by L. M. Reed
Chapter 30
Dear Diary,
Why didn’t I think of Michael before?
CeeCee
Every weekend during the months of April and May, except for one, Mom packed her suitcase and headed to Austin; sometimes leaving on Friday evening and sometimes waiting until early Saturday morning. Daniel called me on most Saturday mornings, but didn’t show up unexpectedly again. I was almost sorry, knowing that if he had, Nick would have been right behind him.
Daniel spent a lot of time trying to convince me to accompany my mother on some of her Austin trips, but I wouldn’t budge.
Nick must have kept the weekend adventure to himself because neither Mom nor Mark ever mentioned anything about it. Daniel’s parents, however, according to Daniel, let their displeasure be felt by threatening to cut off his allowance if he pulled a stunt like that again.
Until Daniel graduated in May and was able to get a job teaching Ag in the fall, he was still under his parents thumb more or less because they were paying his way through college, his pickup was in their name, and he was too lazy to get a job. He moaned about that a lot. I couldn’t believe he and Mark were the same age.
Felicia refused to make any more dates on the weekends while I was staying with her. I tried to convince her that I wasn’t going to do anything stupid, that I had truly learned my lesson, but she wouldn’t listen to me. The only exception she planned to make was for prom, and since that was the weekend Mom would be at home chaperoning again, it didn’t matter. Felicia had a whole list of possible escorts to choose from but, by the first of May, she still hadn’t come to a decision.
I spent a lot of time consciously making an effort to eat and drink enough. Rediscovering running made all the difference to my attitude toward life in general. I realized just how much I had to lose by not taking care of my body’s requirements, and I was determined to do a better job of it. Plus, I knew I would have to answer to Nick if I slipped up. Since the Daniel disaster, he called me every evening to check up on me as soon as I hung up with Mark.
His conversation basically consisted of him asking me how much running I was doing, how much I was eating and drinking, and whether I was sleeping enough.
I didn’t even try to argue with him, just gave him the information like a dutiful child. Once he was satisfied with my answers, he would say in his normal, shiver-inducing voice “Sleep well, CeeCee” and hang up.
I sorely missed our former, more relaxed and intimate phone calls, but I had blown our previous relationship by violating any trust he had in me. I supposed something was better than nothing.
Although I managed to avoid Michael’s inquisition through April—I was still on half days until the end of that month—he managed to catch me alone as I came into the cafeteria my first full day back. He wasn’t about to be put off again. I explained to him, although not in any great detail, about Mark’s defection and he sympathized, but was upset with me for keeping it to myself.
“We are still friends,” he reminded me reproachfully.
“I know,” I said apologetically. “I’m sorry.”
“So how are things coming with Nick?”
“What do you mean?” I asked in surprise.
“I mean it was pretty obvious back in October that you two were…involved,” he hesitated on the last word.
“No, we’re not,” I disagreed, wondering if everyone knew how I felt about Nick because of the dance.
“I know he’s the one you’re in love with,” Michael said confidently. “Is he still in the dark? Haven’t you told him yet?”
“No and I don’t plan on telling him,” I replied irritably, “Because he’s in love with someone else.”
“Are you sure?” Michael asked in disbelief, “Because from where I was sitting it looked…”
“I overheard a conversation between them,” I interrupted him before he could finish, “between him and the one he’s in love with,” I added in clarification.
“Wow, bummer,” Michael shook his head in sympathy. “Well, since he’s out of the picture how about you go to prom with me.”
“Sorry,” I said abruptly, “I’m not going anywhere with anyone. It just wouldn’t be right.”
“We could go as friends,” Michael suggested.
“I appreciate the offer, but I think I’ll pass,” I said firmly, adding, “There are tons of girls out there just waiting for you to look their way, I wouldn’t want you to disappoint them.”
“Yeah, right,” he mocked, “they’re just lining up at the door.”
“Pick the prettiest girl you can think of, and then ask her to the prom.”
“I just did and she turned me down,” he said sourly.
I laughed, I couldn’t help it, and after a moment he joined in.
“Okay, the second prettiest girl then,” I amended shaking my head at him.
“That would be Felicia, but I’m sure she’s already taken,” he said morosely.
“Actually, just in case you’re interested, she hasn’t accepted anyone’s invitation yet,” I said slyly.
Why hadn’t I thought of it before? I wondered incredulously. They would be perfect together.
He shrugged and said, “I could give it a try, but I doubt she would be interested in someone as boring as I am.”
“We’re not boring,” I objected, “Just because we aren’t as outgoing as Allen and Felicia it doesn’t mean we’re boring.”
“So you would put us together in the same category?” he asked thoughtfully. “Interesting, I hadn’t thought of it that way.”
“Still waters run deep you know,” he had no more self-confidence than I did. “Now if you don’t mind, I’m not allowed to skip lunch,” I teased him.
“Sorry,” he said absently and let me to lead him to our table.
Felicia was in the middle of a dramatic story, but managed to give me a questioning look while not even breaking her stride. I just smiled and shook my head; she would find out soon enough, hopefully.
I knew Nick wouldn’t be happy with me, but I only had time to get bottled water and a package of peanut butter crackers out of the vending machines before the bell rang and everyone started breaking up to get to class. Since I had a free period later, I put more money in and pushed the button for some peanut butter cookies, too, promising myself I would eat a healthy snack as soon as I got home.
I noticed with some satisfaction that Felicia and Michael were walking out of the cafeteria together. Life was good.
Felicia shot me strange looks all through Economics. I wondered if Michael had found the courage to ask her. I hoped so. I scarcely paid any attention to what the teacher was saying, I was so anxious to get to our free period so I could ask her what was going on. As soon as the bell rang, she grabbed my arm and hauled me over to our lockers.
“What’s wrong?” I asked worriedly.
“You tell me and we’ll both know,” she answered cryptically.
“I’m afraid I haven’t got a clue, all I know is that you’re upset with me for some reason.”
“Why did you tell Michael to ask me to the prom?”
“I’m sorry,” I said taken aback, “I had no idea you would be angry with me. I just thought you two would be good together.”
“So do I but I wanted it to be his idea,” she huffed.
“Wait a minute,” I said a smile involuntarily curving my lips, “You like Michael!”
“Well I’ve been hinting to him for weeks but he is so like you…oblivious,” she finished in frustration. “Then for him to finally ask me and say it was your idea like I was some charity case…I was furious,” she admitted ruefully.
“Did you let loose at him?” I asked in horror.
He would never forgive me.
“I’m afraid so,” she said sheepishly, “I told him I wasn’t interested in being asked by someone who didn’t want to go with me, just to make you happy.”
I
groaned.
“I’m sorry I didn’t warn you first, the idea just popped into my head and it sounded so good at the time…” I couldn’t continue, visions of Michael bearing down on me in revenge filled my head. “He admitted to me that he had thought of asking you, but figured you already had a date.”
“So he does want to take me?”
“Yes he does,” I said firmly, “or did. He just needed a little boost of confidence which I gave him…”
“And I demolished,” Felicia finished for me.
“So are you going to say yes to him?”
“If he’ll even listen to me after my vicious attack.”
“I’ll make sure he does.”
“Oh no,” she quickly nipped that idea in the bud, “You stay out of this, you’ve already done enough.”
“True,” I agreed, “this is me, butting out.”
We were late getting to our free period, but as much as I had missed, the teacher just nodded at us and went on reading her book.
In between sneaking bites of my vending machine food, Felicia and I worked like fiends to get our homework done so she would be free to talk to Michael after school. I told her I would walk home from school, but she had to call or come by after she and Michael talked because I would be dying to know what happened. She agreed and we split up to get to our last class of the day.
Once I got home, needing a good snack, I settled down in front of the TV with an apple and a glass of milk. Even though we lived in an apartment complex with cable furnished I very seldom watched it, but I was too restless wondering how the Felicia/Michael thing was going to settle down and concentrate on anything else. I needed mindless entertainment.
I must have fallen asleep on the couch because the next thing I knew Mom was home and Felicia was right behind her.
Dragging her into my bedroom and shutting the door I demanded, “Spill it!”
“I have a date for the prom,” she replied primly.
We burst out laughing, Felicia in excitement, me in relief.
“You’re sure you don’t mind,” Felicia asked suddenly after our laughter died down.
“Mind…? I am through the roof ecstatic,” I said blissfully. “Two of my favorite people…wait a minute,” I narrowed my eyes at her as an extremely unpleasant thought crossed my mind. “You aren’t going to dump him after the prom, are you, like you’ve done everyone else?”
“Not a chance,” Felicia replied dreamily, “I think we may last a while. He kissed me, and it was like…Wow!”
“He already kissed you,” I screeched, “No way!”
“It was the sweetest kiss I’ve ever had,” she admitted. “Just barely there, a featherlike touch, but it was magic.”
I almost choked trying to hold back my gasp of surprise. Thankfully, Felicia didn’t notice anything still lost in the memory of the kiss, the kiss I had learned from Nick and used on Michael as an experiment. I wanted to laugh out loud, but Felicia could never know where Michael had learned that kiss, it would ruin it for her.
Deep down I was extremely glad that I could help Michael snag Felicia, even if it didn’t last long. On the other hand, maybe they would be telling their grandchildren the story some day. Stranger things had been known to happen.
As the prom drew closer, Felicia stopped trying to convince me to go, for which I was eternally grateful, but I did agree to go shopping with her to pick out her prom dress and matching accessories and I had to admit, she and Mom were two of a kind when it came to fashion sense. She was going to be absolutely stunning.
Michael was a very lucky guy and he knew it; a few days before the prom he stopped me in the hall and gave me a huge hug.
“What was that for?”
“That’s for helping me find the courage to ask the love of my life to the prom.”
“I am so thrilled for both of you,” I responded, tears pooling in my eyes remembering how I had unintentionally hurt him.
“I just wish there was something I could do to help you.”
“I’m absolutely fine,” I assured him. “The best thing you can do for me is have a blast at the prom.”
He gave me another hug and hurried off to class. I watched him go in wonder. The ache I always felt in my heart whenever I thought of Nick muted just a bit as the glow of warmth from the love I felt for two of my best friends radiated in my chest.
There was something to the whole selfless thing. I was happier than I had been in a long time. I hoped when the time came to be self-sacrificing about Nick I would be able to rise to the challenge. I planned to continue working on it.
Mark and Nick both had their graduation exercises the second weekend in May as well as an after graduation party for both of them at the Barrett’s house, but I had begged off going pleading tiredness, and Mom had once again gone without me. None of them could argue with that although they did both give me grief over it.
Nick was particularly displeased saying he had been expecting me to be there. I was doing so well I didn’t want to risk it and I knew that seeing Nick would just make everything that much more difficult. Our phone calls were almost impersonal so I managed to handle them, but a face-to-face meeting was entirely different.
Mark already had an entry-level job lined up at an architectural firm starting the first of June and Mom was going to help pay for him to go to graduate school part time beginning in the fall. She wanted him to go to school full-time, but Mark convinced her that he wanted to get a job and get his feet wet, as he called it, so she gave in.
Nick had his degree and immediately joined his father’s practice, which had been the idea all along. His dad was relieved to have help. His practice had grown steadily over the past ten years because of his excellent reputation and he hadn’t had a true vacation in ages. Nick told me that his dad was hoping to take his mom on an Alaskan cruise as soon as Nick felt confident he could handle things alone for a short time.
Mr. Barrett could have brought in another vet at any time, but Nick had always known what he was going to do with his life and his dad had preferred to wait for him to join the practice rather than bring in an outsider. I was glad it was all working out for them.
The weekend of the prom Mom tried to convince me one last time to go with her but I was adamant. I had refused to allow her to mention the prom to Mark or Nick and she had unwillingly complied. Although she was doubtful, I finally managed to convince her that I was too worn out and didn’t need that kind of stress. I laughed humorlessly at the thought of my mom going to my prom while I stayed at home…oh the irony.
I used the night of the prom to study for the upcoming finals. My grades had slipped during the months of January, February, and March and I needed to do well on my finals in order to bring up those two six-weeks worth of grades. I hoped it was enough to get me into one of the Colorado or California colleges if an opening became available.
I hadn’t said anything to Felicia about not attending UT because then I would have had to explain the whole Nick/Mom thing and I still couldn’t talk about that besides the fact that with her current relationship going so well it was possible that she might decide to go to Texas Tech with Michael. I knew I shouldn’t try to influence her plans anymore than I already had. I constantly practiced selflessness, although some situations were admittedly harder than others.
Felicia and Michael were inseparable after the prom. She was breaking all of her self-imposed rules, spending most of her time with him, and I was a little sad because I missed her, but happy for them both at the same time.
We all three got together a couple of times to study for finals, but it was too weird for me, watching them make goo-goo eyes at each other. I was glad for them, but I didn’t like being a captive audience to their attraction.
I mentioned in passing when Felicia and I were alone that I would understand if she wanted to apply to Tech, but she seemed strangely reluctant to take me up on it. I shrugged it off and let
it go. At least she knew how I felt; it was her decision.
With graduation only a couple days away, I began having depression problems again. I knew what was coming and I dreaded it. I didn’t know how soon they would tell me about their relationship, but it could be anytime after graduation.
Up until then, I had been able to fool myself into believing that maybe Mom and/or Nick would change their minds, or something earth shattering would happen to convince them that it would never work, but Mom continued her Austin visits religiously.
I felt hopelessness threatening to engulf me again. I forced myself to eat and drink knowing it was especially important since I was back to running my regular five miles every morning. I wasn’t sure I would ever get back to running twice a day, but I needed my morning run, it was my favorite.
The day of graduation, I was so nervous I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I was as edgy as a cat on the prowl, unable to sit down or keep my focus for long. Mark and Nick were driving in from Austin right before the graduation and I was in major stress mode realizing that the time had arrived; Nick would shortly be telling the world and me in particular about the love of his life.
I found myself moaning out loud every time I thought about it, which was most of the time. Mom kept shooting me funny looks so I asked her if she would mind if I went over to Felicia’s house to get ready for graduation. She agreed with relief. I could tell I was making her nuts.
I called Felicia and she was over within twenty minutes to pick me up. We carefully made sure I had everything I needed and she convinced me, against my better judgment, to wear my Homecoming Dance dress and shoes for graduation under my gown; since I didn’t own any other nice dress there wasn’t much choice.
As we drove back to her house, I was full of mixed emotions about wearing it. On the one hand, it had been the best night of my life, on the other it mocked me with the knowledge that Nick was in love with my mother.
Felicia was able to take my mind off everything while we did each other’s hair, nails, and makeup. Technically, Felicia did almost everything for both of us since I had two left hands when it came to that type of stuff, but she didn’t mind; she was an expert.
We had to be at the auditorium an hour before the ceremony in order to find our correct positions according to alphabetical order so Felicia and I made sure we left the house in plenty of time. I wasn’t the only nervous graduate, but I was positive that everyone else’s reasons were far different from my own.
People were hugging, kissing, laughing, and crying; the excitement was palpable.
There were so many of us that it took practically the whole hour for us to be put in order, and even then some of the graduates had to be herded back to their places when they were caught wandering over to talk to someone in a different part of the alphabet. The whole procedure would have been comical any other time, seeing the teachers looking so harried and harassed, but I was finding it difficult not to burst into tears desperately wanting the night to end.
The principal was frantically trying to get everyone’s attention without much success so one of the football coaches put his fingers in his mouth and let out a piercing whistle indicating that it was time.
Closing my eyes, I practiced some deep breathing while I waited for my turn to enter the auditorium.
You can do this, I told myself as I took one final deep breath and followed the long line of graduates down the aisle.