Breathe

by C. L. Matthews

  “Already?” he questions, as if the idea is absurd.

  “Yes.” I’m nodding spastically now. There was a baby boy who was born early, nearly a year ago, and is barely leaving the NICU. He’s so sweet and adorable. They haven’t named him because when the teenage mother gave birth, she gave him up.

  His story broke my heart, but it also reminded me of Toby and I. Abandoned. Loveless. Broken.

  We’d love him so much, give him everything, and be the best parents he’ll ever need. Already, I love him. I haven’t even brought him home or met him in real life, but I’m absolutely enamored.

  “I may have been researching before mentioning it to you.” He kisses my nose, my cheeks, then my forehead.

  “Who is he?”

  “Nameless,” I whisper, almost too emotional to think of how hard and lonely his life must have been. “He’s in the care of the hospital. His little body has struggled so much. I want him, Toby.”

  He looks at me with care, scanning my face for my every need, before kissing the tears I didn’t realize were spilling. “Then let’s make it happen. We’ll have to—”

  “Get a case worker? Done.”

  “We’re going to—”

  “Need a home that’s not attached to a hotel? I know.”

  “We are—”

  “Going to need to work this out and figure out all the details? I’m on top—”

  “No, now stop interrupting me.” I laugh at the widening of his eyes. It’s almost comical. “We’re going to have to pick a name because once we bring him home, there’s no going back.”

  I cry as he says those words. We’ve come a long way since our short time apart. We’re so much stronger now.

  “Jasper,” I say on a hushed whisper. “Jasper Tobias Hayes.”

  “JT,” he muses. “I love it.”

  “I love you,” I murmur, bringing his mouth to mine. “More than hate.”

  “I love you, enough that the hate leaves you too.”

  Epilogue Two

  Six Months Later

  Joey

  After battling for Jasper, we are finally bringing him home. With his soft red mane, that nearly matches mine, and his olive skin, he makes these little noises. I’m obsessed. Barely able to put him down for naps and tummy time. He’s so sweet when he smiles up at me.

  And those eyes. They’re an odd shade of brown. Almost like there’s a battle between the red and orange hues surrounding his irises. They’re like little sunsets, beautiful and vast and so breathtaking.

  “I love you, Jasper. Your mommy loves you so much.”

  Our adoption was finalized, and we finally got our baby boy home. He’s so perfect. The most precious thing I have. I kiss his little nose and hand him over to Toby.

  “What’s wrong, Gumby?”

  “I’m feeling a bit nauseous,” I mutter, the icky feeling overwhelming each breath. It’s worse than bile; it’s this overpowering need to purge my body of every sensation.

  “You okay?” he asks, his eyes crinkling in kind.

  “I’m sure it’s nothing,” I offer, but as I walk to our new bathroom, looking into the mirror, I notice how swollen my face seems.

  Then it occurs to me.

  I haven’t had a period in two months.

  Fuck.

  “Hey, I need to run to the store.” Toby looks at me with an odd expression.

  “You alright?”

  “Oh, yeah. Just need to pick up some things for our trip to Loren’s. She insists we bring Jasper to meet his brother.” A smile takes over Toby’s face. He hasn’t been outwardly about it, but he wants to raise Lev with them. He wants Lev to know he has two dads and a mom. And that while Jase isn’t biologically his dad, he’s no less Lev’s father than Toby is. We had a big talk two months ago when we decided that we wanted to be a larger part of that boy’s life.

  Jase didn’t want to hear it at first, but after the discussions progressed, and with help from Lo, he decided he wouldn’t want to take the opportunity away from Toby since it’s his son too.

  “Can you get me some Skittles?”

  I laugh. This man rarely eats anything with his strict diet, but lately, now that he’s in AA again, he’s addicted to sweets. It’s easing him off the cravings—the alcoholic kind. Even I don’t drink anymore. We’re in this together. I’m in intensive therapy for my self-harm, depression, and miscarriage. I’m growing, and he’s growing with me.

  We’re in this together.

  Finally.

  After I use the store’s restroom to pee on a stick, I’m in shock when a positive sign is staring me blatantly in the face. It’s pink and pink and pink. It’s real. I cry for a moment as I stare at it. Do I tell him? Do I wait?

  Definitely need to tell him. We promised no more secrets. I purchase another three packs and take them home with me, crying the entire way.

  When I’m inside, Toby is passed out with our baby boy nestled within his embrace. It’s now, with him holding our child, that he’s never looked sexier.

  We’ve been going at it like rabbits since we mended our relationship. Nothing has stopped us from making constant love with our mouths and bodies.

  It’s no wonder I’m pregnant.

  Me.

  Pregnant.

  I whimper, fresh tears falling down my face. Fucking hormones. Toby’s eyes shoot open and a look of panic hits him. He lifts Jasper slowly, placing him into his bassinet, and rushes to where I’m standing at the doorway. “What happened? Are you okay? Who do I need to fuck up?”

  At his words, the tears continue to flow freely, bleeding from me as my wrists once did from my pain. He cups my jaw. “Tell me what’s wrong, sweetheart? Please. I can’t fix it if I don’t know the cause.”

  Handing him the little brown paper bag, he opens it to a box of tests and the one I peed on. His eyes widen. Fear rests in his dark gaze, bleeding into me like it’s his only function. His face doesn’t pale, but sweat is starting to form on his brows.

  Pulling the little stick out, he eyes it, tears spilling down his cheeks. “I’m so scared, Toby,” I sob.

  He holds me to his chest, rubbing circles into my back. He peppers kisses all over my face, holding me as if I’m fragile and will break in his arms. I just might. “I’m scared too, Sous. But guess what?”

  “What?” I gripe.

  “We’re in this together,” he confirms my biggest fear. “I’ll cry through this entire process with you. I’ll hold you, hug you, cherish you, and I’ll take care of you and our children. Because unlike last time? We’re stronger, and nothing will come between us. We’re a family, Josephine. And nothing will take any of you away from me.”

  He peels off my clothes in the next few minutes, laying me on the floor. When he thrusts into me slow and surely, I have to silence my moans of completion. As he makes gentle love to me, worshipping my body, I know this is fate. We’re destiny. Our battles were circumstance, and together, we’re forever.

  Acknowledgements

  And they say blurb writing is hard.

  Ha.

  Joke is on me.

  Matthew, my love, my other half, my light. I’m so grateful that you continually support me and love the brokenness from me. The fact that you watch me bawl my eyes out and comfort me whenever I write this sad stuff, it means everything.

  Dimples. My British-buddy-who-doesn’t-know-what-a-real-taco-is, thank you. Like, honest to the taco gods, I’m grateful AF for your guidance, support, and shoulder for me to scream on. Literally, this book would not have been finished without you. This book is here because you never gave up on me or it. Love you, bro.

  Alexiss, lil sis. I’m so honored to help mold you into the woman you are, but I have to thank you for molding me into the woman I am today. And for helping me plot this book three times, you’re the real mvp. YEET.

  Selena, my writing bae, my ho, one of my bestest friends. I love you, dude bro. Whether it’s four hour phone conversations, ten minute voice messages that are impo
ssible to remember by the end, or the texts of your support, I appreciate them and you. You’re a fucking gem and I don’t know how I was lucky enough to have you be a part of my life, but I am.

  Safae, Rukaiya, Geynar, and Cat. My Betas. You guys rocked it. Without your suggestions, your adamant need to make Toby and Joey their best, and TLC, I wouldn’t have been able to bring these loves to life.

  Cali, you will always be my twin. Love without hugs, ho.

  Michelle, my Milkshake, life without you wouldn’t have meaning. I adore you, love that we’ve grown so much, and am grateful to have such an amazing and close confidant that never stops supporting me. I love you.

  Rina. I just adore you, bro. Thank you for coming into my life and never giving up on me. I appreciate you more than words and love you more than tacos.

  MCG, my satanic smiling friend. You look so sweet, but in reality, a devil lurks. And I’m not joking! Fine, I am, but whatevs. Without you and our weird ass adventures, I’m sure I wouldn’t have survived the torture I put myself through for this book. I love you, dude. Even if you destroy me with your books.

  Mel, you found me, but I’mma say I found you too. Because why the hell not? You’re a champ, going through all my sad episodes, trying to make me laugh, and sharing parts of yourself that I’m honored to hold near to my heart. Love you, girl.

  To my editor, Jenny, thank you so much for helping me on this one! I appreciate you fitting me in!

  There are so many authors I want to thank who may never even see this, but they always fight for me, cheer me on, and keep me going. You know who you are! I love and appreciate you all.

  To my readers, for sticking around and championing me on this, for having patience and excitement, for just being you and loving my writing, thank you. I couldn’t have accomplished this without you.

  To all the bloggers who have spread the word, for helping me and being awesome, thank you!

  And finally to you, if this is your first book of mine, hello! If it’s not, welcome back, and I hope you can forgive me for toxic relationships I bring into fruition, and understand that no love is easy, but in the end, I always hope it’s worth it.

  But as always, love, no hugs, and a lot of tacos!

  Other works by C.L. Matthews

  Inhale, Exhale. (Hollow Ridge #1)

  Firsts (Cape Hill #1)

  Lasts (Cape Hill #2)

  Always (Cape Hill #3)

  The Dating Games: Author Edition

  Welcome to Cape Hill (Cape Hill Vipers #1)

  Coming Soon

  Dernier Souffle (Hollow Ridge #3)

  Stagger (Driven World Novel)

  Turbulent (Salvation Society Novel)

  Everything You Heard is True (Standalone NA Romance)

  Here Lives a Corpse (New Series Announcement Soon)

  Forevers (Cape Hill #4)

  And as always, if you want to follow me, I welcome y’all with open arms!

  Website: clmatthewsbooks.com

  Facebook: www.facebook.com/clmatthewsauthor/

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  Join CL’s Book Bitches: www.facebook.com/groups/858074374226482/

  About The Author

  C.L. Matthews lives in lala-landia with her husband and invisible friends. She wants to riot the lack thereof authentic Mexican food in her state, but she’s an introvert at heart. She enjoys tacos, Red Bull, and warm water, because she’s crazy. She’s an oddball, and realizes it’s been mentioned before, just go with it. Her joys in life consist of writing unconventional romances, making book covers, causing havoc to her reader’s hearts, and genre hopping when she needs a change of scenery. She’s a special kind of weird and enjoys every moment of it.