by Willow Aster
“I wish I’d never given you my heart.” I twist the ring on my finger, the ring that has become second nature since he put it on me, and I take it off. I hold it up to him and put it in his hand.
“No.” He shakes his head. “No. I won’t take it. I don’t want it back.” He tries to hand it back to me, and I don’t let him. He lays it on my chest of drawers and says, “It’s yours.”
I walk into my closet and shut the door. He tries talking to me through the door for a couple of hours, but I fall asleep so I don’t know when he stopped, if he did
- 24 -
Sept 21
Sparrow—
I miss you.
I love you.
Please forgive me.
Ian
Sept. 22
I love you, Sparrow.
You’ve got me by the heart.
Sept 23
Sparrow.
I know there are billions of people in the world.
In my 31 years, I have found one who made me believe that I could love, and be loved, forever.
I can’t let you go.
Ian
Sept 25
Sparrow—
My prayer has been that God would somehow let you feel the true scope and depth of the love I have for you. I would sacrifice every earthly thing to make you know that my heart is truly yours.
Please try and find a way to forgive me for hurting you.
Lost without you—
Ian
Sept 26
Oh, Sparrow—
If you could know my heart. If you could know my motives. The noble and the vile. The selfish and the pure. If you could truly know me…
If you could feel my sorrow and my shame. Know how I hate the things I have done—my sins, my failures, my weaknesses. How I despise them. How I loathe the memory of them and how I wish they could be wiped away.
Know the frustration of a man who has been so close to living out his highest ideals and yet fallen so far short…
Know the fear of a boy who could never quite trust another human being with his life. Hiding behind the living room curtain from unreasonable dangers.
If you could know my deepest desires. My dreams. My prayers. My innermost longings. To love without prejudice or greed. To be real…
To be known. To be loved. If I could somehow just open my chest, or my brains, or wherever it is that my soul is kept, and reveal myself to you in an instant. That you could see me completely. The truth. Not just the facts but the whole truth. The person.
This is the one hope that I have never dared to hope for. Yet, in the heart of my heart, I know I have always yearned for it more than anything on earth—to be known. Truly. Completely. Intimately. As God knows. And still, to be loved.
Oh, Sparrow. If only you could know my whole heart. How much love is there for you. Love that you haven’t seen yet. Love that no one has ever seen. A lifetime of love withheld. Concealed.
Love that could heal and hold. And endure.
Sparrow, you have seen me. And you do know me. More than anyone ever has. The evil and the ugly that you have seen, as well as the good, are me.
But there is still a heart. A soul. A person who aches to be yours.
To be released.
To wrap himself inside you and know that he is safe.
From deep—
Ian
P.S. I beg you for your forgiveness, my freedom…
Sept 27
Missing you.
Every day.
I love you, Sparrow.
Ian
Sept 30
Sparrow, Sparrow, Sparrow—
Thinking of you…
Missing you…
I arrived in St. Paul yesterday afternoon. The drive was long and beautiful. I’ll have to tell you about it.
For now, some highlights:
I slept on a mountain east of Salt Lake City. It was awe-inspiring. A lake far below, reflecting a sky full of stars. I had a feeling of being blanketed in God’s creation (an illusion, I woke up freezing).
Just west of Des Moines, a deer ran in front of the car. Awful. I was fine (not the deer, I’m afraid).
St. Paul was a welcome sight. Everything is so green and the temp was about 80-90 (above 0). Rain yesterday and today.
Wish you were here.
Writing is strange and difficult for me right now. I write these few sentences while my mind thinks a thousand thoughts—draws a thousand pictures. My heart beats with a thousand emotions.
This is why I have finally begun to pray. Maybe your dad was onto something with that whole thing. Because I know I just can’t adequately express what’s inside of me on my own.
I’m sorry for all the messages. I wish you’d let me fix your phone. My number is the same. I carry my phone everywhere I go and fall asleep holding it … just in case. I will always wait for you.
Ian
Oct 4
Sparrow—
Am spending a couple days with Mom in Lutsen, MN, a ski resort on Lake Superior.
Beautiful.
Waves, rocks, cliffs, birches, pines, wildflowers, vast blue horizon.
Thinking of you
Missing you
Loving you
Ian
Oct 5
Loons are the state bird of Minnesota.
There is a pair living outside our room.
They are known to mate for life.
My mom and I watched “On Golden Pond” last night.
Oct 6
The Lady Slipper is the Minnesota state flower, also called moccasins.
Song of Songs 2:2
(This book on wildflowers reminds me of us. We can survive anything too.)
Oct 7
Every day and every night, I’m loving you. Steadfast love in my heart for you.
Nothing can ever take it away.
All my love—
Ian
Oct 12
Sparrow—
I love you. With every deep, sighing breath I take, with every heavy beat of my heart. Every time I lay my head on my lonely pillow. Every morning when the sun first breaks through my dreams. I remember. I feel you. I love you.
You are in me. In the deepest part of me. Deeper than my memories, my unconscious thoughts. Deeper than my ever-changing emotions. You are in the place right next to where I keep my faith in God (a faith that I won’t let go of now, in spite of it being shaken many times, from without and within). You’re deep in me.
It was not this way the first time we met. But something in me knew that someday it would be this way. Deep was calling to Deep. I was hearing hopes and feeling longings that were impossible for me to fully understand.
I said, “I’m in love.”
Hopefully. Skeptically.
I had never experienced true love. I didn’t believe in true love. I had learned about infatuation and disappointment. I had tried on romantic “love” and failed. I was sure that I had never seen an example of true love in real life.
I loved you then. But only as much as I could.
I look back now and I see love growing. Maturing. Gradually. By days. By moments. Firelight hugs. Mountain drives. Teary face kisses. Awful, angry, frustrated silences. Erased with one forgiving smile. Barefoot walks on slippery rocks. Holding on. Breaking down. Opening up. Hurting. Healing.
Slowly peeling the callus from one scarred, scared heart.
If I could go rushing back and whisper in the ear of that poor fool in the restaurant. If I could tell him what was ahead. Tell him about the joy and hardship and pleasure and agony of finding true love. If I could somehow convince him that the inkling he was feeling was just exactly what he wanted to believe it was, he might have been changed instantly.
But, I can’t go back.
He’ll just have to learn about love for himself. Again and again in my memory.
And make the same mistakes over and over until they are forgiven.
Little Bird, our love has been hard-earned from
the very beginning. It is more precious to me than anything on earth. I can’t just let go of it. And I won’t stop fighting for it.
It’s only over if you want it to be.
My hope is that what has gone before is only the introductory chapter of our love story. There are more memories to be made.
For us—
Ian
Oct 14
It’s a half-moon tonight and it’s shinin’ half-bright
As if the sky could understand the way I feel inside—
Half of me is livin’ half a world from here
Half of me is dyin’, cryin’ one lonely tear
Silently
In the half-moon light
Sparrow.
Nothing will be completely right until you’re with me.
Ian
Oct 16
If you ever think of me, I’m thinking of you at that very moment.
All my love
Ian
Oct 17
I believe in you and me.
Ian
Oct 21
We Belong Together.
Well, Baby—
Think. Words Beginning Thus Would Be Tender Words—But True.
Wonderful, Beautiful, Thoughtful Words, But They Would Be Truthful Words.
Believe Them.
Wishes Become True.
Wisdom Brings Trust.
We’re Being Tested.
We’re Both Tough.
Who Buys That?
Waiting By Telephone.
Wake Before Twelve.
Work Before Television.
Wiggle Big Toe.
Well … Be Thinking
Warm-Blooded Teddy
World’s Biggest Turkey
Way Back Then
Warm Bellies Touched
We Began Trembling
Weeping Boy Thinks,
“Where’s Baby’s Touch?”
What Big Tears.
We Belong Together.
Oct 25
Dear Sparrow—
I was awakened at 5:30 this morning by the sound of your voice on the phone. I hate dreams that end in the middle. I didn’t have time to hear you say anything, but, “Hi, it’s Sparrow.” I didn’t have time to tell you that I love you.
But, I did get an early start on the day. And several hours to think and write you this letter.
I think I’m gonna stay here a while. I can’t seem to function without you. No pressure, but … I can’t live without you.
You probably think that when I tell you how much I hurt, and describe the pain of missing you, I’m trying to gain your sympathy or pity. I’m not. What I am trying to do is help you know the truth of how deeply I love you. How much you really mean to me. How much you are a part of me.
No pain, no rejection, no separation, no depression, no opposition, no fiery hell can drive you out of my heart.
This is proven fact.
I have been brought as low as I can possibly go. I have tasted the bitter core. I have been abandoned, forsaken. I’ve been to the edge of despair. I’ve had every reason for hope ripped away.
And I know it is all my fault. I am the one who ruined us.
But I have not lost my faith.
And I haven’t lost my love for you. It’s stronger than ever.
I suppose I might never have known or believed that love could be so strong if I hadn’t seen it dragged through this hell. Now I know that love can truly endure anything.
My old fears are gone.
I used to fear that I had never had the ability to really love someone. To be vulnerable to someone. To trust someone with my heart.
I feared that I wouldn’t have the strength to persevere through the hard times.
I feared rejection.
I feared that love wouldn’t last.
I feared that love would be used against me. To hurt me.
I feared that no one could really love me.
Real fears.
These fears go way back. And I realize now that they played a huge part in how I have formed my relationships ever since I was a kid.
Trying to feel loved without becoming vulnerable.
Trying to find affection and closeness without the danger of commitment.
Always keeping a way to escape.
Never trusting anyone. Ever.
Never giving anyone reason to rely on me completely.
Never believing in true love.
This was how I protected myself. This was how a tenderhearted little boy decided to survive.
Was I like this when we met? Did I bring this into our relationship? Yes.
Those fears and those patterns and those defenses were as much a part of me as the calluses on my fingertips.
Then came love.
Unexpected.
Seemingly out of nowhere.
Gradually taking root and growing.
Breaking through.
Fighting against everything that I had come to believe about it.
Invading my safe, lonely place.
Softening my heart.
I was afraid.
I’m sorry.
I don’t think I can finish this letter. But I still want you to read it. It’s full of truth.
I don’t expect for you to understand. But I hope you will.
I want to talk to you. Please. Call. Tell me how and when I can call you. Write. Let me come to you. Let me bring you to me.
Anything.
It’s right for us to talk.
You are my first
And last
And only
True Love—
Ian
Oct 29
I love you, Sparrow.
W.B.T.
Nov 1
I love you more than anyone knows.
It would take a lifetime to show you.
Ian
Nov 3
I love you today and for always.
It’s a love that didn’t grow up overnight.
Ian
Nov 4
Your smile makes the sun shine.
I live to see that smile on me again.
Nov 5
My nights are a constant reaching for you ….
Nov 8
Dear Sparrow—
Don’t know where you are or who you’re with or what you’re doing. How you’re feeling, what you’re thinking. When you’re smiling, when you’re crying. If you miss me like I miss you. If you’ve got someone to talk to.
I know I’m still here and I still love you.
And I always will.
Ian
Nov 12
SparrowSparrowSparrowSparrow—
Another fabulous day.
I heard your voice last night.
Slept in ’til 9. Ate.
Hope I’ve heard from you before you get this letter. What did we talk about?
I’m so glad we talked.
I love you.
Ian
Nov 13
There is a miracle in the way love keeps enduring … across a million miles.
Nov 14
Sparrow—
I want to write I want to talk I want to communicate somehow
Words are not coming easy.
I hurt to my very soul.
I feel your pain and I’m not allowed to comfort you.
I know the certainty of my love for you and I have no way to give it to you.
I’ll stop here. I know I can’t express myself in this letter.
But please know that I love you.
I’m doing everything I know to do.
I want what’s right and what’s best for you.
I don’t believe that us being apart for life is necessary or best. Do you?
So much more I want to say.
For us
Ian
Nov 15
Do you get tired of people trying to help you “get over it”?
Forever Love.
Ian
Nov 16
Sparrow.
I miss you so much.
Ian
Nov 18
I mourn for the time we’ve lost. There’s a lot of life ahead. I don’t want us to miss out on any more of it. I’m so lonely without you. I love you, sweet Sparrow. My love.
I’m so ready to be with you.
Nov 19
Still barkin’ up your tree…
Nov 20
Yesterday I went into the library and just sat down, imagining you there.
Nov 22
Little Bird
It’s been about a half-hour now since I wrote the two words preceding this sentence. It’s so hard to have a one-sided conversation. I can’t address any of your thoughts or feelings and I want to so much.
We’re not strangers, Sparrow. I keep appealing to you because I know that no one else can really understand what is between us. These well-meaning people who say, “Life must go on,” have no idea. I can no more “go on” without you than I could if half of my body was cut away.
My soul is knit to yours. My life is hinged to yours. I move, I breathe, but I don’t really live without you. All that keeps my heart beating is the hope that it will someday beat next to yours again.
I love you, Sparrow.
Nov 24
It’s cold. You’re far. I’m saving your place.
Nov 25
I love you.
Give me a chance to show you how much.
Give yourself a chance to know it.
For us. Forever.
W.B.T.
Dec 1
You may have to break this heart
Before you can use it.
You may have to take it apart and start all over with me.