by Gemma Weir
My cell beeps again signaling another message, but I already know who it is without even having to glance at the screen. Tallulah has been calling and texting me constantly since I left her and Arlo’s engagement party last night. I sent her one message, letting her know that I was fine, but apart from that I’ve been ignoring her.
My sister sees me with rose tinted glasses and I can’t allow her distorted view of me to let myself forget who and what I really am.
For a second, I consider that the message could be from one of my parents, but I quickly dismiss the thought and the tiny pang of hope that comes with it. They won’t contact me, I’m of no use or importance to them now that I’ve deliberately sabotaged my inheritance. Without that money I’m barely even a blip on the radar of their life. Before the will, Tallulah and I were an afterthought, now I imagine they’ll do their best to forget about us all together.
Glancing around I take in the empty, impersonal hotel room. I’m alone, and for the first time in years I feel truly lost. My friends, my life, my entire identity, was all constructed around the stipulations of the will and without those strict guidelines, now that the expectation is gone, I don’t know what to do, and who to be.
My sister wants to help, she wants to support me, but I just can’t accept it. Tallulah, or I suppose I should probably start calling her Tally, is my twin, but honestly I find her inane goodness infuriating.
She’s a genuinely good person and I have no idea what to do with someone like that. My default setting is superior bitch and I’m not sure even she can change that, or if I actually want her to. I’m good at flirting with the guys I’m told to flirt with and ignoring the ones I’m told are beneath me. I’m good at following the rules. So what the hell am I supposed to do now that the rules don’t matter?
Tomorrow I have to go to school, I don’t know how fast news that I’m not longer an heiress will take to spread, but I’m sure it won’t be long. I have less than six months left at St Augustus but I know the others will smell the blood in the water the moment I walk through the doors, and I won’t have the shadow of the money to protect me.
As freshmen, Tally and I were invisible until that money made me a queen, now that it’s gone, I’m just like everyone else. I forced my sister to pretend to be me, to ignore her own identity and do my bidding and now everything’s coming full circle. My identity is so engrained in that money that I stand a better chance trying to pretend to be my twin, than I do figuring out who I am without the will hanging over my head.
Glancing around me, the beautiful hotel room feels bleak and oppressive, the walls slowly closing in on me as I sit in the same spot I’ve been in for hours, still wearing my gown from last night. The few tears I’ve shed have left ugly black streaks down my cheeks and I feel dirty and pathetic.
“You are pathetic,” I say aloud, sighing and rolling my eyes at myself.
Pushing myself off the sofa, I struggle to unzip the heavy dress, letting it fall to the floor and stepping over it as I make my way to the bathroom. Twisting the shiny taps, the water gushes out and into the deep tub, steam instantly rising as the hot water steadily fills. Stripping out of my bra and panties I climb in while the water’s still running, ignoring the fact that it’s too hot and that I can feel my skin burning.
Sitting down, I exhale raggedly as the water rises around me, gradually engulfing my body, the heat intense but strangely cathartic as my limbs slowly become numb and weightless.
Closing my eyes, I let my head fall back to rest against the side of the tub and concentrate on breathing. In and out, in and out. The steam fills my lungs making me feel like I’m eating the air instead of breathing. The water is almost completely covering me now, the heat so intense sweat is beading across my brow, but I don’t make any effort to cool it, I just lay there letting it wash away a thin layer of my sins.
As the water continues to rise, I let myself sink further, sliding beneath the surface as heat consumes my face. I open my eyes, staring up at the unfamiliar ceiling above me, distorted by the water as I lay still and unmoving.
All I can hear is the muffled sound of the taps running; of more and more water coming over me, suffocating me, imprisoning me. It’s peaceful. I’ve always loved the sensation of jumping into a pool, that moment when all you can hear is the sound of your own heart.
For a second I wonder what would happen if I just stayed down here, beneath the water where it’s warm and quiet. How long would my body allow me to deprive myself of oxygen? Would I eventually be forced to the surface or would I drown before my brain tried to save me?
Closing my eyes again I revel in the peacefulness of it down here. Allowing a bubble to plume from my mouth, my lungs start to protest, the lack of air noticeable as my chest starts to burn and my body instinctively tries to move me to the surface, fighting against my brain’s desire to stay here in the warmth, in the quiet.
Right now I just want to feel the peace, to bask in the silence where nothing matters but the beating of my own heart. I know I don’t have long left, that self-preservation will propel me to the surface, to the oxygen I need to survive, but for this moment I’m nothing, and it’s blissful.
I don’t want to die. I’m not too noble for suicide, I’m simply too cowardly to be able to actually go through with it, and really how cliché would it be for the silly little heiress to kill herself after she deliberately sabotaged her inheritance.
Bursting from the water I gasp, breathing in deep pulls of the balmy steam filled air and filling my lungs with life affirming oxygen. A wry scoff falls from my lips once my lungs have stopped burning and I’m no longer panting for breath. I’m a joke. I feel the weight of my thoughts settle over me as I rest my head against the tub.
I don’t even have enough conviction to despise myself, even though I should. The small voice in the back of my mind is still whispering that I did what I had to, that I stopped it before it went too far, that I helped when she needed it. But it was all too little too late.
Soaking for a while longer, my skin has wrinkled and the water has cooled by the time I climb out and wrap myself in a huge fluffy towel. Avoiding the mirror, I pad into the bedroom and sink down onto the bed, not bothering to dry myself, my limbs too lethargic to move.
Eventually I crawl under the covers still wrapped in the towel and let sleep take me, hoping that the shame and disgrace I feel will let me hide in my dreams.
The sun is peeking through the blinds when I open my eyes. It’s morning and I should be getting up and going to school, but I don’t move. I can’t face the other students, my sister, her fiancé, or their friends, especially not him.
Carson Windsor was nothing but a blip on my radar until two days ago. Everything changed the moment I asked him for his help and now he’s something to me. He’s someone who will forever be entwined with me and I don’t want that, but no matter how much I downplay it in my head, I lost my virginity to him and that’s not something you can force yourself to forget. I don’t want him to be important, to be anything more than my sister’s friend, but he is and there’s nothing I can do to change that now.
Closing my eyes, I decide to just pretend today doesn’t exist. I’ll be an adult tomorrow, but for today I want to be a child who gets to hide beneath the comforter, away from real life and the monsters that live there.
11
Carson
She’s not here. I think I knew she wouldn’t come, but I’m still bothered. I don’t like Carrigan, I never have. But what happened, that’s not something I can just forget. Maybe it’s guilt, or some misplaced sense of comradery, but whatever it is, I can’t just pretend like it didn’t happen.
I only caught a glimpse of her at the party, barely a passing glance before she was gone with nothing but my friend’s elation left in her wake. Priss did it, she broke the will, freed both her and her sister and confronted her parents. Then she just walked away, disappeared. She didn’t even wait long enough to celebrate their freedom like Tally wanted her to.
Her absence shouldn’t affect me. We weren’t friends before we fucked, we aren’t friends now, but there’s something between us that I’m not ready to forget. She’s haunting me. My dick gets hard the moment her name is mentioned, and I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve watched and re-watched the video of the two of us together since she got into that cab and drove away from me.
I’m not sure if my pride’s hurt that she could run out on me without even a backward glance, or if I’m just not done with her yet, but either way, I need to see her and she’s not here.
“Where is she?” Tally asks, her eyes wide and full of worry.
“She’ll be fine, she’s probably just taking a couple of days to get her head around everything that’s happened,” Arlo tells her, pulling her into him to soothe her.
“What did happen?” Tally asks, turning her attention to me.
“She broke the will,” I say casually. The others want to know what I did to help Carrigan, but for some inexplicable reason it feels wrong to tell them that we had sex. I’m pretty sure they all know we did, but unless Priss admits it, I don’t plan to confirm it.
“Have you spoken to her?” Tally asks me for the fifth time already this morning.
“If I had, I’d tell you,” I assure her, leaning down and pressing a kiss against her cheek before I shoulder my bag and head for my first class with Olly at my side.
“You fucked her, didn’t you?” he asks, a grin spread wide across his face.
Forcing a neutral expression onto my face I sigh. “Look the will’s broken and the girls are free of it, that’s all that matters. Hopefully Carrigan will turn up soon and Tally can stop freaking out.”
Olly’s grin doesn’t lessen as he shakes his head wryly. “Yeah, yeah, you keep it to yourself. I bet she wasn’t such a cold bitch when she was riding your dick.”
I swallow down the angry words on my tongue, even though the need to defend Priss burns inside of me. This makes no sense; it was just hot sex, so why am I suddenly team Carrigan? Why am I worried about her, turned on and wanting to fuck her again, consumed by thoughts of her?
Distracted I don’t pay attention in class, not that it matters, I could stop turning up altogether and still graduate. One of the joys of being rich, is that you never really have to worry about getting in to your parents alma mata and I received my acceptance letter to Cornel in the post a few weeks ago.
From my seat in the back row I have the perfect view of the entire class, Mr. Harrington has his back to us, writing something on the board, as he excitedly tries to explain some historical event that I can guarantee not a single person in this room gives a fuck about. Unable to resist, I slide my cell from my blazer pocket and open my text app, typing out a message to Carrigan before I can think better of it.
Me – Where are you Priss?
I stare at the screen for a minute like I can will her to reply, but just like I expected, I get nothing. When the bell rings for lunch I’m really fucking pissed. She was so compliant, so obedient the other day. I told her when I asked her a question I expect her to reply, but now she’s ghosting me.
My annoyance only builds during the rest of the day and by the time I’m heading for my Mercedes I’m seething.
“You coming to ours?” Arlo asks, his fingers entwined with Tally’s.
“Nah, I’ve got a video chat with the folks,” I say.
Arlo and Tally finally admitted their feelings for each other just before their engagement party and I’m happy for them, but there’s only so much of their blissfully in love company I can take. I genuinely love them both, but I’m at the limit of how much PDA I can watch.
Tally’s eyes soften a little as she looks at me. “Where are your parents?”
“Dubai I think, I can’t really remember, I’m surprised they were here as long as they were this time. They just can’t stand staying in one place and Grant is almost as bad.”
“You don’t want to see Dubai?” she asks, a little wistfully.
“I’ve been a few times, we have a house there.”
“Oh,” she says with a giggle. “So you’re living in that big house of yours all alone?”
“No, I’m staying on the boat, I hate rattling around the house on my own when they’re not here,” I say absentmindedly.
“Why don’t you just come and stay at Arlo’s, it’s not like you don’t already have your own room there,” Tally says, looking to Arlo who just shrugs.
“Bro, you know you’re always welcome, you have your key, just move in till your parents get back,” Arlo says.
“I’m fine. Staying on The Escape isn’t exactly a punishment and Tally honey, you know I adore you, you’re like my sister. But you’re loud and I can’t listen to you scream Arlo’s name anymore, I had enough of that when we were all staying there,” I say, laughing at her horrified expression.
“Carson,” she screams, slapping my arm before she turns and buries her bright red face in Arlo’s chest.
“Little Ghost I love it when you scream my name,” Arlo laughs, wrapping his arms around her and kissing the top of her head.
“See you guys tomorrow,” I say, laughing as I lean down and press a kiss to Tally’s cheek before I climb into my car and drive away from school.
The marina is bustling with life by the time I park my car in the lot and I cross the short distance to The Escape, nodding and waving at all the people who greet me. I’ve stayed here every night since mine and Priss’s morning here and I refuse to think about why that is. Her scent is gone, but I still haven’t gone home even though I know I should. I should let the cleaning crew erase every trace of her being here, but for some inexplicable reason I just can’t.
Priss doesn’t owe me anything, we’re not a couple, we had one meaningless sexual encounter. So why is it that I’m furious that she dismissed me like I was a barely tolerated employee. Carrigan Archibald is a bitch. She treated her identical twin sister like shit for years, so it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that she would do the same to me.
“Thank you for the help.”
I can still hear her voice saying the words in my head and anger bursts to life inside of me.
“Thank you for the help.”
After what we shared, does she even care how much of a punch in the teeth a thank you and fuck off was?
When I think about Carrigan, all I can see is the way she’s hurt Tally, how manipulative she is, how evil. But Priss, the girl I spent the morning with the other day, she’s nothing like that, she’s quiet and nervous and unsure. Priss was beautiful and passionate and complex. But the problem is that Carrigan and Priss are the same person and I don’t know how to accept that. I don’t know how to combine the two sides of the single person.
Heading for my bedroom, I strip out of my uniform and pull on a pair of loose basketball shorts before making my way back into the living room and slumping down onto the couch, reaching for the TV remote.
There’s homework I should be doing, but I don’t care, I want some food, a few beers, and to talk to my parents and brother, but instead I find my fingers reaching for my cell and typing out another text to Priss.
Me – I thought I made myself clear, if I ask you a question I expect you to reply.
I wait for a moment, but she doesn’t reply and the urge to hunt her ass down becomes so potent I almost rise from my seat before I remember that she’s nothing to me.
It was my condition that it was only once, that we’d have sex once and then it would be done, only now I’m not finished and this isn’t over. My cell beeps, pulling me from the edge of irrational rage and I grab it from the couch and lift it up.
Priss
– I’m just taking some time. I texted Tallulah, she knows I’m okay.
My eyes devour her words but instead of consoling me, they only make me angrier.
Me – What the hell are you playing at ignoring her until now? She was worried.
Priss – I already told you I spoke to her, she gets it.
My jaw clenches and I have to literally shake my head to escape the unbidden rage that her response has evoked. Before I can stop myself, my fingers are moving across the screen, typing words that I shouldn’t be thinking, let alone saying.
Me – I want to fuck you again.
Hitting send, I throw my cell across the couch hating that I’ve admitted it, hating that it’s true. I don’t know if it’s my ego that’s raising its ugly head because she walked away from me the other morning, or if it’s that she was so amenable, doing what I told her to do without question, or maybe it’s just that for those few hours she was soft and unsure. I don’t know. All I know is that I want more, one more time, a few more hours with her beneath me, while she’s mine.
She doesn’t reply and I’m not surprised. She’s so fucking cold and disassociated that I doubt she felt anything more than the ache between her legs after I took her virginity. Maybe her elusiveness is part of the reason that I want to control her so much, either way I’m a fool for giving her even an ounce of power over me.
Crossing to the kitchen I glance into the empty refrigerator, wishing it was full of food instead of bare except for the remains of last night’s take-out. I need to get some groceries, or at least ask our house keeper to do it for me, because I hate living on take-out.
Eyeing my cell like it’s a poisonous snake I grab my laptop from my backpack, turn it on and open up a food delivery service, choosing a take-out meal from a nice local restaurant and quickly ordering it.
Frustrated, I cross to the wet bar that’s built into the wall of the galley, and always stocked, and pull out a beer. The emptiness of the boat seems to shrink around me and for the first time in a while, I feel lonely. I have places I could be, hell I could take up Arlo and Tally’s offer and move in with them, but most of the time I don’t mind being alone.