by Roxie Ray
It was one of the reasons why I'd initially become so fixated on bats. They swooped down and ate the insects. They were my protectors early in life.
But there were no bats here now. Just me. And these damned bugs.
Was it just a coincidence? Or had Karaak somehow sensed my childhood loathing for these ghastly creatures? I didn't know, and at the moment, I was too busy pressing my lips shut and holding my hands over my ears to care.
So I wasn't prepared for the insects to start speaking to me.
Not “speaking,” really, so much as communicating. Millions of voices speaking as one. A hive mind, sibilant, buzzing inside my brain so loudly that the vibrations made me want to retch.
Food, food, food! Their tone was a mixture of curiosity and terrible eagerness. New food at last, yes, yes!
I tried swatting at them, but it was no use – they just kept coming relentlessly. I knew none of them had crawled into my mouth or ears, and they seemed too large to go up my nose (though I could feel a few of them trying). But somehow, I could still feel them burrowing into my brain, tunneling hungrily toward the most vital parts of my identity.
Psychic bugs. By the Succubi, I'd never encountered anything so horrid in my life.
But this one has no soul or self, the hive mind continued gleefully. He isn't a real man, just an insignificant piece of something much larger... like a single hair on the leg of a great spider. He cannot think or act on his own. He was a fool to believe that he ever could solve a mystery or love a mate.
I could feel myself being stripped down and consumed – not my outer body, but someplace deeper within, leaving me raw and exposed. What the hell were these things doing to me? How could I make them stop?
“Oh, make it stop, make it stop!” they mocked, clacking and chomping all around me. How many of your victims sobbed and whimpered and begged you to stop, in your countless decades of interrogation and assassination? How many of them tried to make you see them as people instead of just targets? And did you stop, or did you keep going? Weren't there times when you even... enjoyed their screams?
I shook my head violently. No. That wasn't true. I did what I had to do, what I was ordered to do, and only so I could protect Valkred and its people. I knew what I was, and what I wasn't. I was a spy, a soldier, not a sadist or a butcher.
You can lie to yourself all you want, little weapon, but you cannot lie to us. You liked being a tool in someone else's hand, carrying out their commands without question or hesitation, so that you could pretend you were not responsible for your actions... or the terrible joys you took in them. You willingly forfeited your own sense of identity or purpose, in exchange for permission to be your most violent self.
Were they right?
Had I spent all these years taking the easy way out – allowing others to choose my identity, my destiny, instead of forging them for myself? Perhaps once, I could have been a better man... one who lived out in the open and made his own decisions, forged his own code of honor, instead of skulking in the shadows and waiting to be told who to kill.
Suddenly, it all made perfect sense. My entire life had been a series of mistakes. I had practically begged to be conscripted and brainwashed, used and manipulated, until I didn't even know who I really was anymore... if I was anyone at all.
Yes! Now, at last, you are beginning to understand! The bugs were swarming over me with renewed eagerness. How could Paige possibly love someone who is little more than a mindless pawn, a living instrument of death? Do you honestly believe she could choose to be with you, once she learns the truth about the atrocious things you've done... and worse, taken pride in? How could you think that you could solve Karaak's mystery and find the strength to stand against him, when you have no mind to call your own? How could you think you'd actually be able to save her? You're not a savior! You're nothing but a killer!
Those last words penetrated deep enough to reach me, to snap me back into focus.
I would save Paige.
No matter what these thrice-damned insects had to say about it.
Paige believed in me. I had promised to take her away from Karcerikus, and by all the stars in the heavens, that was what I was going to do. And my life had not been a series of mistakes. Not if every choice I'd ever made somehow brought me to this place, this moment, where I had finally met the woman I was fated to be with.
Every action I'd taken – even the bloodiest ones – had been in service to something larger and more important than myself. There were millions of innocents on Valkred who could sleep soundly and go about their daily lives, never knowing that the missions I'd carried out had saved their lives and those of their families and friends.
I shouldered that burden for them every day. I was proud of that. I had every reason to be.
Yes, perhaps there had been a few times – more than I'd wanted to admit – when I'd taken too much joy from the darker aspects of my assignments. But I kept that part of myself under tight control, and made it work for me when needed. I didn't let it run amok, didn't let it define me or turn me into a monster.
I was Surge, a loyal warrior of Valkred. And no one could take that away from me... least of all a bunch of grubby bugs who couldn't shut the hell up.
I clung to my sense of self stubbornly. They wouldn't break me or weaken my resolve.
I wouldn't let them.
Trying to grow a carapace of your own to keep us out, eh? The insects sounded mildly annoyed and disappointed. Very well. This dimension is our nest, after all, and we are nothing if not patient.
I held tight, clutching the memory of Paige... knowing it would give me the strength and focus I'd need to resist the bugs' psychic assault until I could find a way out of this seg cell.
14
Paige
When I returned to unit seven after my shift in the infirmary, I looked around for Surge but couldn't find him. I saw a group of Sives milling around and went to them, asking if they'd seen Hakkas.
They exchanged uncomfortable looks.
“Word is, he bribed Korkos to bring him down to the seg cells,” Kelso grumbled, spitting on the floor. “Probably thought he was bein' pretty damn smart, trying to talk to the Lunian chick they keep down there... get some kinda knowledge that'd keep him on top in here. 'Cept Karaak found out. He killed Korkos, then locked Hakkas in one of the cells an' left 'im there.”
I felt the color drain from my face. The thought of Surge being tormented in one of those nightmarish pocket dimensions... “For how long?”
Kelso shrugged. “Shit, I dunno. Forever, maybe. No inmate's ever been caught sneakin' around down there, so my guess is, the warden's gonna make one hell of an example of him. Keep anyone else from gettin' the same idea.”
My heart sank into my boots. There was no way for me to get to him down there, no way for me to save him without being caught and derailing his entire mission in the process. No matter how much it hurt for me to think of him down there, I couldn't afford to do anything reckless.
I had to stay strong for him. I had to do whatever I could to support him.
And at this point, the best thing I could come up with was making sure that if he was released, the gang he'd had to take over as part of his cover was still loyal to him. If they chose this moment to turn on him, it would be one more thing standing between him and the success of his mission – and if the mission didn't succeed, we wouldn't be able to leave this awful place together.
Or at all.
Inwardly, though, I was filled with terror, and my stomach felt like it was full of knives. Surge had seemed so certain that every phase of our plan would work – that we'd be leaving this place soon. I'd taken so many risks for him, put so much faith in him, pushed aside so much fear and uncertainty in favor of believing in him.
What if it all turned out to be for nothing?
What if Karaak found out how deeply I'd been involved in Surge's mission and chose to punish me? There'd be no one to stand in his way. I'd be doomed to an even
worse horror than I'd already lived since I'd first been brought here.
“So how are the other Sives taking it?” I asked, trying to sound casual.
“About as well as you can expect,” Kelso drawled. “These guys ain't too good at behavin' themselves when they're suddenly devoid of leadership. Half of 'em are fightin' among themselves 'bout who's gonna be the new boss, an' the other half are ready to go back to followin' Umel.”
“That drugged-out, pathetic asshole?” I couldn't believe my ears. “They'd go back to kissing his ass, after the beating he took from – Hakkas?” I almost said Surge. Damn it. I had to be more careful.
“Hey, he ain't exactly the ideal choice, but at least he's got experience runnin' things. Most of these Sives need someone, anyone, to take orders from. Someone who reassures 'em that the rax an' goodies are gonna keep comin', an' that the jailers'll keep 'em off the terraforming manifests.”
My mind raced, trying to come up with a viable solution. “So what about us?”
Kelso raised a scarred, bushy eyebrow skeptically. “What about us?”
“I've still got access to the same supply lines Hakkas had,” I lied. The truth was, I had no way of knowing who he contacted about bringing things in, or how he'd reached them. All I could do was wait, and hope that the next shipment of medical supplies contained the same amount of rax and contraband. “And you're one of the toughest Sives in this whole prison.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere, young lady,” Kelso replied dryly. “You seriously think the two of us can run this whole gang? How much rax you been smokin'?”
“I'm not saying we'd take it over for good,” I explained. “We can just keep a lid on things, keep the guys calm and under control, until Hakkas gets back. And if it turns out he's not coming back, well, then we can come up with something more permanent. Sound good?”
He thought it over for a moment, and then grinned. “Tell you what. How 'bout you tell me exactly how Hakkas was bringin' all that stuff in without bein' caught. That'll give me proof that you can be trusted, an' give me an idea of whether the framework we're dealin' with here is solid enough. If so, I'll work with you, yeah?”
“No deal,” I answered flatly. Even if I had known how the contraband shipments were arranged, the last thing I'd have done was tell him. “You think I'm stupid? The second you know how the stuff's getting in, you'll cut me out completely and throw me to the fucking wolves. Fuck that.
“You want a reason to trust me? How about the fact that we both come from the same damn planet, huh? How about the fact that we're both Earthlings surrounded by aliens – most of whom are twice as big and strong as we are – so we should be watching each other's backs in here?”
Kelso's grin vanished, his weathered face shifting into a scowl. “Hey. Lady. If you think I'm gonna show you come kinda special loyalty just 'cause we both come from the same mudball of a homeworld, you'd better come back to fucking reality. I left my humanity behind a long goddamn time ago, so save that 'shared heritage' talk for someone who gives a shit. You want my support? You wanna keep the troops in line while your loverboy is havin' his mind torn apart? Cool, let me in on your smuggling secrets an' we'll talk.”
I folded my arms over my chest, hoping I could act tough enough to bluff him. “Not a chance.”
He let out a humorless laugh. “Suit yourself. Guess we'll just have to watch these Sives dogpile on each other an' see who ends up comin' out on top. Fair warning, though: Whoever it is, I'm bettin' they've got some mighty fun stuff planned for your cute little blonde ass. 'Specially Umel. That dude is desperate for another bite at the apple... so to speak, heh.”
The other Sives standing around him guffawed, and I turned my back on them, heading for my cell just as the alarm honked for count. Suzanne and I stood side by side, waiting for our numbers to be called so we could hustle inside before the bars slammed shut for the night.
More and more, the outcome I'd counted on – escape from Karcerikus, a life on Valkred with Surge – was seeming impossibly out of reach. I wanted to believe that Surge would be released from the seg cells eventually, or that he'd somehow find a way to escape them and come back to reassure me that all would be well.
But how long could I cling to that frail hope, when everything around me seemed intent on snuffing it out?
Kelso may have been a crude piece of shit, but I knew he wasn't wrong about the other Sives. Eventually, one of them would emerge as the new boss. And whoever it was, there was almost no chance they'd respect the arrangements I'd had with Umel and “Hakkas.” Best-case scenario, they'd withdraw their protection from me completely, leaving me alone in a prison full of hostile animals and letting the jailers
Worst-case scenario, they'd drain my blood, or...
No. I couldn't let myself think of that. There had to be a way out of this. There had to.
I wished I could safely rely on the goodwill I'd earned from the other inmates by stitching up their wounds and curing their diseases. And sure, maybe a handful of them might choose to leave me unmolested out of gratitude. But would they risk their own necks to save mine? Would they intervene if a whole gang, like the Carnage Riders, decided to attack me one day just for fun?
Somehow, I doubted it.
I sank down on my bunk with a sigh. I hadn't felt this scared and alone, this exposed, since I'd first been brought to Karcerikus. I hadn't loved being beholden to the Sives, but at least I'd felt some sense of belonging, knowing they were watching my back every day – even if it was just so I could patch their injuries and steal pills from the clinic for them.
With Surge, I had felt a more genuine connection, as though he was the missing half of me that I'd been searching for my whole life without realizing it. It was the last thing I'd expected to find in a hellhole like this, but now that I had, I felt like clinging to it tighter than I'd ever held onto anything before.
Now I'd lost both. I was out in the cold again, just like I had been for most of my life.
Maybe it would have been better for me if I'd never allowed myself to believe in the rosy future Surge had outlined for me. Maybe I should have just accepted my fate a long time ago. There was no one left to stand with me, and I wasn't strong enough to stand on my own, like Sharon or Suzanne.
As though she'd been reading my thoughts, Suzanne sat on the bunk next to me, putting her hand over mine. “I know what you're going through,” she said kindly, “and I promise I'll do everything I can to help you out. But if I said there was a lot I could do for you, that'd be a lie. The guys in here like me because I'm a novelty with all my daredevil piloting shit, and because of that, they mostly leave me alone. If they decide to come after you for real, though...”
“I know. I wouldn't want you to get hurt trying to protect me. I'll be fine. Don't worry.”
She nodded, and then hopped into her own bunk as the lights shut off up and down the cell block, plunging us all into total darkness. A few minutes later, I heard the scraping noises coming from below me, and tried to ignore them so I could get some sleep. I knew I should have been worried about Karaak coming to invade my dreams, but I was too damn tired to care.
As it turned out, I had every reason to be frightened. Because that night, the warden did come to me in my sleep.
You are far more intelligent than I would have guessed, Paige Hudson of Earth.
Karaak's voice seemed to come from everywhere, from the hollows inside my own bones, the coldness of his tone making my teeth rattle and my skin rise in goosebumps. I was three years old again, in the two-room shack I'd shared with my father.
And he was here. My dad. He hadn't left me yet.
He was about to, though.
I could see his legs, the ragged seams of his trousers, his large hands swinging at his sides as he headed for the door one last time. He left a wide wake of aftershave trailing after him, along with some scent that was deeper, more primal, a smell that was just... him.
I opened my mouth, silently begging him to
stay, to forgive me for whatever I'd done to make him so unhappy that he would leave me to fend for myself in such an ugly world.
The words didn't come.
But still, he stopped, frozen in his tracks. Waiting for me to say the right things, to convince him not to abandon me this time. I was so terribly small, and he towered over me like a giant. Would my words even travel that far, up to his ears? Or would they fall back down in my face? How could I make him stay? How could I make him love me?
He never loved you, Paige. Neither did Hakkas... he only told you what you wanted to hear, used you for his own ends. No one has ever truly noticed you or cared about you.
But all of that can change, if you wish.
Dad looked down on me from an impossible height, and his eyes glowed with malicious yellow light. His chin was blue with stubble just like it had always been, but when he smiled, I saw rows of cruel pointed teeth. He reached down, offering me his huge hand.
You can finally belong to something larger than yourself, Paige. You don't need to be alone anymore.
You're the reason I'm alone in the first place, you fucking monster, I thought, unsure of whether I was talking to my father or Karaak or both. You're the reason I've suffered so much, lived in terror and uncertainty for so long. And now you say you're going to give me what I've always wanted? Why the hell should I believe you, huh?
Because I've been inside your mind, you heart, deeper than anyone ever has before. You find meaning in helping and healing those who are in need. But in all your years of life, how much have you truly accomplished? You've gone from treating the maladies of the rich and worthless on Earth to bandaging the wounds of the galaxy's most depraved scum on Karcerikus. One day, you will die. And when you look back on the handful of pathetically insignificant “good deeds” you have wrought, you will still be all alone.