by Lauren Rowe
I sit on the edge of the bed. “I fucked up, Jizz. She’s gone.”
“Aw, shit, honey. What’d you do?”
I explain the situation, stuffing down tears.
“Sometimes, I forget you’re not me in a male body,” Kat says. “This is one time you’ve definitely proven you’ve got a dick and balls.”
I rub my eyes. “What the hell does that mean?”
“It means you’re a dumbass.”
“Why? Violet and I both decided, together, to be secret fuck-spies while we got to know each other and figured out what to do.”
“I’m guessing there was never a ‘we’ in that scenario, honey. Violet had no choice but to agree to whatever deal you were offering her. Surely, she figured getting something with you was better than nothing. I would have done the same thing in her shoes. But, clearly, skulking around on the down low didn’t turn out to be enough for her. And do you want to know why, if I had to guess?”
“No, Kat, I have no desire to know why Violet left me,” I snap. “I called to talk about the weather.”
“Because she loves you.”
My heart squeezes.
“She loves you and she thinks you don’t love her back so she ran away to protect herself. It’s as simple as that.”
My heart is clanging wildly in my chest. “I played her that song, Kitty—in front of the entire world. I told her how I feel about her in that song.”
“That song only gets you so far, honey,” Kat says. “It’s an amazing song, but telling a girl they’re a flower who gives you fireflies isn’t the same thing as ‘I love you, Violet.’ I’m sure she was blown away by the song at the time. But then, when her feelings grew well past fireflies, she needed to know your feelings had grown, too. She needed reassurance, and you didn’t give it to her. Take it from me, when you love someone, anything short of love in return feels like a devastating rejection.”
A little groan of torment escapes my throat. I feel wrecked. Demolished. Hopeless.
“Sweetie, she needed to hear the words from you. It’s like in Ghost, when Demi Moore said ‘I love you’ to Patrick Swayze and he responded ‘Ditto.’” Kat scoffs. “Demi didn’t deserve a ditto. And neither does Violet.”
I choke back emotion. “It’s only been a week, Kat. How could anyone fall in love in a week?”
“I fell in love with Josh in a week. Ryan fell in love with Tessa in a week. Hell, to some people, a week is an eternity. Dad fell in love with Mom at first sight. He saw her in class, and later that night—”
“He told his buddy, ‘I saw the girl I’m gonna marry today.’ Yes, I know the story.”
“Colby fell in love with Lydia at first sight, too. Like father, like son. Actually, come to think of it, Ryan didn’t even need a week to know Tessa was The One. We all know he fell for her at first sight, too. We’re Morgans, dude. When we know, we know. But, regardless, it hasn’t been a week and you know it. You’ve been obsessed with Violet for months and months.”
I nod, even though Kat’s not here to see it.
“Daxy, she left because she thinks, if you loved her the way she loves you, then you wouldn’t let anything or anyone stand in your way. And, frankly, I think she’s right about that.”
“I do love her,” I whisper. And as the words come out, I know, with full clarity, they’re true. I clear my throat and speak a bit more loudly, my heart racing. “I love Violet.”
I can hear my sister’s wide smile across the phone line. “Then prove it. Move mountains for her, baby. Because I’ma tell you right now, Violet Rhodes is the kind of girl who deserves the sun, the moon, and the stars—a spot on your arm. She deserves an ‘I love you,’ Dax Morgan. Not a freaking ditto.”
Chapter 43
Violet
When I walk into my apartment, Miranda is sitting on the couch with her laptop.
“You just missed Caleb,” she says.
“He was here?”
“He left ten minutes ago. He’s freaking out you haven’t returned any of his calls or texts.” Concern flickers across Miranda’s face as I cross the room. “Have you been crying?”
“You didn’t tell Caleb about Dax, did you?”
“Of course not. I told him you’ve been working a ton lately. Why have you been crying?”
I burst into tears and plop onto the couch, my hands over my face, and Miranda puts her arm around me.
“Dax?”
I nod.
“He broke up with you?”
“No, I broke up with him before he could do it to me.”
I tell Miranda everything and she listens and says a whole bunch of sweet and sympathetic things. But the one thing she doesn’t do is tell me I’m reading the situation wrong. Because, as we both know, I’m not. This thing with Dax is doomed.
As we’re talking, my phone rings with an incoming call. I look down. Caleb.
“Please answer him,” Miranda says. “Just so he knows you’re alive. He’s worried.”
Exhaling, I press the button to take the call. Fuck it. Just because Dax is too chicken shit to talk to Caleb, doesn’t mean I am. “Hey, Caleb.”
“Hey, baby. I’ve been worried. You haven’t answered any of my calls or texts.”
“Yeah, I’ve been working. Sorry.”
“Are you crying?”
“No. What’s up?”
“I need to talk to you.”
“About what?”
“I’d like to tell you in person. Where are you?”
“In my apartment.”
“Can I come now? I’m close by. I can be there in ten.”
I take a brief moment to consider. And then, “Yeah. Sure. Come now.”
***
When I open the door to Caleb, he looks... stunning. Ripped and chiseled, and yet, uncharacteristically humble and sincere. Tormented, I’d even say. The minute he sees my tear-stained face, he lurches forward and embraces me. And, God help me, I crumple into him and nuzzle my nose into his broad chest and lose myself to sobbing.
“Sweetheart,” he coos, his voice low and masculine. “Pretty baby.”
As he leads me to the couch like a sack of potatoes, I hear the door to Miranda’s bedroom close, signaling she’s left us alone.
Caleb sits me down and pulls me to him and I crumple into him again, crying even harder.
“What happened?” he asks, holding me close. “Baby, tell me.”
I shake my head and clutch him to me. Ah, yes, I remember this. The way Caleb smells. The way his arms feel wrapped around me when I’m sad. I remember what it felt like to be his. To love him with all my heart. He was so broken, but so was I, and I was positive we could fix each other, if only we loved each other hard enough. I thought love could conquer all, when it came to us, even if a part of me knew I loved him just a little bit more than he loved me.
Caleb wipes at my tears with his thumb. His green eyes are on fire. “Did he hurt you?”
My heart stops. “Who?”
“Your boyfriend. Whoever you’ve been seeing.”
“I’m not seeing him anymore. It’s over.”
And that’s all Caleb needs. His lips crush mine. His soft lips. The lips I ached for years to kiss again. I melt into his kiss like I’m reliving a beautiful dream. I open my mouth to receive his tongue and he claims me, the same way he did that very first time. This boy was my first kiss. The first boy to make love to me. And he did it so gently. So sweetly. Like I was a rare treasure. He was the boy who dazzled me with his talent and overwhelmed me with his passion. And pissed me off constantly with his short temper and stupid tantrums. He was the boy who threw punches at anyone who stared at my tits. Or so he thought. He was the boy I loved and would do anything for, and did. The boy who ultimately reached the stratosphere on a rocket, just like I dreamed he would one day... and then left me and my broken heart behind in the dust.
And now, out of nowhere, he’s back, kissing me and begging for another chance. A new chapter. He could have anyone in the
world, this magnificent, tempestuous boy. But, for some reason, he wants me. Or so he says. And now, with this kiss, this last kiss of ours, I know, without a doubt, I don’t want him. And not because I want Dax. Which I do. But because, regardless of Dax, I simply don’t want Caleb Baumgarten anymore. I’m sure of it.
I pull back from our kiss to find a forest fire blazing in Caleb’s green eyes.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” I say, wiping my mouth.
“We’ve still got it, Vi,” he says. “What we had—it’s still there. Only better.”
I shake my head and lean back. “No, honey. It’s gone.”
Caleb looks crestfallen for a moment. But then his face morphs into barely contained fury. It’s a transformation I’ve seen many times in his eyes. Hurt turning into anger in the blink of an eye.
“Who is he?” he grits out.
“Forget him. I’m not with him anymore. But me being single again doesn’t mean I want to be with you. Our time has passed, Caleb. We’re done.”
“No. Everything I said the other night was true. This has been building for a long time, Vi. This isn’t a rash decision for me. I’m ready to commit to you now. I’m ready to do whatever it takes to win you back.”
Oh, how I wish Dax had said those same words to me an hour ago in that hotel room.
“I know I hurt you,” Caleb continues. “I was young and stupid and drunk on my new fame. But I’m done with all that now. I see what I lost and I’ll do whatever it takes to get it back.”
I take Caleb’s hands. He looks so sincere. So beautiful and tragic. “The issue isn’t me not believing you. I do. You say you’ve changed? I truly believe you. But I’ve changed, too. That’s the thing you’re not factoring in. When you loved me, I worshipped the ground you walked on, Caleb. I followed you around like a puppy. We both knew I was at your mercy. And that’s not a healthy relationship.”
“I want a healthy relationship. I’m ready.”
I take a deep breath, suddenly feeling emotional. “Caleb, the girl you’re remembering doesn’t exist anymore. We didn’t have a healthy love, Caleb. It sucked me dry.”
“We can have one now. I’m sick of being worshipped. I swear. I want someone to push back. To keep me in check. Please, Violet. You get me like nobody else does. You always tell me the truth.”
I close my eyes. “When we were together, I was broken. I thought clutching onto you for dear life, and having you hold me so tight I couldn’t breathe, meant you were putting me back together. But the truth is you weren’t giving me enough space to glue my broken pieces back together. You were clutching me so tight, my pieces were being ground into sand.”
He looks distraught. “I don’t understand. What does that mean?”
I touch his beard tenderly. “It means we’re not good for each other. That’s what I’m saying. You were my first love and I’ll always love you. But our broken pieces don’t fit together like a jigsaw puzzle, Caleb—they rub and grind in all the wrong ways. I’ve had a lot of therapy since I was with you, and I’ve figured out who I am. Who I want to be. You want the girl you remember, but she doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t want her to exist.”
He touches my hair and the look of anguish on his face almost makes me want to kiss it away. Almost. “I want the girl you are now,” he says, his voice awash in pain. “You’re saying you’ve become a strong, independent woman? Well, that’s what I want. I’ve had enough of groupies. Of girls saying only what I want to hear. I want someone to want me for me. Someone I can trust.”
I smile. “And there’s no doubt in my mind you’ll find her one day, if that’s truly what you want. But she won’t be me. I’ll always love you, Caleb, for all the firsts. For how it felt to watch you take off like a rocket. I’ll always want the best for you. But I’m not in love with you, and I’m not going to be, ever again.”
His nostrils flare. He grits his teeth. “Because you’re in love with him.”
“He has nothing to do with it. I’m not in love with you.”
His jaw muscles pulse. “You love him.”
I pause. Will it give him closure to know I’m in his exact shoes? That I love someone who doesn’t want me, but I’m nonetheless forcing myself to move on, anyway, exactly the way he should? “Yes, I love him,” I admit. “But it doesn’t matter because he’s not in love with me. And now, I’m moving on. And so should you.”
If I thought my admission would inspire some sort of deep, philosophical epiphany for Caleb, I was dead wrong. He looks homicidal. “I’m not sure if I want to murder this asshole more for taking you away from me, or for not loving you the way you deserve. Either way, I want to fucking kill him.”
My phone on the coffee table rings with an incoming call. I look down, freaking out “DJ” might appear on the screen, and that, somehow, those two letters might tip Caleb off about Dax’s identity... but it’s not Dax calling me this time. It’s my mother.
“I’ve got to take this call,” I say. Truthfully, I could probably let Mom go to voicemail, but I feel like I need a break from this intense conversation.
“Is that him?” Caleb says, his voice sharp.
“It’s my mother.” I show him the screen bearing my mom’s name on it, to prove I’m telling the truth, and connect the call. “Hey, Mom.”
“I just heard some bad news,” she says. “I thought you’d want to know.”
Chapter 44
Dax
I shake hands with Reed and settle into a chair.
“The other goats aren’t coming?” Reed asks, leaning back into a big leather chair behind his desk.
“Fish and Colin will come to our next meeting. Hope that’s okay.”
“Yeah, of course. Just didn’t want you thinking I’m excluding them.”
I pull my acoustic guitar out of its case and begin tuning it. “I spent the morning with them. They know I’m here and that I’m playing you all my new songs. I have their full support.”
“Great. Can’t wait to hear what you’ve got for me.” He pulls a notepad from a drawer. “I think Owen’s around here somewhere today. How about we call him in here to—”
“No, not today. I’d prefer to do this meeting with only you, if that’s okay. We can let everyone else hear the new songs next time.”
Reed holds up his phone. “Mind if I record you, then? We’re gonna have some tight deadlines. I want to get the team going as quickly as possible.”
“Sure.”
Reed presses a button to begin recording and lays his phone on the edge of his desk. “Did you ever finish that song you were blocked on? The one you thought might be the lead-off single?”
“I did. But I wound up writing an even better one last night.”
“Holy shit, Dax. You’re on fire. Hang on. Let me write down the song titles real quick. We’ve got ‘Fireflies’...” Reed writes it on his notepad. “What was that second one you played for me the other day?”
“‘Ultra Violet Radiation.’”
“That’s right. Great song.” He writes the title onto his notepad. “What’s this next one called?”
I inhale deeply. With my next words, I’ll cross the point of no return. And I can’t fucking wait. “‘Caught Violet-Handed.’”
Reed looks up from his pad. His dark eyes register full understanding. His jaw pulses.
Quickly, without waiting for Reed to speak, I start playing the song. “You caught me violet-handed, baby, and now I’m drowning in blue. Not seeing red flags anymore, cuz all I see is you... You caught me Violet-handed, baby, and now I got them Violet blues...”
When I finish performing the full song, I immediately roll into playing the next one: “Hitwoman Elvis Disco Momma”—yet another song Reed will be able to attribute to Violet, assuming he remembers the “Elvis Reimagined” outfit Violet wore to his party.
After my disco song, I barrel into the next tune—“Ain’t No Shrinking Violet”—and follow that one up with “Girl with the Dragonfly Tattoo,” each song r
einforcing, in no uncertain terms, the identity of the girl I’m singing about. And, more importantly, how I feel about her.
Finally, I play Reed the song I wrote last night, after Violet left me and Kat was done dropping truth bombs on me. After my fifth call to Violet went to voicemail and my tenth text went unanswered. After I’d paced ten miles in my room and called down to get someone to clear out my entire minibar. A song called “Lucky Number.”
Not the dude wearing those
Stupid leather pants
Don’t like leather
Unless it’s on you
Skin tight, like glue
Show me every inch
Put ’em on so I can take ’em off
Never had blue hair
Or a child
Never loved a twin whose mother died
Not the sun or the moon
Just the fifth one who croons
Shuts himself away in his room
Feels all too human
All the time
Five
It’s where I come from
Who I am
Who I’ve always been
Five
My lucky number
Till I found you
Now my lucky number is two
Two
It’s where I’m goin’
But only with you
Only if I tell the truth
Two
Cuz I wanna be with you
My new lucky number
My lucky number is you
Not good at numbers
I leave that to Ry
Not the dude who dances
Or puts out the fires
Don’t float through life
Like a blonde kitty on a wire
Not a fish head
Losing my mind
Playing punk thrashers
In my garage at night
Five
It’s where I come from
Who I am
Who I’ve always been
Five
My lucky number
Till I found you
Now my lucky number is two
Two
It’s where I’m goin’
But only with you