His mouth dry with nervousness, Quail followed the two technicians from the office; what happened next depended on them.
Will I actually believe I've been on Mars? he wondered. That I managed to fulfill my lifetime ambition? He had a strange, lingering intuition that something would go wrong. But just what—he did not know.
He would have to wait and find out.
The intercom on McClane's desk, which connected him with the work area of the firm, buzzed and a voice said, “Mr. Quail is under sedation now, sir. Do you want to supervise this one, or shall we go ahead?”
“It's routine,” McClane observed. “You may go ahead, Lowe; I don't think you'll run into any trouble.” Programming an artificial memory of a trip to another planet—with or without the added fillip of being a secret agent—showed up on the firm's work schedule with monotonous regularity. In one month, he calculated wryly, we must do twenty of these … ersatz interplanetary travel has become our bread and butter.
“Whatever you say, Mr. McClane,” Lowe's voice came, and thereupon the intercom shut off.
Going to the vault section in the chamber behind his office, McClane searched about for a Three packet—trip to Mars—and a Sixty-two packet: secret Interplan spy. Finding the two packets, he returned with them to his desk, seated himself comfortably, poured out the contents—merchandise which would be planted in Quail's conapt while the lab technicians busied themselves installing false memory.
A one-poscred sneaky-pete side arm, McClane reflected; that's the largest item. Sets us back financially the most. Then a pellet-sized transmitter, which could be swallowed if the agent were caught. Code book that astonishingly resembled the real thing … the firm's models were highly accurate: based, whenever possible, on actual U.S. military issue. Odd bits which made no intrinsic sense but which would be woven into the warp and woof of Quail's imaginary trip, would coincide with his memory: half an ancient silver fifty-cent piece, several quotations from John Donne's sermons written incorrectly, each on a separate piece of transparent tissue-thin paper, several match folders from bars on Mars, a stainless steel spoon engraved PROPERTY OF DOME-MARS NATIONAL KIBBUZIM, a wiretapping coil which—
The intercom buzzed. “Mr. McClane, I'm sorry to bother you but something rather ominous has come up. Maybe it would be better if you were in here after all. Quail is already under sedation; he reacted well to the narkidrine; he's completely unconscious and receptive. But—”
“I'll be in.” Sensing trouble, McClane left his office; a moment later he emerged in the work area.
On a hygienic bed lay Douglas Quail, breathing slowly and regularly, his eyes virtually shut; he seemed dimly—but only dimly—aware of the two technicians and now McClane himself.
“There's no space to insert false memory-patterns?” McClane felt irritation. “Merely drop out two work weeks; he's employed as a clerk at the West Coast Emigration Bureau, which is a government agency, so he undoubtedly has or had two weeks' vacation within the last year. That ought to do it.” Petty details annoyed him. And always would.
“Our problem,” Lowe said sharply, “is something quite different.” He bent over the bed, said to Quail, “Tell Mr. McClane what you told us.” To McClane he said, “Listen closely.”
The gray-green eyes of the man lying supine in the bed focussed on McClane's face. The eyes, he observed uneasily, had become hard; they had a polished, inorganic quality, like semi-precious tumbled stones. He was not sure that he liked what he saw; the brilliance was too cold. “What do you want now?” Quail said harshly. “You've broken my cover. Get out of here before I take you all apart.” He studied McClane. “Especially you,” he continued. “You're in charge of this counter-operation.”
Lowe said, “How long were you on Mars?” “One month,” Quail said gratingly.
“And your purpose there?” Lowe demanded.
The meager lips twisted; Quail eyed him and did not speak. At last, drawling the words out so that they dripped with hostility, he said, “Agent for Interplan. As I already told you. Don't you record everything that's said? Play your vid-aud tape back for your boss and leave me alone.” He shut his eyes, then; the hard brilliance ceased. McClane felt, instantly, a rushing splurge of relief.
Lowe said quietly, “This is a tough man, Mr. McClane.”
“He won't be,” McClane said, “after we arrange for him to lose his memory-chain again. He'll be as meek as before.” To Quail he said, “So this is why you wanted to go to Mars so terribly bad.”
Without opening his eyes Quail said, “I never wanted to go to Mars. I was assigned it—they handed it to me and there I was: stuck. Oh yeah, I admit I was curious about it; who wouldn't be?” Again he opened his eyes and surveyed the three of them, McClane in particular. “Quite a truth drug you've got here; it brought up things I had absolutely no memory of.” He pondered. “I wonder about Kirsten,” he said, half to himself. “Could she be in on it? An Interplan contact keeping an eye on me … to be certain I didn't regain my memory? No wonder she's been so derisive about my wanting to go there.” Faintly, he smiled; the smile—one of understanding—disappeared almost at once.
McClane said, “Please believe me, Mr. Quail; we stumbled onto this entirely by accident. In the work we do—”
“I believe you,” Quail said. He seemed tired, now; the drug was continuing to pull him under, deeper and deeper. “Where did I say I'd been?” he murmured. “Mars? Hard to remember—I know I'd like to see it; so would everybody else. But me—” His voice trailed off. “Just a clerk, a nothing clerk.”
Straightening up, Lowe said to his superior, “He wants a false memory implanted that corresponds to a trip he actually took. And a false reason which is the real reason. He's telling the truth; he's a long way down in the narkidrine. The trip is very vivid in his mind—at least under sedation. But apparently he doesn't recall it otherwise. Someone, probably at a government military-sciences lab, erased his conscious memories; all he knew was that going to Mars meant something special to him, and so did being a secret agent. They couldn't erase that; it's not a memory but a desire, undoubtedly the same one that motivated him to volunteer for the assignment in the first place.”
The other technician, Keeler, said to McClane,“What do we do? Graft a false memory-pattern over the real memory? There's no telling what the results would be; he might remember some of the genuine trip, and the confusion might bring on a psychotic interlude. He'd have to hold two opposite premises in his mind simultaneously: that he went to Mars and that he didn't. That he's a genuine agent for Interplan and he's not, that it's spurious. I think we ought to revive him without any false memory implantation and send him out of here; this is hot.”
“Agreed,” McClane said. A thought came to him. “Can you predict what he'll remember when he comes out of sedation?”
“Impossible to tell,” Lowe said. “He probably will have some dim, diffuse memory of his actual trip, now. And he'd probably be in grave doubt as to its validity; he'd probably decide our programming slipped a gear-tooth. And he'd remember coming here; that wouldn't be erased—unless you want it erased.”
“The less we mess with this man,” McClane said, “the better I like it. This is nothing for us to fool around with; we've been foolish enough to— or unlucky enough to—uncover a genuine Interplan spy who has a cover so perfect that up to now even he didn't know what he was—or rather is.” The sooner they washed their hands of the man calling himself Douglas Quail the better.
“Are you going to plant packets Three and Sixty-two in his conapt?” Lowe said.
“No,” McClane said. “And we're going to return half his fee.”
“‘Half'! Why half?”
McClane said lamely, “It seems to be a good compromise.”
As the cab carried him back to his conapt at the residential end of Chicago, Douglas Quail said to himself, It's sure good to be back on Terra.
Already the month-long period on Mars had begun to waver in his memory; he h
ad only an image of profound gaping craters, an ever-present ancient erosion of hills, of vitality, of motion itself. A world of dust where little happened, where a good part of the day was spent checking and rechecking one's portable oxygen source. And then the life-forms, the unassuming and modest gray-brown cacti and maw-worms.
As a matter of fact he had brought back several moribund examples of Martian fauna; he had smuggled them through customs. After all, they posed no menace; they couldn't survive in Earth's heavy atmosphere.
Reaching into his coat pocket, he rummaged for the container of Martian maw-worms—
And found an envelope instead.
Lifting it out, he discovered, to his perplexity, that it contained five hundred and seventy poscreds, in cred bills of low denomination.
Where'd I get this? he asked himself. Didn't I spend every 'cred I had on my trip?
With the money came a slip of paper marked: One-half fee ret'd. By McClane. And then the date. Today's date.
“Recall,” he said aloud.
“Recall what, sir or madam?” the robot driver of the cab inquired respectfully.
“Do you have a phone book?” Quail demanded.
“Certainly, sir or madam.” A slot opened; from it slid a microtape phone book for Cook County.
“It's spelled oddly,” Quail said as he leafed through the pages of the yellow section. He felt fear, then; abiding fear. “Here it is,” he said. “Take me there, to Rekal, Incorporated. I've changed my mind; I don't want to go home.”
“Yes, sir or madam, as the case may be,” the driver said. A moment later the cab was zipping back in the opposite direction.
“May I make use of your phone?” he asked.
“Be my guest,” the robot driver said. And presented a shiny new emperor 3-D color phone to him.
He dialed his own conapt. And after a pause found himself confronted by a miniature but chillingly realistic image of Kirsten on the small screen. “I've been to Mars,” he said to her.
“You're drunk.” Her lips writhed scornfully. “Or worse.”
“‘s God's truth.”
“When?” she demanded.
“I don't know.” He felt confused.“A simulated trip, I think. By means of one of those artificial or extra-factual or whatever it is memory places. It didn't take.”
Kirsten said witheringly, “You are drunk.” And broke the connection at her end. He hung up, then, feeling his face flush. Always the same tone, he said hotly to himself. Always the retort, as if she knows everything and I know nothing. What a marriage. Keerist, he thought dismally.
A moment later the cab stopped at the curb before a modern, very attractive little pink building, over which a shifting polychromatic neon sign read: REKAL, INCORPORATED.
The receptionist, chic and bare from the waist up, started in surprise, then gained masterful control of herself. “Oh, hello, Mr. Quail,” she said nervously. “H-how are you? Did you forget something?”
“The rest of my fee back,” he said.
More composed now, the receptionist said, “Fee? I think you are mistaken, Mr. Quail. You were here discussing the feasibility of an extra-factual trip for you, but—” She shrugged her smooth pale shoulders. “As I understand it, no trip was taken.”
Quail said, “I remember everything, miss. My letter to Rekal, Incorporated, which started this whole business off. I remember my arrival here, my visit with Mr. McClane. Then the two lab technicians taking me in tow and administering a drug to put me out.” No wonder the firm had returned half his fee. The false memory of his “trip to Mars” hadn't taken—at least not entirely, not as he had been assured.
“Mr. Quail,” the girl said, “although you are a minor clerk you are a good-looking man and it spoils your features to become angry. If it would make you feel any better, I might, ahem, let you take me out …”
He felt furious, then. “I remember you,” he said savagely. “For instance the fact that your breasts are sprayed blue; that stuck in my mind. And I remember Mr. McClane's promise that if I remembered my visit to Rekal, Incorporated I'd receive my money back in full. Where is Mr. McClane?”
After a delay—probably as long as they could manage—he found himself once more seated facing the imposing walnut desk, exactly as he had been an hour or so earlier in the day.
“Some technique you have,” Quail said sardonically. His disappoint-ment—and resentment—was enormous, by now. “My so-called ‘memory' of a trip to Mars as an undercover agent for Interplan is hazy and vague and shot full of contradictions. And I clearly remember my dealings here with you people. I ought to take this to the Better Business Bureau.” He was burning angry, at this point; his sense of being cheated had overwhelmed him, had destroyed his customary aversion to participating in a public squabble.
Looking morose, as well as cautious, McClane said, “We capitulate, Quail. We'll refund the balance of your fee. I fully concede the fact that we did absolutely nothing for you.” His tone was resigned.
Quail said accusingly, “You didn't even provide me with the various artifacts that you claimed would ‘prove' to me I had been on Mars. All that song-and-dance you went into—it hasn't materialized into a damn thing. Not even a ticket stub. Nor postcards. Nor passport. Nor proof of immunization shots. Nor—”
“Listen, Quail,” McClane said.“Suppose I told you—” He broke off.“Let it go.” He pressed a button on his intercom. “Shirley, will you disburse five hundred and seventy more 'creds in the form of a cashier's check made out to Douglas Quail? Thank you.” He released the button, then glared at Quail.
Presently the check appeared; the receptionist placed it before McClane and once more vanished out of sight, leaving the two men alone, still facing each other across the surface of the massive walnut desk.
“Let me give you a word of advice,” McClane said as he signed the check and passed it over. “Don't discuss your, ahem, recent trip to Mars with anyone.”
“What trip?”
“Well, that's the thing.” Doggedly, McClane said, “The trip you partially remember. Act as if you don't remember; pretend it never took place. Don't ask me why; just take my advice: it'll be better for all of us.” He had begun to perspire. Freely. “Now, Mr. Quail, I have other business, other clients to see.” He rose, showed Quail to the door.
Quail said, as he opened the door,“A firm that turns out such bad work shouldn't have any clients at all.” He shut the door behind him.
On the way home in the cab Quail pondered the wording of his letter of complaint to the Better Business Bureau, Terra Division. As soon as he could get to his typewriter he'd get started; it was clearly his duty to warn other people away from Rekal, Incorporated.
When he got back to his conapt he seated himself before his Hermes Rocket portable, opened the drawers, and rummaged for carbon paper— and noticed a small, familiar box. A box which he had carefully filled on Mars with Martian fauna and later smuggled through customs.
Opening the box he saw, to his disbelief, six dead maw-worms and several varieties of the unicellular life on which the Martian worms fed. The protozoa were dried up, dusty, but he recognized them; it had taken him an entire day picking among the vast dark alien boulders to find them. A wonderful, illuminated journey of discovery.
But I didn't go to Mars, he realized.
Yet on the other hand—
Kirsten appeared at the doorway to the room, an armload of pale brown groceries gripped. “Why are you home in the middle of the day?” Her voice, in an eternity of sameness, was accusing.
“Did I go to Mars?” he asked her. “You would know.”
“No, of course you didn't go to Mars; you would know that, I would think. Aren't you always bleating about going?”
He said,“By God, I think I went.”After a pause he added,“And simultaneously I think I didn't go.”
“Make up your mind.”
“How can I?” He gestured. “I have both memory-tracks grafted inside my head; one is real and
one isn't but I can't tell which is which. Why can't I rely on you? They haven't tinkered with you.” She could do this much for him at least—even if she never did anything else.
Kirsten said in a level, controlled voice, “Doug, if you don't pull yourself together, we're through. I'm going to leave you.”
“I'm in trouble.” His voice came out husky and coarse. And shaking. “Probably I'm heading into a psychotic episode; I hope not, but—maybe that's it. It would explain everything, anyhow.”
Setting down the bag of groceries, Kirsten stalked to the closet. “I was not kidding,” she said to him quietly. She brought out a coat, got it on, walked back to the door of the conapt. “I'll phone you one of these days soon,” she said tonelessly. “This is goodbye, Doug. I hope you pull out of this eventually; I really pray you do. For your sake.”
“Wait,” he said desperately. “Just tell me and make it absolute; I did go or I didn't—tell me which one.” But they may have altered your memory-track also, he realized.
The door closed. His wife had left. Finally!
A voice behind him said, “Well, that's that. Now put up your hands, Quail. And also please turn around and face this way.”
He turned, instinctively, without raising his hands.
The man who faced him wore the plum uniform of the Interplan Police Agency, and his gun appeared to be UN issue. And, for some odd reason, he seemed familiar to Quail; familiar in a blurred, distorted fashion which he could not pin down. So, jerkily, he raised his hands.
Selected Stories of Philip K. Dick Page 39