by Colbie Kay
“Your Ol’ Lady’s a bitch.”
He laughs. “You’re lucky you’re my brother. Anybody else would be lying dead on my porch for saying some shit like that. You know she’s right, though. What happened to make you come here, and what’s got you ready to kill somebody?”
Sighing heavily, I glance up at the sky. “I lost control with her tonight. I was trying to help her learn how to cook like Kayla wanted, and shit got outta hand. It would have gone a lot further if Ace hadn’t come into the kitchen.”
“Ah.” He nods his head, and I get the feeling he expected this to happen. “You’re not really pissed at Kayla. You’re pissed at yourself. But we’ve all seen this coming, Storm. Shit was bound to happen eventually with you two. If you want Haven, why not just fuckin’ claim her already? And if you don’t want her, why not let her go? Why are you keeping her at the clubhouse? Let her get better and move the fuck on.”
“I want her so bad it fuckin’ hurts, Brother.”
“Sounds like you need to figure your own shit out. Go back to the clubhouse and deal with it.”
I know he’s right, but I can’t go back to the clubhouse right now. No fuckin’ way I could face her after I lost control then ran away. Lighting up a cigarette, I take a few hits and stare up at the dark night sky. Squeezing my eyes shut, I admit, “You’re right, but I don’t even know how to figure this shit out. She’s in my fuckin’ head, and it’s fuckin’ with me.” I rub my hand along my forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” I throw my cigarette on the ground and smash it with my boot.
“Sorry, Brother, I don’t know what to tell you except shit with women is never easy. You gotta figure out if she’s worth all the fuckin’ work. See ya’.” Nyx goes back into his house while I stride to my bike.
What the fuck am I going to do? Starting my Harley, I pull away from their house and just ride. I have no plans about where I’m going, but I’ll see where the road takes me.
13
Haven
My blurry gaze follows Storm running as fast as he can to get away from me, and I feel gutted. I wrap my arms around myself in an attempt to comfort myself as the first tears spill from my eyes. Embarrassment and rejection fill me up like a bucket of sand, but it’s more than that. I’m hurt, and my emotions are getting the better of me, weighing me down.
“Haven,” the sound of my sister’s voice pulls my attention away from the front door.
“He doesn’t want me, Chapel.” More tears stream down my cheeks.
“I’m sorry.” She pulls me to her, hugging me and giving me the comfort I am searching for.
“It’s not—” Ace begins but quickly stops when Chapel shushes him.
I take a step away from Chapel. “I’m going to my room. I want to be left alone.”
“No.” Chapel shakes her head. “Have dinner with us. Ace is teaching me how to cook.”
I lightly laugh. “She gave you the same homework.” I start to exit the kitchen but pause and glance over my shoulder. “I’m not hungry anymore. Enjoy your dinner, and sorry about the mess.” I race for the stairs as my throat tightens, making it almost impossible to swallow. My nose stings as more and more tears are shed. By the time I reach my room, my breathing is labored and coming out as short pants. Throwing the door open, I slam it closed and fall onto my bed. I grab a pillow to hold over my mouth while I scream and cry out everything I am feeling without drawing any attention to myself.
Slowly, I open my eyes to a dark room. I must have cried myself to sleep. Blinking a few times to clear the sleep, I notice I’m not alone. An arm is lying across my stomach. I immediately recognize the feel of that arm because we’ve held each other through our darkest times.
Rolling over, I stare at my sleeping sister. My heart aches because even though we’ve been pulled away from each other to become independent, she is still here when I need her the most.
It’s been a week since the kiss, and neither Storm nor I have spoken a word about it. In addition, I didn’t complete my homework for this week. I sit on Kayla’s couch, anxiously waiting for her to ask me about it. I’m not sure why I’m more anxious about not finishing this homework. It’s not the first time I’ve had issues with my homework, and I doubt it will be the last. I stare around the room while she sits quietly across from me. My worried gaze drifts up to her. “Why are you so quiet? Why aren’t you asking me any questions?”
Kayla smiles kindly as always and sighs. “Because I can tell something is bothering you, Haven. I wanted to see if you would willingly open up to me on your own. You didn’t, so I know we aren’t at that level of trust yet. Let’s start with, how was your week? Did you complete your homework?”
I drop my head, casting it downward. “No, I didn’t complete my homework, and I had a terrible week. I tried, I did, but I failed.”
“There is no failing here, Haven. You tried. That’s all I can ask for. What happened?”
“Storm was teaching me how to make chicken strips, and we got into a playful fight with flour. It was fun, and I was laughing. He was too, and then something happened. He kissed me.” I touch my lips, remembering how it felt to have his pressed against mine, how it felt when his tongue slid alongside mine. My core aches for more, but I know that will never happen.
“What happened after he kissed you?”
I groan. “Ace barged into the kitchen, and Storm ran away. We haven’t talked about it, and he hasn’t tried teaching me to cook since.”
“How did it make you feel when he ran away?”
“Embarrassed, humiliated, sad, angry, not good enough.”
“All of those are normal emotions to experience in that situation, but why not good enough?”
“Because I’m not stupid, Kayla.” My voice rises, as does my anger. “I know he has sex with those women at the club. All the men do. That’s what they’re there for, right? They walk around in barely any clothes if any at all. It was the same way at those parties that Chapel and I were taken to. We walked around in skimpy dresses until someone chose us or until we were showcased.”
“Showcased? Do you want to talk about the parties?”
My eyes widen when I realize I mentioned the parties. “No!” I shout harsher than intended. Softer, I tell her, “I’m sorry. I’m not ready to talk about that.” I honestly don’t think I ever will be.
“That’s fine. Let’s go back to you feeling as if you’re not good enough. I don’t think that it’s you’re not good enough, Haven. Storm is very protective of you. You’re correct in saying those women are there to have sex with the men, but they are there because they want to be and not because they are being forced. It might sound cliché, but those women mean nothing to Storm or any of the other men.”
I peek at the clock because I don’t know how to respond. “Time’s up.”
“I want you to try cooking again. If Storm can’t help you, find someone else who can.”
I feel my heart beginning to race simply because I want it to be Storm, but what if he won’t try to help me again? “What if I can’t do it?”
“Just keep trying and keep pushing yourself to succeed. This is a long process, Haven. It’s okay to take it slow as long as you don’t give up.”
I nod, feeling better after Kayla’s encouraging words. “I will try.”
I don’t know why, but when Kayla smiles, she has a way of making me feel at ease and more comfortable. “That’s all I ask.”
Chapel and I are sitting on my bed, talking about therapy and how it’s going, and I realize Chapel seems to be further along in her process than I am. I’m happy for her. I can see a difference in my sister. She seems to be glowing with excitement and wonder for what the future holds for her.
A knock on my bedroom door interrupts our conversation, and we both know it’s Rowan. Smiling, we jump off the bed, and I open the door.
“Hey, you two.” The three of us hug and move back to my bed. “What’s been going on since the last time I saw you?”
Ch
apel blurts, “Storm kissed Haven.”
“Chapel!” I shout, covering my face with my hands, completely embarrassed. My heart still flutters thinking about the kiss, but now it almost feels as if it was all my imagination, which hurts. I wish Storm would bring it up and say something since I don’t have enough courage to risk being rejected by him any more than I’ve already been.
With wide eyes and mouth hanging open, Rowan questions, “Oh my god! So, what’s happening with you two?”
Dropping my hands to my lap, I look at her. “Nothing. He ran away when Ace barged into the kitchen, and neither of us has said a word about it since. Actually, he’s pretty much been avoiding me unless it’s to bring me food, but even then, he knocks and leaves it at the door. The only time I’ve been in contact with him is to go see Kayla; however, he doesn’t talk to me when we go.”
“Ugh.” Rowan lays back on the bed. “Why are these guys so freaking difficult? I remember when I first came back, and Bam tried to push me away. He thought I needed more time to adjust, that I should be with my family, but all I wanted was him.”
I can feel my heart deflate with what I’m about to admit, “There will never be anything between Storm and me. If he wanted anything to happen, he wouldn’t have run away and left me feeling so embarrassed and rejected.”
Rowan tilts her head. “Never say never, Haven. How is it going with Kayla?”
Chapel pipes in, “It’s going great.”
“For her.” I roll my eyes. “I couldn’t even complete my homework last week because of Storm.”
Rowan frowns. “Why? What was your homework?”
I groan, “To learn how to cook. The kiss was in the kitchen the first night he was going to teach me. Since then, nothing. Now, with the way things are between us, it would be too awkward asking him to help me again. I don’t know anyone else here or feel comfortable enough to ask anyone else to help me.”
Rowan quickly leaps from the bed. “Cooking? Easy!” She waves her hand in the air. “I got you covered. We can go downstairs right now, and I’ll teach you how to make a pizza.”
Biting my lip nervously, I explain, “I can’t go down there with everyone.”
Her hands rest on her hips. “I’m Bam Bam’s Ol’ Lady. No one will come near us. Once we hit the stairs, we make a run for the kitchen. None of the guys will be in there. If any of the women are there, I’ll tell them to get out.”
My gaze meets hers. “I wish I could be as brave as you are, but what if I can’t do it? What if I start to panic and need to leave?”
Rowan holds her hand out for me to take. “Then we leave, and you try again until you accomplish it.”
“That’s what Kayla said.” I take a deep breath. “Okay.”
She holds her other hand out to Chapel and pulls us up from the bed. “Now, let’s go make a pizza.”
“Oh my god!” I’m laughing and breathing heavily as we bust through the kitchen.
“Did you see all of them staring at us?” Chapel’s laughter matches mine.
“Wasn’t that easy?” Rowan holds her stomach while the three of us try to calm our giggling fit.
We’re gathering ingredients for our pizza when we hear people talking outside through the open kitchen window. Rowan holds her finger over her mouth, telling us to remain silent. “That’s Bam and Demon,” she whispers.
“I feel guilty.”
Rowan’s eyes grow to the size of saucers. She asks quietly, “What does Bam feel guilty about?”
Chapel and I glance at each other, both shrugging our shoulders. It’s not like we would know. We remain silent as we continue to listen to the conversation outside.
“Why? We did what we had to do. He was never going to stop unless we stopped him, and that’s what we did.”
“But he was her brother. Whenever she comes home from her parents' house, it’s all she talks about because they won’t let it go. Their son was murdered, and they want answers.”
All three of our mouths gape open, and our eyes about pop out of our heads. We probably look completely crazy, leaning over the counter to hear better.
“What the fuck you wanna do, Brother? You gonna tell your Ol’ Lady and her parents that your club is the reason he’s dead? You really want to tell them I gutted that motherfucker? Would you really want to risk all of us? Risk this whole fuckin’ club because you feel guilty? You were asked before shit went down, and you said you were fine with it.”
I slap my hand over my mouth. Oh my god! They killed Rowan’s brother! Why would they do that? Does Storm kill people? What kind of man did Rowan marry? I knew the club was dangerous, but killing people? They’ve taken care of us and have been so nice to Chapel and me. How can they be like that and have this dark side too? My mind is racing a million miles a minute with a thousand questions and thoughts.
“You’re right. Fuck, man, the shit just gets to me sometimes.”
“Just keep your shit together and your mouth closed.”
I’ve never seen Rowan move so fast when she jumps onto the kitchen counter. “You lying piece of shit! How could you?” she screams at the top of her lungs.
“Fuck!” both men yell.
“What just happened?” Chapel asks with as much shock in her tone as I’m feeling. Chapel has one hand covering her mouth while the other is clutching the hair on the side of her head. She begins pacing. I’m stuck frozen in place, and I have no idea what to do.
Rowan slides off the kitchen counter. “They killed my brother!” She’s panting and bends over, holding onto her knees as she begins to hyperventilate.
The kitchen door bursts open. “Rowan.” Bam Bam’s voice is quiet and tender. He reaches for Rowan, but she stumbles away from him. “Rowan, let me explain.”
She stands up straight but holds onto the kitchen counter so tightly, her knuckles are turning white. “Explain what exactly? Explain that you’ve been lying to me all this time. Jesus Christ! You sit there and let me go on and on about him, and you say nothing.” She steps closer to her husband. With so much disdain in her tone, she seethes, “Not one goddamn word.”
“Let’s go home, and we can talk about it. I will explain everything, I promise.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you.” She shakes her head and angrily wipes away the tears cascading down her cheeks. He reaches for her hand. “Don’t fucking touch me,” she snarls at her husband.
Bam Bam falls to his knees at her feet. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to keep it from you, but I had no choice,” he tries pleading for her understanding.
“Oh, you had a choice, and you chose the club over me. Haven, Chapel?”
“Yes?” both of us respond, unsure of what to say or do.
Rowan’s voice trembles as she speaks and angrily wipes away tears from her cheeks, “Can I stay with one of you for the night?”
“Yes,” we say in unison. I don’t want to interfere, and I’m sure Chapel doesn’t either, but Rowan is like our sister. We will do anything for her.
“You’re not staying here,” Bam Bam declares, trying to take charge.
Rowan leans over and hisses in her husband’s face, “You are not going to tell me what I can and cannot do.”
Bam Bam’s glassy eyes stare into hers. “Please, I am begging you to listen and let me explain. I will do anything for you. I’m so fucking sorry. Please don’t stay here. Come home with me. I can’t be without you, Ro. I can’t fuckin’ live without you.” He grovels on his knees in front of her. I almost feel sorry for him because of how cold Rowan is acting toward him, but he was wrong for what he did. She has every right to be angry. Maybe she should be allowed to have time to think before she listens to him.
“I am staying here, and I suggest that you leave me the hell alone until I decide I want to speak to you.” He tries to tenderly grab her hand once more, but she steps back, out of his reach. “Just once, you could have put me before this damn club.” She holds her pointer finger up. “Just one fucking time, Bam. You could h
ave trusted me and told me the truth, and I may have kept your secret. At least, I would have known what happened to my brother. I could have told my parents something to ease their minds and hearts, but you didn’t even give me a chance. You have put this club before me throughout our entire relationship and marriage, and I’m done.” She leaves him on the floor and hurries out of the kitchen.
“Rowan!” he screams after her, even though she’s already gone. He yells her name over and over while Chapel and I are stuck, unable to move. I’m not sure what to do. Bam Bam is on the floor crying and screaming for Rowan, I’m in shock, and I would guess Chapel is feeling the same way I am.
His tear-filled gaze drags between Chapel and me. “Please talk to her. Tell her to come home.”
I shake my head. “We can’t do that.” I leave the kitchen with Chapel following. We search for Rowan until we find her crying in Chapel’s room. “Rowan?”
“I don’t want to talk. Chapel, can you stay with Haven tonight? I really need to be alone,” Rowan whimpers, her sadness palpable.
Without responding, we leave the room and head for mine. “I can’t believe what happened.” Chapel sighs heavily.
“Me either.” I open my door and ask, “What do you think is going to happen with them?”
“I don’t know. Would you be able to forgive Storm if he did something like that?”
We crawl onto my bed, and I stare up at the ceiling. “I don’t know. Would you forgive Ace?”
“I don’t know.”
“I guess all we can do is wait until she’s ready to talk about it.”
Chapel kisses my cheek. “Goodnight, Haven.”
I kiss hers back. “Goodnight, Chapel.”
14
Storm
It’s been a few days since the fight between Rowan and Bam Bam in the kitchen, so we’re sitting in Church to discuss where to go from here and what progress has been made with Nicky Deeds.