“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”
“I don’t know,” she said, frowning.
She probably didn’t want to come back again. She’d already been back twice, and I’d shown her a terrible time the second time. I needed to turn this around, and fast, or I might never see her again.
“Maybe you should come visit me sometime,” she said.
I exhaled. So she wasn’t trying to get rid of me completely. “And my parents?” I asked.
“They can come, too. Or they can wait ‘till next time I’m here.”
So there would be a next time. “That sounds good.”
She glanced at her watch. “I better get going. I don’t know how long the lines are going to be.”
“But you have more than four hours, and it’s a domestic flight!” There was a pitiful quality to my voice. I wasn’t ready for Leah to leave.
We hadn’t had any of the serious, mind-opening conversations we used to have all the time. We hadn’t traded juicy secrets or delved into gossip, either. I still felt like I was talking to someone halfway between a stranger and the Leah I’d known in the past.
She had her hands on the table, but she hesitated instead of standing up. “You think I have time?”
“You have tons of time. Besides, when are you going to get the chance to see this amazing face again?” I gestured at myself. “Come to think of it, you should just reschedule your flight.”
“Not likely, but I guess I can hang out a little longer.” She smiled, and we had another moment of less-than-comfortable silence.
“There’s so many things I want to ask you,” I said. “I don’t even know where to start.”
She blinked. “Start anywhere, then.”
I’d gotten too serious, too suddenly, but now that I’d said that, I wasn’t going to back out. “When did you know you were gay?” I asked, dropping my voice to not attract attention from the people around us. “Were you hiding it from me when we were friends?”
Her face fell. Whatever she’d expected me to say, it wasn’t that – or maybe she’d been waiting for me to ask that all along. “I think I always suspected,” she whispered. “I wasn’t totally sure. I didn’t want to tell anyone until I was sure.”
“You could’ve told me you were questioning,” I said. “All those times I pushed you about getting a boyfriend…”
“I wasn’t ready to tell anyone. I’d think you’d understand.”
I wanted to understand, but I didn’t. “I never questioned anything until well into college,” I said. “I would’ve told you if I’d had any inkling…”
“Well, that’s you,” she snapped. “I was different, okay?”
“I know. I didn’t mean – I just – ” I shook my head, all too aware this conversation was going off the rails. “I would’ve been fine with it, is all. Even if I’d been straight. I hate that you ever doubted I would’ve accepted you.”
She hung her head. “I didn’t. I just… I wasn’t ready.”
There were other things I wanted to ask. Who she’d come out to first… how her mom had taken it. Who her first kiss had been with, and whether she’d had any serious relationships.
For now, though, I stood up, pulling her along with me so I could wrap her in a hug. I pressed her to me, so close her hair drifted into my face and her scent into my nose. Our breasts squeezed together, our hips not far apart.
“You were my best friend, Leah Perry,” I said into her hair. “You meant the world to me, and nothing was going to get in the way of that.”
She pulled away, and to my surprise, her eyes were filled with tears. “Nothing at all?”
“Not a damn thing.”
Eight – Leah
I stared at the screen, lines of code blurring before my eyes. We’d been testing the SpotBot prototype for the millionth time when he’d started to do the exact reverse of every command. Tell him to go left, he’d go right. Tell him to go up, he’d go down. It was a major issue, and I needed to solve it ASAP. We were sending instructions to the Chinese factory for the next round of prototypes in only a few days.
It was past eleven now, though, and I didn’t know if I could code for much longer. My head ached and my eyes were dry. I stood up, my legs stiff under me, intending to get a cup of coffee and get back to work. I gave SpotBot’s case a pat as I passed it. He was a lot of trouble, but he was worth it and I loved him.
The office was dimly lit at this hour, most of my coworkers having gone home. I assumed many were working from there, seeing as they were still online on our group message board. I could see the light was on in Paul’s office, so I knocked on the door to see if he wanted to join me.
He emerged as fresh-faced as if it was eleven in the morning.
“I feel like death warmed over,” I groaned. “How do you manage to look so good?”
“For one thing, I wasn’t flying all over the continent this weekend.”
I scoffed. “Visiting one city is hardly ‘flying all over the continent.’ And it’s Thursday. I should’ve recovered by now.”
“You’re getting old,” he said, brushing by me to the office kitchen and dumping grounds into the coffee maker. “Didn’t you just turn thirty?”
“Don’t remind me.” I watched the coffee drip into the pot. “You’re older than me, so I wouldn’t poke fun.” He had to be nearly forty, if not older.
“I’m not a woman, though. Don’t all of you want to be married by the time they’re thirty?”
I shot him a glare for that sexist BS. He was a little too close to accurate with it. Had he been reading my emails or something? “My birthday wasn’t a big deal. I went to someone else’s birthday party that weekend, actually.”
The coffee maker beeped, and he poured some into two mugs. “That’s not too exciting.”
“No, it wasn’t.” I could use someone to talk to about the confusing conversation I’d had with Poppy at the airport, but it sure wasn’t going to be Paul. In fact, I was wondering why I hadn’t had my coffee alone. He was making my head hurt even more.
Sipping my drink, I stared Paul down. “What’d you do this weekend, anyway?”
“SpotBot stuff. What else?”
“I thought you had such an exciting life,” I teased.
“Nah, you must’ve mistaken me for somebody else.”
We headed back to our own offices, and although I was slightly perked up by the coffee, I still reached for my phone before going back on the computer. I only intended to check the headlines for SpotBot coverage – it was still surreal to see myself and my project in the news – but a new message distracted me before I got there.
You’re probably in bed, but I just got back from dinner with my parents, and all they wanted to talk about was you! It was from Poppy.
I let a small smile turn my lips upward. Not too much, since I still wasn’t sure if pursuing this “friendship” was just going to hurt me… but I had to smile a little.
Hope you said hi to them for me, I wrote back. And no, I’m not in bed – still at work. No rest for the wicked – or for robotics engineers.
Her response came back quickly. Or both, in your case. Yes, I said hi! I’m on strict orders to get you back into town ASAP. And they’ll never forgive you if you visit again without seeing them.
I chuckled, leaning back in my office chair. Out of all the friends Poppy had had in high school, I was confident I was her parents’ favorite. I didn’t know how she couldn’t see the rest of them were typical mean girls.
We’ll plan a visit soon, I wrote. You’re coming here first, though. And right now, I’m pretty sure you should go to bed.
I stared at the words on the screen after I sent them. Did I sound flirtatious? I hoped not – unless she wanted me to…
All right, she texted back. Good night. You get some sleep, too, and we’ll plan the trip soon.
Night night.
I faced my computer, ready to code. Suddenly I was full of energy I hadn’t had before – and it had
nothing to do with the coffee.
*
We stayed in touch for the next few weeks, texting daily. We’d even Skyped a few times over dinner since she hated eating alone. She was just as carefree and optimistic as she’d always been, and I found that I hadn’t changed too much, either. Talking to her felt like falling back twelve years into the past, except now I had more confidence – and now both of us were open about liking women.
At ten one night, I lay on my couch, holding the phone above me. Talking to anyone else, I would’ve been ready for bed, but listening to Poppy talk about her ex-girlfriend over Skype, I was wide awake.
Since it was later in her time zone, she was bundled up in blankets, lying in bed. Her room was dark, so I could hardly see her. We’d had late-night calls like this before. When she got sleepy enough, she’d fall asleep and I’d hang up.
“I had no idea anything was even wrong,” Poppy said. “Sure, I knew we weren’t all that passionate, but she said she felt more like my friend than my lover. How could she, if we were life partners?”
I bit my lip. “Do you still love her?”
She sighed. “I don’t know. We haven’t been in touch since the break-up, not even once. I’ve heard what she’s up to through our mutual friends – apparently her new relationship is going well, and they’re already talking about moving in together.”
“But how do you feel?”
“I still care about her,” she said. “I miss her deeply as a friend. Even if we weren’t romantic anymore, I miss having her there when I get home every day. I guess I took her for granted – I thought she’d always be there. If I love her, though?” She paused, deep in thought. “I don’t know what love is anymore.”
“That’s fair,” I said softly. I didn’t know much about love, either. I knew what I wanted – the kind of love that epic poems and timeless love songs were written about – but I didn’t know if it was possible for me. Did it even exist anymore, or had it disappeared sometime around the turning of the century?
“Anyway, that’s enough about me,” Poppy said.
“No, it’s fine. It’s interesting to hear about your ex.” I nearly choked on the last word. “Do you think you’ll date again anytime soon?”
“Probably not. I still think about getting back with her.”
“But she left you for someone else.”
“Oh, I remember.” She laughed bitterly. “I just keep wondering, what if it didn’t work out between them and she showed up on my doorstep, asking for me back? What would I say to her?”
“You’d tell her to fuck off.”
“That’s harsh.”
“I’m serious,” I said. “I don’t believe in getting back with exes. If your relationship ended, it was for a reason. Whatever problems you had that caused it would still be there if you tried again.” I quoted some advice I’d once heard on a talk show. “It’s called a break-up because it was broken.”
“Really? You’d never get back with your ex? What if it was just a wrong place, wrong time kind of situation?”
“I don’t believe in those,” I said firmly. “Anyway, you can’t think of anyone else you’d be interested in?” I didn’t know why I was pushing her about this. Obviously she wasn’t going to gasp and say “It’s you, Leah, it’s always been you.”
“I haven’t met anyone who’s caught my eye,” she said instead, “and I’m pretty picky. I have to really click with someone before I can even think about getting to that stage.”
I’d clicked with her, hadn’t I? And yet she didn’t see me like that. I looked away from my phone screen, hoping my emotions weren’t visible on my face.
“And now that we’re in the real world,” she went on, “it seems like things don’t work the way they did in high school and college. My friends only meet people through online dating and apps. You have to figure out if you like somebody after only meeting them a couple times, because if you don’t bang by the third date, they just lose interest!”
I’d never had an issue with that. Actually, I was the one losing interest if we didn’t bang.
“Wait, you don’t do that, do you?” she asked. “You still haven’t told me anything about your love life.”
“Well… I’ve been known to use an app or two,” I said cautiously.
“Oh shit, you’re one of those girls, aren’t you?”
“What girls?”
“The girls I’m talking about!” Her eyes bugged out, and she shook her head. “I know you too well – I can see it from the look on your face. You hook up with women and never call them again, don’t you?”
“I’m not quite that bad.” I coughed. “Although I’ll admit I haven’t really had a serious relationship.”
“What about that girl that I met, Neeta?”
“Nah, we only lasted about a week before we realized we’re better off as friends.”
“But what makes the difference?” She sounded like she was asking herself as much as me. “Where does friendship chemistry turn into romantic chemistry?”
She was talking about her ex, not about me. I had to remind myself of that. She was wondering why things hadn’t worked out with Kerry, not why things had never started with me.
“I guess romantic chemistry is about more than just having good conversations,” I said. “If the passion is there, you’ll know it. You want to be with the other person all the time… you can’t wait to see them when you’re apart… you’re always dying to rip off their clothes and ravage them.”
She blinked. “You sure know a lot of this for someone who’s never had a real relationship.”
“I’m talking about what happened with me and Neeta,” I said. “We could talk for hours. We were comfortable cuddling and holding hands. It feels like something’s missing when we spent time apart. But when we tried kissing, or doing anything more than that… there was nothing there.”
“But how can that work?” She sounded frustrated, and again I knew she was thinking about her ex.
“I don’t know,” I said simply. “It might just be body chemistry. Pheromones. I don’t think we have any control over it. If it’s there, it’s there, and if it’s not, it’s not.”
And if it was there on one side but not the other, you were just screwed – forever.
Nine – Poppy
“Thank you so much for talking her into this,” Mary said one morning in February. “My kids are so excited.”
“Thank you for coming up with the idea,” I said. “Mine are pretty psyched, too.”
“When is she getting here?”
I looked at the back of the auditorium, and my eyes lit up. “Right now.”
It’d been Mary’s idea to fly Leah into town for Career Day. One of her fifth-graders had done a report on robots, and Mary had immediately remembered meeting Leah at my birthday. The kids, too cynical to care about doctors and lawyers, were over the moon at the thought of seeing a real-life robotics engineer.
Leah strode toward us, dressed in the skinny jeans and blazer that apparently passed for business-casual in her field. The outfit made her look hip and young, yet professional, and her messy updo and light make-up flattered her face even more.
“It’s so good to see you,” I said, giving her a big hug. I hadn’t seen her in person in more than three months, although we’d talked so much it felt like I’d just seen her yesterday.
This visit was going to be a real one. After the Career Day presentation, she’d stay at my place. We’d visit my parents, since they’d never stopped interrogating me about when they’d get to see her. She’d have to do some work from my place, but she was going to stay for a full two nights.
“You too,” she said, returning my hug. “And you, Mary. How’s Lloyd?”
“Good.” Mary’s eyes shone.
Leah looked around, taking in the audience. “I can’t believe how many kids are here.”
We hadn’t just invited Mary’s and my classes, but every class of third-, fourth-, and fifth-graders. T
he auditorium was packed.
“This can’t make you nervous. You’re on TV all the time,” I teased.
“That’s different from seeing the audience in real life,” she said. “Plus they’re so young and impressionable. What if I say the wrong thing and end up turning them off engineering forever?”
“Then they’d just go into something else instead. Maybe teaching.” I gave her a one-armed hug and then lightly shoved her toward the front. “Go grab a seat. You’ll be the third one to present.”
We’d convinced a few people to come and talk about their careers. Some were parents, some just community members who’d taken the time out of their day to inspire the next generation. The kids squirmed and whispered to each other through the first presentation, a pilot who’d clearly never mastered the art of public speaking. There were sighs of relief through the auditorium when she was done.
Next up, a nurse trying to sell us on the idea that it was a difficult yet rewarding career. She tried her best, but the exhaustion on her face was visible, and she looked miserable when she talked about the twelve-hour days and overnight shifts.
Finally it was Leah’s turn, and I clapped harder than anyone as she walked up to the stage. “My name is Leah Perry, and I’m a robotics engineer.” She opened her carrying case and reassembled her robotic dog with quick, practiced movements. “And my buddy here is named SpotBot.”
The kids went wild at the sight of him. For most, it was their first time seeing a robot in real life. Even for me, it was pretty cool to see his interlinking metallic components moving as he walked, doglike, from one end of the stage to the other. His ears flopped up and down, and his face had an expression of permanent curiosity. Despite his artificial construction, he looked for all the world like a real dog.
SpotBot paused and sniffed the ground, and Leah held up a hand to quiet the crowd. “SpotBot is a search-and-rescue dog. He uses heat-sensing technology to find lost people, wherever they may be. Now, could I have a volunteer from the audience?”
Hands shot up all through the room. I almost wanted to stick mine up, too. Oh, what the heck – I went ahead and did it.
The Marriage Contract Page 5