by Sarah Morgan
‘I expect he did what he thought was best.’ Burying her own needs, Jenna watched as the sea level rose. ‘Don’t think about it now.’ They needed to climb higher, she thought numbly, glancing upwards with a sinking feeling in her stomach. Now that the immediate crisis was over, the impossibility of it overwhelmed her.
‘I want to talk about it, Mum!’ Lexi seemed to have forgotten her surroundings. ‘You’re always protecting me, but I want the truth.’
Shivering, wet, chilled to the bone, Jenna tried to stop her teeth from chattering as she searched for the right thing to say. ‘Dad—He—Actually, Lex, I don’t know what happened with your dad. The truth is that sometimes the people we love disappoint us. But I’m not going to do that. I will always be here for you. Always. You’ll have a home with me always.’ She smoothed the girl’s soaking hair. ‘Even when you’re off at university, or travelling the world, you’ll still have a home with me.’
If they survived.
If they didn’t both drown in this isolated, godforsaken gash in the cliff face.
‘Dad just acted like he didn’t have a family—’ Lexi’s voice jerked. ‘I mean, he made you sell the house so that he could have the money, and he didn’t even want me to go and stay with him this summer. That’s why we came up here, isn’t it? You made it impossible for me to get back there, so I wouldn’t find out the truth. But when I rang him he told me it wasn’t convenient for me to come—he didn’t want me around, and that’s why we came up here.’
Jenna stroked her daughter’s soaking hair, smoothing it away from her face. ‘I don’t know what’s going on in your dad’s head right now, sweetheart, but I do know he loves you. You need to give him time to sort himself out.’
‘He loves me as long as I don’t mess up his new life.’ Lexi scrubbed tears away with her hand. ‘I’m sorry I was so difficult. I’m sorry I made it hard for you.’
‘You didn’t. It always would have been hard. Having you is what’s kept me going. Having you is the best thing that ever happened in my life.’ With a flash of relief, Jenna saw the helicopter and drew Lexi back against the rock face. ‘Right. They’re going to get us out of here. You go first.’
Lexi clung to her mother. ‘I don’t want to leave you here—’
‘I’ll be right behind you, I promise.’
As Lexi was clipped onto the rope and lifted into the helicopter Jenna had a few moments alone on the rock.
Looking at the swirling, greedy sea, she knew that she was facing the most difficult decision of her life. She thought back to the moment when Ryan had been forced to choose between holding her and holding her daughter and the injured boy. That was life, wasn’t it? It was full of tough decisions. Things were rarely straightforward and every decision had a price.
If she told Lexi about her relationship with Ryan, she’d threaten her daughter’s security and happiness. And what could she offer Ryan? He wanted a family. Babies. Even if she was able to have more children, how could she do that to Lexi?
There was no choice to make because it had already been made for her.
Clinging to the rock, Jenna watched Lexi pulled to safety inside the helicopter, the seawater mingling with her tears.
CHAPTER NINE
OVERNIGHT, Lexi became a heroine.
As word spread of her daring climb down the cliffs to save Matt, Jenna couldn’t walk two steps along the bustling quay without being stopped and told how proud she must be feeling. Every time she opened her front door there was another gift lying there waiting for them. Fresh fruit. Cake. Chocolate. Hand-knitted socks for Lexi—
‘What am I expected to do with these? They’re basically disgusting!’ Back to her insouciant teenage self, Lexi looked at them in abject horror. ‘I wouldn’t be seen dead in them. Who on earth thinks I’ll look good in purple and green? Just shoot me now.’
‘You’ll wear them,’ Jenna said calmly, and Lexi shuddered.
‘How to kill off your love-life. If I’d known there was going to be this much fuss I would have let Matt drown.’ She grabbed a baseball cap and pulled it onto her head, tipping the brim down. ‘If this is how it feels to be a celebrity, I don’t want any of it. Two people took photos of me yesterday, and I’ve got a spot on my chin!’
Jenna smiled at the normality of it. It helped. There was an ache and an emptiness inside her, far greater than she’d felt after Clive had left. One pain had been replaced by another. ‘Ryan rang.’ She kept her voice casual. ‘He thought you’d want to know that Matt’s surgery went well and he’s definitely not in any danger. The surgeons said that if he’d lost any more blood he might have died, so you really are the hero of the hour.’
‘It wasn’t me, it was Ryan.’ Obviously deciding that being a heroine had its drawbacks, Lexi stuffed her iPod into her pocket and strolled towards the door. ‘I’m meeting Fraser on the beach. At least that way I might be able to walk five centimetres. And, no, I’m not wearing those socks.’
‘You can wear them in the winter.’
‘Any chance of us moving back to London before the weather is cold enough for socks?’ But, despite the sarcasm, there was humour in her eyes and Lexi gave Jenna a swift hug and a kiss. ‘What are you doing today?’
‘Nothing much. Just pottering. I might go for a walk.’ To the lighthouse, to tell Ryan that their relationship had to end.
Jenna watched as Lexi picked up her phone and strolled out of the house, hips swaying to the music which was so loud that Jenna could hear it even without the benefit of the earphones.
Her daughter was safe, she thought. That was all that mattered. Safe and settled. And as for the rest—well, she’d cope with it.
* * *
Ryan was standing on the cliffs, staring out over the sea, when he heard the light crunch of footsteps on the path. Even without turning he knew it was her. And he knew what she’d come to say.
Bracing himself, he turned. ‘I didn’t think you’d be coming over today. I assumed you’d be resting—that’s why I rang instead of coming round.’
‘We appreciated the call. We’ve both been thinking about Matt all night.’ She was wearing jeans and her hair blew in the wind. She looked like a girl, not a mother. ‘Lexi has gone for a walk and I wanted to talk to you.’
He wanted to stop her, as if not giving her the chance to say the words might change things. But what was the point of that? Where had denial ever got him? ‘Are you all right after yesterday? No ill effects?’
‘No. We were just cold. Nothing that a hot bath didn’t cure. Ryan—’
‘I know what you’re going to say, Jenna.’
‘You do?’
‘Of course. You want to end it.’
She took so long to answer that he wondered if he’d got it wrong, and then she made a sound that was somewhere between a sigh and a sob. ‘I have to. This just isn’t a good time for me to have a new relationship. I have to think of Lexi. She’s found out just how selfish her dad has been—she feels rejected and unimportant—if I put my happiness before hers, I’ll be making her feel as though she matters to no one. I can’t do that. She says she likes the fact that it’s just the two of us. Our relationship is her anchor. It’s the one thing that hasn’t changed. I don’t want to threaten that.’
‘Of course you don’t.’ Ryan felt numb and strangely detached. ‘I love you—you know that, don’t you?’
‘Yes.’ Her feet made no sound in the soft grass as she walked towards him. ‘And I love you. And that’s the other reason I can’t do this. You want children. You deserve children, Ryan. I’m thirty-three. I have no idea whether I can even have another child. And even if I could—and even if Lexi accepted our relationship in time—I couldn’t do that to her. She’d feel really pushed out.’ The hand she placed on his arm shook. ‘What am I saying? I’m talking about children and a future and you haven’t even said what you want—’
‘I want you.’ It was the one question he had no problem answering. In a mind clouded with thoughts and
memories, it was the one thing that was shiny and clear. ‘Have you talked to Lexi about it at all?’
‘No. No, I haven’t.’
‘Maybe you should.’ Refusing to give up without a fight, he slid his hands into her hair and brought his mouth down on hers. The kiss was hungry and desperate, and he wondered if by kissing her he was simply making it worse for them both. He tasted her tears and lifted her head. ‘Sorry. That wasn’t fair of me.’
‘It isn’t you. It isn’t your fault.’ She scrubbed her palm over her cheek. ‘But we’re grown-ups. She’s a child. This whole situation is terrible for her, and I’d do anything to change it, but I can’t. The one thing I can do is not make things worse.’ Her voice broke. ‘She is not ready for me to have another relationship.’
‘Are you telling me that you’re never going to have another relationship in case it upsets Lexi?’
‘One day, maybe. But not yet. It’s just too soon. I won’t do anything that makes this whole thing worse for her. I suppose I could hide our relationship, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to sneak around and live a lie. We deserve better.’ Jenna lifted her fingers to her temples and shook her head. ‘This is ridiculous. I may be thirty-three but I feel seventeen. And I never should have started this. I never should have hurt you—’
‘You’ve always been honest with me, and that’s all I ask.’ The hopelessness of it made the moment all the more intense, and their mouths fused, their hands impatient and demanding as they took from each other. Urgent, hungry, they made love on the grass, with the call of the seagulls and the crash of the sea for company.
Aferwards they lay on the grass in silence, because there was nothing more to say.
When Jenna stood up and walked away he didn’t stop her.
* * *
The following day Jenna was half an hour late to surgery because everyone had kept stopping her to ask her for the details or give her another bit of gossip. Feeling numb inside, she’d responded on automatic, her thoughts on Ryan. ‘Thank you—so kind—yes, we’re both fine—no permanent damage—Matt’s doing well—’
The effort of keeping up a front was so exhausting that she was relieved when she finally pushed open the glass doors to the Medical Centre. Hurrying through Reception, she was caught in an enormous hug by a woman she’d never met before.
‘Nurse Jenna—how can I thank you?’
‘I—’ Taken aback, Jenna cast a questioning glance at Janet, the receptionist, who grinned.
‘That’s Pam. Matt’s aunt. He has four aunts living on the island, so there’s going to be more where that came from.’ Janet handed a signed prescription to one lady and answered the phone with her other hand. ‘There’s a crowd waiting for you here, Jenna.’
Matt’s aunt was still hugging her tightly. ‘It’s thanks to your lass that our boy’s alive. I heard she climbed down—and then you went down that rope after her.’
‘Lexi was brave, that’s true—I’m very proud of her. And Ryan. But I didn’t do anything.’ Embarrassed by the fuss, desperate to be on her own, Jenna eased herself away from the woman, but people still crowded around her.
‘Can’t believe you went down that rope—’
‘Lexi climbed down without any help—’
‘Anyone who says today’s teenagers are a waste of space has never met a Glenmore teenager—’
‘Devil’s Jaws—’
‘Been more deaths there than any other part of Glenmore—’
Jenna lifted a hand to her throbbing head. ‘Maybe I’d rather not hear that part,’ she said weakly, remembering with horrifying clarity the moment when she’d stepped over the edge of the cliff. ‘I’m just so pleased Matt’s going to be all right. Dr McKinley rang yesterday and the hospital said surgery went well.’ After a summer on Glenmore she knew better than to bother worrying about patient confidentiality. If she didn’t tell them what was going on they’d find out another way, and the information would be less reliable. ‘I’m just sorry I’m late this morning. If everyone could be patient…’
‘Don’t give it a thought.’ Kate Green, who ran the gift shop on the quay, waved a hand. ‘Won’t kill any of us to wait. Anything we can do to help? We’re sorting out a rota to make food for Matt’s family when they’re back from the mainland. They won’t want to be fussing with things like that.’
Jenna looked at them all—looked at their kind faces, which shone with their eagerness to support each other in times of crisis. It was impossible not to compare it to the surgery she’d worked at in London, where patients had complained bitterly if they were kept waiting more than ten minutes. In London everyone led parallel lives, she thought numbly. Here, lives were tangled together. People looked left and right instead of straight ahead. They noticed if things weren’t right with the person next to them. They helped.
Someone pushed something into her hand.
Jenna opened the bag and saw two freshly baked muffins.
‘My mum thought you might not have had time for breakfast. We made you these.’ The child was no more than seven years old, and for Jenna it was the final straw. Too emotionally fragile to cope with the volume of kindness, she burst into tears.
‘Oh, now…’ Clucking like a mother hen, Kate Green urged her towards the nearest chair.
‘Shock—that’s what it is. It was her lass who stayed with Matt. Saved him, she did. That’s a worry for any mother.’
‘Tired, I expect…’
‘I’m so sorry.’ Struggling desperately to control herself, Jenna rummaged in her pocket for a tissue. Someone pushed one into her hand. ‘Just leave me for a minute—I’ll be fine.’ Oh, God, she was going to crack. Right here in public, with these kind people around her.
Evanna hurried out of her clinic, alerted by Janet. ‘Jenna? Are you all right?’
Jenna blew her nose. ‘Just being really stupid. And making my clinic even more behind than it is at the moment.’
‘Then perhaps we can get on with it? I’m first.’ Mrs Parker’s crisp voice cut through the mumbling and the sympathy. ‘And I’ve been standing on this leg for twenty minutes now. I’m too old to be kept waiting around. It isn’t the first drama we’ve had on Glenmore and it won’t be the last.’
Even the gentle Evanna gritted her teeth, but Jenna stood up, grateful to be forced into action.
‘Of course, Mrs Parker. I’m so sorry. Come with me. The rest of you—’ she glanced around the crowded waiting room ‘—I’ll be as quick as I can.’
Following Mrs Parker down the corridor to her room, Jenna braced herself for a sharp rebuke and a lecture.
Instead she was given a hug. ‘There, now…’ Mrs Parker’s voice shook slightly, and her thin fingers rubbed Jenna’s back awkwardly. ‘Those folks think they’re helping, but they’re overwhelming, aren’t they? I’ve lived on this island all my life and there are times when I could kill the lot of them. You must feel like a crust of bread being fought over by a flock of seagulls.’ With a sniff she pulled away, leaving Jenna with a lump in her throat.
‘Oh, Mrs Parker—’
‘Now, don’t you get all sentimental on me, young lady.’ Mrs Parker settled herself in the chair. ‘Sentimental is all very well once in a while, but it doesn’t solve problems. I’m guessing those tears have nothing to do with that foolhardy rescue or lack of sleep. Do you want to talk about it?’
Jenna blew her nose again. ‘I’m supposed to be dressing your leg—’
‘You’re a woman. Are you telling me you can’t talk and bandage a leg at the same time?’
Jenna gave a weak smile and turned her attention to work. Washing her hands, she prepared the equipment she needed. ‘It’s just reaction to yesterday, I’m sure. And I am a little tired. Really.’
‘I’m old, not stupid. But not so old I don’t remember how it feels to be confused about a man. You came here as a single mother. I’m guessing you’re rethinking that now.’
Jenna’s hands shook as she removed the bandage from the old lad
y’s leg. ‘No. No, I’m not rethinking that. Lexi and I are a team.’
‘So you’re going to let a strong, impressive man like Dr McKinley walk away from you?’
Jenna stilled. She thought about denying it and then realised it was useless. ‘Does everyone know?’
Mrs Parker sighed. ‘Of course. This is Glenmore. What we don’t know is why you’re not just booking the church. The Reverend King is quite happy to marry you, even though you’ve been divorced. I asked him.’
‘You—?’ Jenna gulped. ‘Mrs Parker, you can’t possibly—you shouldn’t have—’
‘You have a daughter. You need to keep it respectable. One bad marriage shouldn’t put you off doing it again.’ Mrs Parker glared at her. ‘What? You think it’s right, teaching that girl of yours it’s all right to take up with whoever takes your fancy? You need to set an example. If you like him enough to roll around in his sheets with him, you like him enough to marry him. And he certainly likes you. There’s a bet going on down at the pub that he’s going to ask you to marry him. You’d better have your answer ready.’
‘It would have to be no.’
Mrs Parker looked at her steadily, her customary frown absent. ‘As we’ve been drinking tea together for almost two months now, perhaps you’d do me the courtesy of explaining why you’d say no to a man most women would kill to be with.’
Jenna didn’t pause to wonder why she was talking to this woman. She needed to talk to someone, and Mrs Parker had proved to be a surprisingly good listener. ‘Because of Lexi.’
She blurted it all out. Everything she was feeling. The only thing she didn’t mention was Ryan’s past. That wasn’t hers to reveal.
Mrs Parker listened without interrupting. Only when Jenna had finished and was placing a fresh dressing on the wound did she finally speak. Her hands were folded carefully in her lap.
Age and wisdom, Jenna thought, wondering what secrets Mrs Parker had in her past. She was a girl once. A young woman. We see them as patients, but they’re people.
‘Tell me something.’ The old lady looked at her in the eye. ‘Do you plan to try and shield your daughter from everything that happens in life?’