by Sally Thorne
“I guess I will be.” To have the actual timeline of our remaining neighborly arrangement laid out for me in project software is quite daunting. All the more reason to lean into this process with diligence. There’s got to be one single guy in this entire town who isn’t planning on leaving ASAP.
Renata is struggling to cut into the firm cheddar. “Eight weeks is ridiculous. Find your person today.” The frailty of her arm stretched between us does give me a moment of pause.
To ignore her advice is fairly arrogant, given how long she’s been alive. I’m just considering whether an all-in approach is the better way forward when she loses her temper and says: “For God’s sake, someone with bone density cut this cheese for me. Now, what about the Parloni Method.” (We all brace ourselves.) “Go down to the bar and find someone whose teeth don’t repulse you. Boy or girl, doesn’t matter. Go home, take all your clothes off, roll around together. It’s how we did things back in the day.”
She holds out a regal hand until Teddy places a preloaded cracker in it. “I bet Panda Bear has rolled around in a fair few beds.”
“That’s sexual harassment,” I remind her. “He’s your employee.”
Teddy just shrugs. “She can’t harass me with the truth.” Is he expecting me to be scandalized? I already knew that. There’s no way a guy with this face and nuclear charm hasn’t been in every kind of bed, from sleeping bag to four-poster.
I don’t let myself look away. If I do, he’ll think I’m an inexperienced little kid. Right now, in this light, his eyes are neither brown nor green. What’s this in-between color called?
“But not lately,” he promises me. “I don’t roll around in beds anymore.”
“I’ll translate that for ya.” Renata’s gaze slides sideways to me and she tips all her wine into her mouth. Gulp. “He wants to roll around in your bed, Ruthie. Christ, does that sincere tone actually work out for you, Ted?”
Into the walkie-talkie, Teddy replies: “10–6, stand by on that, over.”
I know why they’re all laughing now. It’s funny because my bed is not very roll-worthy. I laugh, too, to show I’m a good sport, but I think I’m blushing just the same. Would he even fit in my bed? Who am I kidding. He’d fit himself in anywhere.
Melanie takes me through my worksheet. She’s put a lot of effort into it. When the air is getting chilly and the first mosquito makes its descent, Melanie turns to me as she gathers up her things. “I was wondering if I could ask you for a favor in return. You can say no.”
I nod as I help Renata into her jacket. “Go ahead.”
“With my contract ending in December, it’s made me realize I want to find my dream job. I’ve been temping for so long, I think I’ve just confused myself about what I enjoy. Can you kinda do a Midona Method on me?”
My heart squeezes at the vulnerability in her voice. She has this much faith in me? And she’s scared I’m about to say no? I think I’d walk through traffic for Melanie Sasaki.
“I only wish you’d asked me earlier, so I could have been as prepared as you were. How about this. You complete this worksheet, too, but for jobs. Turn-ons—what do you enjoy? Turnoffs—what will you never do? I’d love to help you find your dream job, Mel.”
My eyes settle on the tortoise rehabilitation zone in my courtyard. Six-year-old me would be horrified to hear that administration is my “dream job.” Little Kid Ruthie would have marched right into Teddy’s living room and snatched up that Reptiles for Dummies book.
Chapter Fourteen
I think I’m going to host a monthly cheese party, here at Providence,” I say to Teddy when my guests are gone and I’m carrying the almost-empty platter inside. “Did you know that I run a full seasonal activity program?”
His tone is dry as he lies on my couch. “Yes, Ms. Midona, I did know that.” I drop a flyer down on his face anyway.
“The Christmas party here really goes off. I’m not even kidding. We invite residents from Bakersfield Retirement Home and I drive a minibus of really old men up here to even out the numbers. I have to do a second trip back in the morning. A walk of shame when you’re over eighty is really, really slow.”
I’ve got the oven preheating. Once I start filling the bath, my routine will be perfectly unaltered. Nothing unusual around here, except for the six-four real estate heir lying flat on my couch with his belt undone. His gigantic sneakers are kicked off like he lives here.
“So do you like the idea of a cheese party? I think the residents will love it.”
“Sure. Everyone loves cheese.” He flips through the channels. There’s no smile on his mouth.
“Tell me what’s wrong, Theodore.” I sit on the end of the couch near his black-socked feet. I’ve affixed the Method worksheet onto a clipboard. “Mel’s put a blank space here marked Name. Like she’s got other clients and doesn’t want to mix up the paperwork. Well, who am I to disobey a form.” I write in RUTHIE MAREE MIDONA. “I have to write a list. I can do that.”
“I just like it best when it’s only you and me.” He knows there’s only room for one guy on this couch. “I’ve never had a place where the same thing happens every day. This is it.”
“Providence is a little like that.”
“No, I mean here. With you, the oven timer, and the pipes filling your bath. When I was growing up”—here, he breaks off, and this seems hard—“I usually didn’t know where I was spending the night. Mom and Dad didn’t really work out a custody arrangement, it was pretty ad hoc. Just whoever lost the coin toss got me.”
“I wouldn’t have coped with that.”
“I barely did.” He pulls himself up to nestle his shoulders into the throw pillows. I turn and do the same, and my legs fit between his. “I know I come off pretty flaky. I’ve just lived like this a long time. And I want this to last awhile longer.”
We’re like two people lying together in a bathtub. It feels like we’ve sat like this for years. He pulls the elastic from his hair and the sumptuous black coil sits on his shoulder like a pet. He looks like a man, muscled and animal. He says to the clipboard, “I won’t like your list.”
“Because the list won’t be about you?” The way he blinks tells me yes. “Teddy, you are skating very close to gorgeous narcissist territory.”
I tap the page with my pen. I’m going to ignore the sensation of his eyes on me and the way his energy tugs like a hand on my sleeve, asking me to look up.
“Gorgeous?”
“Your Honor, I rest my case.” His legs are snuggling closer around mine. I’m trying hard to not smile. “Choose something to watch, please. You’re driving me nuts changing that channel.”
“Put on Heaven Sent. I know you have it, I can hear it through the wall.” He begins singing part of the theme song: “‘Whenever you’re alone, I call your name, whenever you’re lost, you know you’ll get home—’”
Is he teasing? Blood makes my face hot. “Did you actually press your ear on the wall? I kept the volume so low I had to put subtitles on.”
He nods and continues singing in a lovely voice (of course he can flippin’ sing, what is he even bad at?). “‘Life’s got ups and downs, we play that game, but when will you learn?’”
Even me, with my heart of stone, cannot resist singing the last line with him. “‘When will you learn, you’re heaven sent?’” We even harmonize. I grin at him. “You think I’m a huge loser, right?” Please just tell me you do. Pop this helium feeling.
“If you’re a loser, then I am too. I fucking love that show. Put on the one where Francine goes bra shopping.” He keeps humming the theme song, tapping his toe against my hip. I look at the blank worksheet. I feel like I’m not going to like anything I write, either. If I don’t get ahold of myself, it could easily look like this:
Turn-ons
Tall
Tattoos
Those magic eyes
That insanely good hair
Quick smile/perfect teeth
Talented hands that give and take
Turnoffs
Anyone who isn’t him
I’d better use a pencil and an eraser.
I haven’t answered him. “I’m three seasons behind that episode. I always watch them in order. And I wouldn’t let you watch that one anyway, you perv. Francine’s supposed to be in high school.”
He shrugs. “Hey, I was in high school, too, when it aired. My sisters and I never missed an episode. That was one thing I could count on in my week. So where are we up to? We wouldn’t want to mess up the special Heaven Sent system.”
(Little does he know that, thanks to the worldwide rewatch hosted by my forum, there literally is a special system.)
“I only do an annual viewing, and if I watch them in order, it makes it more satisfying. The bigger story arcs build up so well.”
“I’m sure, Tidy Girl.” He grins to himself. “Only an annual viewing. Such restraint. Is this what you want to do with your dream man? Snuggling up, watching a churchy TV show? Does it remind you of home?”
We’re interlocking our legs like this is normal. Sort of snuggling, now that he mentions it. The feel of another person, resting against me, warm and heavy? This is genuine heaven. “This was what I counted on each week, too. This routine of mine? It goes way back.”
“How far?”
“Since . . .” I trail off but he nudges me with his foot to keep going. “My mom picks up produce from supermarkets and restaurants in the evenings. She’s been doing it since I was around eight years old. A local business donated a van, it’s all pretty professional. The food is distributed to soup kitchens and community organizations, and she doesn’t get home until midnight.”
“She was gone all night, then. But your dad was home.”
“This is going to make me sound like a bad person.” I hesitate. “I hated her being gone. After his day, Dad’s tired, mad, distracted. He recharges himself with silence, and it wasn’t comfortable between us. He’d usually be in his office at night.”
“So you created your own nighttime routine.” Teddy looks around the room and back at me with understanding. “And you knew when Heaven Sent would be on TV. You could count on it. Like me.” A nice feeling of understanding glows between us.
“The other thing was, we usually had a stranger living in our house. There’s an emergency room in the basement, with a bed for whoever needs it. I was a fragile kid. I couldn’t deal with that, but I had to, because charity starts at home.”
A stranger brushing their teeth in the bathroom. A stranger sitting in my chair at the breakfast table.
“You asked me when we first met if I had strict parents. I did, but I think they expected me to know how to do the right thing and left me alone to work it out. I think we’ve got a bit in common there.”
“Your sacred bedtime Ruthie Ritual makes complete sense now. Maybe I should have done that, too.”
“It’s not too late to create a routine. Self-care as an adult is really important.”
He’s still thinking—about me, I think, because his eyes are on mine. “I’ll just keep sliding into your routine until you get annoyed and lock your door on me. So that amazing care package you left for me in the courtyard. You’ve done that a few times, huh? And this is why having me turn up out of the blue has been hard for you.”
I feel a little ashamed of myself. On the inside, I’ve been nothing but grudging charity. “Not hard, exactly.”
“It’s okay, I get it. Things are less peaceful with me around.”
“Who’s told you that?” I ask, but he’s finding the next episode of Heaven Sent. “You’re not going to talk through the episodes, are you? Wait, I thought of something to put in the deal breakers column.” I write on the form: Doesn’t like Heaven Sent.
Teddy performs an ab-trembling sit-up, reads what I wrote, then lies back down with a satisfied groan. “My sisters used to slap my ear if I talked. You can do that if you want.”
I press play and we sing the theme song together. I grab a knitted throw blanket for my lap and Teddy grabs the other end. We tug-of-war and laugh. How did this happen so easily?
One episode ends, the next begins. I put two chicken cordon bleus into the oven instead of one. I thought silence was all I would tolerate, but I enjoy talking during the episodes. He only offers good, funny observations at the right moment.
Including one observation I might steal as a debate prompt in my Heaven Sent You Here forum.
“I thought I was going to marry Francine Percival back in the day. She was my dream girl,” Teddy says when the credits roll and I hand him a plate of food. “Oh wow. I could get used to this.” Both statements ding a warning bell inside my brain.
“What is it about Francine you like? Other than the obvious.” The actress is now the face of a French cosmetics brand. This is a test for Teddy.
“She’s so neat and tidy.”
“Oh.” The same words Renata used to describe me, but now they’re said in his lovely husky voice. I put my plate on the coffee table and pick up my clipboard. In the turn-ons I write Honesty. Then I write, Good listener. Confident.
“She’s so reserved,” he continues as he eats. “I feel like she’s got so much going on below the surface, but nothing outwardly surprises her character. She’s self-controlled. Messes like me find that really intriguing. She’s funny as hell in that good, dry way that I’m addicted to. Almost every laugh in this show is because of her.”
I’m surprised by his insight. “I like that about her too. There’s this episode when she gets her wisdom teeth out, and her crush Ash Dangerfield visits her in hospital—”
“Oh yeah, and she’s waking up from the anesthetic.” Teddy grins. “Francine’s telling him the truth. No filter. God, I should be so lucky.”
“She’s ridiculous in that scene, but she’s still somehow dignified. Francine can handle anything. It’s liberating to talk about this out loud. I haven’t found anyone in real life who watches this show, let alone a guy.”
I go back to my clipboard and try to think of nonincriminating things to write in the turn-ons column. Reliable. Mature. Insightful. All those things could still be applied to Teddy in various ways. He’s jumped through every flaming hoop that Renata has set up for him, and he’s been admirably dedicated to his new job.
“Guys like me,” Teddy says, and my tummy takes a dangerous dip, “wonder what it would take to get a girl like Francine all . . .” He forks up a huge mouthful of food. “All messy,” is what he goes with when he swallows. “Uncontrolled and kinda wild. What would it take to get her there?” He’s got those hot eyes again.
“I’m sure you wonder about that all the time.” I hold the clipboard away when he tries to reach for it. This clipboard will confirm his suspicions. “No. Mind your own business.”
“What’d you write?” The paw marked TAKE makes another swipe. “We share everything, remember?” I left the front door open, so I can’t be surprised to have this big black kitty curled up on my couch now.
“Never mind.” I switch to the next column. “Might as well think of a few turnoffs.”
“You were just sitting there writing turn-ons? Fuck me. Scandalized.” He puts his empty plate on the coffee table and slides down to lie flat, his socked feet in my lap and a forearm across his eyes. “I love it in here. Let me stay.”
“What, for tonight?”
“Forever.” It’s declared sincerely. He looks at my untouched plate and licks the corner of his lips.
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “You can’t keep saying things like that to me.”
“Why not?”
“I’ll . . .” I can’t think of what to say.
“What.” He’s daring me. “Say it.”
“I’ll get too used to you being here.” I wonder how many other girls’ cushions he’s curled up on. “Who was your last Good Samaritan?”
“What do you mean?”
“In the meeting, your dad said that you ran out of couches. You also said Good Samaritans were
usually female.”
He blinks a few times like he’s mentally changing gears. “Not always. I had to bounce off a couple of guys I went to school with until I swallowed my pride and called old Papa Prescott.” He pulls his feet out of my lap. “I don’t like thinking about this.”
He sits up, takes my unguarded clipboard, and lies back to read it.
“Boring as shit,” he declares after a second. “This is what you want? This is your dream guy? Give me the pen. I wanna make some amendments.” His eyes read, back and forth, a scowl I’ve never seen on his face. “Now this is someone who’s never been late for rent in his life.”
“Me, and what I want, is a ridiculous joke?” I slash an imaginary line across my knuckles. “I mean, I know you’ve got TAKE permanently inked on your body, but it really isn’t an attractive quality.”
“Generosity is underlined twice. Your dream man is a model of charity and virtue.”
When I wrote that, I was thinking about how generosity takes many forms. Teddy is lavish with his attention and care. I try to take the clipboard again.
“You should learn how to take.” He holds up a finger to silence whatever retort I’m trying to formulate. “Saint Ruthie of Providence needs to learn how to get selfish.”
“Well, you’re the perfect person to teach me.”
“You could always take the option Renata suggested. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean.” He spirals a finger at the dark doorway at the end of the room. “I’ve been dreaming about snuggling under your patchwork quilt. Please wake me up in time for work.”
“Don’t joke about this.”
“I dare you,” he says and for once, his hypnotizing charm-voice penetrates the shield I hold up around him. “What does it take for your composure to slip? You feel this, I know you do.”
“Is this what you normally do? What you’ve suggested is not very romantic.”
“It’s true, I’ve never been accused of being romantic, but I think I’ll love kissing you. That’s all we’ll do. Just kiss and I get to sleep in your bed tonight. I think that’s pretty romantic.”