by Nana Malone
But my brain kept trying to go back to the day in that flat. Back to the moment of seeing our names on the board. All the questions, the red lines of yarn, trying to piece together… what?
There was something I was overlooking. A thread was missing, and I couldn't quite lock onto it.
It didn't matter. I had bigger fish to fry.
Drew had been off his game, and it was time I figured out why. I hadn't been surveilling him, but when we were together, he was always withdrawn, quiet. Out of it. If we were going to survive this, we needed all of us functioning on all cylinders. So if something was up with him, we needed to know. And we needed to know now.
I'd taken half the afternoon off and driven into Chiswick despite the wild traffic. I could have called my driver. Hell, I could have done anything other than driving myself, but I needed the time to think. It was bloody Thursday, and Drew worked from home on Thursdays so he would be there to take his daughter Annabelle to riding class. It was their thing, and I always admired that about him. He fulfilled his commitments.
But what if he's not sticking to the other commitments he made?
I rang the doorbell, and a member of the staff in full livery opened the door. I couldn't believe that they had their staff wear formal uniforms. My staff did, but that was because they were employees of the hotel, not a personal residence. "I'm here to see Mr. Wilcox."
"Yes, he's in the study, sir. Shall I direct you?"
"Nope, I know the way." The butler was a kid, not much older than we'd been when we joined the Elite. But he was freshly starched and ever so formal.
I went up the stairs at a jog. Annabelle wouldn't have riding class until later this afternoon, so hopefully, I'd caught Drew at a good time. I knocked on his office door and opened it before he could even say, 'Come in.'
I found him at his massive oak desk with his head thrown back, euphoria on his face. "Jesus Christ, mate, are you wanking off?"
His head snapped up and his body jerked as someone under the table groaned.
I turned around quickly and sent my eyes skyward. "Mate, your kids are in the fucking house."
"My kids know how to fucking knock before they walk in."
"Is this what's up with you?" I expected Drew to send out whatever maid, or assistant, or personal blowjob-giver he had under the table. Instead, several seconds later, it was Drew, not the person under the table, who strode toward me, leading me out of the office.
"Let's go downstairs to the terrace."
"Who's under that desk, Drew?"
He sighed as he shoved me out of the door and closed it behind us. "East, fucking leave it alone."
I held up my hands. "Jesus, sorry to embarrass your maid, or assistant, or fuck, is that the nanny? Not that I don’t want plausible deniability. That way, when Angela comes for your arse, I can deny everything if I didn’t see her. Jesus Christ, Drew."
He shoved me toward the stairs. "Shut the fuck up. Think about all the things you have been up to over the years, and I’ve said nothing."
I glanced over my shoulder at him. His face was beet red, and a muscle in his jaw was ticking. "Fine. Next time lock the fucking door."
He grunted, still shoving me until I started to trip down the stairs. "Okay, okay, I got it."
When we got downstairs, I made a right toward the living room. He followed me and gave a quick snap to his servants to bring us tea.
"Drew, you dirty dog. God, I'm not sure I'll ever erase the look on your face out of my head. It's seared right in there."
"Fuck you. What do you want? And why didn't you call first?"
His gaze was wide-eyed. Alert. Was that fear? "Mate, you do what you want. But I need to warn you, this is dangerous territory. You know who Angela’s father is."
His skin was still blotchy, and he was still sweating as he ran his hands through his hair. "I know. I just... You were right. I was… careless."
Angela Blankenship-Wilcox was the daughter of Lord Frederick Blankenship. He was one of the Senior Elite council members and carried a lot of weight. "Okay, look, I was just taking the piss. Who you shag on the side is none of my business. But we are mates. You could have told me. I would have told you to be careful, but still."
He dropped his head and scrubbed both hands over his face. "I know. It’s just… I’m not exactly fucking proud of it. Everything is fucked.” Then I watched him pull that affable Drew mask back into place. “Sorry. I’m fine. What are you doing here?"
"Believe it or not, I’m checking on you."
Drew swallowed. “Cheers, mate." He rubbed at the back of his neck. “I’m fine.”
I lifted a brow. “You sure about that? Ever since Ben was named Director Prime, you’ve clearly been off your game. Now I find out you’re getting some strange from God knows who, in the house you share with Angela where she could have easily discovered you. I’d say… You’re not fine.”
“It's just that a lot has been going on."
I sighed. "Well, I wanted to know what the fuck is up with you. I could have found out the easy way. I could have been poking where I didn't belong. But we had a deal, you lads and I. I don't go poking where I might not be wanted. In fact, there's this shit called friendship. It's where I ask you questions, and you tell me what's going on with you."
Drew ran his hands through his hair. "Nothing is going on."
I watched him warily. "Look, I checked. You were off coms for a full minute last night. You've been cagey for weeks. Testy. What is up with you? It's like you don't want to put this shit behind us."
"Trust me, I want to put all of this behind us. Some days I wish we had never even started down this path."
I studied him closely. "What does that even mean? You don't want justice for Toby?"
"Mate, of course I do. It's fucking Toby. But it's just a lot. I have my family to think about, but you lot are my family too. This is just too fucking hard right now."
"I know. There have been a lot of mistakes, but we can fix them. We will get to the bottom of this. We will keep it away from you. Are Angela and the girls okay?"
He sighed then ran a hand down his face, pinching the bridge of his nose and surreptitiously wiping at his eyes.
"Drew, what the fuck? What is going on with you?"
"Nothing. It's just been stressful, mate. You know how married life is."
I frowned at him. He was giving me some kind of bullshit lie, and I didn't know why. "What I saw upstairs, is it a fucking problem?"
He swallowed. "No, it's not.”
He was lying. I could tell by the flush in his cheeks and the way he fidgeted before shoving his hands in his pockets. “Are you fucking in love or some shit?"
He swallowed hard. “I—I don’t know what I am.”
I whistled low. “Mate? Are you fucking serious right now? How do you think this is going to go? Blankenship is going to lose his shit if you hurt Angela.”
“I know, I know. And it wasn’t supposed to get this far." He ran his hands through his hair, looking like a man on edge.
“What are you going to do?”
“Fuck if I know.”
“Mate.” I glared at him. “This should be a no-brainer.”
“It’s not that simple."
"Make it simple. You can’t do that shit in your own house." I jabbed my finger toward the stairs. “This isn’t just about you.”
“I know. You’re right. I’ll figure it out.”
“Don't you fucking get it? You’re not alone. It’s not for you to figure out on your own. Just don’t take risks, and we’ll get it sorted.”
“I’m just in over my head.”
I slumped back against the railing. “Been there. There’s an answer. And I promise you, it’s not fucking with Blankenship.”
The last thing we needed was that kind of trouble.
East
Later that night at Ben’s we were going through our Theroux options. I kept an eye on Drew, who was sucking back scotch like it was his lifeline. I pra
yed to God he held it together.
Nyla sat back and crossed her arms. "Fuck me if I ever join a secret society. It's just too much. Is it always like this? Blackmail, thieves coming after you. Why would you even want this?"
Ben shook his head. "None of us did. But we have a job to do. Take down those involved in Toby’s death or covering it up. We have to get rid of Garreth Jameson. Francis Middleton is next. After that, I couldn’t give two fucks about what happens to the Elite. But we need time, so we're going to have to deal with Theroux if he’s trying to take us out."
Bridge leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. "Still radio silence?"
Nyla and I exchanged glances, and we both shook our heads. "We still don't know what happened."
"I'm going to check in with my Interpol contacts.” Nyla said. “It's a delicate procedure since I just went back and I’m still on probation. I don't think they've picked him up, because when I last checked the website, he's still on the top ten list. I mean, they could have taken him to a black site, although they generally don't operate that way. He's not dangerous. He's just a thief. He doesn't usually kill anyone, so there would be no reason to take him to a black site unless he stole something he really wasn't supposed to. Something related to espionage. Who knows?"
Ben nodded. "Yeah, stay on that Nyla. Report back when you have something."
"Yup. Can do."
I frowned at that. The way that the team just reinserted her back into a position she never had. As if nothing had happened.
But what if nothing did happen? What if she's telling you the truth?
I didn't want to think about it. Right now, there were too many irons in the fire, and I didn't have time to focus on Nyla Kincade.
The longer I looked at her, her dark hair over her shoulder in a messy braid, the more something so deep pulled at me. She had been mine. The question was, could I let go and trust her again?
But what if she did nothing wrong? What if she was telling the truth and you were wrong? What if you're too late?
I shifted my attention back to the conversation, and Livy was talking. "’Marry a billionaire,’ they said. ‘Everything in your life will be on easy street,’ they said. So much for that. This isn’t an easy street. Is there any way we'll ever return to our normal lives again?"
I winked at her. "I thought you said once that normal was boring."
"Yeah, that was the past me. Past me didn't know that people would be coming for us all the time."
Ben put a hand on her knee. "But we're stronger together. All of us, we watch each other's backs." He turned his attention to Nyla. "That means you, too. As soon as you hear anything about Theroux, let us know. We might be able to leverage him in some way."
"All right,” I said. “It looks like we're about to be in the fight of our lives." But unfortunately, there was no way I was keeping Nyla out of it.
Chapter 16
Nyla
I could feel him watching me. I was sure he didn't think I knew he was there, but how could I not? My body was so attuned to every part of him, his look, his scent. I could feel him following me.
Leaving Olivia and Ben's place was easy. There was a tube station nearby, so I set out walking toward it. I knew I had a shadow from the moment I left the gate. He'd been talking to Bridge, and then suddenly, his voice went silent. But I just kept walking and didn’t turn around once. I was so good. All I had to do was get on the tube and make it home.
Camberwell was my beacon. If I could make it that far, I would be free. I wouldn't have to think about East. I would be well on my way to being cured of my addiction.
The problem with that sort of thinking was that I had no choice in the whole matter, no choice about what my heart wanted or what my body craved. In reality, there was no choosing not to be with him, not to let him touch me. That wasn't a choice that I had, period.
I could choose to pretend that I didn't want him, to pretend that he didn't occupy every single thought that I had. I could put on blinders and pretend that the hole in my heart wasn't there. And most of the time, that choice felt like bloody heaven. But I knew now it was only a panacea. It wasn't real.
Because all it would take was one look, the sound of that low baritone voice, an accidental brush of one of his knuckles across my arm, and I would be right back to wanting and needing and longing for him.
Being with East Hale was a thing you didn’t recover from.
I rode in silence on the tube. I hadn't seen him follow me off the train, or even up the escalator. Maybe I was crazy, and he hadn’t been following me at all. Maybe I'd made it all up.
When reached my townhouse, I started to honestly think that my wishful thinking had manifested shadows of him following me. In my relief, or perhaps my disappointment, I said aloud, “You really are losing your shit, aren't you?”
There was a low rumble that was almost a coherent sentence in the hallway behind me. “What the fuck do you think you're doing walking home alone from the tube?”
Panic seized and squeezed my heart, and I whirled around in shock. “Jesus fucking Christ, East. You scared me half to death. I knew I felt you. I couldn't explain it, but I knew you were following me.”
“Are we going to go inside?”
My gaze flickered to my door. “I'm not sure that's a good idea.”
“Nyla, we need to talk. And you know we need to talk.”
I slid my key into the lock, then opened my door. Maybe if I rushed to close it, I could close him out of my heart. No such luck. He was right behind me.
Come on in why don’t you?
I dropped my keys onto the table in the vestibule and turned to face him. “I have said everything I intend to say to you. I have no words left, East.”
“Fine. Then I have some words for you.”
I lifted a brow. “You have something to say to me? What could you possibly have to say that can be any worse than what you already said and thought about me? There’s a thing called death by a thousand cuts. You have cut me infinite times in the last two weeks. I can't take much more.”
His next words were so rushed I wasn't sure I'd heard them correctly. “Nyla, I can't do this anymore.”
“What?” I asked as he stepped further out of the shadows, letting the light illuminate his gorgeous face.
“This,” he said as he waved his fingers between the two of us, pointing back and forth. “I don't want to do this anymore. But I can't stay away from you.”
“Can't or won't?”
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay, fine. Won't.”
“That's not how this works. You think I betrayed you. You think I looked you in the eyes and lied. That's what you think. You have zero faith in me, but I'm supposed to throw caution to the wind and have all kinds of faith in you?”
He shifted on his feet. “Nyla, try to understand. What I saw in that flat… I couldn't let that go.”
“We're back to the same thing East. Instead of talking to me, trying to see what the hell had gone wrong, you assumed that I could do such a thing because that's what you think I'm capable of. What kind of person do you think that makes me?”
He ran his hands through his hair. “I don't know what the fuck to think. I wanted you so badly, and to think that I'd been wrong about you, about everything, I just couldn't take it. All I knew was I had to get away from you as fast as humanly possible. I had to cut you out. I had to perform surgery on my heart with no field dressing, just bleeding out everywhere. I had to in order to protect my team.”
“Jesus Christ, you still don't get it. You didn't have to do that; you chose to do that. I let you get closer to me than anyone else in the world. I opened my heart to you. And you trampled on it, because God help you if you had to have an actual conversation with me. No, it was easier if I fit into some mold you imagined. Unfortunately, East, it’s not easy for me to forgive that, and you lost that chance when you just deliberately set to cut me out knowing everything you know about me and
my family. You broke my heart.”
“I didn't know it then, but I was breaking my own heart too. I didn't know at the time that you were in my bones. In my blood. I thought I could protect myself. Protect the team. The only thing I was doing was fighting myself. All I really wanted to do was find you, wrap you in my arms, and shake you until I forced you to tell me what the fuck was going on.”
“Then why didn't you do that? Why was your solution to freeze me out?”
“I've never let anyone close before, Nyla. Sure. I've thought I had, but it wasn’t anything like this. I've never felt this shattered about a betrayal. You broke me.”
I couldn't help it; I shoved at his chest, but the arsehole didn't move. “I never betrayed you. From the moment I saw what Amelia had planned, what she was looking for, I've been trying to deter her by my damn self. All because you can't see past your own obtuseness to see me. To believe me.”
He stepped closer. “I see you. I've always seen you. Even when I was so busy running away from you, I couldn't fathom you doing this to me, but it still hurt. And it hurts only because I care so fucking much, and I don't want to. But you're here, and you're not leaving. And I can't fucking stay away from you. So stop asking me to.”
I threw my hands up. “I never asked you to stay away from me. That was your choice. I only asked you to stop hurting me.”
And then he did the thing that I didn't know he could. I watched him forgive me, and let go. There was nothing to forgive of course. But his mind had still been holding on to that piece of Nyla he thought could do something like that to him. He had to reconcile her with reality and the truth. And only when he did that would he be able to see where we were. It happened in front of my eyes as he watched me, as the full acceptance sunk in. The tension of mistrust rolled off of his shoulders only to be replaced by worry and shame.
“I can’t imagine how much it took for you to choose to protect my friends. Have I cocked it all up? Are you capable of forgiving me for not seeing the truth?”