by Mj Fields
“Nine-thirty?” I ask, getting out of the car.
“Sunday school starts at nine, man.”
“Tommy, you haven’t been to Sunday school in a year. Don’t push it.” I laugh as I shut the door then head inside.
I grab a notebook out of the junk drawer and a pen to write down my thoughts because, when this is over, I want her to know how I felt each step of the way. Then she will realize she wasn’t the only one hurt by the unfortunate events that led to our “break.” She would know there wasn’t a day that passed when I didn’t think of her.
I held you today at the same time I let you go. I trust in what I feel for the first time. You’ll be part of me forever. I’m forever changed because of you.
Day 2 without Tessa Ross sucks, but I can make it, right?
LYA,
Lucas
Chapter Seventeen
Looking at myself in the mirror, I really hope I’m not too underdressed. I have no idea where we’re going, so jeans would have to do. These ones are my favorite, and I stepped it up by leaving the long sleeve tees in their drawer and opting for a white blouse and a denim jacket. I also threw on one of Molly’s scarves to give it a splash of color to brighten up my Plain Jane outfit. I straightened my hair and even applied a swipe of mascara and lip gloss. Jade would be proud.
One more quick look in the mirror, and then I head out to the kitchen.
As soon as I round the corner, Toby is walking in and, thankfully, is also wearing jeans. He’s also wearing a sweater that fits him like a glove. He’s so handsome with his dark brown hair cut short and his blue green eyes always smiling. He’s also a good four inches taller than me. He’s six-foot and in amazing shape.
“Hey, Tessa, how was church?”
“Great. How was your morning?”
Walking to me, he answers, “Crazy, busy, and much better now.” He hugs me tight, and his hugs are like a favorite sweatshirt. “You ready to go?”
The kids run into the house, yelling his name. He scoops up Kendall, and Jake jumps on his back as he twirls them around in a circle.
After he sets Kendall down and Jake slides off his back, he grabs a video tape off the counter and hands it to them. “You have got to watch this. It’s a classic!”
They have already seen Star Wars half a dozen times, but none of us mention it.
The kids politely smile, and he looks at me. “They’ve seen it, haven’t they?”
“A few times. But it was nice of you to think of them.”
“We’ll watch it every day!” Jake cheers.
“Where are you two going?” Kendall asks, looking at him all dreamy-eyed.
He looks at me and asks, “Lunch and a movie sound okay?”
“It sounds perfect.”
Holding hands, we drive to Ithaca Commons, where we sit outside at a small café while talking about his plans when he graduates from Annapolis Naval Academy in two years.
“What will your job be?”
“I am going to be an MD,” Toby says, taking a bite of his lunch.
“So, you’ll be a medical doctor?”
“Hopefully,” Toby says, laughing as he wipes his mouth then mine.
“Sorry.” I blush. “Will you move a lot?”
“Probably every four years.”
“Won’t you miss your family?”
“Of course I will. I do, however, get thirty days of leave a year. Four weeks off a year, and I get to travel and help people, and the majority of the major military hospitals are on the East Coast, so it will be just a short plane trip or a long drive home.” He sits back. “Does that bother you?”
“No, I think it’s wonderful. It would just be hard, that’s all.”
“What would be hard?” he asks. “Being away from family.”
“Yes, I guess.”
“That’s what some people do, Tessa. But the big picture is pretty awesome. I’ll retire in my forties. If I am married by the time I am twenty-seven and the wonderful woman I marry wants children, we can raise them while traveling and seeing the world, if we choose. By the time our perfect little monsters are heading into their teens, we can drag them, kicking and screaming, back here. I can either work or coach their sports team. Ya know, be present. The sacrifices I make today will be huge rewards tomorrow.”
Heading to the mall, we continue talking about our goals and dreams, and even about the possibility of a future with us. I admit fully and totally that Toby makes me smile and there isn’t a moment when I’m with him that isn’t enjoyable. I love the way he allows me to feel desirable and innocent. As with Lucas, I felt like I wanted everything right now. It’s nice with Toby. But the fact Lucas is ever present, and the fact I still see the sadness in his eyes, as if they are etched in my mind, makes it feel wrong to still want something with Toby, yet I do.
Hand in hand, we walk through the mall, deciding to go grab some ice cream. That’s when I see Lucas standing at the head of the line … with yet another brunette.
As if he senses my happiness and is hell-bent on destroying it, he turns, and our eyes meet.
Ice cream in hand, the happy couple walks past us, but Lucas stops next to me and whispers, “Jill, number two.”
Fuming, I pretend he’s not even here and look up at Toby, who chuckles and shakes his head.
“What?”
“You’ll figure it out.”
Figure what out? I wonder but don’t ask, because Lucas Links is not going to ruin another moment of my freaking life.
We order ice cream and decide to skip the movie and instead sit and talk.
I’m home by two.
He walks me to the door and kisses my cheek. “Thank you for a great weekend.”
“No, thank you. You have been amazing and have opened my eyes. When will I see you again?” rushes out in a flurry.
He smiles.
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“You are so beautiful,” he says, staring into my eyes. “I’m going to be back in a few hours to shoot with John and Alex. Will you be here?”
I nod. “Yes.”
“See you then, Tessa.” He steps back, toward the door, still smiling as he reaches behind him and opens it.
Then he leaves.
I wake up to Toby sitting across from me, smiling. “Tired, angel?”
“I guess I was.” I sit up. “I will be right out. You go ahead.”
When I walk out into the barn, I immediately see Lucas. What the hell is he doing here?
Okay, Tessa, forgiveness. Just heard an hour sermon on it at church.
Tommy sits next to him, and Lucas whispers something to him.
Dad calls me, and I look away from them.
“Hey, Tessa, these boys don’t believe you can shoot. Will you prove me right?”
“Sure. Let me grab my bow.” I head to the small room that holds basically an arsenal that Dad and Alex have collected over the years and grab my bow.
When I walk back out, I notice a shit-ass grin on Lucas’s face.
“Hey, Lucas, why don’t you run in the house and grab an apple to put on your head?” I joke … sort of.
“I don’t think that’s a really good idea.” He smiles in such a relaxed way that I think maybe we actually can be friends.
Standing in front of the target—a plastic deer set up in front of hay bales—I whisper, “Sorry fake Bambi,” as I load the arrow, draw back the bow, and hit a bull’s-eye.
I turn and look at Dad, who nods proudly, and then I ask, “Anyone else want to try?”
Alex is first, and he does well. Tommy’s a tad bit off but does hit the target. Toby is just outside the bull’s-eye.
“Lucas, you want to try?” Alex asks.
Wearing a white hat, a fitted Henley, and jeans that sit on his hips, looking as perfect as ever, he pushes up off the stool, a piece of straw hanging out his lips, and turns the white hat backward. “Sure, I’ll give it a try.”
Sweet Jesus, I think and immediately look away. Unfortunately,
my eyes meet Jade’s as she walks in, fashionably late, and she sees it immediately.
She scowls and mouths, “Fucking white hat boys,” and we both start to laugh.
He walks up to me. “Never done this before, and I was always taught to ask the best for advice. You wanna help me out?”
“Sure.” I shrug, as if it’s no big deal, but it ends up being a much bigger deal than I thought. I have to help him with everything, including his stance. And, at one point, I swear I hear him take a deep breath in.
I turn, look over my shoulder, and whisper, “Did you just smell me?”
He grins and shakes his head.
I narrow my eyes. “Friends don’t sniff friends, unless you’re a dog sniffing another dog’s ass. I’m not a dog, you got it?”
Lucas grins. “Tessa, are we friends now?”
I roll my eyes. “Yes, Lucas.”
“Thank you. I think I got this.”
Without concentrating one bit, he pulls back and shoots. His arrow kisses mine dead center. “Huh, look at that.”
“Beginners luck. Do it again.”
He does.
I laugh. “You’ve totally shot before, faker.”
He shakes his head, grin playing on his lips.
“Then do it again.”
And he does … four more times.
What can I do but laugh?
“Let’s get the guns out,” Dad suggests.
We shoot for three hours straight.
“Tessa, you’re going hunting with us this year, right?” Dad jokes.
“Not in a million years. I’ve told you; give me a bunch of disgusting people, twelve maybe thirteen, I’ll shoot them before I’ll shoot a defenseless animal.”
“Wow, Tessa.” Toby chuckles. “Wouldn’t want to get on your bad side.”
I smile at him. “Please don’t.”
Toby and I stay behind when everyone else leaves to lock up.
“When do you have to leave?”
“My flight leaves from Ithaca tomorrow at six. I need to be there at five,” Toby answers.
“Can I drive you?”
“I would love that. What time do you get out of practice?” Toby asks.
“Four.”
“All right then, I’ll meet you at the school, like, four-fifteen?”
“Sounds like a plan.” I nod.
“We could make it a date. It would be our third.” Toby winks.
I could love you, I think as he takes my hand.
“Can I hug you?”
He tugs my hand, pulling me into him. “You don’t have to ask, angel.”
After just enough time ticks by, he kisses the top of my head.
I look up at him and wonder if he’s ever going to kiss me again, because he hasn’t at all today.
I won’t let it happen again. I want to know before he leaves if I could feel the same desire with Toby that I felt with Lucas. So, I push up on my toes and kiss him. He kisses me back gently, but when I attempt to deepen it, by way of my tongue, he pulls away.
Mortified, I start to step back, but he grabs my hand. “Don’t be angry at me. I’m in no hurry. I don’t want you to be, either.”
I look away.
“Tessa … don’t be like that.”
“Sorry.”
He pulls me toward the door then steps out as he tells me, “No, Tessa, not like that, either. I want to kiss you. Things need to be clear in your head, though.”
I don’t say anything. I just follow him to the back door of the house. He opens it for me, but he doesn’t let go of my hand.
“Tessa, you need to know that I find you irresistible. Every part of me wants to hold you and kiss you. I gotta listen to my heart, though, and it’s screaming not yet.”
I nod and, for some reason, I understand. “Okay.”
He kisses the top of my head then nods to the door. “See you tomorrow.”
When I walk in, I tell Dad, “I’m taking Toby to the airport after practice.”
He looks up briefly from the paperwork strewn on the table. “Okay.”
I kiss the top of his head then head into the living room and see Kendall and Jake on the couch.
“Louis and Clark is starting.” Jake says to me, his eyes glued to the TV.
“Let me go get my PJs on, and I’ll be back.”
I run up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Once in my room, I start to open the top dresser drawer and see a note sitting on top of it.
Your skills amaze me, my new friend. The only time my mind wandered out of friendship lane was when you said, “Do it again.”
Day 3 without Tessa Ross was a little better. I didn’t make her cry; that’s a start
LYA,
Lucas
I hold the note to my chest and smile. Then … I scold myself.
The girls and I are eating lunch in the cafeteria when the boys walk in.
Tommy sits down, but Lucas turns around and starts to walk away.
“Sit with us.” I point to the empty seat across the table.
“You sure?”
“We are friends now, right?”
He takes a seat across from me.
“So, at church yesterday, the sermon was on forgiveness,” Jade says, smiling, knowing this is where my head is.
“I’m not sure I remember what ours was. Do you, Lucas?” Tommy asks.
“Forbidden fruit,” Lucas answers and rolls his eyes at me.
Mouth full of milk, I grab a napkin and let the milk fly into that instead of across the table at him, laughing and choking at the same time.
“Tessa, are you okay?” Phoebe asks, deeply concerned as she pats my back.
“I’m fine.” I laugh, looking at Lucas, who is full-on grinning.
“Well,” Becca says, “he certainly does give us the message we need when we need it.”
To that, he and I both laugh even harder.
“Well, isn’t this nice?” Sadi’s voice hisses from behind me. “Did we kiss and make up?”
Rage, I feel rage as I whirl around in my seat and look at her. “Oh hey, Sadi. Good news. I was so impressed with your scuba technique that I decided to just go for it. We fucked all weekend.”
“Whore,” Sadi spats then walks away.
“Good at it,” I yell at her back.
“Tessa!” Becca snaps. “What happened to forgiveness?”
I stand up. “I forgave the bitch. She blew my boyfriend.”
Crying at my locker in Make-Out Hall is also not a place I saw myself senior year, yet here I fucking am. I hate this about me—the crying when I’m angry. And, right now, I am beyond angry.
Knowing hands land on my shoulders and turn me. As soon as he sees my eyes, he says sorrowfully, “I am so fucking sorry, baby.” When he attempts to hug me, I shove him back.
He holds up his hands and shakes his head. “How am I supposed to react when you’re crying?”
“I’d suggest you stay the fuck away.” I point to myself. “This is not me being sad; this is rage.”
He steps forward and leans down so we’re eye to eye. I turn my head, not wanting to feel what I feel because of the way he’s looking at me, as if to show me he, too, feels like I do.
“Tessa, don’t cry.” He wipes my fallen tears, and I jump back as if his touch was electric. “Please, Tessa, look at me.”
I look at him with angry, narrowed eyes.
“I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t do this, Lucas. I want to, but it hurts.” I slap away the remaining tears.
“You said we were friends, and I’ll take it, but I still love you.”
I see enormous blonde hair out of the corner of my eye and grab his face, kissing him. Pissed he’s not even trying, I kiss him harder. Then I hear a growl escape against my mouth.
He opens his mouth, and I plunge my tongue in deeply, licking him, tasting him. He grabs my hair and pulls it back, now hovering over me, taking control of the kiss. When I start to pull away, he reaches down and grips t
he back of my leg, pressing his enormous body against mine, making me feel how hard he is. I whimper as his lips press kisses down my neck.
“Lucas,” I whimper.
He moves back to my lips, grinding his hips against me as he now runs his hands up the back of my legs, under my skirt, and grab my ass.
Fire blazing at my core, he crashes his mouth over mine again, kissing me, tasting me, as he presses against me harder, grinding faster, licking deeper, against my locker.
I am on fire, burning with desire, as he dry fucks me against the brick wall.
Gasping for air, hoping to breathe in some semblance of control, I tear my mouth away from his as a pulse quickens between my legs in a way I have not experienced, causing my desire to reach an all-time high.
I run my hand down his hard abdomen, and then lower. He pushes his erection into my hand and hisses loudly in my ear.
What am I doing? What have I done? I scream inside my head.
“I can’t do friends, Lucas, when all I want to do is that.” I rub down his hard length then pull my hand away. “And I can’t do that again because it hurts so badly.”
I start to slide under his arm, but he grips the sides of my face.
He narrows his eyes as he says, “I’m going to put you back together, Tessa.” He strokes my hair so gently as he looks me over like he’s trying to memorize me. “I broke you, and I’m working on fixing you.”
Angry again at myself and him, I push his hands away. “How are you going to do that when you’re out at the mall with your next … fu … partner?”
“She was an ex, Tessa. I need to fix myself before I can fix you.” He rubs up my sides slowly, and my back arches. “Do not stop being my friend, regardless of where this journey ends. I can never lose you, do you understand? Never.” He kisses my forehead then wraps me in his arms, and I swear I feel his strong body tremble.
“I’m taking Toby to the airport after practice,” I whisper.
“Tell him I said good riddance. I mean, goodbye. And when you’re with him, remember it was my dick rubbing against you, giving you your first mini O and making you want more, not his.”