by Mj Fields
“You getting mad, TT?” I joke, and she narrows her eyes. “Let’s just say you’re in safe hands, even when I have to pull them away from your body. You’re an absolute dream in your sleep.”
“Has anything happened?” she asks softly.
“No, baby. I would prefer you to be coherent, but my hands have been very close to your heart for many nights, and you won’t let them go.” I sit back in my seat. “You also say some pretty sweet things in your sleep. Fucked with me for a couple days, wondering how you could say all that and go back to hating me as soon as the sun came up.”
“Hey, Lucas?” She swallows hard.
“Yes, Tessa?”
“I’m very embarrassed, but thank you.”
I grip the steering wheel to stop myself from taking her hand.
“Do I talk about what’s bugging me?” she asks.
“Just four people in an accident. That’s all you’ve said besides you love me. And you make me promise to be safe.”
“Every night?”
“Every. Single. Night.”
“How long does it last?”
“Until I hold you, kiss you, and you fall asleep.” I now look out my window.
“So, when do you leave my room?”
“When I wake up an hour or so later.”
“I’m sorry,” she says then sits up straight, no longer curling into herself. “Can you do me a favor?”
“Anything,” I say.
“Can you wake me up next time?”
I nod. “If I have to.”
“Thank you.”
She looks down, and I see her cheeks begin to blush. I wonder if she’s remembering some of the shit she’s asked me to do, and those things include her. As much as I want her to know, so that she maybe gets that I’m not as big a dick as she thinks I am, not with her, anyway, I reassure her, “Tessa, that’s all, okay?”
“You sure?”
I nod then quickly bring the subject back to safer grounds. “So, you’re not playing basketball?”
“I was going to try to do the musical and play ball, but then I got the lead.”
“So, that’s where you go every night?” I laugh, as if I didn’t know that already. “Evita.”
“That’s me.” She smiles.
“I can’t wait to see you on stage. Who is the lead guy?”
She starts laughing. “The pizza boy.”
I shake my head. “No shit?”
“None.”
“Maybe now is a good time for me to give you some advice about boys, since I’m your friend and all.”
“Okay, let’s start with the pizza boy,” she suggests.
“No, that won’t work. He would bore you to death. He’s the exact opposite of me—I mean, of what you need.”
“So, what do I need? And hold up, do you really want me to meet someone like you, my ex?” she asks.
“That’s two questions, and we are not talking about your ex. He pisses me off,” I joke.
“Okay, then what do I need?”
“Well, let me see … Let’s start with the obvious. Someone who likes sports. You’re competitive and would be so bored with a science geek or a boy who sings and dances on stage as a way to meet girls. You need someone who is fit, because you apparently like boys that are in shape.”
“Oh yeah? What makes you think that?” she jokes.
“There’s only three guys I have seen you look at twice; that LL guy—he’s smoking hot.” I wink, and she shakes her head. “GI Joe, although he’s way too old for you. And that Benji character. However, if you can kick his ass at archery, you would easily tire of him.” Tessa smiles, and I continue, “You need someone who likes music and can move.” I grin.
“Yeah?” She smiles back.
I nod. “They have to be intelligent, because you are. And they have to be able to make you laugh. Your laugh, Tessa, it should never be stopped. It’s infectious. It has to be someone who shares your values and loves family. Someone to let you explore who you are and, when you’re ready and sober, have enough inner strength to allow you the time to explore them without just taking you right there because that’s how hot you are.”
She looks down and shakes her head.
“They have to love to talk, or at least love you enough to listen. They need to enjoy every part of you; from your perfect face, flawless skin, tight body, eyes they could sink into forever, and your soft, thick hair that just begs their hands to touch it, to your wit, and voice, and even your little tantrums. If they don’t crave you every second of every day, they don’t deserve you. If they succeed in life and don’t search for you to share that with them, they don’t deserve you. If they don’t need you by their side during every part of life, they don’t deserve you. If, when they fuck up, they don’t love you enough to let you go, they don’t deserve you.”
I pull my hat down and try to hide the feelings, the desire, the fucking need inside me, but not only that—to shield me from seeing the same damn thing from her.
When I notice her breathing change, her leaning a bit closer, as her empty hands flex, I know damn well I need to get us back to the farm where others are around every corner, to keep her safe from me, and from herself.
I turn on the vehicle and throw it in reverse as an all-too-familiar car zips in and parks directly behind me.
Sadi jumps out and begins pounding in my window, screaming, “What the hell is going on?”
“Holy buzz kill,” Tessa sighs out, and I would laugh but that would cause Sadi to seriously lose her shit.
“Just had lunch with my friend, Tessa. You two have met, right?”
“So, does she know?” she screams.
I glare at her. “She knows everything, absolutely everything.”
Sadi looks past me and at Tessa. “He’s having a baby with me, farm girl!”
Tessa leans forward and plasters on a fake as fuck smile. “I’m well aware of it, Sadi.”
“Then what the fuck do you think you’re doing with him?” she yells.
“He just told you, we had lunch. We’re friends. Do you understand that? Shit, Sadi, I was hoping you and I could be buddies. Hell, I thought we were well on our way with all that crying you did on my shoulder and the shocking locker room confessional. I really was hoping we could all hang out sometime. Oh, and I was hoping for an invite to the baby shower,” Tessa says, visibly shaking, trying the best she can to hold it together.
Sadi then yells, “Fuck you, white trash. I wouldn’t invite you to a rock fight.”
At this point, I’m ready to get out and drag her back to her car, but Tessa leans forward and gives it right back.
“Hey, Sadi, do you have any parenting books? You should know that all this stress is not good for your baby. So, if you give a fuck about that little life growing in your belly, you may try to get into a yoga class or find something to teach you how to relax. Lucas and I are friends. I plan to stay that way, and you need to accept it. I’m not like you; I’m not going to fuck someone’s boyfriend, so you have nothing to worry about. And he’ll be a good dad if you don’t drive him over the edge, so just leave us the fuck alone.”
“Tessa,” I whisper, “don’t waste your breath.”
“Lay with pigs, Lucas, and you’ll start smelling like them!” Sadi screams.
Tessa unbuckles her seat belt and screams back at her, “I think that’s bullshit, or he’d smell like a crazy ass whore!”
I reach across the console and grab Tessa’s shirt, holding her inside the SUV. “Sadi, move your car now.”
For once, Sadi listens.
We sit in my SUV while Sadi peels out of the parking spot.
“You okay?” I ask, knowing damn well she’s not.
“Fuck no!” she yells. “Who the fuck is she? The farm girl remarks were already getting old and now white trash?”
“I’m sorry she’s trying to make you feel bad, and I’m sorry I brought you into this mess.” I take her hand, and she stiffens. “This is okay, right? I’m trying to
comfort you now.”
“Yes, as a matter of fact, why don’t you go pull in her front lawn so I can fuck you on the hood of your SUV, so that stupid bitch can watch!”
As soon as the words leave her mouth, she looks like she wants to gobble them back in.
“Will that make you feel better?” I ask, trying not to laugh.
Tessa looks at me and lets out a breath.
“I mean, Tessa, anything I can do to help, I will. It would be my honor, because there’s nothing I’d rather watch than you come.”
She pulls her hand away and covers her face. Then her body shakes in silent laughter as I back out.
Instead of going straight through the four-way stop, I swing right.
“Where are we going?”
“I’m only doing what I was asked.” I joke. “Now try to calm yourself down until we get there. Play some music.”
She leans forward, turns on the radio, and hits shuffles on the disc player.
“Now sit back and try to relax, okay?”
She nods as Tesla’s “Love Song” begins. Then she shakes her head, leans back, and closes her eyes. It isn’t until I pull into my driveway that she opens her eyes.
“I’ll be right back. I need to grab a few things.”
“Do you need help?”
I say it like it is, “No, thank you. We’re friends and all, but I don’t think I would trust myself with you in my bedroom, unsupervised.”
Inside, I grab a few things. I’ve been slacking and not taking care of things at home, and that’s not cool because no one else is around to do it.
When I open the door to get back in my vehicle, she asks, “What’s this?”
“Banking stuff and bills that need to be paid.” I turn on the SUV and turn around in the driveway.
When I pull out, she asks, “Where are we going now?”
“Do you have plans?”
Tessa shakes her head.
“Good. Can we go grocery shopping together?”
She nods. “Sure, I guess.”
A mile or so down the road, I start to slow down and point to a house. “I want you to check out the third house on the left, up here.”
I watch as she looks at the tiny white ranch with a small garage attached to it that sits on a quarter acre of land.
“Okay … why?” she asks.
“That’s Sadi’s house. She lives there with her mother and little shit brother. Her mom works two crap jobs to be able to pay the mortgage and provide for her very spoiled, expectant child. Sadi is mean as shit to her. Should I turn around and park on the front lawn?” I joke.
“She lives close to you,” Tessa mumbles.
“Yes, she does. I used to pick her up for school every morning, and she blew me all the way there.”
“Wow, TMI.”
“No, Tessa, that was honesty, the basis of our relationship. Sadi’s not nice, funny, kind, or caring. I was always with her for a release, and companionship, I suppose, even though it was shitty. When she got pregnant after missing her pills, the ones I took her to get every month, I knew I wanted more than that for my child. She was pissed, because she would have responsibilities. She hit me a few times, and I got sick of her shit, and we broke up often. I tried to love her … well, the best I knew how, and she just whined and took pity on herself. It got old. Then she broke up with me again, and I swore that was the last time. I called the girls to come over, she drove by and saw one of their cars. She stopped, stormed in, and walked in on our um … party.” I adjust my hat. “The rest, you already know. My point here was not to tell you all that to piss you off, but rather show you that you have absolutely no reason to get upset when she makes the farm girl cracks. All right? She has nothing on you. Nothing.”
“You’re truly a beautiful person,” she whispers then slaps her hand over her mouth.
I take it and pull it away. “And you, Tessa Ross, made me that way in less than three months. The day I saw you getting out of the pond, the very first time, I knew I wanted you. The way you seemed annoyed with me was not a reaction I ever got from any girl, which made me want you more. You were a challenge. And then I found myself offering to do hay just so I could see you again. That day, I truly saw who you were, and I believe that day was the day I knew I loved you.”
I clear my throat then continue, “Now all this shit is happening, and I ended up fucking up again, but everything happens for a reason, I guess. Or maybe it doesn’t. Maybe that’s just something people say to feel better about their situation. Regardless, I now know what I have to do for my child. I have to try to figure it all out and make life okay for that little life so that he or she can someday, God willing, know love, and maybe be half as amazing as you. And that means I lose what I want more than anything in this world.”
“Would you please pull over?” Tessa says, her voice pained.
I immediately pull off the road. “You okay?”
“No!” she yells. “I’m not okay. I’m crushed, and I’m even more in love with you now than ever. I just want to scream, and cry, and … I don’t know. I need this pain to go away, Lucas. I love you, and it hurts so much.”
Watching tears fill her eyes, I try to figure out how to make it better. The only thing I can come up with is, “I can make it easier for you. I can make you hate me. I’m good at that.”
She throws off her seat belt, climbs over the console, sits on my lap, and hugs me so fucking tightly as she silently sobs. All I can do is hug her back.
A good time later, maybe an hour, a day, but not the lifetime I wish I could have with her, she sits back, kisses my cheek, and whispers, “I could never hate you.”
As she climbs off my lap, I ask, “What can I do?”
“Be the best you can be, and be my friend, always.”
“Done.” I grab her hand.
On our way home from grabbing groceries, and me buying out the store, because I’ve yet to put any food in the cupboards or fridge since moving in, Jade calls and asks if I know where Tessa is.
“She’s right here. You wanna talk to her?”
“No, I want you to bring her to camp.”
“Will do. Give us ten.”
I hang up and look over at Tessa. “Jade wants you at camp.”
“Is she okay?” she asks with genuine concern.
Having already talked to Tommy this morning, I know what is up, but I don’t want to take that away from them.
“Yeah, I’m sure she’s fine.”
Sore maybe, I think to myself, but fine.
I drop Tessa off next to the pond where Jade is waiting for her. Then I head back to camp to let them have some girl time.
As I stock up some cupboards with chips, pretzels, nuts, and snack foods for the hunting crew, I see them walking toward me then head outside because I do not need a recap of their first time.
Sitting on the back porch, I hear Jade hiss, “I hate that girl.”
Tessa whispers back, “That girl is going to have Lucas’s baby. I want her to be okay. So, I’m going to ask you to be nice to her. If she sees kindness, maybe she can be a decent mom to her child, to Lucas’s child. It’s part of Lucas, and I love him, Jade. I know he can be an amazing father.”
I never deserved you.
“You’re going to be nice to her?” Jade snorts.
“I’m going to tolerate her. It pretty much depends on how much shit I can take, but for him, I’ll try.”
Jade sighs. “You need to move on. I think that would be easier for you both.”
It stings, but I know she’s right. If someone else was good to her, how could I ask for anything else? Tessa’s happiness is just as important to me. Hell, even more so than my own.
Chapter Thirty Five
Feeling like I haven’t slept in weeks, I head downstairs, tying my hair up in a bun before I begin the task of making sausage gravy. While the sausage cooks, I whip up some biscuits and put them in the oven. Then I set to making the gravy.
Once I’ve dumped i
t into the crockpot, I make another batch, this time with venison sausage, and double it, because who knows how many will be showing up to eat before heading to camp, where they will spend a week together.
Once all of that is set, I walk into the living room and open the VHS cupboard, grab Bambi, turn on the TV, put in the video, and plop on the couch, where I sit and watch it, as I do every year while waiting for the hunters to show up at the house.
They always show up at the house on opening day, and then, depending on how many there are, of course, decide who stays at camp.
One by one, they begin to trickle in. Lucas is with Alex. I have to stop myself from laughing at his change in headgear. More specifically, how orange replaced white. It’s not hard to stop myself from laughing, since he still looks freaking hot regardless of the color.
“What is she watching?” Lucas asks Alex.
“Bambi. She’s watches it every year on opening day since she was four.” Alex rolls his eyes. “She doesn’t like hunting, but she likes guns and bows. Weird, huh?”
Lucas walks over, sits down next to me, and must just realize I’m awake. “Good movie?”
Smirking, I wink, and then I get back to the task of ignoring the men.
“Good morning Tessa.” I look up as Ben walks in. “Please tell me that’s venison sausage in the blue crockpot.”
“Nope.” I give him a dirty look, lift my nose, and turn back to the TV.
“You guys out, because I can fill your whole freezer within the next few days,” Ben jokes as he flops down on the other side of me.
I smack him in the gut.
Laughing, he asks, “Hurt your hand, Ross?”
At that, Alex laughs, and I catch Lucas trying not to do the same.
“You see, the secret behind it is that, once the momma gets nailed, baby gets it immediately.”
I sock him again.
“What, Tess? That’s the humane thing to do. Godawful listening to those fawns blat as they walk around the scary fields alone.”
“I am totally going to kick your ass.”
Ben smartly jumps up off the couch, but the damn fool continues.
“I mean, seriously, Tess, the thing would starve by itself, or freeze to death.”