Lily was by her side in a second. Sobs rocked her body and Lily gathered her into her arms and gently led her over to the closest chair. The moment Hannah was lowered into the seat, she curled into a ball, hating herself and hating everyone around her at the same time.
“What if she’s right, Lily?” she gasped through the tears. Lily stood over her, running a tender hand over her hair as she cried. “What if everything Miss Peggy said is right and Rowland is the one who was lying all this time?”
“You should have faith in him, M’Lady,” Lily said, sounding oddly wise. “You two are to be married soon and I’m sure he’d hate to see you doubt him at a time like this.”
“Well, can he blame me? Miss Peggy truly looks to be in love with him, like she claims, and all he can say is that she’s lying? He doesn’t even have any proof, when she brought a letter back with her. How could he expect me to believe him when I’m presented with this situation?”
“I know,” Lily soothed softly. She resembled the Duchess a lot in that moment, nothing like the timid, skittish girl Hannah knew. “I know how hard this must be for you. But you can only trust him.”
“Since when did you become Mr. Albertson’s biggest defender?” Hannah asked through the tears. “I thought you would be jumping at the opportunity to call him a rake.”
Lily shook her head slowly. “That was what I thought at first, M’Lady, but then as I observed the two of you together, I saw nothing but genuine love. I don’t want to believe that it was all false any more than you do.”
“It might not be false,” Hannah mumbled. “Miss Peggy wants to believe that what Rowland thought was a misunderstanding.”
“But Mr. Albertson is saying that there is no misunderstanding and that she had blatantly rejected him. Am I correct?”
Hannah nodded slowly. The tears had calmed down somewhat and now she could think straight again. She quickly wiped her cheeks. “Could you fetch him for me?” she asked Lily.
Lily nodded. “Of course, M’Lady.”
And then, she was off, leaving Hannah all alone. The moment she was gone, Hannah regretted asking her to leave. She didn’t want to face her thoughts on her own, and they grew in intensity now, louder and louder, until she could hear nothing else but Miss Peggy’s words drowning out Rowland’s.
Who do I believe now?
The fact that she was crossed between the two bothered her endlessly. She truly didn’t want to believe Miss Peggy. She didn’t even want to entertain the idea. But she also couldn’t deny how genuine she seemed.
But Rowland did love her. That she couldn’t deny, either.
He loves me but…does he love Miss Peggy as well? Is he truly bound to her like she says?
Again and again, the asked herself that question, knowing that there was no end in sight. It would continue on like this for a while, Miss Peggy saying one thing and Rowland saying another. And Hannah would constantly be stuck in the middle.
When Rowland entered the room, he didn’t see her at first. She watched as his eyes went straight to the spot they always stood in, at the other end of the room, before he swept his gaze around and spotted her sitting in the corner. He rushed over, sinking to his knees before her and grasping her hand in his. “Hannah, what’s the matter? I got here as quickly as I could.”
“I spoke with Miss Peggy,” she murmured.
Rowland paled. “Alone?”
“Yes. And she had a lot to say.”
Rowland sighed. He tenderly brushed her hair aside as she watched him think of a proper response. “I have no doubt that she does. Why do I get the feeling that you’re beginning to believe her over me?”
Hannah didn’t say anything. She just stared at him and, after a moment, Rowland nodded, as if he was taking that as his answer. He shot to his feet, whirling away from her with his hands in his hair. His agitated strides resembled anger and Hannah felt a tremble of that same feeling spark in her.
“Hannah, whatever she’s told you is a lie.”
“She said that it might have been a misunderstanding. She said she believed you might have only read half the letter, thinking you were rejected by her when in truth, at the end she accepted your proposal.”
“That isn’t right.”
I can see he’s trying to contain himself. Is that why he’s putting so much distance between us?
“The letter she sent me expressly stated that she did not want to marry me and that she would marry the Lord Governor instead. In no way could I have misinterpreted that.”
Hannah sagged. Now, her heart was leaning toward Rowland. Constantly stuck in the middle, being pulled by two parties.
She felt tired and worn out. She didn’t even want to talk about this anymore. If she did, she was half afraid that she would start crying again and that was the last thing she wanted.
She got to her feet and made her way over to him, wrapping her arms around his waist despite the fact that Lily stood by the door. Rowland instantly hugged her back. The comfort in his presence was all she needed right now, just to get through the rest of the day. Perhaps the rest of the week.
They stood there in silence, just holding each other, each caught up in their own thoughts. His hug always did wonders for her, soothing her in a way that she was fast beginning to rely on, but when he inevitably pulled away and when they were no longer around each other, Hannah knew that the thoughts would come rushing back. For now, she wanted to stay in this blissfully empty moment.
But it wasn’t completely empty. Lingering right beneath the surface of melancholy was that thrum of lust she always had for him. Standing in his arms like this, she wanted to go back to the night of the ball, when they had stuck away. She wanted to become detached from reality the way she had that night, with his lips, his tongue, his fingers. She wanted to give into her constant need for him and forget that Miss Peggy even existed.
If Lily hadn’t been standing by the door, she would have. But she held herself back, though she could see in his eyes that he wanted to do the same. They always had the night, where they could sneak away from the pressures of their world and only be with each other. She promised him tonight with her gaze. He did the same.
Chapter 33
He didn’t wait for Hannah to stop. Still partially hidden within the shadows, he raced toward her and pulled her into his arms as quickly as he could, pressing his lips down to hers. She received him with everything she had.
Rowland could feel the passion building between them. With everything that had been going on, he couldn’t be more relieved that she still wanted him as badly as he wanted her. The way she clawed at him, her legs rubbing against his, it was clear that none of that had changed.
As for what else might have changed, I don’t know and I don’t want to think about it.
They backed up further into the clearing. Her hands were in his hair, disheveling it as their tongues battled for dominance. He gripped her waist, lifting her up off the ground and as he sat, he settled her down into his lap They continued to kiss, his hands roaming around her body as if it was the first time they’d ever gone exploring.
For the entire day, he had been fraught with worry. Rowland knew what must be going in Hannah’s mind and he had absolutely no idea how he could change it. He didn’t know how to fix the whole situation at all and to see just how badly it was affecting her made his heart wrench.
He wanted to soothe her troubled spirit and if this was the only way he could do it for now, then he was glad to. If she wanted to forget about everything that awaited them in the manor, then he was happy to comply. Disregarding his own selfish needs, he wanted to make sure that Hannah was all right in the end.
Even if that means that I may never truly have her for my own.
Her hands ran up and down his chest, her lips and tongue on his neck. She was more determined tonight, moving with more energy. Rowland, though he had his beautiful betrothed before him, kissing him on his neck, couldn’t get rid of the guilt that consumed him in her
presence.
She should not have to go through such a thing, yet here she was. It was his word against Miss Peggy’s. She brought his letter, which in hindsight he now knew was a very bad idea, and all he had in his defense was his own truth. Which didn’t seem to be helping him very much.
God, why did I have to tell her of my plans to leave? If I had only accepted her rejection with grace, none of this would have been happening right now.
They were all beginning to lean toward her. Miss Peggy looked sincere, as if she truly loved him and Rowland was beginning to wonder if maybe she did. Her act confused even him and he constantly had to remind himself that she had rejected him. Despite everything they had gone through, she had told him that she would marry the Lord Governor. He couldn’t understand why she was here, why she was suddenly changing her tune, but it was all a sham. She was lying to everyone.
He wanted to say that, but there was no use. He’d said that many times over already and he could see the battle raging within Hannah as she tried her best to believe him. She wanted to, he could tell. It was only growing more difficult as time went on.
Right now, it was easy to forget that. She was desperate for his touch, nearly as much as he was desperate for hers. He gave her everything she wanted, from the kisses, to the touches, to the way he liked to lick her. He kept himself tethered, however, as difficult as it was, because with everything that was going on, he wasn’t going to take things too far.
This, at least, won’t change. She still has that same fiery passion for me as before. I hope that never changes.
Even so, Rowland saw the moment things changed for her. She gasped and he glanced up, even though he had his mouth around her breast. Like the night of the ball, her eyes went distant and she gripped his shoulder blades so tightly that it nearly hurt. Her body bucked against his but she didn’t cry out this time. Her eyes only rolled to the back of her head before she sagged against him.
He took it a little further this time, touching her in places he knew he shouldn’t and she responded as well as he hoped she would.
Slowly, she lowered her gaze to meet his and he held it. They both sat there staring at each other, panting. Then, Hannah got out of his lap and began smoothing down her skirt.
Rowland couldn’t make sense of the hurt that lanced him when she began to leave. She said nothing more to him, not even a nod of farewell, but he saw the struggle in her eyes right before she walked away and left him sitting there all by himself.
The only thing was, he didn’t know if it was a struggle for her to stay or to leave.
* * *
For the next few days, Hannah didn’t want to see anyone. Though she knew that she should be helping with the preparations for the wedding, which would be in a matter of days, she couldn’t bring herself to. It didn’t make matters any better that Miss Peggy was growing increasingly agitated with the wedding drawing near and no end to her dilemma in sight.
But Miss Peggy was trying to remain upbeat, which only drained Hannah. But, really, everything was beginning to drain her. She could hardly be present during meal times any more, though she wasn’t missing very much with the heavy cloud of tension that hung in the air when everyone was gathered together. And when they weren’t eating, Hannah tried to be alone. She would spend her time in the library, in her bedchamber, or even by the stream she liked to frequent just so that she didn’t have to be around anyone else.
It wasn’t so much staying away from everyone, as it was them not having to be around her. Hannah was tired of seeing the pity in everyone’s eyes when they looked at her, whether they realized it or not. It lingered at the back of all the other emotions they felt—confusion, annoyance, protective. Hannah could always see it, no matter what it was they were saying.
The Duke especially looked laden with stress. More lines than usual ran deep in his face and he wore a constant frown. Hannah knew that he could see what she was going through, though she made an effort not to cry in front of him, and it was affecting him just as badly as it was affecting her.
She didn’t know what Rowland was thinking. She didn’t want to know. She hated herself for it, but she kept avoiding him, not even looking at him when he spoke, even when she could feel his eyes on her. She wasn’t going to fool herself into thinking that she had the strength to deal with this any longer, so she stayed away from him until everything was cleared up.
But there seemed to be no end in sight and every second apart from him made her yearn for him even more. She couldn’t stop her thoughts, her longing. They didn’t even meet at their spot since the last time when she had just left him there. Hannah still hadn’t come up with a proper excuse so why she did that—other than the fact that she just couldn’t look at him anymore. Every time she did, she kept see him leaving, off to be with Miss Peggy.
Or worse, marrying me despite all the lies he has told.
The mere fact that Hannah still didn’t know what to think, whether she should believe Rowland or believe Miss Peggy, made her want to run from everything. So she did. She kept to herself as much a she could, and she said so little now that she didn’t quite remember what it felt like to speak.
Hannah had her horse saddled and she set out for the stream. She told Lily to leave her be, with just a simple shake of her head, to which Lily replied with a worried nod. Hannah first wondered if she would run off to tell someone where she had gone, but she trusted Lily to say nothing.
It had been a while since she went riding and even longer since she’d last been riding alone. It wasn’t dawn, but still the cool breeze wafted across her skin as if it knew she needed to be consoled. The feel of the horse beneath her was the only thing she focused on and was a welcome distraction from everything else that was going on in her life.
It took her longer than usual to get the stream because of her very slow pace. She wanted to take her time and she longer she spent out here by herself, the better she hoped to feel. When the stream came into sight, what she had hoped would be a welcoming sight only brought back memories of Rowland that now felt bittersweet.
Hannah dismounted her horse and made her way over to the stream. She dipped her hand into the water, unable to stop the flow of memories. She had been happy then. Riddled with confusion about Rowland’s feelings and her own intense emotions, but happy all the same. Now, she couldn’t even be in her own home without feeling as if the walls would close in on her, which was why she went riding in the first place.
Slowly, she rose and made her way over to the log. She didn’t fight the memories. She let them wash over her, let them consume her until they pushed away all thoughts of Miss Peggy.
Did I know that I would be in love like this? Where I’m tortured by the very thought of my betrothed being claimed by another?
She couldn’t recall what her train of thought had been back then, other than the intense and unexpected attraction she had to Rowland, which had not changed in the slightest. If anything, it only made things more difficult for her, since now she was also crossed between wanting to lay in his arms and wanting to stay away.
No, needing to be with him and not knowing if I can.
“Careful, Hannah,” said a voice behind her. “They’ll be able to hear you sigh like that all the way at the manor.”
She whirled at the sound of her mother, who was coming to sit beside her. “Mother!” she gasped. “How did you know I was here?”
“You are my daughter, sweetheart,” said the Duchess. “You think I wouldn’t know that this is one of your favorites spots to be? It also happens to be one of my favorites spots, as well.”
“Oh, really?” Hannah relaxed, looking back out at the water. “I never knew that.”
The Duchess shrugged one shoulder. “It wasn’t for anyone to know,” she said. “I usually come here whenever I’m feeling distressed about something and I need to clear my mind. Which is what I suspect you are trying to do right now, as well.”
“Normally, I would need to be alone to do t
hat.”
The Duchess wasn’t fazed by Hannah’s slight jab and she instantly felt bad for it. It was clear her mother was only worried about her. “That’s true. But you’ve been isolating yourself so often now. Have you come to a conclusion?”
“About what?”
“About what you’re going to do about this situation you’re in.”
“Is there anything I can do?” Hannah asked, frustration mounting in her. “It’s his word against hers and the more she tries to explain herself, the more I believe her. And I hate myself for it.”
“Because you think that you should at least trust him.”
“I do trust him,” Hannah said and as soon as it was out her mouth, she realized just how much it sounded as if she was trying to convince herself as well as the Duchess. “But…can you blame me for being doubtful?”
Courteously Seduced By An Enigmatic Duke (Steamy Historical Regency Romance) Page 23