by W Winters
It’s hard edges and darkness are at complete odds with the bed itself, which is plush and littered with small cream pillows decorated with crystals and embroidery that my fingers long to touch.
“I made it for you,” Jay says softly and I turn to him, not knowing what to say.
“Everything you need is here. I brought what you needed from your old place, too.”
Your old place. The words make a chill travel down my spine, but I ignore it, letting my body move through the room, opening the drawers to the armoire and seeing my own things alongside others Jay’s bought for me.
“I had to take your phone though and your computer, for obvious reasons.”
“People will start to question-” I start to tell him, but he cuts me off.
“I’ve taken care of it.” He sets down the object he’s been playing with in his hands and its only then that I see what it is. It’s a wooden owl, a trinket I got from my mom back in college. I watch him place it back on the dresser, exactly where it sat on my dresser at home. “If they text you, they’ll get a message about you being on vacation and in an area with little reception. An email will get them the same thing.”
“Take a look around, Robin. This is your new home, at least for a little while.” My blood chills as he adds, “Your sabbatical is for eight weeks.” I start to think about everyone who might call. My parents, maybe. My mom calls once a month. Other than her, possibly Karen. But this wouldn’t be the first time I ghosted. They won’t stop trying though. They’ll come for me. The thought makes me tear my eyes away from Jay. I grip the bedpost as I try to calm myself.
I’m staying. I’ve already decided, and this changes nothing. I swallow the fears and take in the rest of the room, very aware of how Jay’s eyes follow me.
My feet sink into the woven cream carpet as I walk toward the far wall.
There are curved shutters on the wall painted in a pale blue. Two sets of them that are shut and line up perfectly to form the shape of a leaf, the tips meeting in the very center.
They’re exactly what I described to Jay so long ago. Like the shutters in the castle of my fairytale. My feet move of their own accord and I slide my fingers over the slats of painted wood and slowly open them. But behind them is nothing.
Not the mountains and green fields that I could see in the living room. Just the flat wall.
* * *
My fingers tremble as I close the shutters and slowly turn to Jay.
This is my room, and it’s a prison of my own making.
Chapter 13
Jay
My eyes follow her as she moves, almost like she did the first night I saw her. She looked around the barren basement back then with different expectations.
My little bird likes her gilded cage, but she’s not a fool. She knows that’s exactly what it is. Seeing her here in my clothes, in the room I made just for her… it makes me want more.
I swallow as my blood heats and I watch her close the shutters.
“The bathroom is through here,” I tell her, and she turns quickly to face me. I hate myself for bricking over the windows. She loved looking outside, but that was all she did, pined for freedom and somewhere else to go. I can’t have that here. I can’t give her any bit of it. I won’t tempt her to leave me. She’s already proven that I can’t trust her. She ran the first chance she got. I knew she would.
She walks carefully toward me as I gesture to the door across the hallway. I let her pass me, following my instruction and getting a faint hint of her scent. That sweet floral is still there, but she needs to be bathed.
My dick hardens as I walk behind her, watching as she grips the oil rubbed bronze doorknob to the bathroom but then looks back at me for permission. My head nods on its own, somehow able to function even though internally I’m tortured by what I’m doing to her.
The light brightens the room and reflects off of the white marble tile. Everything is white and sterile in the bathroom, except for the black penny tile arranged in an ordered fashion on the floor. Even the curtain to the claw foot tub is a simple white.
She lets her fingers glide along the granite counter to the sink and I take a step through the door to get in with her. My blood heats as I close the space between us and she turns around to face me, surprised.
I’ll give her what she needs, and she’ll give me what I need.
“You need a bath,” I tell her simply as I shut the door behind me. Her eyes flick to the doorknob and then back to me as she takes a step behind her.
“Jay?” she asks. She’s always said my name like that. Like she’s asking for permission, for comfort, for anything and everything when she breathes my name. Because what I say is true to her. There is only what my answer is and she will believe it with everything she has. There’s so much power in how she expresses it. So much weakness in her voice.
“Yes?” I ask her, feigning nonchalance as I lean against the sink. I cross my arms and wait for her to say what’s on her mind. I wait for her to address the fact that I desperately want to fuck her.
She can barely breathe as she stands in front of me.
“I’ve seen you plenty of times, Robin,” I finally admit to her. I watch her eyes as I tell her, “I’ve come to your house a few times.” I wait for her reaction. I expect fear or disgust, or maybe some mix of both. But she merely nods and slowly pushes the pants down her legs.
The bathroom is small and the sound of the pajama pants bunching and pooling around her legs and then at her feet fills the room. It's all I can hear along with the thumping of my heart. She’s hesitant to take off the shirt though. Her fingers play along the hem and she looks back at me with nothing but insecurities.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Robin.” I hate that she would ever think that. Her eyes remain skeptical, and she doesn’t make a move to take it off. “There was only one time I ever wanted to hurt you.”
That gets a reaction from her, but it’s not one I want. It takes me a moment before I even realize how she’s taken it.
I clear my throat and grit my teeth as my hand goes to the back of my head and I try to explain. “I was there that night when you took the bottle of pills and swallowed them.”
“I’ve never been so angry, Robin.” My breathing picks up as I remember. By the time I ran around to the front of her house and broke in, she was already throwing up in the bathroom.
“You saw?” she asks softly. She covers her face and turns away from me. She shakes her head softly and the need to comfort and hold her takes over, but as soon as I approach, she turns around and takes a step backward.
I tell her as I take a step forward, “I’m not angry with you anymore.” Her shoulders rise and fall as she waits for my next move.
She’s my prey, small and scared. And trapped.
But I think she likes it this way. I think I’m her predator of choice.
“You were alone, and you carry so much guilt with you that isn’t fair.”
I wrap my hand around her waist as her legs hit the toilet and her hand brushes against the closed curtain to the tub. My blunt fingernails dig in as I pull her close to me. At first her hands come up, ready to brace her palms against my chest. But she knows better, and she quickly grabs on to the bit of her shirt on her upper thighs.
I let her chest hit me and hold her gaze as she stares into my eyes. “Robin,” I lick my lips and then tell her, “I’ve wanted so much from you for so long.”
I close my eyes as the years pass before me. My concern growing into an obsession. I open them to find her hazel eyes swirled with desire. Her breathing in short pants.
I lower my lips to her neck and whisper, “I don’t want to wait any longer.”
Robin reaches up just as the words slip past my lips. My initial instinct is to grab her, to force her back and pin her down. To protect myself. But her fingers spear through my hair and she crashes her lips against mine before I can admonish her. Her eyes are closed as she kisses me with longing, sweet and slow, b
ut also a desperation that matches my own. I splay my hand along her back and trail my fingers up her thigh and over the dip of her waist. Her lips soften as I move my hand to her neck, my thumb brushing along her jaw.
I’ve dreamed of this moment for so long.
Her breath is hot and mingles with my own as I feel her soft skin, letting my hands roam freely and relaxing my grip on her. Her touch is soft, as I knew it would be. She’s gentle but needy. Greedy, even. I pull back slightly and she lets me, but she’s slow to open her eyes. She doesn’t want it to stop. The thought makes my dick twitch and I grip her hips and move her ass to sit on the counter. Like the good girl she is, she parts her legs for me and I nestle my hips between her thighs.
“I want you, Jay,” she whispers the words like a confession. Her eyes are still closed, and I can see how much it pains her to admit it. It’s because I’m broken. She thinks this is wrong when it’s the only thing that feels right.
I brush the tip of my nose along hers, waiting for her to look at me. She’s out of breath and her eyes are a mix of emotions. She needs me as much as I need her.
I cup her chin in my hand and brush my thumb along her lower lip. “I would give anything to have all of you,” I admit to her with absolute truth.
“Will you let me touch you?” she asks me, and my heart stops.
It’s only my chest where I don’t like being touched. I can still feel my father’s hands slamming against me over and over. Pushing me backward. I don’t fight it. I let him because if I don’t, it’s so much worse.
My blood rushes in my ears as I nod my head once. I should’ve guessed it was coming. I suppose in a lot of ways it was, because I’m ready for it. I want her to do what she wants to me. And I to her.
“I know I need this,” I tell her. I’m so fucking aware of how damaged I am. “I don’t want to be like this,” I whisper and then pull the shirt over my head. The thin cotton slides up my back and over my shoulders until I’m facing her with nothing to hide me. Her eyes focus on my chest and dance along the faint scars.
They aren’t horrible to look at, mostly faded from the two decades of time between now and then.
I can hear her breathe as she moves closer to me. She peeks up at me and I can almost hear my name on her lips. Asking me for permission, but I nod before she can do it. “Go ahead,” I tell her with my shoulders squared. I may be broken, but I want to be fixed. I want her touch in every way.
Her hand shakes just over my chest. So close I can already feel the heat from her. I brace myself for it. For her touch. I want it more than anything. I want to feel her fingertips run along my scars and not cause me pain and shame.
If ever someone could do it, it would be her. I halt my breathing as she rests her middle finger along the dip in my throat and then slowly lowers it, trailing down the faint silver of a small scar. It’s not the worst of them.
I wish I knew what they were from. I wish I still had the memories of what it was that left each of them. But there were so many, and time confuses things. The one on my leg was from the dog. The largest of the three. The one who almost killed me. That’s the only scar I can place in my past. The rest are merely a summary of what my father gave me.
I grip her wrist out of instinct when she moves lower. She stays still, waiting for me. “I think that’s enough for now, little bird,” I say with my eyes closed and then look down at her.
“Jay, I promise I’ll stay.” Her voice is pleading but also sincere. I don’t like her tone though. I gave her what she wanted, so she needs to give me what I want in return. “I promise I’ll stay with you and beside you, and that I want what you want. I promise you,” she pleads with me, and I already know what she’s going to say.
“Just come with me to get help.”
I stare into her hazel eyes as they gloss over with unshed tears.
Help. She is my help. She is the reason I’m like this. My breathing gets heavy as I resist the urge to snap.
Leave? No. We’re only getting started.
She left me once, and she’ll do it again. There’s a sorcery about her, something that distracts me from the reality. Something that makes me feel as though just caring for her will be enough to heal all wounds. I bend down, picking up my shirt and put it on quickly, covering the scars from her view.
“Get a bath,” I tell her and turn my back to her, opening the bathroom door and feeling the gush of cold air flood the room. “Don’t make me regret leaving you alone.”
Chapter 14
Robin
It’s so quiet. Every small movement is accompanied by the sounds of the blanket shifting. There’s not the faintest noise except the ones I create.
A little while ago the air conditioner kicked on, and it was heaven. A bit of white noise to drown out the silence. But the break was short-lived, so instead, I lie here in silence.
I turn over onto my side and pick at the threads on the comforter. They're small and so easily pulled.
I close my eyes and the vision of the basement flashes before my eyes. It was quiet then, too. But at least I had the steady sounds of Jay behind me. My throat feels tight as I swallow and try to calm myself down.
I think of the city noise and focus on it. So many nights it’s kept me from this very nightmare. It’s not so loud that it keeps me up or disturbs my sleep. But it’s loud enough to keep me from going back there in my mind.
I grit my teeth and think of how he could hold me now. If he wanted to, he could be in here. I could sleep again.
The thought of falling into the depths of a dream with him makes my body move on its own. I throw back the heavy comforter and move from the bed with purposeful strides but hesitate at the door, my heart beating harder and my confidence waning by the second.
I swallow thickly, my heart beating slowly as fear creeps up and nearly stops me. But how many nights have I prayed to be close to him? How many nights have I wanted him to hold me? And he’s so close. I only have to ask.
My heart aches in my chest as I remember how he’d whisper it. If you need me, just ask.
I need him. God, do I need him.
The lump seems to stop in my throat mid-swallow as I grip the doorknob and open it slowly. It doesn’t escape me that there’s no lock. Just like the bathroom. None to force me to stay in the room, and none to keep Jay out.
The door’s silent, which is a blessing and a curse.
I don’t want Jay to think I’m leaving.
Or worse, the dog.
I peek my head out of the doorway, opening it up slowly to reveal more of the hall. The moonlight spills into the front of the hall from the window in the living room and floods it with light. So much more than what I have in the room Jay gave to me.
I only take one step, my bare foot making the floor groan with my weight before I hear a low growl.
“Toby,” I hear Jay’s voice say the dog’s name low and with an admonition in his voice just as the fear was about to take me. “Stay,” Jay orders from the living room. I turn my head to look back down the hall to the closed door to the basement. That’s where I was headed, but I follow the sound of Jay’s voice and walk slowly to the living room, gripping the molding that cases the doorway and facing both Jay and Toby.
Jay’s on his back in the middle of the floor. A thin blanket covers his lower body, and Toby lays close to Jay. He doesn’t turn to look at me. He absentmindedly pets the dog once and then twice while staring at the ceiling. If not from his hand stroking the dog, I’d think he was asleep with his eyes open, his body is so still.
The dog merely lifts his head once, assessing me and then laying his head back down as if he’s content with my presence.
“I wasn’t sneaking out,” I say quickly and the way I said it makes even me think that I was lying. My fingers twist around one another as I chance a step closer to Jay, just one, although my eyes stay on the dog.
“You should be sleeping, little bird,” Jay finally says and then turns his head to look at me.
>
“I wanted,” I start to say but get caught in his gaze. It’s intense and the way his eyes look at night with him being so tired, takes me back to when we were trapped. Back to when he couldn’t sleep at all.
“Will you lie down with me?” I manage to ask him, although I don’t know how.
“No,” he answers quickly and with finality. My heart feels splintered from his cold denial. I nod once, accepting it and trying not to think back to the bathroom. To the kiss. To the moment I thought we had. The moment I ruined.
It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.
“Leave the door open,” Jay says softly, ignoring how I’m barely holding on.
I nod my head again and bite my lip as I turn my back to him, to go back alone to the room. It’s only then that Jay says, “I can’t, Robin. John will be here soon.”
John. The way Jay talks about him makes my heart ache with a splintering pain that’s nearly debilitating. I have to wait a moment, forcing all of the emotions away. Taking a look at this from my clinical background.
“What’s the purpose of doing things this way?” I lick my lips after croaking out the words. I’m nervous to approach Jay; after all the years of training, I should be more confident. But it’s Jay. I’m afraid to touch him, or to hurt him, to make him angry. Not because of what he’d do to me, but because of what my words could do to him.
Words are powerful, so much more than we realize.
“What do you mean?” he asks me, still staring at the ceiling, but his relaxed body is now stiff and his response makes me shift uneasily. I decide to sit on the ground, still in the entrance. The thin nightgown rides up but I pull it down as the cold wood floor presses against my thighs.
“Your way,” I answer him and put my hands in my lap. It feels like a session in some ways, and the thought is comforting. “Why do you want to do it like this?” I ask him.