“Yeah?”
“Give it to that doctor who just came out of my room. Quick, before he’s gone.”
“Excuse me,” she called out after the doctor. He stopped and turned. “I am sorry to bother you, but I was instructed to give”—she was rummaging through her purse and produced the envelope with TWIMC written on the outside—“this to you?”
“To me?” He looked surprised, taking the envelope from Maggie and opening it.
He scanned the pages and nodded. “Good! We’ve been waiting for this. Mr. Spencer’s POLST document.”
“What?” exclaimed Maggie, ripping it out of his hand. Sure enough, it was a signed and notarized Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment form. Tony had checked most of the boxes, recording specific preferences including feeding tubes, intravenous hydration, and oxygen ventilation. It not only permitted the hospital but directed them to remove him from the ventilator that kept him breathing.
“I’m sorry,” the doctor said as he slowly reached over and pulled the sheet from Maggie’s fingers, “but this will allow us to act according to the wishes of the patient and…”
“I know what it does,” steamed Maggie, turning and walking away before she lost control. She entered Tony’s room, which thankfully was empty of medical personnel or staff.
“Tony! What are you thinking?” she yelled in a hoarse whisper, not wanting to be ejected as she had been before. “This is insanity. Are you thinking that you can give them that form because it won’t matter, that you aren’t going to need the ventilator because you are going to be healed? Tell me that’s what you’re thinking.”
When he didn’t respond, Maggie walked to the bed and laid her hands on his body. “Pray, Tony!” And then she began to shake as the certainty of what was happening descended like the stage’s final curtain. “Dammit, Tony, please… pray to be healed.”
He was crying. “I can’t!” he stated. “Maggie, my whole life I have lived for just one person, me, and finally I am ready to not do that anymore.”
“But Tony,” she begged, “this is suicide. You have a gift. You can heal yourself. You can help people who don’t know what you know. You are taking your life into your own hands.”
“No, Maggie, I’m not! Maggie, that’s exactly what I’m not doing. I’m not taking my own life into my own hands. If God has a purpose in me living, then God can heal me, but I just can’t do this.”
“But Tony,” she was pleading, waves of sorrow pounding her. “But if you don’t do this, you’ll die. Don’t you get it? I don’t want you to die.”
“Maggie, sweet Maggie, I get it. And you cannot begin to fathom what those words mean to me. But I get it. I have already been dead. Most of my life I’ve been dead, and didn’t even know it. I walked around thinking I was alive and battering everyone in my world with my death. That’s not true anymore. I’m alive. For the first time in my life, I’m alive and free and able to make a truly free choice and I’ve made up my mind. I’m choosing life… for me… and for Lindsay.”
Maggie caved in, slumping to the floor in a sobbing heap. In this moment she wanted out, to not be here, to never have prayed that God would allow her to participate in his purposes. The weight of it was a crush, and she almost hated that a light of joy was simultaneously springing inside. The burden of what she had been carrying for Lindsay joined her grief for Tony and together lifted her to her feet. Her breathing came in ragged bursts as she fought to regain her composure. Finally she asked, “Tony, are you sure?”
It took him a moment to find his own voice, caught in both his and her emotions. “I am more sure about this than anything I have ever done. It’s the right thing for me, Maggie, I know it is.”
Maggie walked over to the sink and washed her face, hardly daring to look into the mirror and into Tony’s eyes. She smiled finally and nodded.
“Okay, then, we don’t have a lot of time. You’re sure?”
“Yes, Maggie. I am sure.”
“All right. You know you won’t ever be able to have one of my caramel rolls, don’t you?” She dabbed tissues at her eyes again. “Silly, huh! But I really wanted you to taste them.”
“I will, Maggie, it just won’t be for a while, but I will.”
Maggie made her way back to the waiting area, where everyone immediately sensed that something had changed. She explained that the doctors now had the form directing their actions. Clarence raised his eyebrows but said nothing.
“They won’t do anything until they have talked to the next of kin,” she said and nodded toward Jake. Tears again welled up. “I want to go see Lindsay. I can’t explain it, but I need to. Can you all wait until I get back? I’ll only be a few minutes.”
“I’m going with you.” Clarence was not asking permission.
“Me, too,” stated Molly, and she turned to Jake. “Would you watch Cabby for me until we get back? Please don’t let him play hide-and-seek.”
He nodded, a little bewildered, but ready to help in any way.
They were about to leave when Maggie suddenly turned back. “Cabby, come here for a minute, okay?”
It was obvious that he was aware of something, his demeanor subdued and gentle. He walked over to his Maggie-buddy, who put her arms around him, leaned forward until their heads were touching, and looked him in the eyes. In a quiet voice so no one else could hear she whispered, “Cabby, Tony says that someday is today, do you understand?”
Tears puddled in the corners of his beautiful almond eyes and he nodded. “Bye,” he whispered, pulling Maggie’s face down until their foreheads touched and he could look deep into her eyes. “Lub you!” and then turning he ran into Jake’s waiting embrace, burying his face in the man’s chest.
No words were spoken as the three made their way from the main building back to Doernbecher and to Lindsay’s room. Clarence was stopped by the Pineapple Princess, but Molly granted the proper permissions, and after a short quiz about his health, he was also let into the area. Lindsay was awake and reading.
“Hi!” She smiled, raising her forehead toward Clarence and looking at Maggie with a sly grin.
“Yes, this is Clarence, the cop I was telling you about. Clarence, Lindsay… Lindsay, Clarence.”
“Very nice to meet you, Clarence.” She beamed as she shook his hand.
“The pleasure is all mine,” he returned with a slight bow of his head, a gesture that Lindsay found entirely charming.
“Lindsay, we’ve come to pray for you, if that would be all right?” Molly reached out and touched Maggie’s arm, a look of concern on her face. There was no lack of trust for her best friend, but she hadn’t seen this coming. Maggie turned and hugged her, whispering in her ear, tears again flowing easily.
“Molly, this is Tony’s gift to you, to all of us. Just trust me, okay?”
She nodded, eyes wide in question. “Lindsay?” Maggie asked.
“Of course.” She smiled, a little disconcerted by the tears of the others. “I will take all the prayers I can get. I always feel better after somebody prays for me.”
“Good girl,” said Maggie, reaching into her purse. “Now, I am going to put a little of this oil on your forehead. It’s not magic, just a symbol of the Holy Spirit, and then I am going to lay my hands on you and pray, okay?”
Lindsay nodded again and, leaning back into the pillows, closed her eyes. Maggie in two motions drew a cross in oil on her forehead. “This is the symbol of Jesus and very special today, since this is Resurrection Sunday.” Her voice cracked and Lindsay opened her eyes.
“I’m okay, darlin’.” Satisfied, Lindsay lay back and once more closed her eyes. Maggie then placed her hand on the teenager’s forehead, where the oil still glistened, and leaned forward.
“Talitha cumi,” she whispered, and Lindsay’s eyes snapped open, looking into but as if through Maggie. Her eyes widened and tears began to seep from the corners. A moment later she focused and whispered back.
“Maggie, who was that?”
“Who was who, honey?”
“That man, who was that man?”
“What man? What did he look like?” Maggie was bewildered.
“That man, Maggie. He had the most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen. He could see me, Maggie.”
“Blue eyes,” said Tony. “In case you are wondering, I have blue eyes. I think she saw Jesus. He told me once I couldn’t actually heal anyone, not apart from him.”
“That was Jesus, Lindsay,” said Maggie. “You saw Jesus.”
“He said something to me.” She looked over at her mother. “Mom, Jesus said something to me.”
Molly sat and enfolded her daughter in her arms, her own tears flowing. “What did he say?”
“He said something I didn’t understand, and then he smiled and said, ‘The best is yet to come.’ What does that mean, Mom? The best is yet to come.”
“I’m not sure, sweetheart, but I believe it.”
“I’m sorry, Lindsay,” interrupted Maggie, “but I need to go back over to Neuro ICU. Molly, it’s time to say good-bye.”
Clarence sat down next to Lindsay and began asking her about the book she was reading while Molly stepped to the corner of the room with Maggie. Molly tried unsuccessfully more than once to find words, but they stuck somewhere between her heart and her mouth.
“Maggie, just tell her that I am thrilled to be a part of this,” said Tony, “any of this.”
Molly nodded. “Tony?” she finally whispered. “Are you Jesus?”
“Ha!” He laughed out loud and Maggie grinned. “Tell Molly no, but we’re tight.”
This made Molly smile, but she leaned forward again. “Tony, I think there is more of him in you than you know. I can never thank you adequately.”
“Tony says good-bye, Molly. He says you can thank him by keeping an eye on Jake for him, okay?”
“Yeah, okay.” Molly grinned through the tears. “I love you, Tony!”
“I… I… love you, too, Molly.” Simple words, but so unbearably hard to say, even though he realized that he meant it. “Maggie, get me outta here, please, before I totally fall apart.”
A few minutes later Maggie and Clarence returned to OHSU and the waiting room. The two of them watched Cabby as the others, each when they were ready, slipped back to Tony’s room to say their good-byes. It is a fragile and thin place, these moments between life and death, and Maggie didn’t want to walk without compassion on this holy ground.
While Angela waited for her time, Maggie sat next to her and handed her the letter from her father. For twenty minutes the young woman sat and bawled her way through what Tony had written to her, soon joined and comforted by her mother. Finally, she, too, entered ICU room 17, choosing to make the journey alone and later returned red-eyed and drained.
“You okay?” asked Maggie, taking her in her arms.
“I’m better. I told him how mad I was at him. I was so angry in there, Maggie, I thought I was going to destroy the place, but I told him.”
“I’m sure he deserved it, Angela. He didn’t know better; that was part of the hurt in him.”
“Yeah, that’s what he wrote in his letter, that it wasn’t my fault.”
“Well, I’m glad you got to tell him how angry you are. That is a healing thing.”
“Me, too. And I’m glad I got to tell him that I love him and that I miss him, too.” She pulled back to look into Maggie’s eyes. “Thank you, Maggie.”
“For what, darlin’?”
“I’m not sure, exactly.” Angela smiled weakly. “I just wanted to thank you, that’s all.”
“Well, then, you are welcome. I’ll be sure to pass it along.”
Angela again smiled, not sure what Maggie meant, and then went to sit with her mother, leaning into her, exhausted.
Jake returned next, looking as if he had been through a grinder, but eyes still sparkling and alive.
“You sure you don’t want to talk to him?” mumbled Maggie.
“I can’t!” responded Tony, resigned.
“How come?”
“ ’Cause I’m a coward, that’s how come. For all the changes, I’m still too afraid.”
She nodded barely but enough that he would know and sat down next to Clarence, who simply leaned over and in the guise of a hug, whispered, “Thank you, Tony, for everything. Just so you know, whatever was in that bag was destroyed by an industrial shredder.”
“Tell him thank you for me, Maggie. And please let him know what a good man I think he is. I’ll say hi to his momma, however that works.”
“I’ll let him know,” she returned.
The time had come and Maggie walked alone for the last time back to Tony’s room. “So no cats!” she stated.
“Nope, no cats, thank God,” replied Tony. “The will we left in the safe splits everything between Jake, Loree, and Angela. I got drunk one night and was listening to that Bob Dylan song, you know covered by that woman…”
“ ‘Make You Feel My Love’? Adele?”
“Yeah, that’s the one. Well, I got all feeling bad and rewrote everything. Next morning, hungover and all, I still felt awful enough about myself to go and get it notarized. But then, like always, I changed my mind, you know…”
Maggie and Tony were by themselves as quiet descended, stillness breathing inside the ongoing and tireless repetition of machines.
Maggie finally broke the stillness. “I don’t know how to do this. Tony, my life is changed because of you, for the better. You matter to me, and I don’t know how to let you go, to say good-bye. I just know there is going to be this hole in my heart that only you fit.”
“No one has ever said anything like that to me. Thank you.” He continued, “Maggie, I have three final things that I need to talk to you about.”
“Okay, but don’t make me cry. I got nothing left.”
He paused slightly before continuing, “Maggie, the first thing is a confession. Someday you might want to tell Jake something for me. I couldn’t do it. I really am a coward, but I… I just can’t, I’m too afraid.”
She waited while he was scrounging for words.
“My brother and I got separated and it was my fault. Jake always looked to me for everything and I was there for him, until there was this one family, this one particular foster family. From everything they were communicating to each other, and to me, too, I was certain that they were going to adopt. The problem was, they could only adopt one and I desperately wanted to be that one; I just wanted to belong again, somewhere.” Tony had never told anyone about this and was fighting the shame that lay beneath the burden of the secret.
“So I lied to them about Jake. He was younger and sweeter and easier to manage than me, so I made up all sorts of terrible stuff about him so that they wouldn’t adopt him. I sold out my own brother and did it in a way that he never knew about it. One day Children’s Services pulls up and they take Jake away and he’s screaming and kicking and hanging on to my legs and I’m hanging on to him like I really care, but Maggie, part of me was glad they were taking him away. He was all I had. I was destroying the love that I actually had for an imagination of belonging with someone else.”
Tony took a moment to collect himself and Maggie waited, wishing there was some way she could wrap that little lost boy in her arms.
“A few weeks later the family all gathers and asks me to be there. They announce that they had made a big decision and that they were going to adopt. But it wasn’t me they were adopting, it was a baby, and so the foster caseworker was coming by later that day to take me to another ‘wonderful’ family who was all excited about me coming. I thought I knew what it was like to be alone, but this was a whole new lost.
“Maggie, I was supposed to be there for Jake, especially because no one else was. I’m his older brother, and he completely trusted me and I totally failed him; worse, I betrayed him.”
“Oh, Tony,” entreated Maggie, “I am so sorry. Tony, you were just a little boy yourself. I am so sad that you even had to try a
nd make those kinds of choices.”
“And then Gabe comes into my life, and for the first time I am holding in my arms someone I actually belong to, and in that little boy I try to make it all right, but I couldn’t even hold on to him. I lost him, too. Angela didn’t have a chance. I was so terrified of losing her that I never even let her find a place inside my arms, and then Loree…”
He had spoken his heart, and now let his words hang in the air like a mourning fog, an unexpected sigh of an unburdened heart emerging and softly singing in the wake of his confession.
More silence as both waded through residual emotions. Tony finally took a deep breath and exhaled.
“Do you still have that little blue box?”
“Sure.” She pulled it out of her purse.
“I want you to give it to Jake. It’s the only thing I have from our mother; she gave it to me only a few days before she died, almost as if she knew she was leaving. She got it from her mom who got it from hers. She told me to give it someday to the woman I loved, but I was never healthy enough to love anyone. I can see that Jake has it in him, to love like that. Maybe he can give it someday to the woman that he loves.”
Maggie carefully lifted the top. Inside lay a small gold chain and a simple gold cross. “It’s beautiful, Tony. I’ll do that. I’ll be hoping to see it around Molly’s neck one day. You know, just sayin’!”
“Yeah, me, too,” Tony admitted. “That would be fine by me.”
“And the last thing?”
“It’s the most important of the three, I think, and probably hardest for me to tell someone. Maggie, I love you! I mean, I actually do.”
“I know, Tony, I do know that. I love you, too. Crap, why did I even bother wearing makeup today?!”
“Okay, then, let’s not make this any harder. Kiss me good-bye and go join our family.”
“You want to know what you and Jake and your folks were enjoying in the picture?”
He laughed. “Of course!”
“I’m surprised you don’t remember. Your mother accidently poured salt instead of sugar into her coffee, and when she took a sip, she sprayed it across the room in a most unladylike manner, and right onto a woman dressed to the nines. Jake can tell it better, but you get the idea.”
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