“So?”
IMPORTANT, Nina signed, practically squirming with glee. WE NEED CELEBRATE.
“Oh, come on. Really?” I said, trying not to grimace.
YES! Nina signed back excitedly.
I looked to Beau for backup, but all he did was go palms up as if to say, This is Nina’s show here.
REALLY? I signed with an involuntary wince.
“Yes!” Nina said at the same time Beau signed, YOU WILL HAVE FUN.
WANT SMALL, I signed to Nina, and she nodded quickly, signing back, UNDERSTAND.
Hoping the birthday thing would be put to rest, I unwrapped my sandwich and took a bite. Beau and Nina started in on their own lunches, and for a moment I started to temporarily forget everything that had been going wrong lately. I had two people here that I was pretty sure would support me no matter what happened.
As much as I wanted to ignore the whole interpreter situation with Cartwright and focus on more important things immediately at hand, I was telling Kathleen what happened before the day was out.
NORMAL? I signed to her as we stood beside my locker after the last bell. I FEEL COLLEGE SHOULD HAVE MANY INTERPRETER.
Kathleen was nodding along with an inquisitive look on her face. NOT STRANGE, she signed. SOMETIMES THAT HAPPEN. BUT . . .
I felt my breath catch waiting for what she would sign next. Kathleen mentioned a while back that she’d been an educational interpreter for a long time. She had to be in the know where education was concerned, right?
Please don’t let her deliver any more depressing news, I thought uneasily.
I MAKE CALL, Kathleen finally signed, a confident smile taking over her face. I KNOW SOME PEOPLE. I TELL YOU LATER INFORMATION I FIND.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, I signed quickly, and before I could think twice I threw my arms around her in a hug.
I could feel Kathleen laughing by the vibrations in her chest, and she was still smiling when I let her go and took a step back.
This didn’t mean Kathleen was offering a solution by any means, but she seemed like the type of person to get things done. If there was anybody to put my trust in, it was Kathleen.
TRY NOT T-O WORRY, Kathleen signed, then chucked me under the chin. ALL OK.
It’ll all be okay, I told myself as Kathleen and I parted ways and I went outside to find Beau.
I sure hoped so at least. Thinking about whatever Nina was going to throw together for my birthday had me feeling queasy, but putting on a happy face and going along with it was the least I could do. Without Nina, I wasn’t so sure where I would be in the tangled web that was Engelmann.
I had to throw Beau into that equation too when I saw him outside, leaning against his car with a book in hand, like always. My heart did this stupid little jump when he looked up as I approached and smiled warmly.
FEEL BETTER? he signed when I stopped in front of him, tossing his book on the roof of his car.
I was going to answer his question honestly, but there was something else I’d rather do first.
I curled my fingers around Beau’s collar and tugged him down to my level so I could kiss him, because why not? Didn’t seem like Beau minded either since he was kissing me back.
BETTER NOW, I signed once I let him go.
CHAPTER 33
Can’t do birthday stuff today, I texted Nina late Saturday morning, curled up on the couch in the living room with Connor beside me. Little bro not feeling well.
Connor had a rough go of it this morning, hacking up more mucus and fluid than usual, and his discomfort was evident. There wasn’t much I could actually do to help him except stick close and watch Spider-Man cartoons—his go-to when he wasn’t feeling well.
Nina texted back almost immediately, wanting to know if Connor was okay and if there was anything she could do to help. I assured her everything was fine, just that we would have to reschedule the birthday stuff for later. I still wasn’t feeling super celebratory, even though I appreciated her enthusiasm for making my day memorable.
Don’t worry, said Nina’s next text. We’ll bring the party to u.
Repeatedly texting Nina from there on, telling her how unnecessary it was to bring the party to me, was pointless.
The doorbell rang a little over an hour later, the lighting in the living room flashing on and off for a couple seconds. When I opened the door, Beau and Nina were standing there on the front porch, holding a stack of pizzas, a happy birthday balloon, and what looked suspiciously like a few presents.
They both said, “Happy birthday!” rather than signing it, their arms full of birthday paraphernalia.
“What’s all this?” I asked, holding tight to the door handle. I was torn between gratefulness that I had such awesome friends and embarrassment over being the center of attention. Especially since I was still wearing sweats, an oversized baseball T-shirt, and hadn’t showered yet.
“Come on . . . just . . . two . . .” Nina said, nodding at Beau. “. . . brother . . . have fun!”
Connor was already off the couch and standing next to me in the doorway, eyeing the balloon Nina had wrapped around her wrist. Mom joined us next, putting a hand to my shoulder, signing, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, when I looked at her.
FUN, Mom signed, doing that thing where she wiggled her eyebrows to make me laugh.
Yeah, my mother was so in on this whole thing.
“Mother, I am in my pajamas!”
“So?” Mom said with a shrug, then pointed to the stairs. “Go change.”
ONE SECOND, I signed to Mom as Beau took the pizzas into the dining room and Nina gave Connor the balloon.
I sprinted up the stairs to my bedroom and threw on the first pair of jeans and clean T-shirt I could get my hands on. I yanked a brush through my knotted hair and pulled it up into something resembling a ponytail, then got my hearing aids in and ran back downstairs.
Everyone was gathered around the dining table with the pizza, the handful of presents, and a small cake with blue frosting and sprinkles. I got another round of them signing HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me and somehow I managed to respond with a feeble, THANK YOU.
In the grand scheme of things, I guessed letting Nina have her fun with this was the least I could do. She was the first hearing friend I’d made at Engelmann, and it was hard not to think that I would always be thankful for her.
Connor sat with us at the table while we grabbed slices of pizza, but he got bored pretty quickly with the conversation and went back to the cartoons in the living room. Mom seemed the happiest I’d seen her in a while, talking and signing with Beau and Nina, and I started to think that maybe this whole thing wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
I got through two slices of pepperoni with extra cheese before I gave into the laughter. Watching Beau attempt to sign and eat at the same time was far more amusing to me than it should have been.
“How do . . . sign with . . . hand?” Beau asked with a deep scowl. “When . . . eat?”
After a while signing and eating at the same time became second nature to Deaf people.
I bit down on my lip to smother the giggles, but I think one or two escaped. “Practice.”
Nina insisted on opening presents next before doing the whole cake thing, and I was happy I only had three items to unwrap. The first present was from Nina—a lotion and body soap set that smelled like vanilla sugar from some fancy store. Next was a joint gift from Nina and Beau, a gift certificate to Cartwright’s bookstore, which they claimed was very important thanks to all the overpriced textbooks I’d need.
Mom had included her own handful of presents for me in the gift exchange—a birthday card along with a gift certificate to a clothing store for my new college wardrobe and the boxed set of all the seasons of my favorite TV show. Even more touching was that Connor had pooled together his allowance to buy us a new notebook and a booklet of Marvel stickers to decorate it with.
My last present was a book that was not surprisingly from Beau, and I had the feeling it was from his personal collectio
n. I was by no means the avid reader Beau was, and yet I was still very touched by the battered copy of Jane Eyre I now held in my hands.
I inspected the old book, flipping through the yellowing pages. This wasn’t a first edition, but it was definitely dated, with old-fashioned illustrations depicting scenes from the novel.
Tucked between the first few pages was an envelope that held a simple blue card with the words Happy Birthday written across the front in Beau’s untidy handwriting. Inside there was a small note addressed to me that read:
I haven’t seen you with many books before, but you’ll have to tell me what you think of this one. You might find you have a thing or two in common with the main character.
Written underneath that was a quote from the novel.
“I am no bird, and no net ensnares me.”
I tucked the card back into its envelope, slid it back between the pages, and carefully set the book on the table. When I finally turned to look at Beau I wasn’t surprised to see him watching me intently, trying to gauge my reaction to his present.
It seemed ridiculous to only sign, THANK YOU, but that was all I could manage in that moment with Beau’s green eyes fixed on me the way they were.
YOU LIKE? he signed quickly.
LOVE, I signed back honestly, resting my hand on the book.
Beau gave a tiny sigh of relief and signed, GOOD. HAPPY.
If it weren’t for Nina stepping in, signing that it was time for cake now, I think Beau and I might’ve sunk even further into the moment.
I kept repeating those words from the book to myself as I cut into my slice of cake.
I am no bird, and no net ensnares me.
Birthday celebrating wasn’t really so bad. There was a bunch of laughter and stories from school being traded back and forth, with Mom and sometimes Connor in on the fun too. I was a little surprised by how much I was enjoying this and how it wasn’t awkward having my friends and my mom together in the same vicinity, which usually left the door wide open for embarrassment.
Nina got to wrapping things up later in the afternoon thanks to an evening shift she had at Target, and since she’d carpooled with Beau, he had to leave as well. I was a little sad to see them go, but I figured Beau probably had a mountain of homework to get through before Monday.
THANK YOU, I signed to Nina and Beau while I walked them outside after they said their good-byes to Mom and Connor. FUN.
SAME, Nina signed, tossing an arm around my shoulders to pull me in for a side-hug. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Beau hung back while Nina went down the driveway to his car, keys in hand, so I signed, WHAT’S UP?
I watched him suck in some air before he finally signed, HAVE GIFT FOR YOU.
“What?” I said, frowning. “I thought the book was my present.”
“Yeah, but . . .” Beau said, then pulled out an envelope from his jacket pocket that he then thrust at me.
I felt my frown deepening as I took the envelope, turning it over in my hands. Nothing on the outside of the envelope gave any indication as to where it could’ve come from. I carefully tore open the envelope and peeked inside, confused at the sight of some papers, a brochure, and a business card.
I yanked the contents of the envelope out to give them a closer look. My hands started to shake as I rifled through the papers, hardly able to believe Beau was the one to give me all this.
The brochure slipped from my grasp and fluttered to the ground as I turned my attention to the business card for a Dr. Janet Porter at Children’s Hospital in Aurora.
“What is this?”
Even if I couldn’t hear them, the words felt sharp flying from my mouth.
Beau went from looking hopeful to taken aback in half a second, and he signed, INFORMATION FOR—
“What part of I don’t want a cochlear implant did you not understand?”
I gave Beau the moment he obviously needed to collect his thoughts, because this clearly wasn’t the response he was anticipating. When he couldn’t come up with any signs, he started talking, saying, “I was thinking about . . . job interview and college . . . how upset . . . were. I did research . . . cochlear implants . . . and . . . thought maybe . . . want . . . look . . .”
“Stop. Just stop please.”
Beau pressed his lips tightly together and nodded.
My vision got a little blurry as I reached down to grab the brochure I dropped. Hot, angry tears were threatening to escape now.
It’d taken a long while, but somehow, I’d developed genuine feelings for the hearing boy standing right in front of me. He was learning my language and was nothing but encouraging when it came to my dreams—he’d probably been the most excited about my acceptance letter from Cartwright.
I didn’t want to think I’d been wrong and that maybe Beau didn’t actually like the fact I was Deaf at all. Except what else was I supposed to think when I was holding all this information about cochlear implants and a doctor’s business card?
Why would Beau ever want me to change this quintessential part of myself?
“I don’t want this,” I said as calmly as I could manage. “I don’t need it.”
Beau went from looking confused to gobsmacked in a heartbeat and started to speak, but I tried to raise my voice to cover his.
“Why can’t you understand I’m happy being Deaf?”
“. . . understand, but . . . thought . . .”
“No, I really believe you weren’t thinking.”
I wanted to throw the stupid envelope with all that CI information at Beau and storm back inside. It took real effort to stay put and speak my mind, even if this was about to ruin whatever had been developing between me and Beau for months now.
“I don’t want your pity, Beau. I’m not some poor, helpless little girl who needs to be saved. So if that’s all you have for me, please just go now.”
It was impossible to tell how much time passed while I stood there by the front steps outside my house waiting for some kind of a response from Beau. He looked like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place, unsure of what to say to me.
When the moment stretched on between us with seemingly no end in sight, I gave up.
FINE, I signed, then followed up with an, ALL DONE.
I had no idea what I was all done with, but I was choosing to leave it at that.
Beau didn’t stop me when I turned on my heel and went up the front steps back into the house, leaving him and his birthday “gift” behind.
CHAPTER 34
I was kind of surprised it took Mom as long as it did to come creeping into my room when I didn’t surface after my alarm went off Sunday morning. I had my blankets pulled up high over my head and didn’t budge until Mom put her hand to my side and squeezed.
WHAT HAPPENED? she signed when I ripped the blankets back and gave her a look.
She’d turned the lights on so I got a good view of the expression on her face, which was somehow both concern and exasperation.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I finally said.
YESTERDAY, she signed in explanation. BIRTHDAY. WHAT HAPPENED?
NOTHING, I signed as I sat up and scooted up the bed until my back was against the wall.
Mom’s eyes narrowed, and she sat there waiting for a better explanation. I gave in with a huff, dropping my head into my hands so I didn’t have to look at her while I spoke.
I used my voice because I didn’t think I could muster up any other signs besides stupid or frustrated to describe what happened or how I currently felt.
“Beau’s second birthday present for me was a bunch of information about CIs and a doctor in the area I can contact about possibly getting one. Dr. Porter, as luck would have it.”
Mom’s grip on my knee tightened almost painfully.
HE KNOW YOU DON’T WANT CI? she asked me slowly.
YES, I signed back. HE KNOW, AND HE GIVE ME THAT. BEFORE I THINK B-E-A-U LIKE ME, I kept on signing, focusing on signing rather than the uncomfortable feeling sti
rring in the pit of my stomach. AND I THINK HE LIKE ME DEAF. BUT NOW . . . DON’T KNOW.
Mom signed, OH I SEE, once I was done with my story. She seemed just as lost as I did at that moment, unsure of what to think about the whole thing.
I THINK HE WANT HELP YOU, she signed eventually. I THINK SOME HEARING PEOPLE BELIEVE ALL DEAF SAD BECAUSE THEY CAN’T HEAR.
NOT TRUE, I signed, sitting upright. NOT SAD I DEAF. SAD BECAUSE B-E-A-U WANT ME . . .
“. . . to change myself,” I said, finishing my train of thought with my voice. “I’m happy being Deaf. Why is that so hard to believe?”
Mom winced as she shrugged, signing, DON’T KNOW. I BELIEVE YOU.
It usually took a herculean amount of effort on my part to be honest when it came to touchy feely stuff like this, but since I’d already told Mom everything else, I might as well come right out with the rest of it.
“Mom, I really like Beau,” I said. I wouldn’t—couldn’t—deny that anymore. “And just when I finally convince myself it doesn’t matter he’s hearing, this happens?”
“Honey, relationships . . . never easy,” Mom said with a sad little smile. “But . . . doesn’t have . . . end. Not if . . . don’t want.”
“I don’t know what I want anymore.”
I think I groaned as I scrubbed my hands over my face.
Mom gave my knee another squeeze to get me to look at her, and when I did, she signed, FINE. YOU YOUNG. HAVE TIME.
I guessed that was true, but what good was that going to do me, at least where Beau was concerned?
It didn’t help so much with the guilt thing when she signed, SORRY, next.
“No, I’m sorry,” I said, taking in a deep breath. “I guess things just got . . . weird when we moved here. I’ve been having a hard time figuring out who I am.”
I KNOW, Mom signed with a wry smile. ART TELL ME THAT.
I nodded in agreement. My self-portrait from Ms. Phillip’s art class, still hanging in the living room, was pretty much the perfect example of how I’d been seeing myself ever since we moved to Colorado. Probably I wasn’t the only high school student that felt this way, Deaf or hearing.
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