Darcy’s recent depression suddenly made perfect sense. He was indeed heartbroken. However, the question of what had passed between the two of them still remained. In an effort to get him to elaborate he said, “Darcy, I never would have guessed that there was a woman out there worthy of your standards! You have chosen well in Miss Bennet.” The Colonel stopped speaking when he noted his cousin’s scowl.
Darcy drained his glass and said, “It does not matter how well I chose, as nothing will come of it.”
The Colonel now suspected that his cousin had proposed, however, he feigned ignorance and pressed for more details. “If you love Miss Bennet then why not propose to her? What reasons could she have to refuse you?”
“We did not have a good beginning, she and I, and she does not appreciate or respect me,” said Darcy bitterly, pouring himself yet another generous portion of port from a half-empty bottle.
If Colonel Fitzwilliam was surprised, he did not show it. “I see,” he said, “well have you done anything that would make her dislike you? I know how you appear to strangers. Quite frankly I cannot blame her for thinking you high-handed and taciturn. I know that you have merely been tongue-tied in her presence, but to someone who does not know you well, your first impression is not always exemplary”
“I made a slighting remark the first occasion I met her, and I separated my friend from her sister,” he began.
Colonel Fitzwilliam quickly cut him off, “It was Miss Bennet that Bingley was in love with?” He remembered that he was the one who had revealed Darcy’s interference in that matter.
“Yes, and she believes that their love was mutual. I was, of course, unaware. But that is just the beginning of my list of offenses in her eyes. You already know about Miss Bennet’s misunderstanding of my history with Mr. Wickham. I suspect she asked you to confirm the veracity of my letter, which is why she informed me that she believed my account of my dealings with Wickham.”
Colonel Fitzwilliam nodded, remembering his last discussion with Miss Bennet. “If she forgave you, then why not rectify your mistakes. Urge Bingley to return to Hertfordshire for Miss Bennet, then perhaps, Miss Elizabeth would forgive you for that transgression.”
“If only it was that simple, but it is not. I am guilty of other sins in her mind.”
“What exactly do you mean?” asked the Colonel.
“That I cannot tell you,” knowing full well that he would receive a tongue-lashing if Richard were informed about his improper behavior.
“I can assure you of my secrecy, cousin,” said Richard sincerely.
“I behaved improperly,” he confessed. “I kissed her, not once, but twice. She admonished me, and struck me, and told me she never wanted to see me again.”
The Colonel’s surprise and outrage was evident in his countenance. “Darcy, how dare you take advantage of a young lady? I cannot believe that you would do such a disreputable thing. I ought to thrash you soundly myself.”
“I regret my behavior, Richard,” said Darcy. “It has earned me her contempt. I am certain that no one else knows about this violation of propriety. No harm shall come to her reputation.”
“How can you live with yourself, Darcy? You violated Miss Bennet and then abandoned her without a thought to her reputation.”
“I was not trying to ruin her reputation. I love her, for God’s sake. I want nothing more than to marry her.”
“So you thought you could embarrass her into accepting you?” demanded Richard.
“In the moment I did not think of the consequences when I kissed her. I was caught up in my feelings. I regret my behavior every single day. As for the second time, I misinterpreted her forgiveness for affection. But I was wrong. While she had forgiven me for one thing, I was still a man she could never accept. I was—am—a damned fool.”
Darcy’s remorse and regret was so evident in his voice that Colonel Fitzwilliam’s fury melted. After all, he had come with the purpose of helping Darcy through his adversity. “Yes. You are. It is an unfortunate beginning to be sure, but I still believe that your errors can be mended. Tell Bingley that you made a mistake in interfering and persuade him to return to Hertfordshire. Naturally you should accompany him. Show Miss Bennet who you really are. If you love her, you should not let her go so easily. You would be a fool to do so.”
“So says the man who refuses to marry,” said Darcy.
“I do not have the advantages you have, cousin. You can afford to marry for love, and you would be a fool to waste the opportunity. Not to mention, you have compromised Miss Bennet, even if no one else is aware of this.”
“It is too late,” said Darcy. “She thinks me devoid of every proper feeling and believes that I have no concern for others. She even said my behavior is ungentlemanlike. Not that I can blame her after my loss of control.” Darcy sighed heavily. “I no longer want to discuss this. It is hopeless. I have no future with Miss Bennet.”
This response was not good enough for the Colonel. “Not to worry Darcy, Miss Bennet is a sensible young woman. She is clearly capable of forgiveness where you are concerned, and if you repair the other mistakes you have made, I am sure there shall be a pleasant outcome for the both of you.”
“That, cousin, is easier said than done,” said Darcy with bitterness.
The Colonel threw up his hands in exasperation. “Swallow your damned pride, Darcy! Do not let it get in the way of your happiness!”
“I cannot,” said Darcy, draining his glass of port.
In a rare moment of absolute frustration at his cousin’s insufferable pride and stubbornness, the colonel said, “Then you do not deserve Miss Bennet.” He stood up and left the room, leaving Darcy fuming and miserable.
***
Dinner was a silent and forced affair. Neither Colonel Fitzwilliam nor Darcy spoke much. Georgiana’s native shyness prevented her from breaking the silence. The tension was thick. Colonel Fitzwilliam excused himself as soon as he was finished bidding goodnight to Georgiana and only nodded imperceptibly at Darcy before retiring for the evening. He hoped that Darcy would change his mind, but neither was willing to discuss the matter further.
Darcy sat in his study ruminating over his conversation with his cousin. It was well past midnight and the port from earlier in the evening was long gone. Richard had no right to be angry. If anything, it was Darcy who should be frustrated, and he was. He already knew that his problems with Elizabeth were beyond remedy. He did not hold his cousin’s optimism. It would all come to nothing.
It was not as if Darcy could change her mind about him by pursuing her. Elizabeth had made it perfectly clear that she never wanted to see him again. Everything was easy for his amiable cousin. Richard could charm anyone he wanted. Darcy simply could not do that with Elizabeth. They had too much unpleasant history.
As for telling Bingley about his errors, he could not do that either for, upon learning from Elizabeth of his flawed assessment of her sister’s feelings, he realized that it was he that had perhaps taken away his best friend’s chance at happiness. However, although Bingley was not fickle, he was resilient. Bingley would be able to move on, even if it took a few years, whereas Darcy could never do so himself. Why should he convince Bingley to return to Hertfordshire? For all he knew Jane Bennet could have moved past her affection for him. If that were the case, then Bingley would only end up worse for the wear. No. He could not own up to his mistakes. He had caused his friend enough pain and did not want to do anything that might increase it.
It was long past midnight when Darcy finally settled into a fitful sleep.
Three
After three days of constant spring rainfall, the sun finally broke through the clouds on one fine day at the end of April. The four young Gardiner children were growing restless from being cooped up indoors. Their elder cousins had done what they could to keep the youngsters entertained, but three days of being trapped indoors without any respite had made everyone restless with pent up energy. It was decided that an outing to Hyde
Park was to be the order of the day.
Elizabeth sympathized with her younger cousins, for she too had grown agitated. The dire weather had not allowed her to take her usual, long, solitary walks. She missed the comfort of her outings, as she was still plagued with thoughts of Darcy. At the most unexpected moments, she would remember his declaration of love for her, or the heated words of their quarrel, or worst of all, his kisses. She was greatly looking forward to the opportunity to get out and stretch her legs and clear her mind.
The two Gardiner boys, and the two younger Gardiner girls were abuzz with anticipation. The entire morning, they were pestering their mother and cousins, asking when they could leave.
Elizabeth, Jane and Mrs. Gardiner had prepared a picnic basket, and had packed up several outdoor activities. Mr. Gardiner regretted that he could not attend, as business at the firm would keep him occupied for the majority of the day. Just before noon, the seven of them piled into the Gardiner carriage and set off directly for Hyde Park.
When they arrived, the small party set up their camp for the day on a vast lawn that was typically reserved for picnickers. A small canopy was put up to protect the party from the harsh rays of sunlight. Each of the ladies wore wide-brimmed bonnets for further protection. Elizabeth and Jane laid out a blanket on the fresh spring grass and unpacked several other picnic essentials, setting aside the basket to be used after the children required a respite from their activities.
The eldest Gardiner boy, Thomas, age nine, had organized a game of tag, and was chasing his youngest sister, Rose. The little girl was five years of age and she giggled as she ran through the grass. The middle Gardiner children, Emily and Matthew, amused themselves by blocking Thomas’ path as he attempted to catch little Rose.
Jane and Elizabeth took delight in watching the rambunctious play of their young cousins. “I cannot imagine how you manage to keep up with these children, aunt,” said Elizabeth, laughing as Thomas tumbled to the ground after a failed attempt to snatch his sister’s arm.
“It is a full time occupation, dear Lizzy, but I would not trade them for the world. I am the most fortunate of mothers. They really are well behaved children.”
“Even the best behaved children can be a handful,” said Jane, who had been helping her aunt with the care of the children during her stay. “But, I shall miss them terribly when we depart tomorrow.”
“And they are sure to miss you,” declared Mrs. Gardiner.
***
Darcy craved an escape from his family. Colonel Fitzwilliam had scarcely spoken to him since their conversation two days prior. Georgiana had been busy with her music, unwilling to try and discover the source of the tension between her brother and cousin. In truth, she had been content to be uninvolved since the Colonel’s arrival.
The decision to go to Hyde Park was not planned. However, it seemed like a reasonable destination. Darcy had not walked the park in several months, and today was the first day of sunshine after three days of steady rain. For once, Darcy did not have a business matter to deal with. He had been particularly diligent since his quarrel with Colonel Fitzwilliam and suspected he would not have any work to distract him for the next few days. He had dressed casually, donning one of his summer jackets. His valet had provided him with lighter clothing due to the late spring heat. His cravat was loosely tied at his throat. He left half past noon, and was grateful that Darcy House was just across from the park for he was in no mood for a carriage ride and took pleasure in the brisk walk.
He walked quickly down one of his favorite paths, trying to ignore all of the happy people who were walking the path as he passed. In truth, he envied them; especially a young couple that brushed passed him, hand in hand. At the sight, he desperately wished that Elizabeth were by his side. He remembered how fond she was of long walks. Elizabeth would have loved Darcy House’s proximity to Hyde Park, providing her a convenient location for her habit of solitary walks. No. Darcy scolded himself silently. He knew he had no business dwelling on what could never be.
He walked for several minutes, taking pleasure in the fresh air and the soft breeze, when suddenly a familiar sound caught his attention. Elizabeth’s laughter had haunted his dreams; surely he could not be hearing it now. It was impossible! He reasoned it was simply another one of his delusions. He kept his eyes fixed on the path ahead, unwilling to torture himself with a conjured image of Elizabeth Bennet.
Then he heard the laughter again, and this time there was no use mistaking it for what it was. A few children were running about on the lawn, giggling as they chased each other about, but it was not the children who caught Darcy’s attention. It was the very real Elizabeth Bennet, wearing a light yellow dress and a white wide-brimmed bonnet adorned with ribbon the color of sunlight. The loose ties of her bonnet were blowing in the breeze as she participated in the children’s game of tag. Darcy stopped and stood frozen in his place. He watched transfixed as Elizabeth chased a little girl with mousy brown curls. Elizabeth swept the laughing child in her arms and tumbled onto the grass, laughing joyously as her chest rose and fell rapidly. He envied the little girl who was fortunate enough to be in her arms. Darcy blinked to make sure what he was seeing was real, but there could be no denying its reality. It was then that he recognized Jane Bennet sitting beside a well-dressed older woman, beneath the shade of a canopy.
“Cousin Jane,” cried one of the little boys, “come play with us!”
“Oh Jane, do come and join us, I am vastly outnumbered by our dear cousins!”
Darcy forced himself to sit on a bench a ways down the path, so he could view Elizabeth, hopefully without being noticed. For he hardly knew what she would think of him if she noticed him. Darcy was relieved that he brought a book with him and quickly settled on a bench. He attempted to read, but his comprehension suffered as he fought the strong urge to let his glance linger on Elizabeth.
***
“Lizzy,” said Jane glancing in Darcy’s direction, “Is that not Mr. Darcy, sitting on that bench over there?”
“What?” asked Elizabeth, unsure if she had imagined her sister’s words.
“There is a gentleman sitting on a bench with a book. I do believe that it is Mr. Darcy.”
Elizabeth turned towards the direction of her sister’s gaze and was shocked to discover that it was Mr. Darcy. What on earth was he doing here? She had thought, or rather hoped, that he had gone to Pemberley. She had never imagined that he would be here in London, much less Hyde Park, on the very same day that her family had planned their outing. “Oh Jane, I fear you are correct. I cannot believe it. I thought that Mr. Darcy had gone to Pemberley after Kent.”
“Apparently not,” said Jane, glancing nervously at Mr. Darcy and then back to Elizabeth.
“Do you think he noticed us?” asked Elizabeth, praying that he had paid them no attention.
“I do not know. What shall you do if he approaches you, Lizzy?”
“I doubt Mr. Darcy would do that after our last meeting,” said Elizabeth.
“Mr. Darcy?” asked Mrs. Gardiner, catching the name, “What of him?” Mrs. Gardiner looked at her nieces with pointed curiosity.
“He is here in the park,” said Jane, glancing quickly in his direction.
Mrs. Gardiner followed her niece’s gaze and spotted him immediately. “Oh my, that is the proud Mr. Darcy? I would imagine that the sheer amount of business a man of his station must have to handle would keep him from such idleness. When did you girls see him last?”
“I have not seen him since last November,” said Jane, remembering the Netherfield Ball with a hint of sadness.
Elizabeth hesitated before answering her aunt’s question. “He was in Kent visiting his aunt while I was visiting Charlotte Collins.”
Mrs. Gardiner raised an eyebrow as she recognized her nieces’ hesitation to speak of the gentleman. “You did not mention seeing him.”
Elizabeth suddenly blushed under her aunt’s curious gaze. “I had not thought it worth mentioning.”<
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“Lizzy, my dear, what are you not telling me? You know you can trust me with anything.” Mrs. Gardiner sounded worried; for she noted that Lizzy had clearly not expected to see Mr. Darcy and was clearly anxious about being in his proximity.
Jane put her hand on her sister’s, “Lizzy, you should tell Aunt Gardiner about your time in Kent. Perhaps she can help you work through your feelings.”
Elizabeth nodded in agreement and suddenly found herself revealing everything that had happened in Kent, save for the information about Bingley. She only excluded the harshest of their exchanged words. This time, she did not bother concealing that Mr. Darcy had kissed her. She trusted her aunt and sister to keep the secret, for they both would know that she had no interest in marrying Darcy, despite his improper behavior.
Mrs. Gardiner listened without interruption, and when Elizabeth finished her rendition, she drew her niece into her embrace. “Oh, Lizzy, my dear, I understand how confused you must be feeling. To think that we were so deceived by Mr. Wickham. I cannot imagine being spontaneously proposed to. Fear not, my dear, for I do not think he has noticed you. We shall discuss more of this later this evening. Shall we return to the house?”
Elizabeth shook her head, “No. I do not want to deny the children their afternoon in the park. They would surely be disappointed if I suggested such a thing. It is not for me to be frightened away by Mr. Darcy. I doubt he will deign to come and speak with us.” Elizabeth could only think of the last words she said to him, “Especially after our last encounter.”
Mrs. Gardiner nodded and then began to place the picnic spread.
***
Darcy had not turned the page since settling on the bench. The sight of Elizabeth mesmerized him. He had despaired of ever seeing her again. The question was if it was wise to approach her. He could not forget her last words to him on that dreadful day at the parsonage. But perhaps she no longer felt that way. After all, she had forgiven him for cruelty towards Wickham once she knew the full story. Was it foolish to think that she could forgive him for kissing her out of turn?
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