He had no one.
I count three plants and the floral arrangement on the casket that’s provided by the funeral home. There is no slideshow of photographs playing on a television in the background, no family members reaching for Kleenex under the chairs, no one bringing trays of food to the congregation room in the back, no one standing in groups recalling fond memories of when he was alive.
The pastor reads some generic verses from the Bible then gets ready to dismiss us.
Fuck that.
He deserves better.
I take my hands out of my pockets and move to the front of the room.
“Micah was my friend. He was my best friend.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “When we were kids, we would climb on the roof of my patio and jump into the pool. It almost gave my mother a heart attack, but somehow we never got hurt.” I smile at the memory. “We shot frogs with pellet guns. We played 007 on Nintendo 64 until we could hardly hold our eyes open. We re-wrote the lyrics to Dear Mama and performed it for our moms on Mother’s Day.” I chuckle. “We thought we were the shit.” I clear my throat. “Because we were.”
That’s how I see him. That’s how I’ll always see him. The man with the cold stare and malicious grin—that wasn’t Micah. That was a shell of the person he used to be, the person he could’ve been. Should’ve been.
When my eyes meet Adrienne’s, I see that she’s crying. Tears are streaming down her cheeks, but she doesn’t move to wipe them away. She just lets them fall like she knows Micah needs them. He needs to know someone gives a damn. I need to know someone gives a damn. She doesn’t look away like she did all the other times she caught me watching her. She meets my gaze, and a hint of a smile teases her lips. A reassurance, her way of telling me it will be okay.
Then I break.
I fall the fuck apart.
“I’m sorry. I let you down. I left you alone. I should’ve fought for you.” My eyes well with my own tears. “I’m so fucking sorry.” My gaze never leaves Adrienne’s. The words aren’t just for Micah. They’re for her. They’re for us.
Her shoulders start to shake. A strangled sob tears from her throat, then she finally swipes her fingers underneath her eyes.
I run my hand over the top of the closed casket then place a kiss on the polished wood surface. “Spread your wings and fly high. Now you can finally be with your family.”
Liam comes up to me in the parking lot. His bright green eyes are red-rimmed and glossed over with unshed tears. “You left, and you didn’t even say goodbye.”
Fuck.
I ruffle his hair. “I know, and I’m sorry for that. I should’ve told you. It just all happened so fast.”
He shrugs. “It’s okay. Hector told me your dad really needs you. If I had a chance to be with my dad again, I’d leave too.”
Jesus, how much can a heart take in one day? Adrienne told me about Liam’s parents, about how his father fell asleep with a cigarette, about how Liam tried to save them, but neither one of his parents made it out alive. The fire started in their room. By the time Liam knew what was happening, it was too late for them.
I rub the side of his arm and force a smile. “You still have your sister and the rest of the boys.” The smile turns genuine. “And Adrienne.”
He still has Adrienne. That’s the only thing about my decision that gives me any comfort.
“Sometimes when Miss M drops me off to play basketball with Hector, she gets real quiet.” His gaze falls to the ground. “And she doesn’t like to go inside.”
I did that to her. I did this to us.
Adrienne walks up beside us before I can reply, and all I smell is coconut body wash. The scent hits me like a thousand bullets. I want to pull her to the side and tell her the truth. I want to tell her everything. I want it so much it fucking hurts.
“Time to go, Liam,” she says without looking at me.
I wish she’d just look at me.
Having her not look at me is torture.
Liam circles his arms around my waist and presses his head against my chest. “I miss you, Blaze. Take care of your dad then come back, okay?”
I smooth my hand over the back of his hair and nod because I’m done making promises I’m not sure I can keep.
“You didn’t do this, you know.” Adrienne’s voice slides over me then seeps inside.
God, I’ve missed that voice.
My eyes travel over her body, soaking in every inch of her. My insides go haywire. I’m itching with the need to touch her. She’s a goddamn tornado in a black dress, ripping through me and stirring up everything I thought I had under control.
When I don’t answer, she continues. “Micah made his own choices. He was the exception. Not the rule. Foster kids may not have the same chances as kids raised in traditional homes, but they do have a chance.”
I know that. The proof is standing right in front of me.
She licks her lips—lips I should be kissing. “You didn’t pull that trigger. You didn’t cause that fight. You have to stop blaming yourself for other people’s pain. It’s going to tear you apart.” She smiles, and that smile, that fucking smile, is the goddamn death of me. “You deserve to be whole, Blaze.”
Always worried about everyone else. Always trying to save the world. Why can’t we just save ourselves?
Jesus, this is hard.
Why the fuck is this so hard?
“Thank you.” It’s all I can manage because begging her to forgive me isn’t an option.
She nods once, a simple tip of her chin to her chest, then turns to leave. I don’t have the strength to let her go. A better man would watch her walk away, but I’m weak. So, I reach out and grab her hand.
The words get trapped in my throat when she stops and looks over her shoulder at me. I never thought touching Adrienne would hurt, but it does. It hurts so fucking much I almost sink to my knees.
It feels as though my heart has grown wings and is trying to fly right out of my chest, but I know that can’t be true because she’s holding my heart in her hands. I gave it to her that day on the boat.
Her lips curve in the slightest of smiles and tears swell in her eyes. “Goodbye, Blaze.” Then she pulls her hand from mine and walks away.
“Goodbye, Adrienne,” I whisper because it hurts too damn much to say out loud.
I’m up to six miles now. I stopped at six two weeks ago, maxed out, hit my limit. It’s starting to rain, but I have one more mile to go. The droplets pouring over my skin cool the burn.
Fuck those droplets.
The burn is the only thing that takes my mind off her.
I can’t stop thinking of how she looked at the funeral. An angel in a sweet black dress that hugged her curves and showed the line of her cleavage. It’s not just her body, though. It’s the way she looks at me, so full of hope and fire, and that smile… Fuck me that smile. That smile makes me feel like I can do anything—anything except let her go.
I hear her voice in my head, “Goodbye, Blaze.” She did what I didn’t have the courage to do. I grit my teeth and press harder on the last stretch. The rain is falling harder now, tiny pellets against my face.
“Morning, Morie,” I say as he holds the door open. This time he follows me inside. He walks over to the concierge desk and hands me a towel.
He holds it out but doesn’t loosen his grip when I go to grab the towel. His dark brown eyes narrow in on mine. “I watch people run in here and out of here and by here every day. You’re not like them. You’re not running just to run. You’re running from something.”
My mother used to always tell me that there were angels among us. That sometimes we would meet people who just knew things. We wouldn’t know how they knew. They just knew. I’m thoroughly convinced Morie is one of those people.
“I lost someone I care about.”
He grins then lets go of the towel. “Then go find them.”
I laugh and wipe my face.
I wish it were that easy.
�
�Dad went all out for you. Didn’t he, little bro?” He whistles as he glances around my office.
Levi.
Motherfucker.
He pushes himself up from the leather chair behind my desk and walks toward the window.
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be somewhere dipping Skoal and making left turns?”
He laughs. “Such a fucking douchebag. In spite of your stereotypical observation, I don’t dip Skoal. And I’m here because of you.”
I lean my butt against the desk and cross my arms. “Well, I didn’t invite you, so you’re welcome to leave.”
“I’m here to say I’m sorry,” he says as he spins to face me.
What.
The.
Fuck?
I can count on one hand the number of times my brother has apologized to me. He didn’t even say he was sorry the day I caught him with his dick in my girl.
My gaze sharpens in on him. “For which part? The part where you let Dad weasel his way into your deal with Adrienne’s foundation? Or the part where you let him know I liked her, so he’d know exactly what to take from me?”
He pushes off the window and makes his way back to my desk, stopping a few feet in front of me. The muscle in his jaw tics. “I let him help with the sponsorship because he said it would be a good look for the bank to do something like this. He asked me what I was donating and said he would match it. I never thought it was a bad thing. I never thought he was doing it to hurt anyone.”
“He’s Dad. Hurting people is what he does best.” Just ask our mom. I grip the edge of the desk to keep from choking the life out of him. “Why the fuck would you tell him about Adrienne? What does she have to do with any of this?”
“He just asked me if you were happy, and I told him yes. I thought he might actually give a shit. Turns out he was just being Dad.” He leans one hip against the desk. “I fucked up, and I’m sorry. I miss you, Blaze. I want my brother back.”
It’s hard not to believe him when he sounds so genuine. My brother is a lot of things—selfish, arrogant, impulsive—but he’s never been a liar.
Levi and I used to race cars at the fairgrounds before either one of us even hit puberty. Before that, we raced bicycles in our neighborhood. It didn’t surprise anyone when he wanted to go to NASCAR. When I would finally fall asleep after staying awake to watch our mom breathe after one of her benders, Levi would pick me up and carry me to bed. He would make his friends wait in the driveway just so he could shoot basketball with me for a few minutes before he went out.
I can hear Adrienne now. People make mistakes, but at the end of the day, he’s still your brother.
He didn’t make Rebecca sleep with him, and he didn’t make her get in her car and follow us when we raced.
It’s time to let it go. All of it. The anger. The hurt. I want my brother back, too. I’m tired of saying goodbye to people I care about.
“I miss you too.”
He narrows his eyes then stands with resolve, shoulders straight, chest puffed out like he’s about to announce the winner of the Nobel Prize. “I came to do what I should’ve done a long time ago.”
I smirk. “It’s a little late to put yourself up for adoption. Nobody wants a thirty-two-year-old chronic masturbator.”
“Fuck you.” There’s the brother I’ve been missing. He drops into one of the chairs in front of my desk. “You might want to sit down for this.”
Three days. That’s how long I cried after Micah’s funeral. I told Haley I would bring Liam and his sister because I needed the closure as much as they did. That’s only partly true. I knew Blaze would be there, and I just wanted one more minute with him, one more look, one more breath.
He looked so different and still so much the same. His normally stubble-shadowed face was clean-shaven and smooth. Instead of jeans, he wore dress pants and a button-up shirt. And he didn’t wear a beanie. That’s probably a good thing. He didn’t look like my Blaze, but he felt like him. As hard as I tried to ignore it, it was there. The thrumming. The pulse between us. The pull of the way he makes me feel.
I wanted to hold him. I wanted to tell him he’s wrong. What we had wasn’t nothing. It wasn’t a mistake. I wanted to cut myself open and show him the deepest, darkest parts of me and promise to never keep anything from him ever again. I wanted to ask him if he thought we might still have a chance.
Instead, I said goodbye and broke my own heart because I was afraid of rejection. There is no greater power than fear.
Except for love. Why couldn’t my love be greater than my fear?
I love Blaze Abbott. I’ve loved him since the day on the lake when he opened up his soul and let me inside.
I miss him. I miss the way everything disappears when I’m with him. I miss his strong hands and gentle touch.
Loving someone isn’t nearly as overwhelming as missing them.
I’m running out of ways to feel numb. The Golden Girls doesn’t even help anymore. Brody has tried. Haley has tried. Even Jake has tried to take my mind off of Blaze. There’s a scene in Twilight where Bella watches as the calendar shifts from day to day. Time is stagnant. Moments run together, and it’s as if she’s watching her life through someone else’s eyes. Nothing matters.
I am the time in that scene.
I am stagnant.
I am still.
I’m sitting in my pajamas curled up underneath a blanket on my sofa. I dip my fingertip in the whipped cream on top of my hot chocolate and stare at the TV. Sophia just got arrested for starting the fire at Shady Pines.
I click the off button on the remote because it reminds me of the fire, of the brewery, of him. Everything reminds me of him.
I’m about to go to bed and stare at the ceiling until I fall asleep when my front door swings open and Brody and Jake barge in.
Brody snaps his fingers. “That’s it.” He grabs one arm while Jake grabs the other. “Up you go.”
“We’re busting you out of this joint,” Jake says as they pull me off the sofa then let go of my arms.
I take the ponytail holder from my wrist and start to wrap it around my hair. “Can I at least get dressed first?”
Brody shakes his head. “Nope.”
“You know this is kidnapping, right?” I tighten the ponytail.
“Don’t care. I know a guy who can pull some strings,” Brody says then winks at Jake.
I roll my eyes. “Oh my God, you two are ridiculous.”
Jake’s blue eyes lift to meet mine. “Are you going to grab your shit and come with us willingly, or do I need to put you over my shoulder?”
“I’m grabbing. I’m grabbing.” I grab my keys and purse off the kitchen counter and slide into my bright yellow Crocs. Anywhere I can go in my pajamas, I can go in Crocs.
He smiles a proud smile. “Good girl.”
We pull up at HoH, and they guide me through the house to the backyard. There’s a white tarp hanging from the wooden privacy fence and four rectangular mini inflatable swimming pools filled with pillows and blankets. Haley is scattering lanterns between the pools and along the walkway. The boys have already made themselves comfortable with popcorn and candy.
“What in the world is all this?” I ask.
“It’s movie night, Miss M. We thought it would be cool if we could all hang out,” Liam says with a mouth full of popcorn.
Ryder holds out a red and white plastic bucket. “Here. Have some popcorn.”
His face is so happy, so hopeful. They’re trying, so I need to try too.
I take his bucket and settle into my appointed pool. Brody and Jake settle in on each side of me while Haley shares a pool with Zeke and Nate. Jake splays his arm along the back of our pool, placing his hand on my shoulder.
He leans over to whisper in my ear. “Too soon?” I cut him a glance, and he slides his arm back to his lap then grins. It’s that cocky, smug grin that only Jake can make look adorable. “Okay. I’ll wait.”
That’s exactly
what I’m doing. Waiting. For as long as I have to.
Two weeks ago, Kai asked me to speak at an upcoming fundraiser in Florida, a spur of the moment event before the holidays. Of course, I said yes. Even though at the time, I had no idea what I wanted to say.
Then he emailed me a list of names and addresses, people I was to invite to attend. My chest caved in when I got to the third name on the list. Blaze Abbott. One look at his name, one beat of my heart, and I was no longer trying to win the hearts of hundreds of people. I only wanted to change the heart of one.
This is my chance to show him that there is strength in our pain and purpose in the darkness. Without it, we would never find the light.
Blaze’s future might not have me in it, but at least maybe I can show him that. Maybe in my healing, I can lead him to his hope.
It’s time now. A drop of sweat skates down my spine. I’m nervous. I don’t know that I’ve ever been this nervous about anything. Within moments, I’m going to stand on a stage in front of hundreds of influential people, important people, entitled people, and tell my life story. My story. I’m about to rip open my chest and bleed out into a room full of complete strangers in hopes that they’ll open their checkbooks. What’s the going rate for a woman’s soul these days? Ten thousand? Maybe fifty if I really sell it. Who knew the little girl who once slept on the floorboard of a rusted minivan with nothing but a bath towel to keep her warm would be the guest of honor at one of Florida’s top resorts?
I fidget with the hem of my soft pink pencil skirt and shift uncomfortably in my chair while Kai addresses the crowd. I have no idea what he’s saying. I can’t hear him over the pulse pounding in my ears. Random words float across the stage followed by collective laughter from the group of guests seated at their round, linen-covered tables.
The sound of applause lulls me out of my trance. I glance at the podium where Kai is smiling at me affectionately. He gestures his hand toward the microphone, offering me the stage. He must’ve introduced me already. A pang of guilt twists at my stomach that I missed it because he’s never been anything but supportive and encouraging. Still, he has no idea what a milestone tonight is for me. He has no idea what’s coming. He has no idea what I’m about to do. He doesn’t know I’m about to share the details of a past that I’ve never shared with anyone, not one single person. Until this moment.
Blaze: A Driven World Novel (The Driven World) Page 17