Entering the OHSU complex, Maggie again went directly to the bank of elevators and pushed the Down button.
“Thank you, Tony,” she mumbled, barely audible but clear and distinct to him. “I just needed to see her today.”
“No problem,” he responded. “She is precious.”
“You have no idea,” she stated. Maggie was right, but he did have a sense of it.
They exited on seven, walked past Trauma ICU, through the waiting area, down another hall and took a left toward Neuroscience ICU across the way from Intermediate Care. Maggie picked up the phone and informed the receptionist on the other side of the locked doors that she was there to visit Anthony Spencer. The doors swung open and she went directly to the receptionist.
“My name is Maggie Saunders and I am coming to visit Anthony Spencer.”
“Don’t I know you?” The young woman smiled. “You look familiar.”
“Oh, you’ve probably just seen me around the buildings. I’m over at Doernbecher Hematology/Oncology.”
“Yeah, that’s probably it,” she said and nodded, checking her computer screen. “Let’s see, Maggie Saunders; yup, got you on the list. Not a relative, are you?”
“What was your first clue?” They both grinned. “But I’ve gotten to know him fairly well.” She almost slipped and added, “Since he’s been in a coma,” but luckily caught herself. “His brother put me on the list.”
“That would be Jacob Spencer?” Maggie nodded and she continued, “You know only two at a time in there, right?”
“Of course,” responded Maggie. “But there probably isn’t a line to get in.” It came out a wee bit sarcastic, but she was nervous. The receptionist consulted her screen again.
“Actually, you are the fourth person on the list,” she said and smiled again.
“The fourth?” queried Tony, surprised. “Who are the others?”
“The others would be the family, then?” offered Maggie.
“Yes, the list says Jacob Spencer, Loree Spencer, Angela Spencer, and then you, but no one is with him now. He’s in room 17, if you want to go ahead and go back.”
“Thank you,” said Maggie, relieved, and turned to leave.
“Crap!” uttered Tony, his thoughts awhirl.
“Shush!” muttered Maggie under her breath. “We can talk about this in a minute.”
They entered a well-lit room, the center of its focus a bed on which a man was hooked to a myriad of machines. The whoosh of a ventilator rhythmically signaled his breathing. Maggie walked over and positioned herself in a spot where she knew Tony could plainly see himself.
“I look terrible!” he exclaimed.
“Well, you are almost dead,” chided Maggie, scanning the machines. “And by the looks of things, there isn’t much activity in the attic either.”
Tony ignored her, his thoughts still in turmoil.
“I can’t believe my ex is here and Angela!”
“The Loree on the list, that’s your ex-wife? How long were you married to her? And who’s Angela?”
“Yeah, Loree’s my ex-wife. She lives on the East Coast, and our daughter, Angela, lives near her, mostly to be away from me, I think, and how long were we married… uh, which time?”
“What do you mean, ‘which time’? You were married to her more than once?” Maggie couldn’t believe it and put her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing out loud. “How come you never told me any of this?” She was talking through her cupped hand.
“Well,” Tony began but hesitated, not sure how to answer in a way that wouldn’t elicit a new barrage of questions. “It’s true. I’ve been married twice in my life, both times to the same woman, and I’m rather ashamed of myself for the way I treated her and so… I haven’t exactly been wanting to talk about it.”
“And Angela? Your daughter?”
“I was a terrible father. The physical presence of a man in the house does not disprove the absence of the father. I was gone, in one sense or other, her whole life.”
“Does she know?”
“Does who know what?”
“Your ex. Does she know that you feel bad; does she know?”
“I doubt it. I never told her. I didn’t understand all that I had done and what an absolute ass… You know… and you’ve only had to put up with a bit of my less-than-admirable character… Sorry for that, by the way…”
“Tony,” she replied, “I’ve never met anyone that was all bad. Mostly bad, yes, but never all bad. Everyone was once a child, and that gives me hope for people. They just end up bringing to the table what they have and they do what they do for a reason, even if they don’t know themselves what it is. Takes time to find it sometimes, but there is always a reason.”
“Yeah, I’m finding out about some of that,” he stated. Maggie was kind not to pursue it further, and they watched and listened for a few moments, each lost in personal thoughts.
Maggie broke the silence. “So then… their visit is a surprise?”
“Everything is a surprise,” he grunted. “I suppose you like surprises, too?”
“Hey, don’t knock surprises. They remind you that you’re not God.”
“That’s funny!” he responded. “Remind me sometime to tell you about a conversation I had… Never mind.” She waited.
“Yeah, until Clarence told us, I had no idea Jake was even in this part of the country. Last I heard he was in Colorado someplace. Loree and Angela hate my guts, so them being here makes no sense, unless”—he paused, thinking through another option—“unless they all think I’m dying and are here to get in on the will.”
“Well, that’s rather harsh and a little paranoid, don’t you think? They can’t be here because they might actually care about you?”
Silence. He hadn’t considered that.
“Tony? Don’t you go off and leave me here!”
The conversation had taken Tony down a mental path that had been absolutely obscured in the events of recent days, and he was dumfounded. “Oh no!” he exclaimed, almost panic in his voice.
“Tony, hush!” He was so loud that Maggie was concerned others might actually hear him. “What’s going on? What’s happening?”
“It’s my will!” If he could have started pacing, he would have. “Maggie, I changed my will just before the whole coma thing. I totally forgot about it until now. I can’t believe it! What have I done?”
Maggie heard alarm in his tone. “Shush, Tony, calm down. So you changed your will, what’s the big deal? It’s your will.”
“Oh, Maggie, you don’t understand. I was being a total jerk; I was paranoid and thought everyone was out to get me, had too much to drink, and I…”
“You what?”
“Maggie, you gotta understand, I wasn’t in my right mind.”
“And you are now?” She almost laughed out loud at the irony but controlled herself for Tony’s sake. “So what did you do that’s got your gig in a whirly?”
“I gave everything to cats!”
“You what?!” Maggie couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
“Cats!” Tony confessed. “I made out a new will and gave it all to a charity for cats. I just googled it and it popped up first.”
“Cats?” Maggie repeated, shaking her head. “Why cats?”
“Dumb reasons. I’ve always had an affinity for cats; you know, they are master manipulators and I identified with them. But the main reason was sheer spite. Loree hates them. It was going to be my way of giving everyone the finger from the other side of the grave. Not that I believed I would even know, but I thought it would let me die with a sense of satisfaction.”
“Tony, I like cats, but that is still the stupidest thing I have ever heard and one of the meanest, cruelest things I could ever even imagine.”
“Yeah, I know that now, believe me. I’m not now who I was, but…” He moaned. “I can’t believe this. What a terrible mess I’ve made of everything.”
“So Tony…,” began Maggie, controlling her
instinct to just rage against this man. “Why are we really up here today? Why did you want to come here? It’s not about just wanting to see your pretty face, is it?”
Tony wasn’t sure about healing himself anymore. He wasn’t sure he wanted this ability to decide that a sick person would live. Who was he to make a decision of this magnitude, even on his own behalf? Now that he was actually here, Tony realized that he hadn’t thought this through. Jesus and Grandmother had told him he could heal anyone, but this gift was complicated and starting to feel like a curse. Face-to-face with the choice, he was lost. Images of televangelist healers and movie carnival showmen came to mind. How exactly do you heal someone? He hadn’t thought to ask.
“Tony!” demanded Maggie.
“Sorry, Maggie. I’m trying to figure something out. Would you put your hand on my forehead?”
“Your forehead? How ’bout if I just kiss you and send you back to where you came from?” threatened Maggie.
“I probably deserve that, but would you please just do this?”
Without hesitation Maggie reached out and put her hand on Tony’s forehead. Then she waited.
“Jesus!” he exclaimed, not knowing what to do. It seemed the choice was obvious. He had to live. He had to fix some things, not the least of which was his will.
“Is that a prayer or an exclamation?” asked Maggie.
“Probably a little of both,” admitted Tony. He decided to make the hard choice and let her in. “Maggie, I am in the middle of a dilemma. I have been trying to work through a decision, and I don’t know what to do.”
“Mmm-hmm, let’s hear it.”
“Maggie, God told me that I could heal one person and I came up here to heal myself. But I’m not sure it’s the right deci—”
“What?!” Maggie pulled her hand off Tony’s forehead as if she had been stung.
“I know, I know,” Tony began, trying to find the words to explain himself.
There was a tap on the door and a woman in scrubs opened it quietly, peeking inside. She looked around as if expecting more than one visitor. Maggie, still in shock, was frozen with her hand raised above Tony’s head, not a sight that eased the woman’s concern.
“Is everything”—the nurse paused, one eyebrow raised in question—“all right?”
Maggie lowered her hand as calmly and naturally as possible.
“Absolutely! Everything is absolutely fine; we are all good here.” Maggie smiled her best and took a step away from the bed, which seemed to slightly settle the disquiet. “We…” She paused to clear her throat. “I was here visiting my good friend, and you probably heard me… uh… praying for him?”
“We are now ‘good’ friends?” Tony couldn’t help himself.
The nurse scanned the room a second time, making sure that everything was in its place, then smiled an I-feel-kinda-sorry-for-you sort of smile and nodded. “Well, are you almost done? There are some others who want to come in, and I’d like to tell them how soon.”
“Oh,” exclaimed Maggie, “I am finished here!”
“No, we’re not!” interjected Tony.
“Yes, we are,” Maggie retorted and then corrected herself apologetically to the nurse. “I mean, we… God and I, we are done with what he sent me to do. Prayers, you know, can be prayed anywhere anyway, so if there are others waiting, why don’t I just go ahead and slip by you here so the others can have a visit. I’ll just come back another time.”
The nurse held the door for a moment as if deciding what to do, but acquiesced, opening it to let Maggie out.
Once past her, Maggie whispered through gritted teeth, “God forgive me, I just lied about praying.”
“Ma’am?” It was Nurse Eagle Ears and she was silently walking behind Maggie, ostensibly to keep everyone else safe from this strange woman. Maggie rolled her eyes and turned to smile again at the woman.
“Praying… just praying,” she offered in a whisper. “Habit. Well, thank you for all your help; I’ll be going now.”
She turned and began walking toward the entry reception area where the check-in staffer was talking to a couple, an attractive woman dressed in a formfitting suit and a man in the common northwestern look of jeans with layered fleece and windbreaker. Maggie was the topic of conversation as they were pointing in her direction.
“I can’t believe it!” began Tony, apprehension evident in his voice. “That’s Loree and that’s Jake with her. It’s been years since I’ve seen either of them. What are we going to do?”
“Maggie? Are you Maggie?” It was Jake moving toward her and enveloping Maggie in a tender hug. “I am so glad that I got a chance to meet you,” he said as he stepped back and smiled.
It was an authentic and tender smile and Maggie responded easily. “Jake, so wonderful to meet you.” She turned to the striking woman who had just joined them. “And you must be Loree. I must say… if Tony knew you had come to visit him, I am sure it would have been a big… and wonderful surprise.”
“Puh-lease,” groaned Tony.
Loree took Maggie’s hand in both of hers and shook it gently, as if communicating gratitude.
Maggie instantly liked them both, Tony could tell.
“I’m doomed,” he grumbled. Maggie ignored him.
“Well, you are probably right about that! The surprise part…” Loree laughed, her face bright and alive. “The only conversations we’ve had over the past few years have been through attorneys, which probably at least kept the dialogue civil. I’m sure he has told you some horror stories about me.”
“Actually, he didn’t,” disclosed Maggie. “He isn’t much for talking about family or personal stuff.” She noticed Jake look down at the floor and quickly added, “I do know that lately he’s been trying to change. He told me what a horrible person he’s been, pushing everyone away, how badly he has treated people…”
“Okay,” piped up Tony, “I think they get the idea.”
Maggie continued, “Actually, as I think about it, maybe the brain tumor was partly responsible for him being such a jerk. I’m a nurse and know a little about all that. It can do strange things to a person’s sense of self and others.”
“If that were true,” Loree said, a little sadness in the corners of her eyes, “then he had a tumor for a lot of years. No, actually I think it had much more to do with losing Gabriel.”
“Gabriel?” asked Maggie.
A look of startled concern crossed Loree’s face, followed by a shadow of resignation. “Oh, Tony didn’t tell you about Gabe. I shouldn’t be surprised really. That was a subject that ‘never’ was allowed.”
“I’m sorry,” Maggie said and reached out and took Loree’s elbow. “No, I don’t know anything about him, and if it’s personal, please don’t feel like you need to tell me.”
“No, you should probably know. It was the most difficult time of my life, our lives. Over time it has become something precious to me, but for Tony, I just think it was an abyss that he could never climb out of.”
One tear made its way down her cheek, and she quickly brushed it away. “Gabe was our firstborn child, and he was the light of Tony’s life. He had been complaining of stomach pains and had been throwing up, so the day after his fifth birthday we took him to the doctor, who decided to do some imaging and they found tumors in his liver. Turned out to be a rare hepatic cancer, hepatoblastoma. The tumors had already metastasized so there wasn’t much that could be done, except wait and watch him fade away. It was awful, really, but you’re a nurse, you know how it is.”
“I do, honey,” Maggie replied and took her into her arms. “I work in pediatric oncology, so I do. I am so sad with you.”
Loree stood there a moment before stepping back, pulling a packet of tissues from her purse to wipe her eyes. She continued, “Anyway, I think Tony blamed himself, as silly as that seems now. Then he blamed me. Gabriel was born with low birth weight, which they think is sometimes a contributor and somehow that was my fault, and then he blamed the doctors and Go
d, of course. So did I, for a while, blame God. But I discovered that when you blame God for evil, there is no one left to trust, and I couldn’t live that way.”
“Yeah.” Maggie nodded understandingly. “I found that out, too. You can’t trust someone who you don’t believe loves you.”
“Well,” Loree said, taking a deep breath, “Tony and I had a horrible divorce, two of them actually, but I still remember the man I first fell in love with despite everything, so Angela and I caught the first flight out. It’s been really hard on her, as you can imagine.”
“Angela?”
“Yeah, her last conversation with her dad was a screaming match, and she told him that she wished he was dead. That was a phone call on his last trip east, just before he collapsed. She’s actually out in the waiting room, but when we got up here, she decided she didn’t want to see him yet. Maybe later.”
“I am so sorry,” Maggie offered. “If there is anything I can do, please let me know.” She turned to Jake, who had been silently listening, a rough exterior of a hard life covering a tenderness of heart. “Jake, you do have my number, right?”
“I don’t but would love to have it.” They quickly exchanged information. “I’m living at a halfway house until I get my feet fully under me. Been there a few months, but I have a steady job now and hope to get my own place pretty soon. Loree rented a phone for me so that I can be reached easier.”
“Thank you, Jake. I don’t know much about your relationship with your brother, but I know enough to sense that he really cares for you.”
He grinned broadly. “Thank you for that, Maggie; that means a lot to me. Tony was the winner, I was the loser, and for a while the distance just got wider. Coming back has been a long road for me and I just wish”—tears fought to the surface, hung for a moment, and then spilled over—“just wish he had known how hard I’ve been working at it. I think he might even have been proud.” He quickly wiped his eyes. “Sorry,” he said with a grin. “Been doing that a lot lately. For me it’s a sign of healing.”
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