Maybe he just wasn’t used to places like this.
Claire had said that their readership couldn’t afford something like it, so he should have expected to be a little out of his comfort zone. Cocky’s readers were usually a pay grade above the on-the-floor journalists.
“Holy shit,” Sam said from the bathroom. Ben looked up to see what he was reacting to, and saw him walking out with a wicker basket full of…
Oh.
Well.
That made a certain kind of sense, he supposed. This was a couples’ retreat.
“There’s enough lube and condoms here to keep a porn set stocked for a week,” Sam said, which was a succinct way of putting it.
“I guess we’re supposed to be repairing our relationship,” Ben said, a blush creeping down his neck.
Sam looked up at him. “I’m starting to feel like you didn’t think this through.”
He nodded to the bed. The only bed in the room.
Ben had been so busy trying to solve all his problems that he really hadn’t thought it through. It was one thing to hang out with Sam for the weekend. It was a different thing entirely to pretend to be in a long-term relationship with him.
That hadn’t really hit him until they’d gotten here and been treated like a couple while they checked in. It wasn’t completely new, but it had been a long time since they’d done anything like this, and they’d never done it for more than a handful of minutes at a time.
“We’ve shared a bed before,” Ben said. There was no need to mention how uncomfortable it had made him back then.
Not because he didn’t like Sam, but because he did.
Because, unfortunately, he still did. A big part of him was still twenty-one and desperate to impress his new friend.
A bigger part of him was twenty-three and in love with his best friend, but with no way of knowing how to deal with that. Just a whole lot of feelings he couldn’t really pin down—or at least, wouldn’t pin down, because they were scary.
The rest of him was thirty-six and filled with regrets.
This retreat had the unique ability to make him feel all those ways at once, and they’d only been here ten minutes. If this was any indication, the rest of the weekend was going to be hell.
“True. And this is a huge bed. Are they expecting us to like… host an orgy, or something?”
Ben shrugged. “Whatever works, I guess. Rich people are weird.”
“You’re telling me.” Sam sat down on the bed, putting the basket he’d retrieved on the side table.
Ben would have preferred for it to go back to the bathroom—maybe under the sink, where he wouldn’t have to look at it—but he didn’t feel as though he could say that, exactly.
Sam would have never let him hear the end of it if he confessed to being uncomfortable around a basket of sex supplies.
Sam definitely didn’t need to know that Ben hadn’t gotten laid in years, and had more or less given up on the entire concept.
“So do you have a preferred side of the bed?” Sam asked.
Ben shrugged. He rarely woke up on the same side he went to sleep on, but Sam didn’t need to know that, either. He’d stay in place when there was someone else sharing. He hoped.
“I’ll take the one you’re not on,” he said, dumping his bag on it. Aside from his laptop and a few changes of clothes, Ben hadn’t been sure what else to bring, so he hadn’t brought anything.
Ben was realizing, belatedly, that he’d have to sleep in his underwear. Pajamas hadn’t seemed like a necessity, and he didn’t own any.
“Works for me,” Sam agreed, flopping back on his own side. “These sheets are nice.”
“Yeah.” Ben played with the edge of one, focusing on it as though it held the answer to every question he’d ever thought to ask.
He knew he needed to talk to Sam, but finding the right words was tricky. There was so much he wanted to say, and so many ways saying things could go wrong.
There was an obvious starting point, though. Something he should have had the courage to say to Sam a long time ago.
“Hey, umm,” Ben started. “Listen, I… I’m, uh. I’m bi.”
It was only fair that he came out to Sam—he owed him that much. He wished Sam could have been the first person he came out to, instead of a random stranger years after. There was nothing he could do about that, but Sam deserved this much trust.
Besides, they were never moving forward if he wasn’t honest.
And there was a part of Ben that was hoping Sam was back to give them another shot. Maybe that was stupid, or wishful thinking, but if there was any hope of it happening…
This was the first step. It wasn’t even close to the only step, but it was somewhere to start.
Ben could feel Sam’s eyes on him, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to meet them.
“Okay,” Sam said. “Thank you for trusting me with that.”
Ben breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn’t sure what else he’d expected. Sam had never been anything but supportive, when Ben had been willing to open up to him. Every secret he’d ever told him had stayed between them.
This felt different, though. Bigger, more important.
“I’d trust you with my life,” Ben responded. “I wish I could have told you first.”
“I wasn’t around,” Sam said, his voice quiet. It sounded as though he understood.
“You’re around now,” Ben said. “That’s all that matters.”
Sam laughed bitterly. “It’s not. I appreciate the offer to sweep everything under the rug, but that’s not how we’re doing this. I gotta earn your friendship back. I’m the one who left.”
“And I’m the one who let you go.” Ben finally turned to look at Sam, meeting his eyes. “So no, you don’t have to earn anything back. You never lost it. As far as I’m concerned… you’re my best friend. Now and forever. And I’m not good with feelings, but I want you to know that I’m so glad you’re back.”
Sam opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again and nodded. He paused for a moment, and then started again. “So, uh. Are you out-out? Just so we’re clear.”
“Well, I’m at a couples’ retreat with another man, so I think I’ve passed the point of no return,” Ben smiled wryly.
“Not outside of this place,” Sam said. “I’m guessing that’s kind of a no.”
Ben shrugged. “Eliot knows. Claire—uh, the editor I answer to—knows, so I guess I’m out at work now, for better or worse. I’m not… marching in this year’s pride parade, or anything, and I’m single, so it’s not like anyone can tell.”
“I think you’ll find you’re in a committed long-term relationship with a great guy.” Sam broke into a smile. “But I get the general picture. I wasn’t trying to put any pressure on you. I just didn’t want to out you to anyone who you didn’t want knowing.”
“I appreciate that,” Ben said.
He wished he’d understood ten years ago that being out didn’t have to mean being out to everyone on the entire planet. It could have meant, for example, telling his best friend about his confusing, terrifying feelings and praying he wouldn’t be rejected.
There was no point in dwelling on that now, though.
“So speaking of committed, long-term relationships, what’s our cover story?”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to lie. That’s how you get caught out. I say we stick as close to the truth as possible.”
“Which is?” Sam asked.
“Uh.” Ben wet his lips. “Well… we’ve been together for about fifteen years, but you’ve been in and out of the country a lot and now… we’re getting to know each other again because… your job… changed?”
“Ah. I see that we’re going with a story closely related to the truth in that it brushed up against it once,” Sam said, making his opinion on Ben’s idea of the truth incredibly clear.
“It’s the truth,” Ben insisted. “It’s the version of the truth where you and I have an excuse
to be here, anyway.”
“I think the usual term for that is a lie, but okay,” Sam said. “The truth it is.”
Ben huffed. It was almost the truth, or at least it was almost what he wished the truth was.
Secretly, he was starting to hope that enforced hanging out together would go some way to repairing their friendship, so they could, maybe, explore the spark that was still so obviously there.
At least, it was still there on his side. Sam had seen the world now. Ben was probably too boring for him.
One way or another, he’d find out over the weekend.
Chapter Seven
A knock at the door startled Sam from the half-doze he’d fallen into, thinking about what it meant that Ben was ready to be out now.
Was he telling him for the sake of telling him? Or was there more to it than that?
He sat up on the edge of the bed, blinking as Ben answered the door.
A small, blonde woman walked in, followed by a man who wouldn’t have looked out of place on a pedestal in a Greek marble gallery.
Not Sam’s type, though. Sam’s type was a little softer around the edges, more brains than brawn, less classically pretty and more understatedly masculine.
Ben, basically. Ben was his type.
“Are we settling in?” the woman asked, her smile bright and broad. She was practically bouncing in place, enthusiasm rolling off her in waves.
She looked like exactly the kind of person who’d run a couples’ retreat. Or, alternatively, make yoga videos.
“Uh, yeah,” Ben responded, rubbing the back of his neck. He’d obviously been caught just as off-guard as Sam had. “Yeah, I think we’re getting comfortable.”
“Well, I’m Annie, and this is Robert,” she turned to smile at her husband, who gave Sam a silent nod in return. “And if there’s anything you need, don’t ever hesitate to ask. We just wanted to welcome you and drop your schedule off.”
She held out a brightly-printed brochure, which Ben took.
“Pleasure to meet you,” Sam said belatedly, still trying to get over the shock of so much personality being contained inside one person. Annie was so enthusiastic that it made Sam tired just looking at her.
“Now, don’t take that schedule as gospel,” Annie continued, as though Sam hadn’t spoken. “If there’s an activity on but you’re kinda feeling the one-on-one couple time a little more, feel free to skip it. This weekend is about you.”
“Oh, we know,” Ben said, turning to smile an unnaturally bright smile of his own at Sam. Sam managed to smile back, but only barely.
Ben wasn’t the kind of man who smiled brightly voluntarily. A tiny twitch of his lips meant he was happy, a broad grin meant he’d just made a terrible joke, but he didn’t smile like this.
It was unnerving to see him do it, and Sam hoped he’d stop soon.
“Uh, yeah. We’re really looking forward to reconnecting,” Sam said. “Sorry, I’m a little out of it right now.”
“He just got home,” Ben explained. “Business meetings all over Europe, you know how it is.”
“Of course,” Annie agreed, though Sam suspected she did not, in fact, know how it was.
Neither did he or Ben, so that made them all even.
“But thank you for coming to check on us,” Sam said, hoping those would be the magic words that made them go away. “The room is beautiful.”
“I’m so glad you’re comfortable,” Annie enthused. “Will we see you at the first activity? It starts in an hour.”
“We’ll be there,” Ben said before Sam had any chance to respond. “Gotta get off to a strong start.”
Who the hell was this guy, and what had he done with Ben?
Sam supposed this was Ben’s best attempt at undercover. In that case, it was…
Well, it was still terrible, but kind of adorable all the same.
“Great! We’ll see you soon,” Annie said. “Bye for now.”
She stepped back through the door and closed it on the way out. Sam breathed a sigh of relief. If they were going to have to interact with her all weekend, it was going to be exhausting.
Ben paused for a few seconds, and then locked the door.
“Holy shit,” he said. “I’ve only ever seen people like that on TV.”
Sam chuckled at that. At least Ben was back to his normal self again.
“Right? I didn’t think people were that perky in real life.” Sam flopped back on the bed again. “So, what’s this activity?”
“I dunno,” Ben said. “Trust falls, probably. You feel like you could catch me?”
“Fall slowly,” Sam said. He had no intention of letting Ben get hurt, but it couldn’t hurt to tease him. “Or I might miss.”
“Hey, I can miss you, too,” Ben pointed out. “That’s why they’re called trust falls.” He opened the brochure he’d been given earlier and skimmed it, his eyes scanning back and forth quickly.
Ben’s reading speed had always been impressive to Sam. He’d be done with something before Sam had started to grasp the first few words.
“It says it’s a mystery.” Ben blinked at the page. “Wow. That’s literally it. Mystery activity.”
Sam laughed at that. “I love a good mystery.”
“Ooh, work is banned,” Ben said, pointing to the brochure. He offered it to Sam, showing him the little warning that cell phones and laptops were what they were supposed to be getting away from.
“And yet, there’s a wi-fi password.” Sam took out his phone to put it in so he’d have internet access.
“How else would people look up porn?” Ben asked.
“I was actually kinda hoping there’d be a collection of it here, but there’s no TV.”
“Why… why would you want that?” Ben raised an eyebrow.
“Entertainment value.” Sam sat up again. “I appreciated that they didn’t get flustered over us being a gay couple, by the way.”
“I’ll make sure that goes in the article,” Ben said, though he didn’t seem to understand that Sam was being genuine.
He’d never had to face what it was like when someone did get flustered. Even if they weren’t being malicious, it was jarring to be reminded that you were different. Sam had never felt different for being attracted to men internally. Other people, though, had made him feel that way on a regular basis since he came out.
Maybe Ben wouldn’t have to face that. Maybe he’d dodged that particular bullet.
Sam wasn’t sure the cost was worth it, though. How long had he been lying to himself? How many experiences had he missed out on? How alone had he felt?
Just thinking about it made his heart hurt.
“Hey, at least it’s something to put in there, right?”
Ben hummed, sitting back down. He was so close right now, close enough to reach out and touch if Sam just extended his arm a little.
The temptation was there, but Sam couldn’t bring himself to do it. He wasn’t ready to face a rejection right now.
The fact that Ben was free and single didn’t mean he was interested. Didn’t mean he wouldn’t know he could do better than a man who’d limped home to lick his wounds and planned on begging and pleading to be taken back.
If Sam was sure begging and pleading would work, he wouldn’t have hesitated. Every time he looked at Ben, his heart ached for every minute he’d missed out on with him.
Pushing the thought aside, Sam sat up. “I’m gonna start unpacking, so if you wanted some closet space you might need to get in quick,” he joked.
“There’s probably some joke about not needing it anymore to be made, here,” Ben said. “But I don’t think I’m quite ready to make it.”
“I promise to laugh at it when you are,” Sam responded.
Maybe patience was what he needed this time. Maybe all he could do was wait and see if Ben was interested at all.
Chapter Eight
Every time Ben checked to see how long they had to go before the first activity, his stomach twinged. He wasn
’t normally a nervous man, but right now, he could only see two possible outcomes.
One, this would give away that he and Sam weren’t a romantic couple, and never had been.
Or two, it would give away that he had a whole lot of unresolved feelings going on right now.
Ben honestly wasn’t sure which was worse.
An email from Eliot came as a welcome distraction, and Ben was happy to throw himself into work for a little while.
“What do you think they mean by sensible shoes?” Sam asked from behind him, apparently still reading the activity brochure.
“Not heels,” Ben responded, opening the email.
He skimmed it for the details—Eliot was stuck right now, but optimistic that he could make some progress as soon as a source got back to him. He planned on staying up to wait for the call, since they were on holiday in Japan.
Ben immediately wanted to tell him to get some rest, but Eliot was an adult, and this was important. He’d tell Eliot not to burn himself out, but a little overtime never killed anyone. Besides, Eliot would only ignore him.
“That’s a shame, I look great in heels,” Sam said.
Ben paused for a moment, decided he’d heard right, and turned to look at him.
Sam was grinning, which probably meant he was joking.
He would have looked great in heels, though.
Ben tried to pretend he’d never had that thought, but the mental image persisted. Sam laughed, the sound filling up the otherwise silent room.
“That got your attention,” he said.
“Do you… want my attention?” Ben asked, suddenly unsure. He’d thought Sam might appreciate the break, since they were going to be together constantly after being apart for a very long time. He’d thought they might need some time to get used to each other.
Sam hesitated before answering, which meant that whatever he was about to say was going to be a lie. “No, you’re working,” he waved Ben off. “Which is cool, you’re here to work, and I’m just reaping the benefits.”
Ben watched Sam stand and pace over to the window, which looked out on a garden straight out of Home Beautiful.
“I’m gonna need pictures if you want me to believe you look good in heels,” Ben said, not wanting Sam to feel ignored.
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