Ride the High Lonesome

by Rosanne Bittner

  “Bonnie was young and not the patient type,” he continued. “I didn’t blame her, but my brother knew I loved her. He’s the one who, in my eyes, committed the ultimate betrayal. It would have been bad enough if the man she married had just been a friend or acquaintance, but being my own brother, that cut like a knife. I did a lot of drinking after that. A lot of drinking.”

  Luke didn’t look at her the whole time. He reached for a flask of whiskey and poured some over the wound. Kate flinched and jerked her leg.

  “Sorry,” Luke told her. “By the firelight, your leg doesn’t look too bad. I think it’s healing okay.” He slugged down some of the whiskey himself, then began wrapping fresh gauze around her leg, his touch gentle, and the feel of his big hands on her leg and foot disturbingly erotic. Kate considered the strange relationship they had. They were strangers, acquaintances, friends, rescuers of each other, dependent on each other in many ways, yet each probably capable of going on without the other.

  “I’m sorry about what happened with Bonnie,” Kate told him. Now I know why you try to remain distant. You’ve decided never to love or trust a woman again.

  Luke shrugged as he tied off the fresh gauze. “Just explaining that I understand foolish,” he said. “Foolish is trusting your heart to someone else. It’s okay to trust me to watch out for you and get you where you’re going, Kate. Just don’t trust me any more than that. It’s easy to turn to a stranger when you’re feeling scared and alone. You’ll feel better when I get you to Lander, and you can be around other people.”

  Don’t even think about having feelings for me. Kate knew that’s what he really meant. What happened with Bonnie had turned him against bothering to care about someone else too much. He finished bandaging her foot, then sat down beside her and lit a cigarette. Kate waited. She’d struck a nerve and sensed she shouldn’t say anything.

  “I left home and headed west because this is where a lot of men were heading after the war,” he told her before taking a deep drag on the cigarette. “I landed in these parts and kind of liked the fact that a man can be himself out here and not answer to another man or even the law. When I first got here, I wasn’t feeling very law-abiding, if you know what I mean, so I stayed, got in a few fights out of my own deep-seated anger, narrowly missed getting myself shot dead in a gunfight, worked for different men, learned who could and couldn’t be trusted. When you found me, I’d cured myself of drinking and fighting. I was meaning to go on west and settle…try to live like a normal man ought to live, but I’m not sure I’m capable of ever living that way again.”

  Kate fingered a button on her flannel nightgown. “You’re saying that after my own bad experiences and all that’s happened to me out here, I shouldn’t trust my feelings.”

  “Something like that.”

  Don’t make a fool of yourself, Kate Winters. Kate pretended a smile. “Well, I don’t know where in God’s name this place is or if I’ll live through the winter, but maybe by spring, I’ll have my senses back. Right now, I feel like I’m not living in the real world anymore.” She wiped at the remaining tears on her cheeks.

  Luke touched her arm. “I’ll get you to Oregon like I promised, Kate. We just have to wait out the winter first, probably in Lander. I told you that you could trust me to get you where you need to go, and you can.”

  But by then I could depend on you—maybe love you—too much to part ways, Kate thought. “I know, and I appreciate that.” And I’m older than the kind of woman you will want if and when you decide to settle again. Kate sensed he was thinking the same but didn’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her. A younger woman could give him the children he wanted. She wasn’t even sure she could have children. After almost two years with Rodney before he left for the war, she’d never conceived. Now she was older.

  She laid down, pulling a blanket over herself. “I’m sorry I acted like such a child earlier,” she told him. “I think I’ll try to sleep. I’m not really hungry.”

  “You mean you don’t want me to cook that rabbit I shot earlier?” Luke asked, rising.

  “Not really. If those men are cooking something down there, it’s okay with me if you want to go and share some of it. Just be careful, Luke. I’m not so sure I’d be all that safe if something happened to you. That’s why I got so upset when I heard that gunshot.” She was not about to tell him it was because she feared she was falling in love with him and would be devastated if she lost him.

  “Well, as long as you don’t mind, I think I will go on down there,” he told her. “It’s a warm night, nice for sitting out under the stars sharing man talk—things your ears shouldn’t hear.”

  “I’m sure I shouldn’t.”

  Luke chuckled and proceeded to clean up the old bandages. He threw them onto the fire, then repacked the rest of the clean gauze. He built up the fire yet again and picked up his rifle. “You sure you’ll be okay?” he asked Kate.

  “Yes,” she said. “You deserve a break from constantly caring for me, and from that very hard trip to Lander and back. Just be careful of those men.”

  Luke nodded. “You need to stop worrying about me. I’ve been taking care of myself out here for a long time.”

  He left, and Kate noticed he took the flask of whiskey with him. Probably to forget about Bonnie, she thought. She figured he was a good man, meaning to settle and provide for a family before the war. How many men returned home to heartbreak when the war ended? And how could that woman betray Luke like she had? It had left him unable to trust any woman. She would not again make the mistake of letting Luke Bowden know she was developing feelings for him.

  Seventeen

  Luke stayed with Hank and his men at their campfire all night. Kate heard plenty of laughter and hooting and whistles, and she wondered just how different Luke was from the rest of them. Maybe he’d chosen to stay with them to keep a better eye on them. But Kate didn’t doubt he’d also enjoyed it and had drunk plenty of whiskey. She awoke to sunlight and the sound of several horses riding off.

  So, they left with no trouble, as promised. A few minutes later, Luke came inside the cave carrying something wooden in his hand. Kate met his gaze and noticed his eyes were bloodshot. “Too much whiskey?”

  Luke smiled sheepishly. “You might say that. I won some money playing cards, though.” He stepped closer, setting what looked like a saw horse beside Kate. It wasn’t the normal size of a saw horse, but rather only about eighteen inches long and roughly the height of her waist, from what she could tell.

  “What’s that?” Kate asked.

  “Hank had a whole wagon full of supplies, including some lumber for framing a couple of his cabin windows. I talked him into selling me three long boards, and I made this for you, using Hank’s tools and nails.”

  Kate frowned. “Whatever for?”

  “You can use it to walk.” He reached out. “Let me help you up, and I’ll show you.”

  Still confused, Kate reached up and took his hands with hers, secretly enjoying their warmth and strength.

  “Just use your right leg to push yourself up,” he warned. He pulled her up as though she were as light as a two-year-old. “Now, hang on to the middle of the saw horse.”

  Kate grasped the saw horse, and Luke stood back. “See? You can lean on that. Move it forward with each step and use it to support yourself when you need to walk outside. Just step real light on that left leg. This way, you can go out and do what you need to do for yourself. You can even use this thing when you need something to hang on to in order to squat down. It will help you get some exercise, too, and that will help build up the strength in that leg.”

  Kate lifted the saw horse and moved it slightly forward, then took a step. “Luke, however did you think of this?”

  Luke shrugged. “The boys and I talked about how if you just had something to hang on to, you could start walking on your own. Of course, they all said ther
e was nothing wrong with me having to haul you around in my arms.”

  Kate met his gaze, embarrassed by the remark. Was he afraid to keep holding her in his arms? Afraid they might get too close? She watched him lovingly, without even realizing at first that he probably saw the admiration in her eyes. “Thank you, Luke,” she said softly. “It was kind of you to think of this.”

  Their gazes held for a moment, words unspoken. Luke suddenly turned away and walked around her. He knelt to stir the fire and pulled a sack of fresh coffee grounds from his stash of supplies. “Don’t be thinking I’m all that kind and respectful,” he said defensively. “I deliberately stayed down with those men last night because I did drink too much, and I was afraid I’d get wrong thoughts if I came up here and saw you sleeping…that pretty red hair spilling over that saddle. I might have done something to offend you, and that would have made the rest of our trip pretty damn uncomfortable. A man sometimes gets wild ideas when he drinks. I didn’t think it would be fair to you to hear my whiskey talk, and that’s all it would have been—whiskey talk.”

  Heaven forbid you should say something you would regret in the morning, Kate thought, because the whiskey words wouldn’t be truthful…and the truth is, you have no particularly romantic feelings for me. I don’t blame you.

  She had to respect the fact that he’d realized whiskey might have made him do or say something offensive. At least he cared enough to avoid hurting her, either physically or emotionally. And maybe what they’d talked about last night had caused Luke to start thinking about the very things he’d vowed never to feel again.

  “Perhaps when we begin the next step of our journey, you should leave the whiskey in your saddlebags,” she warned. “After all we’ve been through, I wouldn’t want to have to turn around and shoot you.”

  “And I don’t aim to get shot,” Luke answered, grinning. He walked outside and dumped out the old coffee, then came back in and filled the rusting porcelain coffee pot with water. “Why don’t you practice with that thing and see if you can walk outside with it and take care of personals,” he told Kate. “I’ll heat you a pan of water and then turn the horses out to graze and take care of my own business—give you time to put on a real dress and underthings. I’m sure you’ll feel better if you can do that much. Is that leg good enough to step on lightly?”

  “I think so.” It almost irritated Kate that he always seemed to think of the right things—that he knew what a woman needed. He was being too good to her, and that didn’t help her erase fond feelings for him. She slowly limped out of the cave and into the warm morning light, wondering when the weather might suddenly turn wicked again. She took care of business, as Luke had put it, and went back inside to smell coffee brewing. Luke stood up and took some things from his supplies, carrying them over to her. He laid a package wrapped in brown paper beside her bedroll, then stood near her.

  “There are two dresses there. I hope they fit. I didn’t bother with slips—figured they would just be in the way on our trip to Lander.” He shrugged. “Anyway, you have two dresses to choose from. Personally, I think the blue one would look best with that red hair.”

  Kate looked up at him…so tall, rugged, and sure…but she smelled whiskey on his breath, and that made her wary. How often did he still drink in an ordinary day? And what did whiskey do to him? He’d kept away from it in the short time they had been together, but apparently last night he’d given in to his demons.

  She turned away. Why couldn’t she fight this attraction, especially since he didn’t feel the same about her? And if he didn’t care about her all that much, why had he mentioned that the blue dress would look good with her red hair? He’d called her a handsome woman, and he’d seen things he shouldn’t. His touch and his compliments left her totally confused.

  “I very much appreciate the dresses.” Kate noticed he’d set a pan of warm water beside her things, as well as a towel. So thoughtful, yet still so unpredictable and difficult to understand.

  “I’ll go tend the horses,” he told her. He picked up his rifle and gunny sack of his own supplies and left. Kate quickly washed, enjoying the feel of being clean, especially in private places. She hurriedly pulled on bloomers and hooked a camisole around her middle. It was a little big, but it worked well enough. She’d always thought her breasts were too small, and she wondered if Luke had looked at them and thought the same thing, since he’d bought a camisole with small cups.

  Dear God. She cringed at the thought and wondered if she would ever get over the constant humiliation of knowing what Luke Bowden had seen. She chose the blue dress and slipped it over her head, deciding she just had to stop letting her embarrassment get in the way of common sense. She buttoned the front of the dress, then wondered if she’d subconsciously chosen the blue one because Luke said he preferred that one.

  She finished buttoning it almost angrily. Don’t be a fool! she told herself. She folded the other dress—a soft green one with a yellow flowered print.

  “I’m coming in,” Luke yelled from outside a good half hour later. “Is it okay?”

  “I have little left to hide from you,” Kate answered.

  Luke ducked inside, then paused, looking her over appreciatively. “I was right,” he said. “Blue looks good on you.”

  “Thank you. I’ll find a way to pay you back for all these clothes.”

  “I already told you it’s not necessary. You saved me from a hanging, remember?”

  “Well, not exactly saved you from a hanging. You’d already been hanged. I just made sure it didn’t kill you.”

  Luke laughed softly as he placed a black frypan on the fire. He brought a small wooden barrel closer and used a wooden spoon to dig through the lard inside of it, then began pulling out strips of bacon. He laid them into the frypan. “I guess you’re right,” he told her. “The hanging still took place. You just made sure its purpose wasn’t realized.”

  Kate began twisting her hair around her head, securing it with the combs Luke had bought for her. “How did you think of all these things?” she asked him. “Combs, skin cream, soap. You even got me cheek rouge.”

  Luke answered sheepishly. “The same women who helped me pick out the right size clothes suggested the other things. And if something happens and you end up going to Lander alone, remember the woman who runs that rooming house is named Nora Keil. She’ll let you stay out the winter there. You mention my name and she’ll find some reputable men to get you to Oregon. She knows everybody in town.”

  Did you sleep with her? Kate wanted to ask. She hated to realize that her thoughts brought feelings of tremendous jealousy.

  “And no, I didn’t sleep with her,” Luke said, as though to read her mind. He turned the bacon.

  “I… I never asked—”

  “I know what you were wondering.” Luke met her gaze. “Kate, I was worried about you. I got back here as fast as I could, which means I didn’t have time for the pleasures of life. I got those men and my money. I hurried up and bought all these supplies, and got the extra horses from the stables. I cleaned up and slept a little, in those same stables, and I left before dawn to get back here. That’s the God’s truth.”

  Kate looked away. “It’s really none of my business.” He was clean-shaven and looked wonderful. She turned to watch him set some biscuits near the fire to warm them.

  “I just want you to know I’m not the kind of man who thinks he has a right to expect some kind of payment from a woman he’s helped,” he said. “I want you to feel safe around me.” He sat down on his bedroll and lit a cigarette. “We should leave soon as we can. We can decide our next step when we get to Lander. You need a real room under a roof and a real bed to sleep in. There might even be a doctor in Lander who can look at that leg.” He poured Kate a cup of coffee and handed it out.

  Kate sat down on her bedroll and took the coffee. “What really happened in Lander, Luke, when you went af
ter those men who hanged you?”

  Luke took a deep drag on the cigarette. “I got lucky, that’s what. I found my cattle in the stockyards and figured the men who hanged me were most likely in one of the saloons with the women who ply their trade upstairs.” He exhaled completely. “I found them, all right, and if not for a wanted man named Jake Harkner, I’d be dead. He was sitting right there at one of the card tables when I shot one of those men who’d been sitting at the same table. Almost the same time my shot went off, Harkner fired his .44, and a second man fell from the balcony. The son of a bitch was fixing to shoot me in the back, but Harkner stopped him.”

  “Why did he help you?”

  Luke shook his head. “I don’t even know. He believed my story, I guess—didn’t like the fact that those men tried to hang me. He’s an outlaw through and through, but he’s also a fair man. He even has a family waiting for him in California. Can you believe that?”

  “Out here I’d believe anything.”

  Luke drank down some coffee while the bacon cooked. “We’ll run into plenty more strangers out here, Kate, men you meet one day and then never see again. Harkner and a friend of his helped me raid another saloon and find the other two men. I killed both of them myself, dug through their pockets and got my money back. I sold my cattle to a butcher who said the people in Lander could use the meat for the winter. But I kept Scout.” He drew on his cigarette before continuing. “I’m still real sorry about what you went through with Buck.”

  Kate sipped her coffee. “You couldn’t have known.” She studied him a moment. “It didn’t bother you? Killing those men?”

  “No. I hate thieves. I guess there was a time when it would have bothered me, but not anymore. They didn’t care what happened to me, so I didn’t care what happened to them. Others in town just dragged them outside and went on about their business. That’s how it is out here. I’ll never see Harkner again, but I hope he can get his family back and live in peace. He was headed for Colorado to look for work. We’ll never see Hank and his men again either. Nothing lasts in this part of the country. There are a few true settlers out here, but most men here are on their way someplace else, or just hiding out for a while. I’m one of them.”