She was in shock.
“You should think about getting some prenatal vitamins, and when you're eight weeks pregnant, then you should come to see us. Do you have any other questions for me?” the doctor asked.
“No. No, I think that clears up everything for me. Thank you so much, Dr. Peterson.”
“No problem. See you in a few weeks.” Then he hung up the phone.
Peyton started jumping up and down with excitement and running around the house squealing like a little girl. Then she started becoming dizzy and ran to the bathroom to throw up. After that, she wanted to tell her husband so badly that she picked the phone back up and started dialing. Once the phone started ringing, she quickly hung up before he could get the chance to answer.
She didn’t want to tell him over the phone since he would be distracted at work, and she wanted to see his face. She looked at the clock and realized he would be home in three hours. She had three hours to prepare.
Peyton zoomed around her apartment like a tornado. She cleaned the entire house, did the laundry, made the bed, and even made his favorite dinner—lasagna with garlic bread and a green salad. Luckily, lasagna was a long process, and it kept her busy to help the time pass quickly. She kept looking at the clock and expected him to be home within the next fifteen minutes. She quickly set the table, lit a few candles, and then turned some music on in the background. She looked at the clock again and saw that now it was ten minutes. She wasn’t the most patient person in the world, so she sat at the table and waited as best as she could.
As time ticked on, she became more and more irritated and aggravated. This was the best possible news she could ever tell him, and he was taking forever to get home. She couldn’t stand it. Peyton stood up from the table to finish the dishes and clean off the counters. When those were done, she started looking at the floors and decided to grab the broom, sweeping the entire floor. She was starting to become so meticulous in her sweeping, she would brush the same corner over and over again to get every last crumb off the floor.